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Post by kelleyboy on Apr 6, 2013 22:46:54 GMT -8
This latest rash of LA didn't start until around November when I found out my brother was ill. He passed away(cirrhosis) on December 31st. he was 47. A shock for the whole family, he went fast. Thankfully I got to see him before it happened, but even then we had no idea he would leave us.
Along with his passing, the company i work for went through a merger. It seems this agency is constantly changing, and I just have not handled it well. With the merger my Manager/POA moved her desk away from me to sit with the other managers. This is probably a good thing, but again, I did not handle that well.
I just went completely NC with my wife, who I have been separated from for three years. We talked on the phone at least twice a month up until two weeks ago. She wanted me to help her have a child, and I just could not agree to it. With all the other things in my life, I decided having contact with her was not helping either of us. I emailed her a note telling her I would no longer be in contact with her. She has texted me and called back, but I have not responded. I filed for divorce Friday.
3 weeks ago, I had to surrender a pet. That sucked. Lots of guilt there.
Last week, My manager/POA notified me that she was making another co-worker of mine, manager of the junior developers. I got very upset, and it angered her. I am not on a track to be manager, but it somehow hit me wrong. Lot of self-pity about this news. I have been there almost 8 years. He's been there 2. Entitlement. She told me that with the way I have been reacting to things lately, she wouldn't have considered me for the position anyway. Said that my reactions and attitude have been affecting others. This hurt a lot.
I have been suffering a lot of depression since, and the craving to go to her with my pain has been very strong. She is aware of all that I am dealing with, and although sympathetic at some point, it is just having the affect sending her running in the other direction. There is quite a bit of enmeshment between us. I feed off of it, and have been going through lot of withdrawal when she is not available. It is obvious to her and she will occasionally pick me up to see if I am OK. This is our relationship right now. I crumble and expect her to fix me, she occasionally obliges. She really cannot stand it when I am not well, so she props me up the best she can, then disappears.
So, a LOT of grief, a lot of shame , and even more self-pity. Oh, and a lot of fury. I am pretty mad right now.
So for my recovery, I have been spending time on this board, going to more alanon meetings. I also go to therapy weekly and SAA. Today I went to the IRC chat SLAA meeting. I call my SAA sponsor every morning and we pray together. I go to an AA meeting on Friday's. I am going to a step workshop tomorrow afternoon.
I know I am still fighting. I don't know what I need to do but am willing to listen. I really appreciate that this board is recovery focused and expect to get my butt kicked here. I think i need it.
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 7, 2013 4:20:26 GMT -8
What if I told you that there's a "secret" door hidden in your home that leads to a world void of shame, self-pity, grief and fury? A world of inner-peace, pride, strength, happiness, and courage? That all along, you've had this door, you simply didn't know it existed until I came along and mentioned it?
What would you do? Would you open it and walk through? Or would you grumble about it and say, "I don't believe in doors, or quick fixes, or any of that cr@p."
I need to know before I tell you where the door is located...
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Apr 7, 2013 8:04:05 GMT -8
LJ....I would open it and walk through.... Thanks so much for your experience, strength and hope, I needed to read/hear this, I am too struggling with many things....My entire life is about to change in just a few short weeks...and its very scary for me as well....change that is....My head is telling me lies....I also need to remind myself, not to listen its lies.. i feel much relief at this moment to know i can focus on the secret door....and of coursed finding it...Sun
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Post by kelleyboy on Apr 7, 2013 9:57:43 GMT -8
I would enthusiastically open it and walk through, at this point. Belief or not, I need to change. Thanks for your reply, LJ.
Sun, I can relate to the fear of change = lies, equation. It is causing me a lot of problems right now.
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 8, 2013 4:23:04 GMT -8
kelleyboy and sunflwrs…the door already exists. What are you waiting for?
Quit blaming all these people and circumstances on troubles that you yourself are generating. Start to blame yourself. WHen you do that, you become in control of changing the behavior.
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Post by kelleyboy on Apr 8, 2013 9:41:39 GMT -8
Thanks for the suggestion, LJ. I will take responsibility for myself. This weekend I spent my time at 12 step meetings, talking to my sponsor. I bought the "Love Addiction" movie and watched it. It was awesome . I re-read Susans book. Trying to immerse myself in the solution right now. Thanks again.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Apr 8, 2013 13:06:40 GMT -8
thanks LJ...I didnt think i was blaming anyone...other than myself....I am working on step 4 at this moment on me....and i am not sure why this fear continues to creep up on me and crippling me at times. And that same part of me that doesnt want to grow up and take responsibility and just hide in isolation. I am opening the door and walking through it. I am visually seeing it the door as I open it and walk through it.. as i type this. It's so much easier to do this with everyone..It's time for me to embrace a NEW....and unfamiliar road. I feel lucky and grateful to be able to walk this new path with everyone. Who else is coming with me? God knows I can't do it alone any longer....I cant he can and I think I will let him. Fear=False evidence appearing real....thanks so much everyone... Kelleyboy....glad to know you are taking responsibility for yourself as well...No one can do it for us...not even our ADDICTION ANY LONGER....Sun
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Post by jewell on Apr 8, 2013 13:07:36 GMT -8
Hi everyone. There is a song I recently heard that describes my past attitude. "This life would kill me if I didn't have you". The relationships I had were not loving relationships. I have low self esteem and hook up with emotionally unavailable people. I have been out of a relationship one year as of April 1, 2013. But ex is slowly trying to insert himself back into my life as he is in recovery in a halfway house. I see same pattern. Start to follow same pattern then change my mind. I do not want to end up back with him. So I just backed off today, and here I am.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Apr 8, 2013 15:56:24 GMT -8
hello jewell...welcome to the boards, I dont think I heard that song before. It does feel awesome to know we are not alone. Congratsss!!!! on your 1 year out of a relationship. And your awareness and insight on the repeated patterns. I am so happy that you have changed your mind, a year is a very long time to not be with him and then want to go back to that life style. Glad you found the boards. Please look at the home page and introduce yourself to us and read, read, and read everthing your can and continue posting as much as you like. You will learn a lot. Welcome to the world of recovery. Sun
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Post by jewell on Apr 8, 2013 16:07:37 GMT -8
Hi Sun. Thanks for your welcome. You know the guy that I almost got mixed up with again was not the last relationship from a year ago. It was my ex-husband who keeps coming back. I can't even count the times we have split and got back together. Twice officially married and divorced. It's alot harder cuz whole family involved. Well I will go try to introduce myself. Julie
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 8, 2013 16:32:51 GMT -8
Sorry Sun, that was directed to kelleyboy And kelleyboy…AWESOME!!!!! Keep it up. The more you learn and the more time you spend focusing not on the problem but the solution, you will change
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Post by kelleyboy on Apr 8, 2013 23:14:47 GMT -8
Thanks LJ, I feel, for the first time in my life, that I am passing into acceptance around my love addiction. Before, I knew I had it, and it was painful. But I had no faith that there was any other way. That sounds right. I could hear the world saying, Kelley-- the only way to change this, is to accept it first. And I nodded and parroted it back, but, I must have a lot of delusions about what acceptance is. Maybe I'm just finally ready. God, I hope I am. This last 4 months have been interminably, painfully difficult. I feel like I have been in a long dream, and can't quite make sense of the chain of events. Much of it had nothing to do with love addiction, but just as much of it did. Stuff, I am now realizing in hindsight, was all about love addiction. My marriage was all about it. I have been separated from her for almost three years. Just now filing...
I have very very close recovery friends. They are brothers who love me and have been trying for years to show me my own goodness, and value. My own sponsor last night told me that from what he knows about me and sees in me is a very wounded man. When I heard that, I felt an acknowledgment deep inside. I felt the truth of it. I was glad he was honest with me about that. I think actually felt my own value. d**n miracle.
I'm reading a good book about love addiction. "Love Addict: Sex, Romance and other dangerous drugs" by Ethlie Ann Vare. I've highlighted way too many paragraphs to be useful. There are a lot of us out there. A lot of men too.
Today was a "lights are on" day. Immersing myself has been good.
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 9, 2013 3:17:11 GMT -8
Good. Keep reading. And here's a little more homework: get the "Self-esteem workbook" and do every single page.
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Post by kelleyboy on Apr 9, 2013 12:07:04 GMT -8
purchased. will look at it tonight.
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Post by shigatze on Apr 9, 2013 19:16:30 GMT -8
Where to you get the workbook? Is it an e-book?
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Post by kelleyboy on Apr 9, 2013 20:36:05 GMT -8
I did buy the kindle version on amazon. If you go to amazon and search for the title it will come up. They have both hard bound and kindle version.
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 10, 2013 3:06:23 GMT -8
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Post by kelleyboy on Apr 10, 2013 5:00:27 GMT -8
Just woke up after having a dream about her. So, I'm just writing about it to help dampen the withdrawal and obsession. naive dreams. Not sure i mentioned that she is my manager now, and has even more power over me, at least in terms of firing me. I have some fear over that, although it is mostly unfounded. Last few months, there have been a handful of instances where I have tried to make her responsible for my unhappiness, and it has taken its toll. Anyway, I don't know why I'm writing about this. I just really feel isolated at work right now. Like an outsider. I made her my only ally.
I have been told by my therapist that to leave there(work) would be doing a geographic, and I would just bring the problem with me to my next place. I need to work on this here. I know this isn't about her. But, I have to see her and talk to her everyday. I feel trapped. Such a challenge. I don't want to get fired.
Bleh.
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Post by Havefaith on Apr 10, 2013 5:23:00 GMT -8
We don't have much control over our dreams. What I do under similar circumstances, is accept that I had the dream, then I move on and focus on the present moment and/or a healthy activity.
HaveFaith
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Post by kelleyboy on Apr 10, 2013 6:40:47 GMT -8
Thanks Faith, This morning, I read some of Ethlie Vare's book, the self esteem book that LJ recommended, called my sponsor and prayed with him. Wrote on this board. Tonight I will be going to an alanon meeting. The hardest part is always while I am at work. Horrible withdrawals, jealousy, suspicion, self-doubt, craving... I know this will pass in time. Today I am going to stay put, stay in my chair, not go to her, and stay busy. I wear headphones and listen to soothing music while there. It helps.
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Post by kelleyboy on Apr 10, 2013 9:25:52 GMT -8
Also, I am seeing my therapist today. So far it has been a good day. My energy is up, and I am in a more positive, lighter mood than I have been in for days. The giant chain linked to her doesn't seem to be so strong. I am aware of some resentment at her being my boss. Overall, I feel lighter.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 10, 2013 11:15:16 GMT -8
We don't have much control over our dreams. What I do under similar circumstances, is accept that I had the dream, then I move on and focus on the present moment and/or a healthy activity. HaveFaith I analyzed my dreams in therapy. I learned so much. My favorite dream happened when I began my fourth step inventory. I was walking down a long hall with jail cells on either side. In each cell was a different version of me. I unlocked one cell and asked the women to follow me. She had been crying. Then I and all the women I had freed arrived at a beautiful garden. There is more, but my point is that dreams are a portal to what is going on in our unconscious. It is like cutting a whole in the floor and seeing what is going on with your neighbor downstairs.
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Post by kelleyboy on Apr 10, 2013 16:13:04 GMT -8
I so absolutely believe that dreams are the portals to what is going on in our unconscious. When my dad died, whom I was not close to, I dreamed about him every night for several years. They were always dreams about me not measuring up... Dreams about my POA are more in line with, we are friends and close somehow. No clue what that means. But I am very happy in them.
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 10, 2013 20:57:12 GMT -8
Hi kelleyboy,
I've seen other therapists who would urge you to change jobs or depts and then work on yourself to ensure you don't find another POA. I can't imagine spending 8 hours a day with my POA, that would be so distracting especially if she was my boss.
You're doing a great job though going to all of these meetings and having a sponsor! Hats off to you for that! I wish I did that when I joined this board.
You're going through so much with a divorce, a POA is just compounding the problem. It sounds like you need some time alone from your estranged wife and your POA, and some peace.
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Post by kelleyboy on Apr 11, 2013 9:32:52 GMT -8
LA, I would consider it. I have struggled with leaving off an on for a longtime. One good thing is we don't sit next to each other now. That is what started most of this withdrawals. Today I said a prayer that I stay desperate for recovery. I don't wish any more unnecessary pain on myself, but I am willing to go through whatever pain is necessary to get on the other side of this addiction. Yesterday I felt pretty good, strong. It was kind of scary. In the past I would rest on my laurels when I started feeling better.
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Post by kelleyboy on Apr 12, 2013 6:34:02 GMT -8
Spent the evening reading self-esteem workbook. Very Insightful.
This morning woke up resentful about the guy from our other office who comes over everyday and chats her up and makes her laugh. So jealous. But also, I know it doesn't matter. I am done being that person. The one who changes to be around her, and can't stay away. The one who HAS to be around her. I am done. And I am done making excuses. I have hated myself as long as I can remember, and that is what makes me a love addict. I feel I have had good reason to hate myself, and shame keeps me believing those reasons. I am willing to see it another way, and I now am in search of the truth about myself. I don't care what it takes. I will no longer passively sit by and watch life go by.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Apr 12, 2013 15:03:18 GMT -8
Now thats what I am talking about. Whoa who....I also have the self-esteem book, which I need to open and work on again I just am overwhelmed with studying, I am done school in about 3 weeks after being back for 14 years. It is almost over, God willing. I can hear from your words how you are fighting back at your disease, it gives us all alot of hope and strength and it does work if you work it, so work it cause you are worth it. After reading what you said about... "I now am in search of the truth about myself. I don't care what it takes". Those words brought back lots of memories for me, I always believed that everyone else was lying to me....and believe it or not....it was ME who was doing all the lying....I always thought I was a completely honest person. Until I realized I was in total DENIAL= Don't Even No I Am Lying. Boy was that a wake up call. I too didnt care what it took I was willing to do what ever it took to live a balanced life. I seem to be switching back and forth alittle. I am trying my best One day at a time, to get thru with school so I can have that balance that I have been striving for ..for a very long time. Keep us posted You sound great and keep up the great work. Sun
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Post by jewell on Apr 12, 2013 21:13:02 GMT -8
I find fighting the disease further fuels it. I have to let go and turn it over to God and not fight it. I tell myself if this is how I feel well that's who I am. I don't worry about it because I know God will keep me on the right road. With Him on my side I can't go wrong. I am not in charge anyway so I just go with the flow.
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Post by kelleyboy on Apr 12, 2013 21:49:51 GMT -8
Well, to both jewell and sun. Truth is, I AM still fighting. I feel I am fighting everything and everyone right now, including God. I know I am. I am struggling. I am afraid, and wrestling with everything in life right now. I am also aware that i am being led somewhere. I am staying close to my sponsor and friends in program who know where I am and what I am going through. I am dealing with a great deal of grief(brothers death, divorce, LA withdrawal, major changes at work, just turned 49..you get it). I have a stuff load of self pity on me, right now. I f'ing hate where I am, and wish like hell I wasn't in this pain. It's not all Love Addiction. A lot of it is co-dependance. Alanon stuff. And just general fear. Right now, all I want to do is focus on her.
I feel I am in the dark part of life again, and I am terrified. My sponsor calls this: "Step 0". I have to be honest with myself about where I am on the map. This is where I am.
I am doing the best I can right now. I pray to do better, and to let whatever God there is, have this. I am willing to be willing. I can post on this board. I can call my sponsor every morning and evening and hang out with him, accept commitments, say yes, don't argue, take some direction...listen, listen listen. Do the steps. And try to be open.
So, anyway. I have an assignment I need to do. I am supposed to write about the "causes and conditions" around the following beliefs:
--I need a woman to make me whole(I am incomplete) --I need a woman to give me my worth( I do not have any worth) --I need a woman to give me my identity(I don't know who I am) --I need a woman to take care of me(I am not responsible for my life)
Basically I need to write down what my head tells me and what my behaviors are as a result of operating under those beliefs.
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 13, 2013 7:18:00 GMT -8
Perhaps it would also help to look for a new job so that your POA is no longer your manager?
Sometimes just the act of looking for a job fills our mind. You may not WANT to get away from her yet it will make recovery so much easier.
You're doing a great job going to meetings and having a sponsor! Yes early recovery IS tough.
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