Post by chrysalis on Oct 6, 2013 8:46:14 GMT -8
I have been feeling really down these past couple of days. I have been experiencing quite a bit of memories from the past that just came up. I do not feel longing towards my POA whom I have not had contact in what now is coming to close to a year. After months of no contact, now that same sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach has materialised. That urge to just log in once in that chat site where we first met. I know that this is the addiction talking, so to replace it I run. I have been running everyday. From the running , I feel that I have a new emotion to deal with and that is anger. All this anger that bubbling and spewing out(sometimes on my mum which I totally regret)I feel all this anger and the worst part is that I do not know why. I had a therapist but some or rather we did not click. So now am back to my books reading, doing my meditations and affirmations. I have pretty much isolated myself, only going to work and retiring at home with my nose buried in the books or out running.
These highs and lows of emotions are really something new for me to handle. I guess I am facing them now? When in the past, I would put on this veneer of being totally in control of myself when I was dying inside from the inner critic and that crazy obsession to have somebody anybody to love me. Now I am facing myself?
There is this cycle of anger and depression. Recently, I just feel like sleeping, taking an anti depressant and just sleeping as a means to escape this feeling of sadness. But I do not want to. I want to face my emotion and feel it to its core. I do not want to run away from it. I do not even want to talk to friends about this as I feel that this might create another dependence. On one hand, I want to socialize again not for finding another romantic interest but to just have some other kind of network, on the other hand I just want to be with myself to understand myself. Then i find myself caught in a stalemate and that is when the memories emerge. Then that ignites the anger and so the cycle continues.
I am not sure how much sense I am making here. I just want to forget my POA for good, I believe have made my peace with it, with him and our time together. I just want to forget him and all of it. I dont want to hurt myself anymore with these memories. What use are they? None of those times were ever real, just a fantasy and would always be a mirage. I want to live in the present and to be grateful for all that I have. I want to start living. I want to smile, laugh right from my heart, my soul and just be happy. When would these black clouds leave for good?
These highs and lows of emotions are really something new for me to handle. I guess I am facing them now? When in the past, I would put on this veneer of being totally in control of myself when I was dying inside from the inner critic and that crazy obsession to have somebody anybody to love me. Now I am facing myself?
There is this cycle of anger and depression. Recently, I just feel like sleeping, taking an anti depressant and just sleeping as a means to escape this feeling of sadness. But I do not want to. I want to face my emotion and feel it to its core. I do not want to run away from it. I do not even want to talk to friends about this as I feel that this might create another dependence. On one hand, I want to socialize again not for finding another romantic interest but to just have some other kind of network, on the other hand I just want to be with myself to understand myself. Then i find myself caught in a stalemate and that is when the memories emerge. Then that ignites the anger and so the cycle continues.
I am not sure how much sense I am making here. I just want to forget my POA for good, I believe have made my peace with it, with him and our time together. I just want to forget him and all of it. I dont want to hurt myself anymore with these memories. What use are they? None of those times were ever real, just a fantasy and would always be a mirage. I want to live in the present and to be grateful for all that I have. I want to start living. I want to smile, laugh right from my heart, my soul and just be happy. When would these black clouds leave for good?