Envious of other women's relationships

goldberry
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Posts: 32

Envious of other women's relationships Feb 9, 2013 21:54:38 GMT -8

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Post by goldberry on Feb 9, 2013 21:54:38 GMT -8

I'm 47 and I've never been married. I struggle with anxiety about getting older and remaining single. Part of my addiction is idealizing and fantasizing about marriage and weddings.

I live in a small, southern town where everyone seems to be obsessed about weddings. We even have a wedding magazine! Outrageously romantic stories are presented, complete with glossy photos. Everyone in this magazine is thin, beautiful, young and rather wealthy looking.

Today I read about a girl I know (she spread a lot of nasty rumors about me in the past, so it's not like we're friends) who traveled to India and had an amazing wedding. She's a writer, and she sounds like she has a dream life. Another girl went to a golf tournament, and ended up dancing with a wealthy coca-cola executive.

After reading the magazine, I've been filled with envy and self-pity. I had a lot of automatic thoughts running through my mind. I tried slowing them down and examining them.

I was very neglected and emotionally abandoned as a child. I've been reading "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody (I ordered Susan's "Love Addiction" too but it hasn't come in yet) and realize that I have a lot of beliefs that I'm helpless, that I need someone to take care of me, that I need a wedding to "make" me special and real, and that I'm not a real woman if I don't have a wedding. For some reason, I see other women as worthy of love and attention, but I'm not.

And there are definitely some ideas in my head that I could never be married, that I can't be loved by a man.

Recently I had to attend a co-worker's wedding. It was romantic, elaborate, held at a country club during sunset... Meanwhile, people actually made comments to me about my status as a single person- that I must be too "picky," and did I want to remain alone forever? My cousin told me that she wishes I would get married so I could "finally be happy."

It's hard for me to believe that I could really love myself enough and be happy without being married. I know that I need to focus on my own life, and recovery.

Loveanimals
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Envious of other women's relationships Feb 9, 2013 22:06:09 GMT -8

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Post by Loveanimals on Feb 9, 2013 22:06:09 GMT -8

Hi goldberry,

Well weddings are more of an illusion and rarely about reality. People will rarely talk about the bad things involved, or they spend more time on the reception and let the actual relationship fall apart.

Just keep focusing on your recovery and things will all work out. My grandmother was alone from age fifty to ninety seven and she loved it! She said she didn't have to pick up a man's dirty socks so she was happy

, granted she missed my Grandfather terribly, yet some women can be along for decades and be happy.

I'd rather be alone and happy than be in a miserable relationship.

LovelyJune
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Envious of other women's relationships Feb 10, 2013 4:41:25 GMT -8

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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 10, 2013 4:41:25 GMT -8

Here's an absolute fact: There are millions of people in this world better off than you, richer than you, more beautiful, happier, thinner, more content, and on and on and on. It will always be that way. For everyone. Even (and here's the clincher) for those people that are richer than you and better off than you. They too are struggling to stuff their sense of inadequacy, they are struggling to "appear" richer and sexier and more famous. Because life is a competition. Because we all struggle with the same emotional baggage, no matter rich or poor. Sadness, pain, discomfort is like snow and rain. They have no prejudice where they fall. They fall on the rich and the poor alike.

Only one group of people isn't affected by this type suffering (at least not in the long run). And that is people who have gratitude for what they have NOW. Not what they could have, or who they could be. But people who are grateful for whatever it is they have at this very moment. And gratitude is very hard to achieve if you don't like your life and think that things outside yourself will make you happier. But in order to achieve gratitude, maybe you should turn your gaze in the opposite direction…not up, but down.

Here are two posts on gratitude and perspective

Gratitude thelovelyaddict.com/2011/09/12/is-gratitude-possible-when-you-feel-you-have-nothing/

Perspective thelovelyaddict.com/2012/05/20/what-if-you-placed-value-on-something-other-than-love/

I try to be very grateful and not over-glamorize the rich and famous.

I also realize that married or single, I am still stuck with the responsibility of making my life as happy as I can. That no one will do it for me. ANd I think that's where so many singles who want to marry tend to over-glamorize married life. They think life will be "easier" or "better" with a spouse. Life is only easier or better when you are happy within your own skin. Life is only easier and better when you possess a positive attitude on life.

And here's my final thought: Marriage places HUGE demands upon a person. The more mature and healthy you are, the better you can handle those demands.

I suggest you work on your perspective first. Love yourself first. When you do that, all things change.

Last Edit: Feb 10, 2013 5:26:28 GMT -8 by LovelyJune

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Anna
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Envious of other women's relationships Feb 25, 2014 8:20:06 GMT -8

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Post by Anna on Feb 25, 2014 8:20:06 GMT -8

I am going through a divorce right now and I agree, we live in a wedding-obsessed culture. The town I used to live in was even worse - they had a weddings magazine and it seemed like someone at my old workplace was always announcing their super duper faboo wedding, out-doing everyone else and all that. Even older ladies who had been married before!

It's not so much like that where I live now but the whole romance thing kind of makes me want to hurl. Valentine's Day is mercifully over with, so we don't have to see all the flowers and candy everyone got.

You know, though, the more I think about all this love, marriage and romance stuff, the more I realize that a lot of those romantic Valentine gifts are just picked up at the last minute from the big tent outside of Kroger so the wife/girlfriend won't be peeved. I'd much rather receive a well-thought out gift that matches well with my personality on some other day of the year. Also, marriage is kind of a drag and really isn't romantic - sure, weddings are...especially the big, pretty dress, lovely Katniss Everdeen hair and all that, but the marriage itself is babies vomiting on you at 3 a.m., a disastrously dirty house that you haven't had time to clean, bounced checks and etc. It's arguing, seeing your SO sitting on the toilet and throwing up...it's not all magic and roses and happily ever after. I'm not so sure I'm quite ready to jump right back into that. I'd like to have some guy pick me up in his nice car and take me for a ride and to a lovely dinner, but I'm rethinking the whole jumping right back into marriage thing.

Last Edit: Feb 25, 2014 8:21:58 GMT -8 by Anna: A bad word...sorry