Post by sunflwrs4evr on Apr 14, 2013 11:05:11 GMT -8
This time i can feel my anger. I am one to turn my anger inward, which turns into depression. I am angry that I am not in control of pretty much everything. And I have to accept that. I am angry that God is not doing what I need, want and desire him to do. I just feel like all these things are happening to me and i am really struggling and handing on...and the line is getting thinner and thinner and closer and closer.
I spoke about my anger towards God last night and I really never gave it words, I would just keep it in. It's as I am blaming him for everything that is happening at this time in my life. And guess what, wonderful things are about to happen and i am not feeling it. Fourteen years of school and in a few weeks I am done. Where is my life going to go. Why can't i let go and let God do for me what i cannot do for myself. How do i ask him to help me when i am so freakkkky mad at him. Life shouldnt be this hard. I am tired of working this hard. I need a freaky break......and when i have time to do it like now, what do i do. I work on me and my recovery. Which is good but I still feel the same way.
Okay I am going to freak out. I will be back when i am done and I will let you all know what happened. I even scared that God will not accept me being mad at him.
Okay I am back and totally drained. I did let all of my feelings out to God. And it was okay that I was angry with him for taking away my mother, sister, father, older son, over and over again. Bottom line is I am angry and tired that I continue to do everything on my own and i cant do it anymore. I need him to guide me and lead me to do what I need to do and no more fear. The fear has left me, I am at peace knowing that God is taking over and his has my back. I have to strong and not believe in anything other than my hp doing for me what i could never do alone. I am not alone anymore, I must reach out and I must be honest and I must turn it over to my hp and not take it.
I tell people all the time its not happening too you ....it's happening for you.
All my life I did it on my own. I surrender. I want the freedom, i want the serenity. Whoa I am exhausted.
I spoke about my anger towards God last night and I really never gave it words, I would just keep it in. It's as I am blaming him for everything that is happening at this time in my life. And guess what, wonderful things are about to happen and i am not feeling it. Fourteen years of school and in a few weeks I am done. Where is my life going to go. Why can't i let go and let God do for me what i cannot do for myself. How do i ask him to help me when i am so freakkkky mad at him. Life shouldnt be this hard. I am tired of working this hard. I need a freaky break......and when i have time to do it like now, what do i do. I work on me and my recovery. Which is good but I still feel the same way.
Okay I am going to freak out. I will be back when i am done and I will let you all know what happened. I even scared that God will not accept me being mad at him.
Okay I am back and totally drained. I did let all of my feelings out to God. And it was okay that I was angry with him for taking away my mother, sister, father, older son, over and over again. Bottom line is I am angry and tired that I continue to do everything on my own and i cant do it anymore. I need him to guide me and lead me to do what I need to do and no more fear. The fear has left me, I am at peace knowing that God is taking over and his has my back. I have to strong and not believe in anything other than my hp doing for me what i could never do alone. I am not alone anymore, I must reach out and I must be honest and I must turn it over to my hp and not take it.
I tell people all the time its not happening too you ....it's happening for you.
All my life I did it on my own. I surrender. I want the freedom, i want the serenity. Whoa I am exhausted.
