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Post by CodepNomore on May 31, 2013 3:37:02 GMT -8
What is Self Esteem?
Simply put, self esteem is an evaluation of an individual’s worth or how a person judges him/herself. In 1969, Nathaniel Branden, a California based, Canadian psychotherapist said it this way, “Self esteem is the experience of being competent to cope with basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness.” Every human being is worthy of happiness. The way we go about achieving that happiness could set us up for success or failure. It has been my experience as a codependent that happiness cannot be true if someone else determines it for me. This is all linked to self esteem. Self esteem begins to take shape during childhood and is often difficult to change as we grow into adults, especially for codependents. In this post I want to explore how codependents handle self esteem, some pointers for promoting good self esteem in children and recovering codependent adults and see how to track progress. I will also share some personal experience with you relating to my own battle with self esteem. Self Esteem and Codependency Codependents usually have a delicate self esteem paired with a solid fear of being rejected or abandoned. Their “esteem” is derived from another’s perception of them. Codependents often follow an enabling way of life. By solving other’s problems for them, “esteem” is boosted in an irrational and distorted way. If something goes wrong in any situation, a codependent will take responsibility and bear the burden of guilt for others. A codependent may also fear losing themselves in a relationship. Giving up usual and familiar outside activities and/or friendships is usually an indicator that self esteem is being tested. A codependent that frees up all the extra time spent with others to focus on one relationship eventually becomes enveloped. A feeling of being needed trumps everything else. The realization of codependency comes when someone in the relationship no longer desires the company of the other. More often than not it’s not the codependent that makes a change which sends them into a confused, worthless, hopeless state. Their “esteem” has taken a hit. Regardless of how a codependent decides to gain their worth from within, the act of doing so should be nurtured by the surrounding support group. Once this person learns how to invest in a relationship with his/herself, self-esteem begins to take shape. Promoting Healthy Self Esteem The sort of things a newly recovering codependent needs to learn are similar to what a child needs to learn about self esteem. Promoting healthy self esteem begins by finding balance. The goal is to help them feel capable and also loved, encouraged and enjoyed. Here are a few pointers to aid in this promotion: Watch what you say and how you say it. Children tend to take things very literally and your tone of voice is a huge indicator of honesty for them. A recovering codependent will be fragile while building self esteem. Be honest without being harsh. For example, “I see you had a hard time with that but I’m very proud of you for trying anyway. Let’s practice and try again.” Humor may also be helpful to lighten a mood and share your personal experience to let them know you understand. Teach by example. Children tend to mimic what their parents do. If they see you get down on yourself they may end up doing the same without fully understanding what impact it is having on them. Recovering codependents need to see that their role model is not a hypocrite. Trust remains broken if that person is getting mixed signals. Watch for signals that come from outside the home or recovery place that may impact self esteem. We will deal with peer pressure throughout our whole life. Encourage open communication to build that trust relationship while respecting confidentiality. Tracking Progress There are subtle ways to track progess during recovery. Self esteem is built little by little and strengthened through rewarding, fulfilling activities. A newly recovering person may want to stick to themselves and be overly critical when they make a mistake because they are so uncertain of everything. They tend to quickly throw their hands up and walk away. Acknowledge that change is hard. Eventually, after some time and tears, they begin to truly enjoy certain things. They will want to spend time with other people, especially people on their level who understand them. This process will also take a look at strengths and weakness and view them for what they are. Self esteem comes with understanding these strengths and weaknesses without getting upset at yourself. There are a few assessments that can be taken to determine self esteem. One is a self report inventory which is an emotional evaluation of one’s worth. There is also one called Coopersmith inventory which is 50 questions that allow comparison between yourself and a situation presented. The Rosenberg assessment gives situations and asks if you agree or disagree to measure self esteem. You will find links to these throughout the website. Taking It Personal I have used this information to reflect on my first codependent relationship that I had to end. I learned a lot about self esteem during the following events in my life. My high school boyfriend and I dated throughout our junior and senior year and into the first year of college. He chose a school out of town and joined the Penn State Marching Blue Band. I chose a school 6 miles from home and struggled to make friends. I lived to see him every weekend at football games. All of my attention became focused on him. I freaked out when I couldn’t talk to him regularly. So I spend my time calling and emailing between classes and growing angry when he didn’t respond in a timely manner. He was in class focusing on his future. The fact that he didn’t respond right away had nothing to do with that fact that he didn’t want to talk to me. But I took it personally. I became addicted to figuring out how to get his attention all the time. I even thought about transferring to Penn State so I could be closer. I was extremely insecure with myself. I had a hard time paying attention to what was going on around me and I missed out on all the fun college stuff like sorority rushing, meeting new people, attending my own school’s sports events, and figuring out where I could fit in. My “esteem” was not coming from within. Eventually I moved home and commuted so I could have a job and try to stay busy. During Christmas break he confronted me about everything and our relationship changed. That summer we decided it would be best not to see each other. I faced that ultimate fear of rejection. It became my mission to find the next person who could fill that hole inside. There were a few prospects but it just wasn’t the same. That was the same summer I met the most charming mistake I would make yet. I felt on top of the world but was just digging myself into a deeper hole. I totally lost my whole self over the next few years. Once I decided that I was no longer satisfied with the situation, I became ready to find me. An initial evaluation of my situation indicated that I experienced extremely low self esteem. This most likely led me to be attracted to the relationship I found myself in. It has taken just as much time if not more to rebuild that shattered part of me. The void that I felt after these broken relationships could only be filled with ME. If not for a strong support group and will to succeed, I would not have been able to write about this to help someone else out there. So…what is your self esteem like? How do you see yourself? I’m sure there are things you like and don’t like and improvements you wouldn’t mind making. The biggest question to ask yourself is “Where does my worth come from?” I hope the information and personal experience I have shared will be helpful to answer this question. Find that safe place for you within you. www.codependencynomore.com/how-to-improve-self-esteem-for-the-codependent/
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Post by Loving My Life on Jun 1, 2013 10:54:13 GMT -8
I know now that my codependency issues is what kept in involved with my poa for so long, and it only fed into his addictions as well. This is still a struggle for me, but the difference now is I am aware of my codependency and where all of this is coming from, and I can make a healthy choose for myself. The pain of never hearing from my poa again was more painful too me, than the actual emotional hell he put me through. And all of this goes right back to my early childhood with being adopted and being abandoned, I was holding on for dear life.
And there are times this still hurts, not really the pain of him being gone, but just that crushing pain of abandonment, it hurts me to the core of my being. When I really care about people, this is what happens to me. It just opens up all of these wounds, but at least today I know where this pain is coming from. I really don't know if these wounds will ever heal, I just have learned new coping skills to get thru the day. It hurts.
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Post by coratil on Jun 5, 2013 14:29:03 GMT -8
what a great topic and thoughtful presentation of the info of us LAs. would love to stay in touch about it. my own share about self-esteem is very much linked to codep issues. i'm not allowed any self-esteem, because of the codep, i call them "the chain gang", in my life. one of these people, i haven't seen in six years, yet i'm supposed to be at same self-esteem level for her, and the feelings i have about that are frustration and anger. i'm not allowed to talk about IT (the problem) and even today, several years in 12 stps, i am stopped by fellows from sharing about IT. they all go on and talk about their ITs, but i'm not allowed to.  ? then your self-esteem really plummets. what? i can't even get self-esteem via 12 step? i also wasn't allowed to get it via medicine either, as i began taking anti-depressants that actually worked for me, but codeps wouldn't let me, chiding me, abusing me endlessly for their discomfort with "the new you". it's like when a heavy person loses weight, and everyone around them freaks out. i have been waiting for that x-formation, the one the AA BB talkas about, wherein a do steps 1-5 and then all my compulsions are removed. i know that day will come soon because of this fellowship, as i just didn't have IT before in the other 12 steps i did. all of them missed the mark on the real problem, and so the real problem dragged along. i am so grateful, and today, for first time i was able to say that honestly, about the problem i have as love addict. that is big breakthrough for me. before i felt lying to say i was grateful, through bared teeth. what i did in past relationships felt INSANE for me. i hated lying to myself and pretending that all their behav worked for me. always with a mask on. i didn't like it, and couldn't stand up to them. related self-essteem : how could i also sit in room with other women around and my boyfriend? knowing he would be touched by soemthing they did sooner or later, and that i'd look the fool?? i empowered the females in my life, and gave them my power, as i was taught to do. my older siblings had to be better than me. my mom had to be better than me. if they weren't i'd be in trouble. usually, abused. i put myself into stringent 12 step for codep, do it now f2f several times a week, and worked a 12 step for what i thought was Love addiction, but turns out, wasn't dealing with it directly. at all. and of course, 99.9% therapists didn't want to see you get well either. that took me awhile to figure out, and grieve through. my finances are a shambles. i am drowning in sea of legal cases against me. can't work as result of them, expcetp own business. all this realted to sex and love addiciton. but i know my love addict is the worst. i can't just "stop" as HP hasn't shown me what is healthy for me. and what is good for me, is not always good for you, i'm sure you know. so, i'll keep coming back to these board meetings.
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Post by michaelaustralia on Jun 10, 2013 1:02:27 GMT -8
coratil, I felt like that recently and nearly took my own life. I make it clear it is not that person's fault but I felt the HP just did not listen to me.
That was 2 weeks ago and I am alive. The HP showed me something last night. I got directed to YouTube. I saw a video where it finally after 40 years clicked. Yes I cried for weeks (males don't do that but whatever) and I started to feel shame for the past relationships.
But -------- I feel what you are going through but believe me the answer does come when you least expect it. No I too have not just stopped, but I have taken steps to slowly come to terms with what happened again.
I think you are involved in a lot of things at the moment so get as much help and support, know the untangling takes a while, be good to yourself (yes I know easier said than done) but above all know many on this board have been there.
HP does show the way, but it will click when you are ready.
Love and peace to you, may these heal and all those issues be resolved very soon.
Michael
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Post by carito1988 on Aug 18, 2013 18:22:12 GMT -8
Great topic. This forum has helped me a lot. I can say that all your experiences has helped me a lot. Now, how I see self-steem in a addict like me. Well, I see that I can built my self-steem if I make actions everyday for this cause. This job (built my self-steem) is not only just for one day, it is my daily job every day, If I stop this my steem will drop again.
It is day by day.
Caro
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wildrose
New Member
What to do, what to do.
Posts: 19
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Post by wildrose on Aug 25, 2013 23:55:03 GMT -8
I appreciated your story about you and your high school boyfriend. What gets me about this addiction is that I fall in love with people and then I am unable to truly care about them or what is good for them, I am just obsessed with getting them to do the things I need them to do so I will feel loved - like, constant attention and reassurance. This is SOOOOOOOOOO not love. I wonder sometimes if I have ever really been in love, as in truly caring about someone else. I have acted the part, but when push comes to shove, I am angry, obsessed and manipulative and focused on getting them to be the way I want to be. How sad!
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Post by carito1988 on Aug 26, 2013 14:13:07 GMT -8
Hi wildrose, I totally understand you. For me has happened the same thing. This is definitely our terrible ego which I believe is the heart of our illness (addiction). It is awful.
Caro.
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wildrose
New Member
What to do, what to do.
Posts: 19
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Post by wildrose on Aug 27, 2013 10:38:16 GMT -8
Yeah, when I first went to CODA I thought my problem was that I was "too nice." Ha! I found out that it was all about control! What a shock that was, and what a revelation! Another step toward freedom.
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wildrose
New Member
What to do, what to do.
Posts: 19
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Post by wildrose on Aug 27, 2013 10:41:25 GMT -8
Here is a website that I just love - It's about Self Compassion. I have found it so useful - learning to love myself is really about having compassion for me. Self Esteem goes up and down in life, and learning to open my heart to myself no matter what else is going on - that has been so super helpful! And of course, the more love and compassion I offer myself, the more I have to give to those around me. www.self-compassion.org/
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Post by carito1988 on Aug 27, 2013 18:03:34 GMT -8
Thank you!! 
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 13, 2014 1:30:39 GMT -8
I was thinking about self esteem . As it comes from childhood I was very independent , I was second girl in the family( tho unwanted), if we're a boy would be different? Lol my relationships with man starting with my dad. It was not loving relationship. And later mostly all man in my life hurted me: abandonment from Dad, abuse, stepdad very difficult character man : emotional abuser. I remember thinking that my Prince Charming sort my all problems out. . Today I see myself as unhappy, struggling woman . I don't know how to rebuilt or built self worth. Am not in therapy and it will take ages to get to be seen. The last 3 relationship was with man that I started thinning what am I doing with them? I worth more... What is my worth tho ..I can say am independent, I do all on my own for 10 years, or even more. I am dad mum, working parent.
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 14, 2014 2:37:23 GMT -8
I was thinking about self esteem . I don't know how to rebuilt or built self worth. What is my worth tho ..I can say am independent, I do all on my own for 10 years, or even more. I am dad mum, working parent. That is good that you are independent. Please tell me...Do you know who you are in the eyes of God? Do you know your purpose in life?
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 17, 2014 6:54:34 GMT -8
Thank you for replay! To be honest I think God given my pain and withdrawal that I understood . The doubt I have in myself when in relationships , that I cannot manage on my own. So he tries. To teach me independence, self trust and opening my eyes to reality. I am to shy to take credit. As I used off self guilt I won't feel confident if I get compliments, I don't hear it. But I do all by myself also I encourage kids dad to see his kids. Today he go to Christmas play to watch over daughter , so I will do all I can for them to feel to believe they are loved by both off us. Even he can be toxic but they need us both. What is God s plan for me I have no idea. I can't to listen to Joyce Meyer but I appreciate all your comments . You make me go through the pain a bit easier, I always jump on the answer. .. I absolutely adore kids.. Tho sometimes I get mad at them, they true and innocent souls. Somehow am not enjoying my work no more. I applied for same position , different employer. .. I need smith more .. I just feel in such a stress, rush rush a dental nurse. And I am good at my work but I missing smth. I just find it hard to relax. Manage all. God please show me my path. And give me health. Please.. I wish you all same to find health as all( inside inner, and emotiony, physically). Amen.x
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 21, 2014 5:48:59 GMT -8
Started reading robin Norwood and this time making notes!! Usually I just skip through the pages read very fast.. I ve noticed some coincidences between my relationships. And my gun : sex to keep guys interested attracted. It's the attention I wanted no matter that 3 off my poa s was not even that much attractive.. Plus with few red tags. Each one off them. I ll share my findings about me. And it is just not time to move on.. I want to but past drawing me back.. 2 emotionally unavailable parents. Emotionally diss attached stepdad: rude, disrespectful , people pleaser , money waster, had been in prison. Womaniser. Me. 2 child in family, not wanted, not planed, had to be a boy. Jealous off any attention my older sister would get. Got even worse when I had to be her twin. Wear her Clothers. Depressed in childhood . Teenager , tho studying and working later. Choosing bf who needs me to feel in control ( jealousy acts) , suicidale ( save me, proof you not gonna leave me ) .. Good man not intersting not even remember meeting them.. Need action, passion, emotions ( like a drug , adrenalin). Eating disorder ( compulsive eating , drinking to get away from problems , sleeping away - never in relationships) . When relationships goes down the hill incl. friendships blaming myself. , but also not wanting to take responsibilities for myself , thinking about behaviour choices . Making sure they comfortable anything that helps them to feel loved no matter the price.. Then miserable because misunderstood and not sure what love for me means. How and why am not happy . Scared off changes. Think off myself as fallen woman . And not worth off love and who will want that. Also scared to show my weakness but different at home , with kids. Angry, miserable unhappy. Just make sure ppl get picture off me as independent strong nice person.
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 21, 2014 5:53:52 GMT -8
Feel panicky to involve myself with people socialise.. Living in my created fantasies. And now my plan is to get better.no plans of career future involved. Constantly overrating ( sweets, food that doesn't go together don't feel satisfaction ). Don't know off my feelings not sure what is good what is wrong. Choosing career as my mum( nurse) even never planed or was attracted to it. Did not wanted be like her but cloyed her behaviour in my life.
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 21, 2014 5:55:37 GMT -8
I go thought all this because I cannot let go off the past not sure if I ever will..
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 21, 2014 10:55:06 GMT -8
I go thought all this because I cannot let go off the past not sure if I ever will.. I am sure you can if you want to, by shifting your focus from the past to what you want to achieve in the present. Keep rejecting/ejecting thoughts you don't want and replacing them with good, positive thoughts.
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Post by carito1988 on Dec 21, 2014 16:24:57 GMT -8
Hi everyone, it has been a while since the last time I posted here. But during all this time I have been working on myself hardly. I can relate slef esteem as the way I think every day of myself. Since six months ago, I had been traying to fight against my disease by not trying to contact again my POA but it was a fight so hard that I was tired of doing it, I remember that I prayed everyday to my HP to give me a key so I can finally feel some freedom of this obsession, until one day, four or three month ago, a good friend of mine gave me a book. This book has open my eyes so much, that I can say that this was the key that God gave me on that time. In this book I learned about the huge power I have on myself thanks to God to change my life by letting me think in another way. So since that day, everyday, almost 12 times a day or even more, I started to think: I am good and valuable woman I dont need garbage (poa) in my life, I deserve much better things and person in my life, until I finally believed it, and since that day, my obsession was over.
Carito.
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Post by ~w~ on Dec 22, 2014 16:31:18 GMT -8
Congradulations Carito. So what are your goals for future? and is there any plans for Christmas ?
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 5, 2015 17:00:28 GMT -8
I remember that I prayed everyday to my HP to give me a key so I can finally feel some freedom of this obsession, until one day, four or three month ago, a good friend of mine gave me a book. This book has open my eyes so much, that I can say that this was the key that God gave me on that time. In this book I learned about the huge power I have on myself thanks to God to change my life by letting me think in another way. So since that day, everyday, almost 12 times a day or even more, I started to think: I am good and valuable woman I dont need garbage (poa) in my life, I deserve much better things and person in my life, until I finally believed it, and since that day, my obsession was over. Carito. Wow, carito1988, that is amazing. So happy for you and proud of you. We can always count on our trustworthy HP. Thanks for sharing your good news and keep us posted...We care about you and would like to hear more from you.
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Post by loveellen on Jan 10, 2015 19:59:45 GMT -8
Hi everyone, it has been a while since the last time I posted here. But during all this time I have been working on myself hardly. I can relate slef esteem as the way I think every day of myself. Since six months ago, I had been traying to fight against my disease by not trying to contact again my POA but it was a fight so hard that I was tired of doing it, I remember that I prayed everyday to my HP to give me a key so I can finally feel some freedom of this obsession, until one day, four or three month ago, a good friend of mine gave me a book. This book has open my eyes so much, that I can say that this was the key that God gave me on that time. In this book I learned about the huge power I have on myself thanks to God to change my life by letting me think in another way. So since that day, everyday, almost 12 times a day or even more, I started to think: I am good and valuable woman I dont need garbage (poa) in my life, I deserve much better things and person in my life, until I finally believed it, and since that day, my obsession was over. Carito. Carito, can you know the name of the book? thank you a lot!!!
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Post by fufill on Apr 29, 2015 17:15:25 GMT -8
I don't like it at all the idea of depending on my husband emotionally. And feeling empty without having him making me feeling wanted, happy etc. I know that is not healthy. But I am learning to live with the emptiness, unhappy etc Like it is something I need too. I read that from one number's blog here. Which I though was a revelation but is truly simple advice until one start putting that into practice. But I am going to keep going at it and Feel it and not do anything to cover it up. Thank you June
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rayne
New Member
Posts: 32
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Post by rayne on Nov 16, 2019 20:09:02 GMT -8
I know now that my codependency issues is what kept in involved with my poa for so long, and it only fed into his addictions as well. This is still a struggle for me, but the difference now is I am aware of my codependency and where all of this is coming from, and I can make a healthy choose for myself. The pain of never hearing from my poa again was more painful too me, than the actual emotional hell he put me through. And all of this goes right back to my early childhood with being adopted and being abandoned, I was holding on for dear life. And there are times this still hurts, not really the pain of him being gone, but just that crushing pain of abandonment, it hurts me to the core of my being. When I really care about people, this is what happens to me. It just opens up all of these wounds, but at least today I know where this pain is coming from. I really don't know if these wounds will ever heal, I just have learned new coping skills to get thru the day. It hurts.
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