Post by Rainbows Always on Jan 9, 2008 21:00:59 GMT -8
LOW SELF ESTEEM!! Inability to esteem oneself!! Where to start.....
As you can tell from this board I post A LOT, however I find I havent been able to post on this self esteem forum. I click on, go to post and then have nothing to say. I like it the least!!
I guess that means I have some growth there to do. Recovery isnt about being comfortable and Im not comfortable talking about self esteem at all (or my lack of it)!!
So now I will attempt to find out why and explore in writing (as I implore ALL of you to do, it's a great way to self exploration).
Let's see what comes up......
Ive always had TERRIBLY low self esteem. LOW LOW LOW. (I will not divulge here in length as to why I do, Im sure we all know where it comes from...childhood traumas) etc, not fitting in with family and or peers. Feeling unloved, different, unaccepted, less than, unworthy.You know the drill.
I was successful (on the outside) at school, in nursing and went on to have a 20 yr successful professional working life. Up to this point I wasnt displaying any overt addictive behaviour. I liked sugar but wasnt not eating compulsively at this time.
However now in saying that, when I look back I was a love addict from age 15 with my first boyfriend.(i have a seperate post on this somewhere). I lept into his arms because we cared about one another and I used his love to "top me up" to escape the pain I felt in my family. I felt that my mum did not like me let alone LOVE ME!! I got love from him. I was insatiable!!
As ive heard Susan Peabody call it... The Hungry Heart grew from there.
So the first boy who loved me......... there I was. Full on. Full blown love addict with no idea......... you know the story. At this time I was also bullied at school by the "in crowd", a group of b*tches who one day "let" me into their pathetic little group and one day thrust me aside. This was agonizing for me at High school. The teasing. I felt so isolated. I didn't fit in. At lunch time I remember going to the library and hiding in the shelves because I had no friends. It DID NOT occur to me at this age to stick up for myself!! I found out when I was 33 that I am "sensitive person". So no wonder my high school years are too painful to recount.
Lightbulb moment..probably the reason behind my reluctance to post on this S/E forum, the origins are too painful to explore. Deep breath!!
I used to pray that we would move house, or that I'd get run over by a car and die, or better still that they would get run over by a car and die!! I cried myself to sleep all the time, and I wanted to run away. I wished I had the guts to run away from home.
I never felt truly loved or accepted and when my authentic self would show up in little ways, my family would laugh at me and tease me, so I NEVER develped a sense of feeling "OK" and certainly did not develop a sense of SELF. I never learnt that I was good, kind, lovable,worthy of any kind of love or even likable.
(I have to add though, that my mum DOES love me. I know this. So does my Dad. I was NEVER beaten or sexually or physically abused. They were good parents but were emotionally unavailable and did the best they could at the time, with the "tools" they were given to them in their "toolbox". I know this ......... but to recover from our childhood "traumas" we have to recognize it as "abuse" in order to heal. I have always felt guilty and still do have huge difficulty in saying that I suffered some abuse from them ( i tend to minimalize it). I have also realized that MY PERCEPTIONS as a very sensitive emotional child could have been over dramatized or more intense than it necessiatted!! However whatever happened and how ever I FELT at the time still led me to believe i was unloved. When in actual fact I recognize that this is not the shared reality of my parents)
When I voiced my fears or anxieties they were brushed aside (so I never learnt to validate or recognize my own feelings of pain or suffering. This is a core sympom of co-dependence. Still didnt until I got into 12 steps)
I especially DID NOT learn from my family that even the quirky parts of me, the sensitive parts of me were OK, like being scared of a Hurricane coming, or needing to go to bed early on a school night!! These are still the standing family joke!! Remember when shaz was scared of the hurricaine.......haha!! ( the town was on a Red Alert I might add!!)
It's not until I got into recovery 2 yrs ago that I realize these are not the thoughts of a healthy teenage girl with high self esteem.
All of my life from 15-38 I have been in love addicted, co-dependent r'ships. Very toxic ones. Since getting into 12 step recovery I have realized that people with high self esteem dont put up with all this B/S and all the toxicity.
I did because he loved me! Finally I felt loved!! We argued no doubt (all my r'ships were toxic low/high intensity, great one minute, stuff the next!!) Having LOW S/E meant that I never knew I was worthy of MORE. Never knew this was toxic. Hadn't had a positive r'ship role modelled for me. Did not have a clue. And of course never in a million years did I think it was unhealthy (yeah bad luck perhaps!@!@!) And never did I think I had the option of something better for myself!!
And all this because I grew up with LOW SELF ESTEEM!!
Having LOW S/E , how would we know any different?
In my early 20's I was a very successful nurse, travelled the world but in social situations felt so unworthy and SSSOO self conscious that I drank to be comfortable. We used to party a lot, my 3 friends were extroverts, they got drunk because they liked too. I liked too aswell but it was mainly so that I could get some courage to even dance or socalize. Suprised to say I was very funny and made everyone laugh. I had a ball, I was happy IF I was fairly tanked up!! If not I was PAINFULLY shy! This drinking/partying went on for about 8 yrs.
Later on when I got married and moved to a mining town I stopped going out with friends so the drinking stopped, the need to drink had stopped!! Instead the eating started!! I ate sugar to quell the miserableness of my life and yet again another toxic, co-dependent, love addicted relationship. The self absorbed man, who I might add, I ended up marrying!! (and now divorced)
Im still shy now, at age 38 and because I cant/dont eat sugar it means I cant/dont drink sugar in drinks ie alcohol. I am learning to socialize again without a drink. It's hard and uncomfortable!! (thats another post). 2 yrs of 12 step recovery has helped.
And so I grew up co-dependent, (I will post on this seperately too!). It all stems from lack of the ability to esteem oneself!!
I used to think I was "Ok. Yeah I'm OK". I did a bit of counselling, esp after my divorce. I read a few books on low self esteem, went to a weekend course on "co-dependence" 6 yrs ago, but obviously didnt really understand it, got involved in various spiritual practices, did A LOT of self dev and growth and spiritual work had affirmations all over the house!!
None of that really worked for me. I went to clairvyants, energy healers, did inner child, older child, marriage therapy, you name it I did it. (the only thing I didnt do was hypnosis). Even walked over burning hot coals!! All that stuff, I did it.
But nothing worked. I was still plagued by my low self esteem, it oozed into every crevice of my life, inability to be confident at work, I stepped down from responsible positions, socially isolated myself, inability to parent as I want, stuff love r'ships, EVERYTHING in my life was UNMANAGEABLE all because of my low self esteem and it's acompanying addictions.
......... LOVE addiction and FOOD addiction, (and generalized obsessive thinking about anything which leads to chronic anxiety) and the constant inability to esteem oneself which for me has manifested in chronic depression.
At the very bottom of this DISEASE is the root cause .....Co-dependence and it's resulting low self esteem. Or perhaps low S/E causes co-dep. Not sure. Not that it matters anymore.
I just know that I have 2 HUGE things to work on
1) INCREASING my SELF ESTEEM
and
2)Working on my co-dependence.
Now how do we increase our self esteem?? The answer you have all been waiting for.........
For me the success I feel has been beacuse I have worked the 12 step programme. Nothing more nothing less!
Nothing else has worked for me EXCEPT the 12 steps. I am not a paid endorser of the 12 steps, I am not contacted by anyone to "sell" the 12 steps (this is totally against our traditions).
I tell you this because it is true, it comes from my heart. This is just my experience, strength and hope, the 12 steps has helped me ENORMOUSLY to increase my self esteem.
(The co-dep stuff I will start therapy for next month.)
I will post more specifically in Part 2 of this post about HOW the 12 steps helped me!!. Know that you are not alone.
(I have also read most of the books on the site here, to help me learn more about how this love addiction manifests in my life.)
Rainbows always
As you can tell from this board I post A LOT, however I find I havent been able to post on this self esteem forum. I click on, go to post and then have nothing to say. I like it the least!!
I guess that means I have some growth there to do. Recovery isnt about being comfortable and Im not comfortable talking about self esteem at all (or my lack of it)!!
So now I will attempt to find out why and explore in writing (as I implore ALL of you to do, it's a great way to self exploration).
Let's see what comes up......
Ive always had TERRIBLY low self esteem. LOW LOW LOW. (I will not divulge here in length as to why I do, Im sure we all know where it comes from...childhood traumas) etc, not fitting in with family and or peers. Feeling unloved, different, unaccepted, less than, unworthy.You know the drill.
I was successful (on the outside) at school, in nursing and went on to have a 20 yr successful professional working life. Up to this point I wasnt displaying any overt addictive behaviour. I liked sugar but wasnt not eating compulsively at this time.
However now in saying that, when I look back I was a love addict from age 15 with my first boyfriend.(i have a seperate post on this somewhere). I lept into his arms because we cared about one another and I used his love to "top me up" to escape the pain I felt in my family. I felt that my mum did not like me let alone LOVE ME!! I got love from him. I was insatiable!!
As ive heard Susan Peabody call it... The Hungry Heart grew from there.
So the first boy who loved me......... there I was. Full on. Full blown love addict with no idea......... you know the story. At this time I was also bullied at school by the "in crowd", a group of b*tches who one day "let" me into their pathetic little group and one day thrust me aside. This was agonizing for me at High school. The teasing. I felt so isolated. I didn't fit in. At lunch time I remember going to the library and hiding in the shelves because I had no friends. It DID NOT occur to me at this age to stick up for myself!! I found out when I was 33 that I am "sensitive person". So no wonder my high school years are too painful to recount.
Lightbulb moment..probably the reason behind my reluctance to post on this S/E forum, the origins are too painful to explore. Deep breath!!
I used to pray that we would move house, or that I'd get run over by a car and die, or better still that they would get run over by a car and die!! I cried myself to sleep all the time, and I wanted to run away. I wished I had the guts to run away from home.
I never felt truly loved or accepted and when my authentic self would show up in little ways, my family would laugh at me and tease me, so I NEVER develped a sense of feeling "OK" and certainly did not develop a sense of SELF. I never learnt that I was good, kind, lovable,worthy of any kind of love or even likable.
(I have to add though, that my mum DOES love me. I know this. So does my Dad. I was NEVER beaten or sexually or physically abused. They were good parents but were emotionally unavailable and did the best they could at the time, with the "tools" they were given to them in their "toolbox". I know this ......... but to recover from our childhood "traumas" we have to recognize it as "abuse" in order to heal. I have always felt guilty and still do have huge difficulty in saying that I suffered some abuse from them ( i tend to minimalize it). I have also realized that MY PERCEPTIONS as a very sensitive emotional child could have been over dramatized or more intense than it necessiatted!! However whatever happened and how ever I FELT at the time still led me to believe i was unloved. When in actual fact I recognize that this is not the shared reality of my parents)
When I voiced my fears or anxieties they were brushed aside (so I never learnt to validate or recognize my own feelings of pain or suffering. This is a core sympom of co-dependence. Still didnt until I got into 12 steps)
I especially DID NOT learn from my family that even the quirky parts of me, the sensitive parts of me were OK, like being scared of a Hurricane coming, or needing to go to bed early on a school night!! These are still the standing family joke!! Remember when shaz was scared of the hurricaine.......haha!! ( the town was on a Red Alert I might add!!)
It's not until I got into recovery 2 yrs ago that I realize these are not the thoughts of a healthy teenage girl with high self esteem.
All of my life from 15-38 I have been in love addicted, co-dependent r'ships. Very toxic ones. Since getting into 12 step recovery I have realized that people with high self esteem dont put up with all this B/S and all the toxicity.
I did because he loved me! Finally I felt loved!! We argued no doubt (all my r'ships were toxic low/high intensity, great one minute, stuff the next!!) Having LOW S/E meant that I never knew I was worthy of MORE. Never knew this was toxic. Hadn't had a positive r'ship role modelled for me. Did not have a clue. And of course never in a million years did I think it was unhealthy (yeah bad luck perhaps!@!@!) And never did I think I had the option of something better for myself!!
And all this because I grew up with LOW SELF ESTEEM!!
Having LOW S/E , how would we know any different?
In my early 20's I was a very successful nurse, travelled the world but in social situations felt so unworthy and SSSOO self conscious that I drank to be comfortable. We used to party a lot, my 3 friends were extroverts, they got drunk because they liked too. I liked too aswell but it was mainly so that I could get some courage to even dance or socalize. Suprised to say I was very funny and made everyone laugh. I had a ball, I was happy IF I was fairly tanked up!! If not I was PAINFULLY shy! This drinking/partying went on for about 8 yrs.
Later on when I got married and moved to a mining town I stopped going out with friends so the drinking stopped, the need to drink had stopped!! Instead the eating started!! I ate sugar to quell the miserableness of my life and yet again another toxic, co-dependent, love addicted relationship. The self absorbed man, who I might add, I ended up marrying!! (and now divorced)
Im still shy now, at age 38 and because I cant/dont eat sugar it means I cant/dont drink sugar in drinks ie alcohol. I am learning to socialize again without a drink. It's hard and uncomfortable!! (thats another post). 2 yrs of 12 step recovery has helped.
And so I grew up co-dependent, (I will post on this seperately too!). It all stems from lack of the ability to esteem oneself!!
I used to think I was "Ok. Yeah I'm OK". I did a bit of counselling, esp after my divorce. I read a few books on low self esteem, went to a weekend course on "co-dependence" 6 yrs ago, but obviously didnt really understand it, got involved in various spiritual practices, did A LOT of self dev and growth and spiritual work had affirmations all over the house!!
None of that really worked for me. I went to clairvyants, energy healers, did inner child, older child, marriage therapy, you name it I did it. (the only thing I didnt do was hypnosis). Even walked over burning hot coals!! All that stuff, I did it.
But nothing worked. I was still plagued by my low self esteem, it oozed into every crevice of my life, inability to be confident at work, I stepped down from responsible positions, socially isolated myself, inability to parent as I want, stuff love r'ships, EVERYTHING in my life was UNMANAGEABLE all because of my low self esteem and it's acompanying addictions.
......... LOVE addiction and FOOD addiction, (and generalized obsessive thinking about anything which leads to chronic anxiety) and the constant inability to esteem oneself which for me has manifested in chronic depression.
At the very bottom of this DISEASE is the root cause .....Co-dependence and it's resulting low self esteem. Or perhaps low S/E causes co-dep. Not sure. Not that it matters anymore.
I just know that I have 2 HUGE things to work on
1) INCREASING my SELF ESTEEM
and
2)Working on my co-dependence.
Now how do we increase our self esteem?? The answer you have all been waiting for.........
For me the success I feel has been beacuse I have worked the 12 step programme. Nothing more nothing less!
Nothing else has worked for me EXCEPT the 12 steps. I am not a paid endorser of the 12 steps, I am not contacted by anyone to "sell" the 12 steps (this is totally against our traditions).
I tell you this because it is true, it comes from my heart. This is just my experience, strength and hope, the 12 steps has helped me ENORMOUSLY to increase my self esteem.
(The co-dep stuff I will start therapy for next month.)
I will post more specifically in Part 2 of this post about HOW the 12 steps helped me!!. Know that you are not alone.
(I have also read most of the books on the site here, to help me learn more about how this love addiction manifests in my life.)
Rainbows always