Resentments and guilt and shame and sorrow

wildrose
New Member

What to do, what to do.

Posts: 19

Resentments and guilt and shame and sorrow Sept 9, 2013 21:24:53 GMT -8

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Post by wildrose on Sept 9, 2013 21:24:53 GMT -8

Here's what I found in the Recovery Workbook about the Ambivalent Love Addict - it fits me exactly:

"They can love, commit, obsess and even become addicted; however, this will go hand in hand with avoidance tactics, like a difficulty with affection and opening up emotionally. They are there, and they are not there. They come close and then move away. .......They just cannot open up to a deeper level of emotional intimacy, and yet they are unable to let go of the relationship."

This is fascinating, but what changes this? How will I change this? I have been this way since the 8th grade, when I first had a boyfriend I really cared about. Coming in close, picking a fight, just waking up one day and not wanting to be there, when I felt close the night before. Not ever knowing why, not ever able to explain it to the men I have done this too. Not ever knowing myself why why why I am this way.

So where is the hope? What and how will this change? I am over 60 years old, have had tons of therapy, been to couples counseling with a number of partners, did the program of CODA including doing the steps with a sponsor. What is ever going to change this incredible deep seated terror I have of emotional intimacy? Right now I am focusing on building my self esteem and learning to take care of myself financially and emotionally, Working on my self confidence. I fear ever getting into another relationship because I can't promise anyone I can be there without wanting to shut down - it makes me feel crazy. It is painful and confusing to the men I get involved with. I really want to someday be in a healthy relationship, but it's hard for me to imagine that ever.

Maybe it has to do with being able to communicate when it is happening to someone willing to listen. Not sure. Any ideas?

From Susan . . . Welcome. Keep reading. The answers are all here. People will get back to you soon.

Last Edit: Sept 11, 2013 12:39:48 GMT -8 by Susan Peabody

Loving My Life
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Senior Member

I am a beautiful child of God . . ."My Inner Child."

Posts: 4,139

Resentments and guilt and shame and sorrow Sept 10, 2013 6:06:20 GMT -8 wildrose likes this

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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 10, 2013 6:06:20 GMT -8

wildrose, we change and our thinking changes also. I am not sure how long it has been since you worked the steps in the coda program, but maybe you could do a mini 4th step on what keeps coming up now. We have to forgive ourselves and let the shame and guilt go. We are humans and we do make mistakes this is normal. We can not keep beating ourselves up over our past, we learn and we grow. If you will get back involved in your coda meetings and start leaning on your higher power you will begin to feel some relief.

We have to stop saying WE CANT and start saying WE CAN AND WE WILL make our life better. We change our thinking, we learn to give ourselves the love that we were looking for someone else to give us, we do daily affirmations, we stand in front of a mirror and we look at ourselves and we tell ourselves how much we love ourselves, and we comfort our inner child and let her know we will not let anyone else hurt us. Change is hard and if we are use to life being hard all the time this is what we expect, and we get addictions to the pain, and the chaos and drama of all of this as well.

And yes we have to be willing to listen and willing to change in order for our situation to improve.

Get involved with some women activities and see if you can enjoy being around healthy women for a while, I have done this and it has helped me so much. We empower each other.

Don't even worry about another relationship right now, this is your time to work on your recovery, and to heal all the wounds from within yourself, start writing and see where all of this pain is coming from. Keep a journal. And start going to your local coda group again, you need them now. Just be willing to listen, sometimes that is all we have to do at first is just listen.

First things first, One day at a time.

Keep coming back

Last Edit: Sept 10, 2013 6:07:08 GMT -8 by Loving My Life

One day at a time :-) :-). . .We can do together, what we could never do alone. :-) And a problem shared, is a problem cut in half. :-) :-)

wildrose
New Member

What to do, what to do.

Posts: 19

Resentments and guilt and shame and sorrow Sept 17, 2013 19:35:58 GMT -8 RoseNadler likes this

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Post by wildrose on Sept 17, 2013 19:35:58 GMT -8

Thank you both for these insights. I am working on my own self esteem, and also my basic sense of self-worth. I am using the Buddhist phrase "I have basic goodness." That seems to be helping to reinforce a better sense of self-worth. I do need to forgive me, yes. So I will keep moving toward that.

Yes, I always picked the dysfunctional ones - even when I didn't mean to. I quit being involved with actively using addicts and alcoholics, moved on to recovering folks and in my last two relationships, I picked men with poor self -esteem. I plan to pick an emotionally healthy person some day, and am gathering information about what that might look like. I am on a one-year, no dating, no fantasizing, no depending on love & romance to fill me up. I am beginning to feel more and more competent in many aspects of my life. This is good! I am also beginning to feel better and better on depending on me to meet my own needs. I like where this is going.

Thanks again for your suggestions and your help. Thanks for being there.

Wildrose