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Post by fluttershy on Mar 22, 2013 6:42:13 GMT -8
I know I am definitly a torchbearer. I can carry a torch for someone indeed. Well, since my PoA has not been around, the only media i "see" him is Facebook, so the no contact has been easy. (but the withdrawl in not checking this is hard! and wish I had guidance with that, so i could stop feeding the fantasy and let go) But I have develop a few crushes since, only to be ridiculously devasted by them.
The first crush ended a while ago. However, things I would get mad about him, were open wounds and reminders of my PoA. We slowly transitioned into friends, and it helps that he has moved away. But when this guy moved away my other guy friend became my comfort. And i can't help but wonder did i just transfer my unresolved feelings onto him. We have been friends for 4 years now, and not once did i find him sexually attractive, until i dreamt about it one random night. The thing the i love about him the most is his personality and how he's been an emotional comfort. i know that chemistry-wise, it isnt there... unless i daydream about it... which, given how i can fantasize about it, i dont let myself go there... Now me and this crush when we fight or bicker (usually about not spending time together via studying or after work stuff), i know its all about him not giving me attention... he knows that i am infuatated by him, and has said that he thinks that im just lonely, that there are pleanty of guys out there, and belives my feelings for him are not sincere for him as i think. but still wants to be friends.
So, okay good. but after all that, now what? i feel a little heartbroken, and empty processing all this. i know not to daydream about this crush, also to spend less time with him... which then hightens my PoA silent internet stalking.
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karensheart
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
I'm Back :-)
Posts: 114
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Post by karensheart on Mar 22, 2013 10:39:18 GMT -8
fluttershy, It's hard to be rejected, no one likes it. Not even healthy people in healthy relatiunships lol. He sounds like a good friend and that at the time, you might have needed some kid of "love fix" and he justhappen to be there.... Maybe he saw the love addict in you??
Try keeping busy...and not stalking your POA on the internet. Do something healthy, go for a walk, exercise, a craft... something that requires some concentration to take your mind elsewhere.
Take care and come here everyday. We areall here for the same reason... support, help, knowledge... So read, post, learn, cry, vent ... We've all done it. :-) You're not alone :-)
Karensheart
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Post by loveanimals on Mar 22, 2013 21:28:19 GMT -8
Yes thank you for sharing flutter shy, I can relate since I'm going through withdrawal as well!
Just focus on taking care of you.
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Post by fluttershy on Mar 22, 2013 22:40:31 GMT -8
Thank you for your responses... I did see my crush/friend today at work briefly and I wanted to so badly to just be near him or strike up any kind of conversation. I smelled his cologne and I felt instantly attracted to him... but then I saw his baggy pants and checked out his little white "beehind" and was instantly appalled. Which, was a good reminder, that I am not physically attracted to this guy. We didn't talk much, and he left without saying goodbye. Which is fine, but pulls a tug at me. Its not the end of the world... right? no, it isn't. We're still fine. But, I crave his attention, his acknowledgement. And given that he's a friend, things will still be fine tomorrow. I'm working on step 2, trusting in higher power and not to give into the fantasy aspect of this.
There is also someone else I'm craving very similar attention from, another male friend, whose good friends with my current crush. They have very similar personality traits. The only thing that makes this male friend different is that he is married, so for me he's instantly unavailable. This other male friend brushed me off rudely the other day, and I feel like I did something wrong and at the moment I got caught up and was looking for ways to "fix" it but he became more annoyed with me. When i told girl friend about this she mentioned that his actions speak louder than words, so just let him go. And i realized, this seems like a simliar pattern. I have a hard time "letting it go". Any time someone is angry or annoyed with me, I feel like I have to try harder to please them, I make apologies for them, all so they can like me more or just not be angry at me. A lot of people comment on how I am over apologetic and its annoying... and usually my first response to this is "im sorry"
Okay, Overall... i know it was a good day. I did not silently check up on Perosn of Addiction. I just would like to validate though that part of me that feels empty instead of wanting validation by these other guys.
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Post by loveanimals on Mar 23, 2013 6:53:04 GMT -8
Hi fluttershy,
So putting the men aside, what is going on with you to want validation from other men?
It's really not about the men, it's about filling an empty void within ourselves, whether it be from our childhood, peer abandonment or some other type of trauma.
Have you explored this at all?
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Post by fluttershy on Mar 23, 2013 11:42:12 GMT -8
You know I've been thinking about this. "What do i want validated?" ...is it a past trauma?
My POF, does come up often. Questions like is he happy? And why her? Not me? Why didn't he pick me? And im learning, not to compare my life to his. Those question don't go anywhere, keep me in a trance. But there is deep pain with that abandonment, and some grief.
I think ...I want validation, that i am happy without my PoA... Reassurance, from that. If my PoA was still my boyfriend, and not an addiction, could i honestly brush off these guys opinion off and say "well, at least i have great guy waiting for me home. And being with him makes it all better. So who cares what they think" but it seems like i would still be seeking validation from my ex... Hence its what makes him PoA...
I dunno. Im still thinking about that, what do i want validated? I can see that I strongly believe my happiness is dependent on what people think of me. And I know others would correct me to say its false belief. But it's one that it so hard to adjust and change.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 23, 2013 11:44:39 GMT -8
You are projecting. Google transference. You want these things from your parents. Your Inner Child wants this from this guy. Resist. Talk to you Child.
Members . . . please elaborate on this.
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Post by Loving My Life on Mar 24, 2013 6:23:03 GMT -8
fluttershy, I know when I first found this site, my emotions were all over the place, I could not think straight, I had to do a lot of reading, and posting, and muddle my way through this insanity.
Nothing made sense to me, nothing was adding up, my poa's was saying how much he loved me, but his actions did not match, and I was wanting him to validate my feelings, I wanted him to keep his promises to me. Well as I started on this painful journey, and I started to peel back the layers of this onion, I realized this was never going to happen.
The first book I read was the Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes, and it began to open my eyes as to what was going on, I started to relate to my poa, and I also thought if I loved him enough, he would become the person he promises me he was, and we would make a life together, and live happily ever after. I was very naïve, and I was too trusting, and I allowed this man to keep coming back no matter how bad he treated me, and this is what kept him coming back....the pain of losing him was greater than the pain he was causing me. But I still could not figure out why I was letting this person do this to me.
When I read "Homecoming..Reclaiming Your Inner Child, by John Bradshaw, this was a heavy read for me, and it open my eyes to where a lot of my pain was coming from, and it was old wounds from my childhood, that never healed, and/or learning early on how to survive in life, and my survival skills that I lived by for years, until I got sober, did not work any longer, I had to reparent my inner child, little Carolyn, and I had to learn new healthy coping skills. I also had to talk to my inner child and let her know, I would not let anyone else hurt her, I would take care of her now. And just by becoming aware of where my emotions were coming from, has helped me so much, and I just don't allow myself or my inner child to be hurt.
When we are running on emotions this is our inner child, having a fit because she is not getting her way, this is childlike...when we deal with logic, this is our adult and we just have to become aware of who is running the show. All I knew was running on emotions, I did not know any other way, but there is another healthy way, and it is reparenting our inner child, and dealing with logic, and not so much on a emotional roller coaster anymore.
I hope this helps..
Keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.
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Post by vivien on Mar 24, 2013 7:42:32 GMT -8
I like what Susan said about projecting and it is all about your inner child. Very true and to the point. I can understand your situation. The thing the i love about him the most is his personality and how he's been an emotional comfort. i know that chemistry-wise, it isnt there... unless i daydream about it... which, given how i can fantasize about it, i dont let myself go there |
One of my POA's I was infatuated for years. He was in my spiritual community and we connected spiritually - we could talk about meditation and spiritual things for hours. My mind never really went to the physical part or fantasizing sexually. I thought our connection was too special for that and I wouldn't let my mind go there. So I justified my torchbearing because it wasn't about sex, it was about our "super special" connection way beyond just sex. Every time I saw him or if he would be at a retreat, at a breakfast, at a party, I had to always see where he was, who he was talking to, etc. When he talked to me, I would search his eyes for more information/validation - Like can I figure out if he really likes me more than a friend by gazing into his eyes. If he didn't talk to me one day, my world would crumble and I would then do other things like drink or other self medicating things because i didn't know what to do. I didn't know it at the time, and how very sad when I look back now, that all my value and worth was hinged on that man. If he acknowledged me and we had a great conversation, I was on cloud 9. If he was distant, I was a mess. It wasnt even about wanting to be in a relationship with him. If he asked me out, romantically, on a date and said he would like to date me, I don't think I would even know what to do. I bet, if that happened, I would not like him anymore. Because the chase, the drama of the highs/lows would be gone. He was just there to trigger my abandonment issues. When he was distant, I would feel like my world ended, I was abandoned, there was no hope. I would crave and crave for him to acknowledge me, but I guess knowing even if he did, I would be 'abandoned' again when he would become distant. Now, I am in recovery, but some of this is being brought back up again. I thought I was over this behavior, but I find myself being drawn to a man, that triggers that same old abandonment issues (being hot/cold, friendly one day/distant the next). And what I am doing is pulling myself out of the fantasy, talking myself through it, working on giving myself love. Taking care of myself every day (physically, financially - saving $, etc), being responsible, eating better, self-care. I have to remind the panicked Inner Child that I will not abandon her. If I am there for her 100%, then she will never be abandoned. I am not quite there with trusting myself on this one, but the more I take care of myself and show myself I wont abandon myself, I hope the more confident I become in trusting myself. I think when we get there, when we know we can not ever be abandoned ever again, because we are 100% there for ourselves, then the magic spell these guys have on us will slowly fade, the illusion will shatter. |
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Post by loveanimals on Mar 24, 2013 11:57:06 GMT -8
Hi vivien,
A lot of men play the hot/cold game on purpose to be able to "get" a woman and control her, and it sounds like this works for many of us who are injured.
I'm glad that you are reparenting your inner child!
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