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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 12, 2013 11:49:48 GMT -8
I don't have children either, but I will say this I don't think it is inappropriate for him to take his daughter's calls, unless you are in the heat of the moment. If his daughter has had problems in the past and runaway and stuff like this of course he is concerned, he is a dad. Teenagers do this, they call and check in with their parents.
And Requin I believe you hit the nail on the head with your inner child running the show, and you need to really sit down and see what else is going on and try to work this out, because I don't believe you will change his parenting habits, this could be a sore spot for him, I know if I have kids and someone was telling me what too do, I would not take it too good. So just be careful.
A father and his daughter or sons relationship is totally different than a man and his girlfriend, and we just have to accept this, we might not like feeling like we might be in second place, but this is where you have to change the thinking.
So what are you most fearful of right now? And how can you sit down and talk about this with this man in a adult way, so he does not feel like you are trying to make him make a choice?
When we go into the relationship with men who have been married and divorced we have to deal with the x wives and the children and everything that goes with it, his past just does not cease to exist once we come in the picture. We have to really ask ourselves are we okay with this or not? If we are both on the same page and we talk to each other then we can work these issue out.
I wish you luck, I hope this helped some. Just my opinion.
PS: And just say your are his girlfriend and this is his daughter. Not second place.
Also keep a check on your expectations of others, people will always let us down. Lower your expectations some and loosen up a little and see how this works out.
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 12, 2013 13:16:54 GMT -8
Well you sound like your happy with this guy, and he sounds decent, so just slow down and breathe. And when you feel up to it maybe just give him a call and break the ice so to speak. I hope you feel better with your vestibular disorder. I know that can not to pleasant.
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 13, 2013 12:02:16 GMT -8
I think what you did was good, but in my opinion, we have to reparent our inner child, don't include him in every situation, because your right if you two go your separate was, you are still going to be the hurt little child. I know for myself, I have huge rejection and abandonment fears and I know where they are coming from, so I calm my inner child with whatever situation I am dealing with, and soon enough my head is clear enough to make the best decision for my adult self. The panic and the fears you are feeling is your little kid, and just try to keep her calm, and don't overthink things, and just go with the flow and be present in the moment.
But this is a start in this process.
Others will also chime in on this too.
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Post by Loveanimals on Sept 13, 2013 22:20:34 GMT -8
Hi requin,
It sounds like he has a special father/daughter relationship, and I would not be fearful of that. Think of it as a positive! A man who doesn't have much of a relationship with his children is a red flag to me.
It's not like she's another woman. I think it's OK for a person to have a strong relationship with their child (of course I have a child and I'm biased!). It doesn't mean that he will abandon you. I would just keep thinking positively and remember your thoughts become reality......if we fear abandonment, then subconsciously we end up pushing the person away to become abandoned.
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Post by Havefaith on Sept 14, 2013 6:45:31 GMT -8
"Is soothing your inner child w/ the man in your life, a good idea, or is it supposed to be only the adult us who soothes our inner child?"
requin, one of the best books I've read in terms of helping me work with my wounded inner child/adolescent is David Richo's "How to be An Adult: A Handbook for Psychological and Spiritual Integration." For me, this is truly a fantastic handbook on how to transition into adulthood, because I did not get what I needed as a child/adolescent from the adults in my life (and my behavior was more reflective of an anguished, obsessed teen). I cannot recommend this little handbook strongly enough! Here is a quote from the book that was instrumental in showing me how I need(ed) to change the way I view the adults in my life:
"It is always appropriate to ask for love, but to ask any other adult to meet our primal needs is unfair and unrealistic. Most of us emerge from childhood with conscious and unconscious psychic wounds and emotional unfinished business....the untreated traumas of childhood become the frustrating dramas of adulthood. Our fantasy of the 'perfect 'partner' or our disappointments in a relationship...or the dramas that keep arising in our relationships reveal our unique unmet primal wounds and needs. We try so hard to get from others what once we missed. What was missed can never be made up for, only mourned and let go of. Only then are we able to relate as ADULTS TO ADULTS....Healthy adults are not attracted to the negative excitement of relationships in which people are attempting to use them to work out their own unaddressed childhood conundrum....this attempt simply recreates the childhood drama anyway. Only personal inner responsibility and grief-work lets the final curtain fall."
My healthy partner (my husband) understands that I had a raw, chaotic upbringing. But he won't allow me to pull him into a role of 'you need to fix me' with my particular brand of negative excitement/drama. (When he would not play the role, I sought out POA's to do it. They were generally as sick as I was, feeding each other's toxic love addiction.) He totally supports my need for healing, but I understand now that it is not his responsibility to play therapist. He knows I go regularly to a psychiatrist for psychodynamic therapy (best decision I ever made for my emotional healing and ongoing recovery from love addiction) and he applauds my decision to get the help I need to become an emotionally healthy and strong adult. I appreciate his support; he is delighted (for both of us!) that I made the 'adult' decision to get the proper help I needed...
HaveFaith
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 14, 2013 12:52:31 GMT -8
This is a great book. David was my teacher when I attended classes at UC Berkeley Extension. He was the first to point out that love addicts often end up with narcissists. I quote him in my book. How to be an adult . . . Accept life on life's terms: 1. Life changes 2. You are alone 3. Life is unfair 4. Life includes suffering.
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Post by safiya on Aug 27, 2015 8:39:15 GMT -8
I have just ordered this book .. also 'how to be an adult' .. I will report back after I have started reading them...
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Post by safiya on Aug 27, 2015 8:39:51 GMT -8
I have just ordered this book .. also 'how to be an adult' .. I will report back after I have started reading them...
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