FlowersForever
Junior Member
Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man, that he didn't, didn't already have
Posts: 53 
|
Post by FlowersForever on Oct 7, 2013 9:19:18 GMT -8
I am very new to this forum. I looked through all the various places to post, and this seemed the best. I thought about putting it in the Emotions section under "Ambivalence", as there is a duality to my feelings.
Where I am today... on the one hand, I cannot fathom never talking to or seeing my POA again; I know deep inside that I still hope/believe that we will be together somehow, someway, someday. I still think way too much about him and our "someday".
On the other hand, I don't want to think about him multiple times a day. I don't want to carry a torch, but I do. Given how strong my feelings are, I do think there is a risk of me doing so for a very long time.
I worry that I will fool myself into believing that I have or am successfully moving past my POA, but that deep inside I really haven't changed much at all. From outward appearances, it will appear I am doing great as I am able to maintain NC quite well (as long as he doesn't contact me, which he doesn't). The inward reality is what concerns me, because it is what eludes me most... what am I really feeling? Am I just fooling myself into believing that things are getting better when in fact I am still as hung up on my POA as before?
One thing I know about myself is that I am very good at fooling myself and getting way out of touch with my true feelings. Not sure how to get to the rock bottom of what I am genuinely feeling. It's especially hard when you think you are there, but then there are such contradictory feelings that it seems impossible for both to be true (meaning, that I want to be over him but there is also a part of me that continues to harbor hope).
Hopefully this isn't too convoluted.
|
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 7, 2013 10:39:26 GMT -8
The inward reality is what concerns me, because it is what eludes me most... what am I really feeling? One thing I know about myself is that I am very good at fooling myself and getting way out of touch with my true feelings. Not sure how to get to the rock bottom of what I am genuinely feeling. In childhood, when we are in survival mode, our feelings get distorted and buried. Controlling feelings is at the heart of why we are addicts. We are trying to change or eliminate feelings we don't like and replace them with the high of our addiction. In recovery we have to sort this out in our journal work. I buried my pain from peer rejection in anger. People just kept saying I was an angry person. But for me anger was just easier to feel than the horror of being rejected. Others bury their feelings in other ways. I know fantasies about romantic love being the road to living happily ever after made me happy instead of sad. Look inward and find the real hidden emotions. Face them. Feel them no matter how painful. Accept them. Sit in them. Then release them. If you believe in God release them to him/her. If not, release them to an "enlightened witness" like a therapist or anyone who can be trusted to validate what you are feeling rather than try to talk you out of it. For example, we don't want to wallow in self-pity, but we must feel appropropriate self-concern before we move on to acceptance or forgiveness. They come later. What to do about emotions in recovery. It is a process . . . Identify hidden feelings Read Write Feel all your painful feelings for awhile. The feelings you have been running away from all your life. Accept Forgive Let go Move on Don't skip any step and don't get stuck in any step. P.S. When you feel as if you are recovering, it is usually genuine. Celebrate. Hold your ground. Watch for misteps. Don't get complacent. Get up one more time than you fall down. Guard your progress. Keep doing what you have done to get here. Push yourself to the next step. Try new things. Love yourself. We are often afraid of things going well because pain is more familiar and due to our brain's repetition compulsion, familiar is more comfortable, therefore we gravitate toward it. |
|
FlowersForever
Junior Member
Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man, that he didn't, didn't already have
Posts: 53
|
Post by FlowersForever on Oct 8, 2013 11:11:15 GMT -8
Thank you for your reply Susan, this is very insightful and helpful. What is journaling exactly? Is the goal to just write out what I am feeling/thinking? Or is there more to it? I have looked around on this forum to see if there is any guidance on journaling, but I don't see any (except the section where you can keep your personal journal), I apologize if I have overlooked something. Thanks again, your advice and assistance is much appreciated.
|
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Oct 8, 2013 12:23:39 GMT -8
Welcome flowersforever, When you feel comfortable please share your story in the Newcomers thread, and lets us know how you got here and what your recovery goals are. This way we will know your are new and we can make suggestions too you.
I would like to share with you about journaling, when I first got sober 4 years ago, and also started my journey with this love addiction recovery of 3 years now, all I could do was write, I have 6 large notebooks and I would write for hours, trying to put this puzzle of insanity together. I would write out what my ideal man would look like, and I would write out how my poa treated me, and nothing added up. He would tell me he loved me, and we would be together, but his actions did not say this. And it has taken me along time to let go, and to get my heart and my head on the same level. Also writing with a pen and paper, not a computer, you will be amazed what come out on the paper, or at least I was.
So you just start at how your are feeling and why you are feeling this way, and what you can do at this moment to change what you can change. And that is where it starts until you get to a place where you can solves these issues as they come up daily.
And as far as fooling yourself saying you want NC with your poa, but in your gut you still have hope that you will be with your poa, I did this as well, and my addiction will still tell me from time to time that this man will come to his senses and come back to me, but this is all fantasy now. I know for me, I am so very grateful that my poa has finally given up after 6 months of me continually telling him NO, after 3 years of hell with him. But this does not make me stop loving him, I will always care for him, I am human. But what changed in me, was I was not going to allow this man to keep treating me like a noboby. I am somebody, and I love me now most of all.
And you will get to this place as well, like they say in Codependent meetings, we just have to "Detach With Love" and we can hate the disease and not the person, and we also have to realize we can not change people, places, or things, we just have to accept the things that we can not change, and just realize some relationship are meant for a season, and so are meant for a reason and move on.
No it is not easy, but it is necessary.
|
|
FlowersForever
Junior Member
Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man, that he didn't, didn't already have
Posts: 53
|
Post by FlowersForever on Oct 8, 2013 13:08:51 GMT -8
Thank you for your thoughtful reply and for sharing about journaling, it is helpful. I will try to journal and see what happens. I was doing quite a bit of writing (typing) several months ago when I was breaking up with my POA. It was helpful when I was in intense emotional turmoil. There was no wondering about my true feelings back then, I was raw with the struggle. Now, I don't feel much or think much... Likely I need to dig deep and figure out my true feelings (as Susan recommended). I will try handwritten journaling to get at these hidden feelings. Thanks again for caring and taking the time to share. (BTW, did post my story in the newcomers section, but I changed my screen name after doing so, so that may be why you thought I haven't yet.  . ) |
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 8, 2013 14:54:09 GMT -8
There are diaries, journals and workbooks. Diaries list daily experiences. "I went to work today and had a great lunch with my friends." Journals include feelings, progress, goal setting, poetry, prose,short stories, memoirs, pearls of wisdom, and most importantly our dreams. What ever comes into your mind. Some people write down what is in their conscious mind. Others write what comes up from their unconscious (dreams). I wrote a lot about things that came to me via my soul. From God's mind to my mind to my computer journal. I believe I am a conduit or channel for God. As I was writing, amazing things came to me and got written down to help others. My journal started in 1982 and parts of it became my books. A workbook asks you questions to answer. It helps you focus and internalize. We want information to go from the neo-cortex (frontal lobe) to the deeper levels of long-term memory. Therapy helps information come out of the unconscious. Journaling helps us remember and learn from it. Remember when we had to write something a hundred times when we were being punished in school. My teacher had me write on the chalk board 100 times that I would not talk in class. Do what feels good. At the same time, if you are afraid push through and do it anyway. My memoirs, Where Love Abides, came from my journal. Now it is published. |
|
. )