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Post by bluebird on Oct 2, 2008 19:16:10 GMT -8
Definition A boundary is a line--usually an invisible line you set that you don't want others to cross. Your boundaries are defined by your personal limits, values, and life experiences. If you're in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable, or if someone does something that you don't like, your line has been crossed. The boundaries you set can affect how a person talks to you, how someone treats you, how someone might touch you, and so much more. Boundaries aren't walls that close you in or keep people out - they're more like a clear protective bubble you create around yourself. In fat, boundaries are actually about letting people in. Setting and honoring boundaries builds respect in your relationships. When you let people know what you're comfortable with and what will help them be closer to you. But you can't expect people to guess your boundaries ( or vice versa). We all have to speak up and let our boundaries be known. Usually, the best way to draw a line with someone is by using a straightforward, strong voice to say something like "I don't feel comfortable when you _________. Please don't do that around me anymore." Copied from a book RESPECT written by Courtney Macavinta and Anderea Varden Plugh, 2005, p.8 The book is directed at young women learning how to give and receive respect. Many of us missed some of these basic interpersonal skills when we were growing up. Our parents may not have had them to share or perhaps other influences kept us from grasping and developing these affirming practices. We can learn them now. Even if we know, are we able to practice boundaries in our relationships-- especially with our POA's |
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Post by geedee on Nov 4, 2009 14:10:25 GMT -8
posted this on another thread but think this is a better place...
I've been crying and praying for guidance all morning. I've been feeling uneasy ever since my POA pinged thru my friend a couple of days ago and have been worrying about what my POA has been thinking about me initiating NC without telling him. When I was desperate he always left a door open to me whenever I went back to him. he deserves to know.
he doesn't know he has a disease too. he may be a narcissist and a sex addict and S/W but it's not my place to tell him that....however he's still a human being. I owe it to him as a human being to tell him I am a love addict in recovery. no blame games. no insults or ranting or raving.
I am in God's hands again and strong enough to tell my POA that I am an addict, that it's not his fault but that I cannot have any contact with him for my sanity's sake. I have also told him that I have blocked him again and that he is not to contact me thru my friend. needed those boundaries to be clearly defined and for him to know exactly why given our past 'breakups'
I think I've done the right thing because just leaving things hanging was blocking me I think.
I have absolutely no desire to hear his answer or know what he is up to. i know I need him out of my life and think this email will help me to get thru this better
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Post by lotus on Nov 4, 2009 21:15:59 GMT -8
I was the same way with my POA. The last time he contacted me, I just told him straight out that I was a love addict and that I couldn't have contact with him because that would be like an alcoholic going into a bar. I also feel he is a love addict, but didn't feel it was my place to tell him that. It worked out for me...he hasn't contacted me since. My therapist thought I was trying to make more drama...I don't feel that way. I suppose it could have turned out bad allowing myself to be vulnerable like that. Maybe he would decide to try to prey upon me. But, from what I do know about my POA, he does seem to have some decency and I think the decent side of him did what it had to and he has left me alone.
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Post by geedee on Nov 5, 2009 0:18:43 GMT -8
Thanks Besatt. i used the alcoholic analogy too in my email to my POA.
I have been a real drama queen throughout the last 18 mths but this time it's very different. It's not cat and mouse any more. he is no longer my HP and I want him to have no hold on me whatsoever.
the thought that he would be trying to find out my home address to send me a bday card was starting to worry me.
I really don't think he would do that because of stuff he has told me about in the past- his ex AP sent him a letter which is how wife found out about his EMA eventually and almost wrecked his marriage- I felt his intense pain when he was thrown out. the anguish at the thought he would lose his beautiful kids.
and he is not all bad. and I was really really nasty to him on and off for months. i made a real character assassination of him and he took it all without once insulting me. that makes me feel sad right now because he's sick and doesnt know it.
but i think this was just a ping. because he's getting no answers from me ( he knows i could never resist getting back to him if I got an email). he desreves to know and maybe, just maybe he'll realise one day that he has a problem, get help and save his own marriage and family.
i wish I were strong enough to keep him in my prayers but i feel better when i don't think about him. at least in this stage of my recovery.
so like you, it's not about drama but about letting him know that he is my poison in the hope that he will let go once and for all. because even tho he's a sex addict and narcissist, he is still a very decent person in many ways ....and he has a heart and soul like the rest of us and deserves closure. i wish him recovery and a happy fulfilling life with his family. no hard feelings
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Post by geedee on Mar 24, 2010 8:47:51 GMT -8
I'm glad I still feel the same way about my POA almost 5 months later.
G
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Post by lotus on Mar 24, 2010 14:55:32 GMT -8
whoa, weird reading my old post. My POA DID contact me after that and was totally trying to manipulate me. I don't know if he was doing it consciously, but yeah, I was wrong. NC is the way, especially if the other person is not healthy or not in recovery.
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Post by lessthanicanbe on Oct 16, 2010 3:50:40 GMT -8
Boundaries.....
SOOO hard to stay true to them sometimes, especially when they are really challenged. I try very hard not to judge people, but what I have learned in the past few months is to not allow anyone who has hurt me, or has the potential to hurt me past my "invisible" wall. I work on these every day through reading, talking to friends who understand, revisiting old memories, and when I feel the intense desire to "fix". I cannot fix anyone, and know that if I try.....I am only hurting me, and taking away their power to live their own lives.
Why are boundaries so hard? What is that we think we are accomplishing by letting others we know don't deserve to be in our inner circles in? I sincerely think that many who have violated my trust aren't to blame.....it is my fault. I didn't set high enough standards for myself, and it was only through intense therapy that I recognized that about myself. My therapist asked me why I was drawn to my ex POA.....I didn't have many answers, but since we had spent so much time talking about him...she finally gave me her thoughts. She said that "do you think that you feel you don't deserve the good man you have at home?" She continued by asking me if perhaps I had allowed my POA in because he was the kind of person I thought I deserved, and that with him, somehow I felt validated because he didn't have any boundaries himself, and I didn't have to be a good person with him. That is not a critique.....it is a fact.
I am not saying he is less.....that is not for me to say. I can only say he treated me less than a person deserved to be treated, and his abandonment of me was something I would not have done to anyone. It is, however, his choice to do that.....and it is not up to me to say whether it was right or wrong FOR HIM....I can only say it was, in the end, an intervention by my HP that allowed me to see the truth.
I am working, so hard, on figuring out what my boundaries are, and how not to settle for what others feel that I deserve. I am my own person....I choose, and no one else does, not for me....not anymore. I will slip, and fall, and make naive decisions....but recognizing those actions, and not living my life in those mistakes is what I strive for.
Loving me for a change through boundaries! It is a wonderful gift.....one I can thank my POA for, and especially my HP!
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Post by express123 on Oct 19, 2010 11:21:22 GMT -8
A great way to create boundaries and recover is to be honest with people you care about most. I knew I had major problems, but didn't self-diagnose until my husband found out about my affairs. I had already left the last guy months before (classic seductive withholder/romance addict), but still obsessing because of my need to keep him on my string of available go-tos for attention. I couldn't let go completely.
When it all came out into the open and my husband decided to stick with me, I had an amazing moment of clarity on what love really is. For the first time, someone saw all my flaws and chose to love me anyway. He didn't cut and run like I expected him to. After doing a lot of research and reading and praying, I have learned that love addiction not only hurts you, but it also hurts the people around you and those you engage with. I always keep that in mind when I get "twinges." The boundaries are not just for my benefit, but also for my husband, my children and the potential people who could be harmed or enabled by my bad choices. It is so empowering to view a situation from a distance and actively say "no" before anything even starts.
One recent episode involved a client of mine. He is a NASCAR fan and emailed me one day to say he was so disappointed in his favorite driver. I sent a clever email back along with some professional information, and he replied with, "You make me laugh." I felt the boundary right there and did not reply. It felt good.
I am now one year and 10 months in recovery and my life has never been better. I'm present for my children, committed to my husband, no longer angry, and doing positive things I'd never thought I could do. I feel like an adult.
My husband is still suffering from grief over the life he thought we had, but he is still here. And I'm finally mature enough to work on our marriage with him and not run away emotionally like I did before. And no matter what happens, I know I am loved and enough just the way I am. God is enough, frankly.
I hope you are all on that same road. Face your fears. It's worth it.
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Post by mybestme on Oct 19, 2010 11:28:36 GMT -8
Thank you express! Your message touched me deeply.
MBM
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Post by gypsysoul on May 13, 2012 7:58:06 GMT -8
I just read what Paisley wrote and had to smile...ditto on that. While in NC, my hope that he won't contact me is about equal with my hope that he will. The first is the healthy, the latter the unhealthy....SO many times in the past I've created "boundaries" in his absence....only to instantly forget them when I heard from him. Finally, it led to my hoping I'd not hear from him...
I long for the day when, instead, I KNOW that I'm strong and healed enough that it won't matter what HE does...I KNOW I'd ignore it. Not because he is toxic, or a bad person, but because the outcome is set in stone ....he'd come back, we'd get close, he'd go. THAT certainty IS something I've, finally, accepted as truth.
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Post by From the ashes on Dec 9, 2015 5:49:57 GMT -8
I was having trouble understanding what boundaries are - so I read up on them last night and I don't have hardly ANY! That's why I find people so threatening whether they are male or female, I don't know where I end and others begin.
I believed I was honouring myself and beliefs but my actions, words and reactions are fears based to do with the victim mentality I had to endure in childhood and past relationships to survive and be accepted.
I do do not need that mentality anymore! I am an adult!
It's a huge glowing beacon to the unhealthy, to manipulators and psychopaths!!!!
Copied and pasted from a book called Boundaries by AB Admin explaining what boundaries are ...
Physical boundaries deal with your privacy, personal space, sexuality, and body. They determine who may enter your personal space and who may touch you, and under what circumstances.
Mental boundaries give you the freedom to have and express your own thoughts and opinions.
Emotional boundaries give you the freedom to feel and express your emotions, and help you disengage from the harmful and manipulative emotions of others.
Material boundaries determine whether you lend or give things to others, such as your money, car, books, or food. Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with.
Assertiveness is communicating in a direct and honest way. That's all it is.
Boundaries communicate what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from others. That's all they are.
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