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Post by loveanimals on Mar 9, 2013 18:10:53 GMT -8
The guy who says "no I'm not interested due to the age difference" turns me obsessive whereas the one who is interested, I'm not addicted at all!
I feel like a horrible person who has brushed away those guys who pursue, treat me nice, do sweet things for me yet I am addicted to the one who keeps saying no yet still texts and flirts........who leaves me hanging. I feel as if I have to convince him and if I win him over (like winning a sport competition.....I'm an athlete) then I feel a HUGE high.
I pursued one guy for 9 months and he finally said yes, it was the greatest high.
Perhaps in recovery once I learn to love myself, then I will stop this high school behavior. Can anyone relate and understand how to work on this in recovery, so it doesn't happen again?
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Post by Loving My Life on Mar 10, 2013 6:08:29 GMT -8
I think you have a underlying fear of being alone, and it scares you to think you might be alone. But when your new in recovery I believe it is best to not be in a relationship, because our emotions are so raw, we are trying to process our addictions, and when we add a sexual relationship into the equation it only causes us more pain.
So in my opinion the way to do this, is work on yourself now, and don't think in terms of forever, only think in terms of One Day At A Time. We also can become obsessed with being alone forever, and I just don't believe this. This is your time to heal yourself and get to know yourself, and stay close to others in recovery, and you will get there.
Pray about this also, our hp will work this out for us. He will remove people from our lives for a reason, but he will also put other people in our paths.
List what your fears are, write them on a piece of paper, and also list why you have these fears, and what is the solution to remove the fears. This might give you some insight too what is driving this need for a man right now.
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Post by loveanimals on Mar 10, 2013 9:47:06 GMT -8
Hi Loving My Life,
Well it's strange as an only child I like having time alone and to myself.
I don't fear being alone as much as I think Susan's book really hit the peer group factor. As I've battled my weight over the years, I know the good looking guys in high school and college ignored me when I was heavier. Then when I lost weight, all of a sudden they showed more interest.
To get guys who were initially not interested, get in great shape and then "win" them over is almost like a big game. When you diet, you have no energy to get to the gym and work out daily. Those men were my motivation, and seeing them at the gym or on the tennis court pushed me to get out there. I didn't have it within myself. Then you add to it all of the attention from females "wow you look amazing, how did you do it".
Yet by doing that I have ended up in the ambulance twice as overexercising and under eating hurts your health.
The guys who say they liked me when I was chubby, I have zero interest in them. I want the ones who ignored me and then I "win" them over, it's like high school again. Even people online when I post in other forums, they don't think I'm 41, they think I'm 21.
How does one get past this peer rejection? I think therapists focus too much on our childhood and Susan hit the nail on the head......yes I had some rejection in childhood, yet the peer rejection and bullying is what made me suicidal at age 13. Other girls would get mad that their boyfriends would talk to me and terrorize me......by writing horrible things on my locker, and now I'm getting that again at age 41, death threats to stay away from a guy. Sheesh......I guess you have to process this and learn to "grow up" and get past the high school games.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 10, 2013 11:36:44 GMT -8
Dear LoveAnimals: Your story is my story. I don't know why other authors missed this point when it comes to love addicts. Peer rejections is as hard as not getting love at home. Love at home does not make up for peer rejection. I blamed my my mother because when I cried my heart out and asked her help me diet she said, "You will lose love when you are ready." She olmay have been right but I was powerless and I needed her to guide me. My longest struggle has been my weight. Finally, at the age of 56 I got it under control with the help of Overeaters Anonymous and the grace of God. I lost 150 lbs and after a year of painful withdrawal (tears, hysteria) my compulsion to overeat was lifted. Bullimia and anorexia is also behind me. Am I highjacking this thread? Oops. Thanks for sharing. |
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Post by loveanimals on Mar 10, 2013 14:17:58 GMT -8
Hi Susan,
No you are not hijacking this thread at all! I appreciate your insight. Yes when I read your story I was shocked because I thought I was reading my story! I need inspiration from people like you that I can recover, since I've been a LA for over 15 years now.
I am in OA and AA. I use food/weight loss to manipulate men into my life, and throw a temper tantrum when I don't get what I want. I feel like the peer rejection, when the whole "cougar" phase came out, I could finally get the college quarterback who always rejected me when I was younger. Yet he just wanted a hookup with an older woman, so that made me feel worse.
Through the 12 steps I guess we heal the peer rejection and stop chasing after our fantasy of the college quarterback and look for a heathy man. My latest POA was a college basketball player who was always there for me on text if i was upset or stressed.....so now I am learning to self-soothe vs. rely on him to make me feel better.
I would love to get up to the Alameda meeting if you run it and if I can get a babysitter.
From Susan . . I encourage you to go to the Alameda meeding. It is run by a wonderful woman named Vicki and my dear friend Nick. I don't attend. It changes the dynamics of the meetings.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Mar 11, 2013 12:34:55 GMT -8
I've read that there is nothing a Love Addict finds more irresistible than someone walking away from them. It has everything to do with childhood! In my opinion, anyway. It's the little girl looking to become so powerful that she can get the love she wants from the unavailable parent. If she can change that man and make him love her, she wins the battle of her whole life and proves that she is loveable. No wonder you find it so tantalising. I do too. But right now I am enjoying something else- the ability to see men more clearly and be friends without obsessing or wanting more. So far it's great how it's happening and I am loving the relief from the wanting! And enjoying how when I see that they are just humans and full of their own issues, I have a feeling of love in my heart for myself and a desire to look after me above getting love from the outside. Where did that come from? A higher power, that's for sure.
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Post by loveanimals on Mar 11, 2013 22:16:50 GMT -8
Hi Jacarandagirl,
Thank you for replying.....yes I think it's that plus the whole wanting the type of guys who ignored me in high school and college.
I am glad you are able to make friends with them without obsessing or wanting more.
I know if I were to go into marriage counseling there would be no male friends, and I remember having those rules imposed on me and the rebellious child in me wanted to break them, especially when things were rough and husband and I were fighting all of the time.
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 12, 2013 5:03:47 GMT -8
I think Jgirl is right. We want the unavailable parent. But maybe not so much as a conquest as a familiarity. We seek out and feel most comfortable with what we know. ANd if you were neglected as a child, it's no surprise that you would feel a kinship or a connection with someone who treated you much like your parent(s) did. But here's the deal…You didn't like it when your parents ignored you and you certainly don't like it now. And you didn't have a CHOICE when your parents ignored you, but YOU HAVE A CHOICE NOW. And that means giving people who don't ignore you a chance. It may not feel natural at first. It may feel a little uncomfortable. Heck, you may feel "exposed" or just plain weird. But that's how we change. By doing something different. And unless you don't feel safe or you feel zero connection whatsoever (and I mean friendship), then give it a chance. Test the waters. Learn what "attention" feels like. It's a good feeling.  |
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Post by loveanimals on Mar 12, 2013 9:51:20 GMT -8
Well it seems that the highest value males -- the alpha males are the ones who have a number of women after them so the female has to chase. They are the ones who are nice, flattering, smart, attractive and in great shape. My POA told me that as the guy he never initiates a text conversation he lets the girls start, so I always felt like I was chasing.
The ones who pursued me either wanted a booty call or were whiny and overweight so I wasn't attracted to a guy 20 years younger if he's acting beta and whining how much he wants me. With that age difference it's physical and if I'm not physically attracted to the guy then it's pointless. Yet because I'm still married no one over 30 wants me Except for booty call and I'd rather do that with younger so I have to figure out the marriage thing first vs fantasizing about a relationship with a college football quarterback who has a ton of females his age after him too.
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Post by requin on Mar 12, 2013 10:43:41 GMT -8
Life and love are not about looks.
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Post by swilly on Mar 12, 2013 11:59:43 GMT -8
WOW!!! what a subject, loveanimals. I too am only interested in the guy who walks away, always have been, and then when I finally get them. Idon't really like them anymore!! what's up with that nonsense??? I told my therapist that if i could just get my PoA to persue me and chase me then I would'nt be as interested anymore. I kind of had an Ah-Ha moment reading some of the posts. My BPD mom would constanly give me the silent treatment over the smallest things. half the time I didn't even know what I had done. I had to guess! I wonder if this is why I get so freaked out when my PoA doesn't contact me for weeks at a time. then is all nicey-nice when he does. (just what mom did.) I had so much anxiety during those silent treatments I could hardley stand it. She wouldn't do anything for me either. She was such a @#%$#. Nevermind.  |
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 12, 2013 12:00:46 GMT -8
Sheesh. I keep forgetting you're married. OF COURSE NO GOOD MEN WANT tO DATE YOU IF YOU'RE MARRIED. PLease focus on your marriage instead of bringing in the ideas of looking for someone healthy and dating. You're putting the cart before the horse.
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Post by loveanimals on Mar 12, 2013 12:25:18 GMT -8
requin - when you're just looking for fwbs it is mostly about looks because I can't get a good man when I'm legally married
swilly - yes we can look to our childhood and parents yet also to our peers in high school. If the good looking quarterback ignored us then, yet then later in life we went to the gym a lot/got fit and then all of a sudden got attention from the super good looking men, then that would drive us. Yet with them we have to compete with the other women throwing themselves at them......the guys who pursue me and have no one else, well there is a reason they are like that.
LovelyJune - yes and every time I feel like I'm ready to move out and move on something happens like this latest car accident or my health fails or job loss where I'm stuck, and then the only way to get my emotional and sexual needs met is through someone outside the marriage since I live in a celibate marriage and he and I don't seem to be interested in changing that. So now my main focus is healing and getting back to work, and getting another job since my job ends next month.
Where I live the cheapest one bedroom apartment is $1500 a month or more, more than my mortgage......so moving out isn't that easy, especially when I do contract work that ends every three months.
But even then I have an attractive fwb competitive bodybuilder yet I'm not obsessed with him at all, I'm obsessed with the less attractive guy who has a more charming personality, who flirts but won't go through with a romantic relationship with me. That part I don't get.
Anyways I'm just focused on meetings, healing and recovery. If I'm not obsessed with someone THAT IS GOOD and the one I'm obsessed with I deleted his number from my phone and over time I know it will get better. I just need to get myself back to work, back to meetings, healthy again so I can face these big decisions and not be distracted by dr. appts and job interviews.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Mar 12, 2013 12:36:28 GMT -8
You know loveanimals, I am compelled to say here that you can come across a bit whiny yourself with your issues that you have about being in recovery and trying to find a man at the same time. It's almost like you feel like you are owed having a man that you are attracted to, be into you. Even though you are married. Even though you're going after men so much younger than you. Do you know what I'm saying?
If you refuse to grow up and deal with your marriage, you're not going to learn how to start looking after yourself. Your approach to your life has a very precarious premise to it- getting a high from hooking up with younger men to cope with the disappointment/dysfunction of your marriage, when you consider that you are in your 40's. I'm 46, going through menopause, and boy I've aged a whole lot in the last few years. People still say i look young, but you should see what my neck does when I lean over a certain way. Real old lady stuff. I have to deal with what comes up as I consider the loss of beauty. As most women except the most beautiful do, and even they eventually have to. It's pretty tough. My point being, unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) it's only going to get worse on the looks department. Byron Katie puts it this way- "If you could chose, would you choose a beautiful body or a beautiful mind?" If you choose the body, you're betting on the loser. That is, the body will always get old and die. Not so the mind. And what determines our happiness?
ps. When you really are "just focused" on recovery, meetings and healing, your posts will sound very different. Don't let yourself get away with that kind of line! Recovery is all about getting honest with ourselves. I hope you can hear this, if it's too much then my apologies.
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Post by loveanimals on Mar 12, 2013 15:29:33 GMT -8
Hi Jacarandagirl,
I agree my posts feel like a sense of entitlement, that just because I was able to date younger guys before, then I expect ALL younger men to be totally into me and if they aren't, then because of my conversations with other men who say "well they must be gay or they must be scared".....
I think that just because I have a trainer and a muscular body that I should attract every guy because I put a lot of hard work into it, I didn't think that way before yet given how much time and effort it took for me to get in better shape than I was in high school, I guess I have ridiculous expectations. Yes I have been able to get more bodybuilders since I got into bodybuilding yet I don't even like talking to the ones I get because they have such huge egos.
and it's like you said a high to help me deal with the dysfunctional marriage. Losing more body fat and having a trainer just made it worse, you're right with aging we either fight it with Botox and weights as my friends have, or accept it. And honestly most of the guys I go for I find their immaturity to be annoying.
Believe me I go to meetings and look for the attractive men I can pick up! To be honest, my therapist is making me go to in person meetings, it's not something I want to do yet she said with the death threats, I have now put my family at risk. I thought just posting on here and working the steps would be enough, yet I continued to have text conversations with many men and would obsess with how I would get this one guy who was scared to.
I think my husband sticks around and hopes that I grow out of this love addiction and then we can have a healthy marriage, otherwise he would have left long ago. Part of me knows that he's the best guy I could get over the age over the age of 30, I just have to be willing to give up the high of young men and right now I'm not willing to do that until we go to marriage counseling and he agrees to give up his addictions and I will give up mine because
sex and touching are basic human needs and if we don't get them from our spouses, then we have to look outside? I'm dying just for human touch living a celibate marriage for seven years yet I'm scared to leave my home and marriage behind to only regret it later.
How can I get those basic human needs met? People say be celibate and I did for nine months??? It was torture yet it helped that I was gaining weight and didn't want anyone to see me. Do I have to go through nine months of celibacy again? Or just avoid POAs whom I'm addicted to?
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Post by loveanimals on Mar 12, 2013 15:38:35 GMT -8
Jacarandagirl I'm also more whiny I'm in a lot of pain from my car accident and I feel like once again something has happened to make me not face these issues that I FINALLY
approached husband three weeks ago and said "either we get marriage counseling or I move out" and he said he was too busy with dealing with tomorrow to think about long term. So here I was finally dealing with this issue in therapy, and then BOOM death threats from POA's ex-gf and injury car accident......
somehow I don't think that was a coincidence, I think I willed that to happen to through chaos in my life so I don't have to stress about paying $1500 a month rent and moving all of my stuff out, dealing with lawyers, fighting for custody since husband wanted full custody when I moved out before, etc.....all of that stuff is unpleasant and the high of sexy young POAs isn't.......until you get drama. I just don't know how to deal with the unpleasantness without having severe depression that affects my ability to work and be independent?
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 13, 2013 3:38:39 GMT -8
I just have to be willing to give up the high of young men and right now I'm not willing to do that If this is the case, you are not in recovery, and thus, not allowed to post in any other section of these boards except the "venting" section, because honestly, that's all you're doing. You are not making any strides towards NC or recovery. The other thing is, you are acting out on these boards and embroiling the members--who ARE in recovery--in your drama. This is not acceptable, nor healthy for others trying to recover. Please have respect for them, and refrain from discussing your PoA, your PoA's girlfriend, bodybuilders or anyone else for that matter outside yourself. These boards are not intended for any other purpose but recovery. Thanks! |
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Post by loveanimals on Mar 13, 2013 8:09:01 GMT -8
I disagree LovelyJune I'm on Step 9, I'm attending two in person meetings a week, I signed up for a DBT course every Wed night, I see a therapist weekly. I volunteer for an animal rescue every weekend, thus I spend about 10 hours a week on recovery activities, not counting this board or my eating disorder board.
I hit one week NC last week.....so I am working towards recovery. Yes I slip up like some but I have changed so much since last October before I got a sponsor. I have a long way to go......yet a lot has happened and I'm in a lot of pain right now from my car accident.
Yet OK I won't discuss POA or anyone else for that matter, this is all about me and living in a dysfunctional marriage and trying to figure out what to do. Believe me, therapist have been working with me on the marriage for years trying to come up with a solution that is best for everyone. My old therapist said to stay until my career is in a better stage, and new therapist is pushing me to move on or get marriage counseling sooner.
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Post by havefaith on Mar 13, 2013 9:35:45 GMT -8
Thank you, LJ, for doing your part to keep the boards recovery based -- this is an opportune time for me to be upfront about my take in some of the drama and angst (as opposed to true recovery) that I observe here:
I've made the recent decision to use this forum sparingly. It is not recovery-focused enough for what I need, and becomes a voyeuristic free-for-all at times. Because part of my profile as a love addict is the craving for drama, the last thing I need is more of it, whether it be mine or someone else's.
Yes, I know that I can 'take what I need and leave the rest' but I'm triggered and pained more by what I read here than I am edified and educated. There is simply not enough of what I 'need' to stay actively involved with LAA; I sincerely hope that changes and LJ's previous post gives me hope.
Having said that, I recognize that we all have a need to vent; however, in such an anonymous forum, it is easy to 'tell all' and give all sorts of intimate details of one's acting-out behaviors. I can only speak for myself, but it does me no good to hear it or share it. It keeps me in a state of stasis, and that is not where I need to be. I am a recovering love addict who is interested in moving forward. I can't sit in a pool of stagnant water and expect to be cleansed.
I wish everyone here the opportunity for recovery and healing. And we all have to make healthy choices on how to make that happen. My 'healthy choice' is to focus on recovery, and not on the drama and dysfunction of addiction...
HaveFaith
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 13, 2013 17:05:14 GMT -8
I got a little tough love in early recovery. I told my sponsor after 3 months I wanted love and that I had waited 32 years. He said the clock starts at my recovery date and in the meantime "pay your dues." I really needed to hear this. It led to a short fourth step about my addiction to self-pity. Among other things I think it was a substitute for self-love. I could not love myself, but I could feel sorry for myself. The only problem is that at some point I started making decisions that hurt me just to get a "fix." I switched from self-pity to "appropriate self-concern" which is somewhere between self-pity and stuffing my pain. Good luck. As they say in AA, "Poor me; poor me. Pour me another drink. We love you. Don't forget that. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 13, 2013 17:09:22 GMT -8
Life and love are not about looks. I love the Holy Spirit and she doesn't even have a face. She is light. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 14, 2013 3:23:32 GMT -8
I disagree LovelyJune I'm on Step 9, I'm attending two in person meetings a week, I signed up for a DBT course every Wed night, I see a therapist weekly. I volunteer for an animal rescue every weekend, thus I spend about 10 hours a week on recovery activities, not counting this board or my eating disorder board. I hit one week NC last week.....so I am working towards recovery. Yes I slip up like some but I have changed so much since last October before I got a sponsor. loveanimals, I think you are missing the point. You can have ten therapists, but if you are still obsessing over looks and men and finding someone WHILE you are still married, if you are still talking only about the PoA, the problem and not the solution, then what kind of support are we offering here, if we allow you to continue down that path? You could have 10 cars in your garage and not know how to drive. It's that simple. Not only that, but you are part of community. A community who values the idea of getting healthier. And when you are part of a community that has a shared value like that, there needs to be respect for that value (which means limiting talk about PoA). It is VERY hard to change habitual behavior. But it needs to be done in order to get healthier. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 14, 2013 3:34:55 GMT -8
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Post by loveanimals on Mar 14, 2013 9:31:12 GMT -8
Thanks, yes I'm also forbidden to talk about POA or any men on my eating disorder board too because it would just rile up the other members and get them involved in the drama too.
You're right, all of my thoughts and communication have been how to get POA back, even by performing no contact there still is talking and obsessing with others.....asking what strategy should I use, etc. and those people are obsessed with their POAs too so misery loves company.
I honestly don't know of a female friend or family member who is happy, either they are single and love addicts or married and miserable and thinking about cheating or complaining all of the time. When I get together with females all we talk about is men. I doubt men spend as much time and misery talking about females! Perhaps in meetings I will meet more females who are in healthy relationships or no relationships.
Work helps get my mind off of it, I should look at other stories and people and get engaged in other areas to get my mind off of it.
I'm at 48 hours now but yes I feel so raw and rejected and that whole "nobody loves me" feeling. And recovering from the auto accident has me freaked out about not overexercising and keeping up the body so there is quite a bit of panic about food and exercise......yet I have to focus on what is important and that is my health now. I can't handle any drama right now and my Higher Power now is just giving me enough which is just work and recovery, physical and mental.
DBT course should help me with the Borderline/obsessive tendencies.
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