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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Mar 2, 2013 17:56:06 GMT -8
Here we go again, I am feeling disappointment with the boyfriend and really cant even tell him why. He just turns it all around and I just dont want to deal with him right now. I am giving myself a nice little break from him and taking advantage of school break. I have about 8 more weeks left of school left and I will graduate with my Masters Degree in community counseling and hopefully on to working. Its really hard to get deep into my feelings about him. He has returned back into therapy with his counselor and psy. It just seems like everytime i want to either do homework or time to my self he acts like a 2 year old and I am abandoning him and i dont care about him. Personally i dont want to continue dealing with this, i have my own stuff to take care of. I set boundaries and he breaks them. I understand at times and then other times I just want to focus on what I need to do and get done. I wasnt dealing with my feelings until right now being on here and posting again. I signed back up on the dating sites, to avoid how i feel about this situation. I know in my heart and soul that they are all unhealthy and it will only repeat itself with another one and into the vicious cycle again. I guess this is good for starters. I seem to go from one addiction to another. I am back into the caffeine, as well.....yuck... I have gotten into my 12 step programs even more at this time, it is really helping. I know i must continue to detach with love from him and I am...just want to be able to deal with my feelings alot better and not have that need for an instant fix as i talk to a man that gives me attention ...with knowing the full truth that its not even real...its fantasy...thanks Sun:)
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Post by Loving My Life on Mar 2, 2013 18:34:50 GMT -8
welcome back sun...glad to hear your are almost ready to graduate...what a accomplishment....cheers to you.
You know what you need to do, you just have to finally get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
And it is okay to be by yourself, if you poa does not understand, well who fault is that?
Hugs Sun
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Mar 3, 2013 7:57:45 GMT -8
Hello loving my life..its great to hear from you....yes its been 14 years since i signed up...a long road and challenging at times....all worth it... When you said sick and tired....its as if i get sick and tired..and i just need to get away from him....and just be alone....then i open up and tell him why i am upset...and only if he doesnt defend himslef....he then goes back to normal and quite.... I dont think he is my poa....I never thought of him in that way...i think its the other way around...when he gets clingy i pull away....when i get clingy he is there for me....but then he wont leave....and then when i am not clingy...i want time to myself...and then he goes haywire.....and then of course it pisses me off.... Yeap its his fault for not understanding....it will take time for him to understand...his psy encouraged him to go to a LA meeting.... thanks for your support...I have to do this One day at a time....and not have all the answers for everyone...just me and my hp.... What have you been up to these days..you sound pretty good and clear and focused....have a great sunday....Sun
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Mar 3, 2013 12:48:16 GMT -8
Hi Sun, Sorry to hear you are feeling so down about your relationship. It sounds like it is sapping your energy right now instead of giving to you. I don't know if this is really possible, but LJ's words are in my head- "a good relationship does not cause you pain on a regular basis". Ok, they are not LJ's words. They are my interpretation. There are posts she has written, can anyone find them?
Basic gist, which you may not want to hear right now, is this- a healthy man does not hurt you.
And I would add also that I, as a healthy woman, would not hurt a man. I add that because at the moment I have been facing up to where I have not been a good friend to someone. I have caused my fair share of hurt. But watch out for the LA tendency to want to take responsibility for what should be someone else's responsibility. ie, you sound like you have a lot on your plate and he is being needy with you.
Boundaries. Boundaries. What happens when you try to put a boundary in place? How do you do it? What do you say and do? Ultimately, as adults, we are the only ones who can allow someone to cross our boundaries. And why do I let someone cross my boundary? Because I want something from them. With my PoA it was I wanted to be loved. Now I'm trying to do that job myself!
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Post by Loving My Life on Mar 3, 2013 13:17:03 GMT -8
Hey Sun,
Thanks for asking, I have finally turned the corner with my poa, and he is no longer contacting me, and I am no longer needing my fix either. And I will be starting a new job in about a week, and I am really looking forward to this as well, I updated my personal journal last night about what has happened since Nov, and you are welcome to read it if you like.
But I agree with Jaca, set some healthy boundaries, and just explain to your poa you are not going to be his mother, I dont like it when people get to needy, because I feel like I am responsible for them and their feelings, and this really causes my codependency to go into overdrive, and I will always end up with a resentment.
So just take care of you first, that is the most important thing, and remember you dont have to explain yourself to anyone, it is your decision, and you are entitled to that.
Hugs
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Mar 3, 2013 14:54:50 GMT -8
Hi Jac...Its been awhile, great to hear from you. I am feeling alot better, He really saps me when I am not in the mood to be sapped. When we are together it seems everything is fine, I dont get alot of my things done, like i do when i am alone. And he really doesnt get the fact that I need to get things done on my own. He wants to be together all the time. When I set boundaries he does keep them for the most part, but sometimes he will keep texting me and i tell him i am doing homework and he will continue to text me. I said something to him and he says oh i forget and i was kidding by what i was texting. And of course I dont like his naive excuses to cross my boundaries. Sometimes I forget too, so much is going on and i am taking the time for me. And if he doesnt like it....than he has to deal with it....not me Loving my life thanks to you too....its great to hear you are doing so much better...yeah for you...and good luck with starting that new job....keep us posted... When he comes off that needy to me...it reminds me of a baby bird with his mouth open,,my children are all grown up now...i will not be his mommy...he doesnt see it....he will learn eventually...if not then we wont be together....thanks again Sun I am totally enjoying myself the past few days alone...his texts to me sound very childish..and most of them i am not answering them. Okay back to me now....
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Mar 8, 2013 7:46:07 GMT -8
Update....I am doing okay....I didnt see my boyfriend in over a week...the texts were less than minimum...and the communication was put in God's hands. I spoke with him a couple of days ago,,,and his voice sounded funny...i didnt here the whining...or the child like in his voice...he sounded like he did when we first met and got together.... I didnt know what to think..and then he proceeded to tell me he been going to meetings everyday, and reaching out to his sponsor, seeing his psy and therapist. His meetings are we all men and he is sharing from his heart with a room full of people and never in his life did he ever think he would do that. And he would like to work on setting boundaries to set with us and how often we see each other. He said it would help him to not act out when we are not together because he will know what days we will be together. Wow I am amazed that he shared all of his thoughts and feelings with me...and for he to set boundaries and work out days of us seeing each other...and working around my meeting days and nights...really ...i was alittle taken back. I am so happy he decided on his own to make these changes...I truly believe he knows what he needs to do and its not getting it from me....i love it...I have never come this far in a relationship and i am still learning everyday. I had to let him go and give him to God....i had to save me first.. I am really so amazed and hopeful and grateful I have a program...since i backed off from him..i have been reaching out and calling program people, my sponsors, emailing people....and working my program...i am sharing whats in my heart and i feel free today....my food is going good and I cant ask for anymore....thanks for everyone on these boards for being here and for all of us working our program together. Sun
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Post by Loving My Life on Mar 8, 2013 13:07:48 GMT -8
Sun and I am learning as well to take care of myself and my responsibilities first, and let everyone take care of their own self. It is hard to do this sometimes, and sometimes it does not feel normal, but this is how it works.
Good Job Sun..keep us posted..
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 8, 2013 16:24:25 GMT -8
Hi Sun! Welcome back!!! Glad to know that you are always working towards helping yourself and learning more.
So…quick question that needs an answer. Not for me, but for you. Do you want to date an adult or a child? Because it sounds like you are dating someone who has not emotionally developed. And here's why: it may be a reflection of YOu and your own emotional development. Water always seeks its own level. Like always attracts like (opposites may attract, but emotionally ANd on a level of healthy, people are attracted to their same "level" of healthy.
And Jgirl is right….a healthy relationship is not supposed to be painful every day. Heck, a healthy relationship is supposed to feel good every day, and you can expect to hit a few road bumps here and there.
Last but not least, I would like to clarify about boundaries: they are only as strong as you make 'em. Should I remind you of the fable of the Three Little Pigs? If the PoA knocks them down, it's because they were built so flimsy that he CAN knock them down. You want to build a real boundary? Make it so strong that no one can knock through it. DOn't blame him. Blame the person who built the boundary: you.
And Loving My Life is right….CHANGE does not at first feel normal. It feels awkward. But you are capable of learning healthy behavior and can change and adapt.
Good luck and welcome back!
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Mar 9, 2013 16:06:41 GMT -8
thanks LML.....its all so true...for me I grew up taking care of everyone else....and I am learning threw the fellowships ....how to take care of me first? It's so easy at times to forget,,,thats when its time to detach with love and back away, because it doesnt feel right anymore to get into someone elses stuff.I use to think i was so good at it, tell me your problems and I will give you the solution and as long as you did it my way everything was fine and pay me no mind. Truth is me and no one was paying me no mind. I had again to learn the hard way of what self-love meant. And i can say I am doing it today. I want to recovery and I am willing to do what it takes. Thanks LJ....I always love hearing from you. I really needed to think on this one. I really thought it was all him, and I didnt like what I read from your post. I had to stay with the feelings and pray on it, because I know you know better at this point in my recovery. And I am grateful you are truly honest and right on. After praying on this, boy was I in denial. I truly believed it was all him, well he cant follow our boundaries that we set forth, i dont want to continue with him and i backed off and shut down, not totally this time but just enough to where I didnt see him or we didnt talk on the phone...he did call but i wouldnt answer the phone...and we texted just briefly. Because i grew alittle stronger in my recovery and I did not totally shut him out. Which for me was big, I use to feel good inside by shutting him out, i learned that behavior from my father. I have changed, because i dont want to do that dysfunctional behavior any longer and I dont want to shut him out. The other day he was for the first time writing out on paper some boundaries for us to work on and we agreed and still working out the loose ends. And after reading your post and praying about it....I was doing the same thing and more than he was. I was crossing the boundaries all the time, and most times he let it go, but when he did it, boy did i remind him and at times i backed away. After reading your post, I observed myself doing it all the time, and i spoke with him about it. Of course I apologized to him. We talked it out, and you are 100% correct when you said, Last but not least, I would like to clarify about boundaries: they are only as strong as you make 'em. Should I remind you of the fable of the Three Little Pigs? If the PoA knocks them down, it's because they were built so flimsy that he CAN knock them down. You want to build a real boundary? Make it so strong that no one can knock through it. DOn't blame him. Blame the person who built the boundary: you. Yes it was me who was totally knocking it down, i also think i was doing this due to my intimacy issues. And we are building them stronger so they will not be broken down again. I think we are learning separately and together about growing up with our emotional development. Where Can I learn more about emotional development? I agree with Jgirl ...and I thank God we are great together for the most part, if it was everyday with each other, we would not be together anymore. It seems like we were doing the cha cha...we would be together and we were great together and then when i needed a break he would sense my business and think i was leaving him...which was his inner work to do....and i would back off when he would come at me...It's been a cycle for a little bit.....Now that we have set some boundaries on being with one another,,,,God willing this works, if not we are going to counseling together.. Change scares the heck out of me...but once i walk thru it I am find...and yes I am willing to learn healthy behavior and adapt to it. thanks so much everyone for all of your strength , hope and experience. Sometimes I dont like hearing the feedback, but i do pray on it, and ask God for help and then I get the answers that i so needed...thanks Sun
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 10, 2013 3:42:54 GMT -8
Here are some book recommendations that will enlighten and help you. Two in particular are called Emotional Intelligence, and Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life. thelovelyaddict.com/books/
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