Post by Loving My Life on May 5, 2013 7:17:53 GMT -8
I am attaching a feelings chart...and try to really identify your feelings...Don't just assume you are bad, we are not bad people, yes we make bad choices, but we are not bad people.
And try to find other feelings instead of just saying....I am fine, or I am ok. This use to drive my counselor crazy, and she would make us sit and look at this chart and find how we were really feeling.
It was a challenge at first, and I thought she was a little crazy, but I have learned as I have moved along on my recovery path, she is a very wise women.
And I have called her and made an amends to her as well...I did not think she knew what she was talking about, well she does. LOL
I still keep in touch with my counselor from time to time, just to let her know, she saved my life as well.
I feel both Optimistic and Withdrawn, optimistic about the future of recovery yet withdrawn as my brain still feels the effect of withdrawals and the overall low that one feels when you take away the highs.
I feel sad and lonely I don't know why as have had a nice day with family, Then I went to the fun fair, did some walking and went to the park, but these were mostly things i did by myself as didn't want to hang out with my friends who have personalities that trigger my addictive behaviours, I didn't want to stay at home as would just be reading or on the internet,wanted to get out, but still not nice when im walking around alone, like a sad ,lonely woman! while everyone else is with their partners/childrn etc.
Post by Loving My Life on May 11, 2013 6:41:05 GMT -8
How are you feeling today?
And share with us the progress you made in your recovery this week?
This is also very helpful to keep a check on where you are daily in your journey to wellness and healthy mind and body.
Please share even if you think it is not worth sharing, we have to open up and be honest with ourselves and others if we are going to make progress.
This is HOW we recover
H=honesty O=open mind W=willingness
This is the how.
As for me this morning:
Physically I am tired
Spiritual I am in touch and praying and meditating on a daily basis
Mentally I am a little off centered, because I still feel a need to change people and I can not so I just let it go, but my brain still wants to take over, so I just sit with it. I don't try to change people. I just let them be.
Emotionally I am calm, and happy.
One day at a time :-) :-). . .We can do together, what we could never do alone. :-) And a problem shared, is a problem cut in half. :-) :-)
Post by Loving My Life on Sept 12, 2013 3:03:48 GMT -8
vivi, It is probably more of a numbing feeling when the pain is too much we numb our feelings. Why do we keep going back to our poa's over and over again? Because this is our doc (drug of choice), and just for a brief moment we think things will be different, and we find out soon enough they are not, we only feel worse. And use this as a growing experience, your body is trying to tell you something, listen to what you are feeling. If you were with someone healthy, it would not make you feel this way. It feels like we are pulling ourselves out of quicksand now, but keep moving forward, you will get stronger each time. I know I felt like I had been brainwashed, when I started to get moments of clarity, I felt like I had been his puppet on a string, and just know this is ok and it is nothing to be ashamed of, at least you are talking about it now, and this is where you will finally be able to recovery from this. It is a long painful journey, but we have to take control of our lives once and for all.
You need to set some boundaries, and you need to tell your poa "not contact you." And this is the hardest part, but I want you to know this. It is a constant battle with our child and our adult, so start becoming aware of who is running the show, your child (emotions), or your adult (logical), once you do this you can keep your child at bay and let your adult handle this. Comfort your inner child and let her know that you will take care of her, and you will not let anyone else hurt her, cry with her, love her.
Becoming aware of who was running the show, turned my whole attitude around.
Are you going to any local 12 step meetings yet? Al-Anon, Coda, LA, or SLAA? or are you involved with a church family? or leaning on your Higher Power?
"We can do together, what we could never do alone."
"And a problem shared is a problem cut in half."
From Susan . . . Loving My Life. Thank you so much for reaching out to help. You are a godsend to this board.
Post by Loving My Life on Sept 13, 2013 3:35:35 GMT -8
Susan, your so sweet. This board has saved my life as well, and I am just passing on my experience, strength, and hope with others on this forum, as well as in my daily life to let them know things will get better. It is a lot of work on a daily basis, and determination, dedication and facing our fears, and just loving ourselves enough to stop letting other people hurt us over and over again.
Progress not perfection, we are a work in progress. And the job is never done until we take our last breathe, we are evolving daily in this thing called life. Live, Laugh, and Love.
I am not cured, never will be, "what I have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition," "Thy will not mine be done."
And because I know I am a love addict and an alcoholic and my brain knows this, I have to stay in the middle of my recovery or else I will fall of the side and I will be right back to the stinking thinking, and I do not want to live in this hell of addiction anymore.
Thanks again Susan, you are a godsend as well, I don't know what or where I would have ended up if I have not found this wonderful forum in July of 2011. It is a scary thought. But I made it out of the quicksand and I am better than ever now.
Susan yourself and everyone on this forum helps me as well, and I appreciate everyone, big hugs!!!!
Post by Loving My Life on Sept 13, 2013 4:13:10 GMT -8
I wanted to check in with how I am feeling today as well, it has been a rough month since my temporary job ended, and I am getting no calls from prospective employers for a new job. So it struck me yesterday maybe this is not what my higher power has in store for me, so I am going to see if I can go back to school and maybe get some kind of degree in Human and Social services, and continue this journey in working with people with addiction issues and working with people in general dealing with life.
So here is how I am feeling today:
Emotionally: I am "blissful"..why because I am going to a Women's Conference tonight, and it is called "Breaking the Chains," and it is a lot of women who come from all walks of life and they are business owners now, and motivational speakers, they had to start from the bottom as well and work through their addiction and family traumas also, they are from all kinds of backgrounds, and they are peaceful, happy and have a full life now. (I am stepping outside my comfort zone on this endeavor)
Spiritually: I am "confident and meditative." I stay in close contact with my Higher Power today, on a daily basis, sometimes hourly, and all day, this is where I get my strength today.
Physically: I am "exhausted"..why due to losing my job and having to start this search all over again for one, and for another fighting this battle within myself, me and my inner child to stick to my plan of action and keep saying NO over and over again to my poa. And asking him to please stop contacting me, and the prize at the end of this is finally peace, but it is exhausting at times. Don't cave to temptations, push on, not matter what.
Mentally: I am "optimistic" about where my life is headed now. I know all I have to do is the footwork, and leave the rest to someone else who knows what is best for me, my Higher Power will open the doors that need to be open. And I am at peace with this today. When I first got into recovery turning my life over to a power greater than myself, sounded so silly to me, I believed in a Higher Power, but I did not let him in to run my life, I thought I knew what was best for me, well as they say, my best thinking is what got me into recovery. LOL
So this is how I am feeling today.
Hang on, and don't give up before the miracle happens.
Post by Loving My Life on Sept 13, 2013 5:00:43 GMT -8
vivi, I am not judging you nor am I telling you what to do, but this is my take on what I am reading here:
You are trying to force a solution to this problem, you are trying to make something work, when you said yourself all this person could give you was a friendship, why are you trying to force this to be something more?
And we betray ourselves sometimes because we stay in denial of what is really going on, because we think the truth and the pain is just too much to bear. I did this also I had myself convinced they my poa was sent from god, since I was sober, boy was I wrong, my poa was not sent from god and he was not my night in shining armour, he was in reality a nightmare. So just be aware of this.
And you have already made up your mind to go and see your poa, so I cant change your mind on this, but I don't think you are going to get the answer you are looking for, don't beg and look desperate to think this man will love and care for you, he will not, he will walk away, it is too much pressure for any one person. We have all these expectations of people, and this is where we get hurt, people will always let us down. And expectations are pre-meditated resentments, and this causes us a lot of anger.
Read about Limerance and Unrequited Love and this will start to open your thoughts on what might be going on in your situation.
Why cant you stay? and Why cant you make it work out? This is your hurting inner child talking. We cant make anyone love us, we have too love ourselves first and foremost, and we have to find out what void within ourselves we are trying to get other people to fill for us.
Why do you think you life is not good without a relationship?