mrockmiss
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Post by mrockmiss on Mar 3, 2013 14:24:55 GMT -8
Hi there,
I grew up with a very damaged mother. She would confide in me about her father raping her and my dad beating her. My dad was very violent. I had a black eye in grade 4 and a fractured arm at 15. My mom always told me it was my fault, that I was a bad kid. I lived up to that and I rebelled as a teenager. I always worried so much about my parents because they were both so unhealthy and damaged. My mom was always mean, she withheld her love often. She used to always give me the silent treatment or just make dissaproving stares at me. She also depended on me. She had no friends or family and I was her therapist. She made me feel so shameful when I became sexually active as a teenager. She forbid me from using their towels. It was a terrible way to live. I escaped and moved far far away. 10 hour drive to be exact, lol. I know that this has everything to do with my behaviour now. I just want to understand how so I can fix it. I love my parents but, I have never dealt with the pain. It was always easier to take the blame, be the bad kid who deserved it.
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Post by Loving My Life on Mar 3, 2013 15:11:40 GMT -8
mrockmiss, you dont come out of this without not being affected by it, and it is like peeling back the layers of a onion, but you do need to find a therapist or a counselor, to help you start the process, because this can be painful to deal with on our own.
It is nothing to be scared of, when we are children, it is our parents job to raise us, but if they are not healthy themselves, it will effect us, it is like we become the parent, and we are never allowed to be a child, and we dont learn healthy coping skills, but do not think your bad because of this, you are not, you have done the best you could, with what you knew. We have to know better in order to do better.
Alot of your work will start with your inner child, and in this process you will learn to allow your little inner child to heal, and you will reparent you inner child, and this will begin the healing process...but you can not do this alone.
I think a codependent meeting would be a wonderful place to start, or look in your area for different support groups, or churches in your area, if you cant find a 12 step meeting, there are other outlets also.
Just dont try and figure this all out today, just take one day at a time, and just know your parents did the best they could, and it was not your fault for the way they treated you, you were just a kid.
We are here for you.
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mrockmiss
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Post by mrockmiss on Mar 3, 2013 15:22:59 GMT -8
Thanks so much for your reply. I know this can't be fixed overnight, last year I saw a therapist a few times but, I just can't afford it. I am trying to find some resources. I think I would like to go to a CODA or LAA meeting but, with 3 small kids it is a challenge. This is my first day of no contact and that is so hard in itself. Right now I just want to text him to ask if its over. He never even told me just stopped communicating. I know it doesn't matter. I am trying to stay strong, later tonight will be the hardest I am sure. Do you suggest any books on childhood abuse or emotional incest??
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Post by Loving My Life on Mar 3, 2013 15:48:55 GMT -8
No I would not contact your poa to ask if it is over, I would not give him the chance to reject you once more.
Also there is a list of books under the HOME tab, listed Resources, you can also do a google search and find alot of different books to see which one deals with what your going through, and others on this forum who are dealing with the similar issue as you will also give you books they have read.
There is one called "Toxic Parents", by Susan Forward, it deals with alot of inner child work, and emotional abuse, and childhood trauma.
I hope this will give you a start to being able to answer some of your questions.
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Post by havefaith on Mar 3, 2013 16:44:56 GMT -8
mrockmiss, I am so sorry for what you endured as a child/teen. None of this was your doing, and, as I read somewhere, parenting such as this took you from the "nurture and grow path" (which is what, theoretically, every child deserves) to the "survival path".
Yes, you need and deserve love and healing and reparenting -- and LML is right, it's hard to take this journey all by yourself. Check into any resources possible, sliding fee therapy, CoDA group, etc. You are worth it.
HaveFaith
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mrockmiss
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Post by mrockmiss on Mar 3, 2013 18:05:48 GMT -8
Thank you so much. You are right, it did become survival. I traveled in and out of group homes, rehab at 15, ran away so many times. I have managed accomplish a lot somehow. I have 2 degrees, and I am a teacher. I have 3 beautiful kids but, I am incapable of a healthy adult relationship. My only long term friend has agrophobia and a prescription drug habit. I just never learned and now my life has become so unmanageable. I want to do this for my kids and also partly because I want someone to stay and as sick as I am right now I know it will never happen.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 4, 2013 17:45:01 GMT -8
Good description of emotional incest.
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