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Post by Kernels on Jun 9, 2013 10:59:26 GMT -8
To make a long story short I have been in and out of a relationship with my POA for just over three years. Within a couple months of us getting together I have tried to break things off with her no less than three dozen times yet somehow she keeps taking me back. I even moved her a thousand miles away thinking that geographical changes would fix us....nope There is NO doubt in my mind that I am a love addict and I am currently on day 14 of NC and can honestly say this has been the hardest two weeks of my entire life. Initially I felt suicidal, complete despair, crying constantly, feeling like every cell in my body wanted to talk to her. Somehow and with the help of my higher power I have only reached our to her once and she ignored my text. So here's the question.....When I break things off with her she doesnt try to contact me and has told me that she doesnt obsess about me but feels depressed. However she does have many of the symptoms of love addiction when we are together. She is very co-dependent and passive aggressive traits, constantly smothering me and like I said takes me back after I beg and or come around her.
As for this addiction I can honestly say without a doubt this makes getting off of narcotics a walk in the park. Even today on day 14 I am still depressed, constantly obsessing about her, feeling anxiety and just want to work things out. However I have been attending SLAA meetings, seeing a therapist that specializes in this area, feel in my heart that there really is no way of saving this relationship and want desperately to stop victimizing her which is why I have refrained from trying to contact her or spy on her. In fairness I am in much better shape than I was 7 days ago when she moved all her stuff out but its so hard.
Lastly, this forum has been a tremendous source of help. I come on here many times during the day just to read other LA stories and get some inspiration on trying to get through this. Thanks!
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Post by Kernels on Jun 10, 2013 5:41:50 GMT -8
UGH I relapsed on my POA. Woke up in the middle of the night with extreme anxiety and this overwhelming feeling she was with another man. So what do I do, text her a few times then follow up with a long email. Oh but since she doesnt respond I borrow a phone from someone and start texting her this morning. Finally she responded and I think she is going to meet me for lunch today. I feel so completely out of control and cant believe what depths I will go to contact her. UGH UGH UGH
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jun 11, 2013 16:37:49 GMT -8
Yup, I remember the feeling well. Amazing how much it sucks, and how on this forum when people talk about it it always has the same flavour- out of control behaviour. Addiction. My PoA was a drug addict, and I watched him go back and go back to drugs with the same predictability, while I just couldn't imagine my life without him. It seemed that there was nothing about me that was good in itself without him...he had brought all the cool things I loved into my life. Now I know that its not true.
It's like that parable from the bible that someone else here may know better than I- the one where they are climbing or descending the hill and are told not to look behind them or they will turn to stone. What I mean by that is when you are looking towards your PoA for your happiness, you are totally stuffed. Ok, it's not the perfect parable for that situation, but I hope you get what i mean- while you look to her for your life's meaning, you will suffer.
In the same way that desperation is unattractive (except possibly to a love addict), commitment to the self and self love is attractive. But you cannot love yourself to get another's love. Luckily for us there are no short-cuts to learning to love ourselves.
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Post by Kernels on Jun 12, 2013 10:09:33 GMT -8
Thanks Jacarandagirl and I know you're right but my addiction loves to play tricks with me. Anyways my POA calls me yesterday afternoon and ends up on the phone crying telling me how much her dignity is gone because she's talking to me once again after all the xxxx I have put her through. You see I'm miserable with her and even more miserable without her so after thinking about it for an hour or so I sent her the text saying I couldnt bare to hurt her anymore and goodbye forever. Havent heard back from her since so I know that was really the right thing to do but d**n this hurts. I do have moments of clarity where I feel a sense of freedom, calm and serenity but have noticed that the waves of missing her are very intense on the other side. I figure its my addiction really giving me its all to get me to contact her. Like there's any sense in that, only to feel like stuff and have no dignity or self esteem.
Hands down this addiction is without a doubt much much harder to beat than my narcotic addiction. Go figure?
From the Administrator: To stay on this particular forum you must have initiated no contact. If you are still talking to your POA please go to the forum for people not yet in recovery. We are here to help you with your recovery not to hear about your addiction. I hope you can accept this "tough love." I am not trying to be unsympathetic, but this is a recovery board. How do you see your recovery unfolding. Are you going to move on?.
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Post by Kernels on Jun 13, 2013 7:39:23 GMT -8
Requin,
Thanks for your response and yes I know that every time I reach out to her I am only victimizing her again. I pray to my HP for the strength and support not to reach out again because like you said every time I do all Im doing is hurting her more. As for her YES YES YES she is the nicest person I have ever meet in my life. Not a mean bone in her body and is so caring. Which only makes me feel worse for all terrible things I have done to her. You have no idea how much guilt and shame I feel about the way Ive treated her. And there lies the irony, if I truly do love her and if truly do wish to make amends I will leave her alone.
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