Serial Dater.. | A Brighter Tomorrow

simplyme
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Serial Dater.. Mar 6, 2013 15:33:48 GMT -8

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Post by simplyme on Mar 6, 2013 15:33:48 GMT -8

Last time I was on here I was dealing with a break up. I can't remember my username or password so I made a new account. So I thought I finally got over my addiction after my long term relationship ended. It was one of those "Get Away. Please Come Back." relationship due to me of course. He wanted to stay, but I was just never content.

A year fast forward. I thought I was doing well because I was surviving without him. But looking back I haven't gotten any better but possibly just worst. For the whole year I've been serial dating at quite an alarming rate as well as being promiscuous (which is really odd because I don't even really care for sex). They are probably people I would have most likely never dated had I been sober enough to realize it. I would meet them all online (while being sober of course) and then as soon as I meet them over diner I would get so drunk and have word vomit talking non stop about my ex-boyfriend. Then of course the date would end up with sex (no protection. I know..it's really bad).
Some call me back. Some don't. Even if they do I don't want to have anything to do with them. If they don't call me back..I start doubting myself and thinking there must be something wrong with me.
I felt high off of every date I went on. It's really out of character for me because I've always been in long term relationships.

Lately I've been going on dates gushing to all of the guys how much I want love but how it usually consumes me when I have it. I'm sure I come off sounding somewhat crazy, but they possibly stick around to try to get me into bed. Or at least I think so. I'm not even sure anymore. Most guys who meet me are actually really into me because of my outside appearance and how I seem to be the whole package, but I guess after a drunken date or two they see how crazy I really am which pushes them away I assume.

I started seeing another guy long distance (which I thought would be good because I've been trying to get my life together) but now that lonely part of me keeps on seeking other guys to briefly have companionship with.

Can some one please tell me am I getting worst? Is this normal? Is this a phase?

I know I should be working on myself and I've been trying at real hard...and there's a lot I should do for myself. But the truth is...when I look forward I don't see myself as anything. All I can see myself is having a family with someone who loves me.

Loving My Life
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I am a beautiful child of God . . ."My Inner Child."

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Serial Dater.. Mar 6, 2013 16:16:45 GMT -8

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Post by Loving My Life on Mar 6, 2013 16:16:45 GMT -8

Where are you as far as working on yourself today?

If you look at yourself as nothing, then this is what you are going to attract, nothing.

We have to get ourselves happy from within before anyone else can make us happy. No one can truly make us happy except ourselves, and then when we meet that special person it is an addition to our lives, not our whole lives.

Are you reading any books about love addiction? Codependency? Are you going to 12 step meetings?

And also when drinking or mind altering chemicals are involved, we dont make the best decisions for ourselves. If the relationship was healthy you would not need to drink in order to be with the person. Just a thought.

Last Edit: Mar 6, 2013 16:18:22 GMT -8 by Loving My Life

One day at a time :-) :-). . .We can do together, what we could never do alone. :-) And a problem shared, is a problem cut in half. :-) :-)

simplyme
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Serial Dater.. Mar 6, 2013 18:02:55 GMT -8

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Post by simplyme on Mar 6, 2013 18:02:55 GMT -8

Thanks for the response Loving My Life:

How does one change their mindset when it's always consumed on love (seeking, being, etc.)?

Well oddly enough the guys that I've been going on dates with are actually really good catches. Even if they try to stick around I've been purposely ruining it (not sure why).

I've read a few of the books in the past. I just started re reading the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Again. I did go to the 12 step meetings in the past but to be honest I found it really really depressing. Even when I spoke when it was my turn I would cry. When I started reading other spiritual books it would say to focus on the good in life and be around positive energy and people that I found going to the 12 step program the complete oposite.

Are there any must reads you would recommend?

Loving My Life
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I am a beautiful child of God . . ."My Inner Child."

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Serial Dater.. Mar 7, 2013 3:08:18 GMT -8

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Post by Loving My Life on Mar 7, 2013 3:08:18 GMT -8

Simplyme,

The way we change our mindset, is by working on ourselves for a while. We have to learn to love ourselves, rebuild our self esteem, and our self worth, we are avoiding something in our lives with these distractions, ie: men or whatever we use.

I know for me in my current relationship of 25 years, and a sexless relationship, I was looking for companionship with my poa, and I enjoyed his attention, and I thought he could give me what I was needing, and what I am aware of now is I am the only one who can make the changes to make my life better, without searching outside my current relationship.

Yes this is hard, but when I am taking care of my needs, and I am not allowing my poa to use me and hurt me, my self esteem is alot better, and I can focused and my whole attitude changes for the better. I am still lonely, but I am not alone and there is a big difference. I am not angry because I allowed my poa to betray me. I would rather be lonely than angry.

A few books that I would recommend that helped me sort some things out were:

-Addiction to Love, this is Susan's book

-The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick Carnes

-The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, by Nathaniel Branden

Also there is a list of books under the home tab, and scroll down and see if you can find some other recommendation as well.

And I have been around the rooms of AA for almost 4 years now, and at times and can be depressing, so I will just go to different meetings and allow myself to get a change of scenery, because we also have to have fun when we are in recovery. I would not stop going to your local meetings, just find other ones to attend, and you can also try Al-Anon, Codependent, there are all kinds of 12 step based meetings now, and support groups, you just have to find one that you enjoy going too.

I wish you much success on your recovery journey, and you will find alot of knowledge and support on this forum.

Keep coming back, and just take One Day At a Time, we can do anything for 24 hours, but we get overwhelmed if we think we have to do something for a lifetime.

Last Edit: Mar 7, 2013 3:15:25 GMT -8 by Loving My Life

One day at a time :-) :-). . .We can do together, what we could never do alone. :-) And a problem shared, is a problem cut in half. :-) :-)

Jacarandagirl
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Serial Dater.. Mar 7, 2013 6:48:57 GMT -8

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Post by Jacarandagirl on Mar 7, 2013 6:48:57 GMT -8

Hi there simplyme
I just wanted to jump in here with a comment. It sounds like you have been really questioning your behaviour and wondering what is normal and what is a stage, etc etc. In my experience, we do get worse until we really hit the bottom and have to give up our behaviour. In my case I realised I was never going to be able to finish a wonderful project I had started for some very special people, if I stayed with my PoA. I simply could not focus on it enough to get it done. The cycling from high to low that happened every month or so as I got excited that he was going to give up drugs, then changing to despair as he went back to them, round and round, was sucking all my creative energy down the plughole. I couldn't face who I was becoming. A depressed wreck.

Your behaviour on dates sounds very risky. I'd say from the info you have posted that you are acting out. You sound like you are pretty much out of control once you have a drink and are with these men. I know for me that when I have alcohol my addiction to men and risky behaviour can become way harder for me to control.

Its really good that you are looking for answers. I relate to a lot of what you have shared. I used to only see my future in terms of being with a man who loved me. Now it's a bit different. I'm more excited about my life, I'm starting to feel like I have a wonderful life most of the time, without a man at all. I've even noticed that I'm not checking men out as much as I used to, compulsively. I am in touch with the feeling that I want to be friends with a man before anything else, and am glad to be on my own. I've got enough to deal with without all the drama of dating!

Last Edit: Mar 7, 2013 6:51:48 GMT -8 by Jacarandagirl

"You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn't work and that you'll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can't even do for yourself. You deserve better - you deserve change".
Excerpt from www.baggagereclaim.com

Loveanimals
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Serial Dater.. Mar 7, 2013 21:26:06 GMT -8

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Post by Loveanimals on Mar 7, 2013 21:26:06 GMT -8

I can relate to this, I did the serial dating when I moved out.

Just like No Contact with your POA, if you're not able to handle online dating, take your profile off of all sites. It's tough at first (believe me I've been there) yet now I don't miss online dating at all. In fact most of those guys had sex/love addiction issues themselves and were very unhealthy.

Surround yourself with healthier people and don't hurt yourself through serial dating.