Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Blow
Mar 25, 2013 4:51:08 GMT -8
Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2013 4:51:08 GMT -8
Just saw a pic on FB after 1/2 years; my ex is still with the person he met after me. It's been 2.5 years. I've been single. I felt like someone punched me. I resent him still too much. I'm still living with the physical consequences of all of that. One of those consequences affects me everyday deeply and I can't change it. It makes me deeply unhappy and it's beyond my control. So Im stuck resenting him even if I know it's not good for me, and I try not to.
I don't understand. Once his infatuation was over and he knew he had me, my PoA tried to force me to do something I didnt want and took pleasure in that power; I heard it in his voice/manner. I was bullied heavily in school, so I felt hurt immediately, but stuck to him still at that point. It was the same feelings as high school. He didn't care and really seemed to like putting me in that spot. He said he had been a bully in high school but that he was "cured". No, he's not. He'd also put me down and threw something in my face that I confided in him; he used it as a weapon against me. Because I was feeling so dependent on him and heartbroken already, this crushed me. I felt deeply humiliated. Again, he enjoyed it and that's why he did it. He felt powerful by putting me down. Is it me that I'm too sensitive because of the bullying in my past? The situations I just described hurt me deeply. My self esteem was good before I met him, but with the breakup and his put downs/bullying and me still trying to work everything out and make sense of everything, I was crushed. I felt such a strong bond to him by then, that I didn't react normally. But he's still with this new person after 2.5 years. Maybe this person deals with his bullying and put downs differently; fights it better than I did and avoids too much pain. But their LTR is lasting. My life changed too much for the worse, but they are still together. I know I'm not supposed to compare my interior to people's exteriors. We never know what's going on. But they're still together so something is working. Unfortunately, sometimes I think it was me. I get too hurt and it disrupts the LTRs. Maybe it's an attitude thing. It has happened twice before for different reasons. And then I stay hurt for a long time while they seem to rebound with someone else fast, something I haven't been able to do while I'm hurt. I've had years of therapy because of the bullying thing, and I got to a place 3 years ago and before where I was actually happy with my life and friends, and very independent. But then I met him, and after 6 months of bliss, the nightmare started. It's like it erodes my self esteem to the point where it was in high school. So, maybe I can't have relationships because I get crushed and its dangerous to my well being in the end, while they seem to rebound OK. I know it's a self esteem problem that surfaces from my past and instead of feeling anger towards him, I got really hurt and stuck because of that bond. But then, it is me. This new person knows how to handle him better than me. Usually, I wouldn't make comparisons like this, but here I just don't know. My ex was a jerk to me, but maybe he's not now. Thing is, I just don't know what is my responsibility and what was his.
|
|
|
Blow
Mar 25, 2013 14:07:37 GMT -8
Post by swilly on Mar 25, 2013 14:07:37 GMT -8
Hi onelife, Do you ever read books about men? what makes them tick? what they really like and don't like about women? for sooo long, I was doing it all wrong, I'd have boyfriends real fast, then for some reason after about 6-9 months they would like someone else. that was hard! I read "Why Men Love Witches" (witches with a B.) by Sherry Argov. If you are interested, I would highly recommend it, if not it's ok too. I just think differently now. And of course, never ever stop reading the material on love addiction.
Swilly
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Blow
Mar 25, 2013 15:03:39 GMT -8
Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2013 15:03:39 GMT -8
Thanks Swilly, yes, I know that men can be fickle. I understand about looking at it differently because I have. I know once the toy is not new anymore, they may get bored. I'll research that book, thank you.
|
|
|
Blow
Mar 25, 2013 17:43:11 GMT -8
Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 25, 2013 17:43:11 GMT -8
Be careful with these books. We are in the middle of change because of the equal rights for woman march that still goes on. Men are evolving but have a long way to go. Some of these books ask women to go back to their codependent ways and men love that. (There are a lot of men who are an exception to this.)
Before you read these instruction manuals about how to make a man happy, make sure your self-esteem is on solid ground. Write your own book first on what you want from a man.
I have been forced, against my will, to accept one thing about most men. As Scott Peck points out men need to be attracted to a woman physically. He said that this is God's way of getting men past theiir fear of intimacy. This would apply to a female love avoidants as well.
Let's discuss this sometime. My inner child still wants to be loved for her inner beauty. Also, I would rather be alone than do some of the things women do to be attractive. See Beauty Bound by Rita Friedman.
This does not need women need to be beautiful, it just means that the man must think she is. Projection can help here.
I had a friend who lost her breasts to cancer. She advertised for a man who would adore her body. Not overlook it, but adore it. She got one reply and he indeed adores her body. He projects on to her her admiration for members of the Scar Clan. See Estes. She is beautiful to him which gets him past his fears.
So attraction is a double-edged sword. Look for it, but don't be a slave to it. Be prepared to go hungry rather than eat a poison apple.
IMO
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Mar 26, 2013 3:50:13 GMT -8
So Im stuck resenting him even if I know it's not good for me, and I try not to. You're not stuck. Unless you prefer to be. ANd in that case, you need to own it and say, "I prefer to be stuck because I've got nothing better to do." But you're not stuck. What's going on instead is that you are choosing to be a victim. He did this to me and because I was weak, I believed him. He was a bully and because I knew no better, I got hurt and now I am damaged. This type of thinking is toxic. And if you don't learn to change it (and it can be changed), it will continue to plague you throughout your entire life. Children cannot make logic decisions for themselves. They can be victims. They don't know any better. But adults rarely have the luxury of being able to say, "I didn't know any better." At a certain point, growing up means taking responsibility for your actions, for who you date, what you are wiling to believe and for what you are willing to put blinders on. It also does zero good to focus on his new relationship and why it has lasted so long. It has lasted for this simple truth: they are (or appear to be) more compatible than the two of you. Period. How does focusing on their relationship help you in any way shape or form? It doesn't. It only serves to fuel your resentment. It's time to let go of that focus and realize that you are obsessing and focusing on them because that allows you to not have to focus or work on yourself. We are no so much love addicts as we are avoiders of ourselves. Here are a couple blog posts I would suggest reading. Hang in there. Focus on YOU and what is under your control. You have no control or no business focusing on him and his life anymore. It only serves to stunt your growth. ANd guess what, YOU ARE WORTH FOCUSING ON. WHo do you blame? thelovelyaddict.com/2011/04/01/who-do-you-blame/DOn't be a victim thelovelyaddict.com/2009/11/20/i-hate-to-say-but/
|
|
|
Blow
Mar 26, 2013 11:04:40 GMT -8
Post by Jacarandagirl on Mar 26, 2013 11:04:40 GMT -8
If this man is such a bully, as you describe him, and he made you feel so bad about yourself...shouldn't the point be that you really want to stop this focusing on him, rather than focus on the fact that the problems in the relationship might have been to do with you? (Which of course they were, exactly 50% of them. No other possibility).
Also the fact that he is in a rel for more than 2.5 years doesn't mean it's healthy. I've had longer relationships with men that weren't very intimate.
I think I've heard about this before with the boyfriend we reject- if they get together with someone else and it seems to be working we wonder if we should have left them. Suddenly our garbage looks valuable again. At a dating night I went to years ago we were encouraged to bring an ex along, and I heard it referred to as "one man's trash is another man's treasure". Or woman's.
A male friend of mine's wife left him last year. I saw her out on the town one Friday night, hunting for a new man in her tight black leather pants with a bunch of girlfriends. Some months later I found out they were back together. Apparently what happened was that after about 6 months of loneliness he started to date other women, nothing serious but younger women than his ex. He told me it was like he suddenly realised there was almost a swarm of women around him. (In this area I live there are more women then men). She took him back real fast after that!
None of it guarantees happiness. If you are unhappy within yourself, it will come out with your partner. You will project your fears and dislikes onto him. So it's really necessary to be up for looking at everything inside that makes you unhappy, if you want to find "happily ever after".
|
|
|
Blow
Mar 26, 2013 14:16:31 GMT -8
Post by fluttershy on Mar 26, 2013 14:16:31 GMT -8
i can relate my ex, PoA. we were on and off for so many times. We never were that exclusive title of boyfriend and girlfriend. And its shameful when i tell people that whole bit... so I refer to him as my ex and hope they make the assumptions we were together as an exclusive relationship. I've known my PoA since high school, we were together after high school for 3 (which were mostly on and off) then absolutely no contact with each other 3 years, then out of the blue he contacted me. Then we slowly did another 3 years of being together (but not exclusively). Then these last 2 years he has stopped contact with me... He then got a girl pregnant and she gave birth this last september. That blow brings me to tears each time. He officially could call her his girlfriend... but for me it feels like "i got you ready to be in relationship? really?!" I can relate, for me its "what was about me that he couldn't commit?" not to mention we had two pregnancy scares and how he dealt with that... was so shameful for my esteem. I have yet to have closure with this... but to accept it is that. And it hurts terribly. I do have moment of peace. And since his baby was born I did come to decision. Checking up on his life doesn't make me present in mine. I think about this before i check him up... it isn't easy. I do hope for any kind of signs that they are miserable or are breaking up... but then again, he isn't calling me up. I'd like to be believe there's karma out there... but... at best I can say at least Im not with someone who is on and off with me raising a baby. At least im not putting a child a thru that. And it true that baby does deserve a stable happy home. I can't validate that he's still the same narcissistic selfish but many do assure me he is. I often think about that saying "you get what you give?" perhaps its me whose getting the karma end of the stick. Maybe it was me whose the problem and not him. Im still not open. i just wanted to say, " i hear ya... it blows"
|
|
|
Blow
Mar 26, 2013 14:26:58 GMT -8
Post by Freetolive on Mar 26, 2013 14:26:58 GMT -8
I like LovelyJunes statement...We are no so much love addicts as we are avoiders of ourselves. Powerful statement, I had to google it. And it is so much what I'm seeing in areas of my life today. I've really been sad "and playing a victim in my mind" for the years wasted, but I need to tighten up and try not to waste anymore.
|
|
|
Blow
Mar 26, 2013 15:02:50 GMT -8
Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 26, 2013 15:02:50 GMT -8
I like LovelyJunes statement...We are no so much love addicts as we are avoiders of ourselves. Powerful statement, I had to google it. And it is so much what I'm seeing in areas of my life today. I've really been sad "and playing a victim in my mind" for the years wasted, but I need to tighten up and try not to waste anymore. We are self-alienated. The split from ourselves is horrific. The best description of this is in the book The Primal Scream by Janov. His recovery methods have proved skeptical but his words about splitting are heartbreaking. Picture a baby crying for hours unattended. This happened to my son when I passed out from my alcoholism. For me it happened when I was put in the hospital for six months. From this . . .
|
|
|
Blow
Mar 26, 2013 17:19:15 GMT -8
Post by Freetolive on Mar 26, 2013 17:19:15 GMT -8
I need to read up on that too.
|
|