Journaling: Suggestion

Cynthia, Welcome please register and log in to post. We have to be able to reach you. I will read over your post and respond.


I believe I am addicted to someone. I know that he is not right for me. I believe he uses me for money and the "high" he gets from knowing that I am in love with him. He has told me repeatedly that my feelings for him are not the same that he has for me. That he "cares" about me but only wants to be friends. We met online and had sex right away.

We continued to have sex on and off for about 6 months. Then he said that he only wanted to be "friends" and that we couldn't sleep together anymore. He is extremely possessive and controlling. He wants to know where I am and what I am doing every second of the day.

And when I try to move on, he reels me back in. He gets super possessive if he knows that I am out in a social situation where I could potentially meet someone else. He is narcissistic to an extreme. He has lived in his parents basement for the last 18 months with no motivation to leave. He quit his job in July and hasn't even bothered to look for another since. I give him money when he needs it. He is a 37 year old man who has never been married, has no children and has had many, many relationships.

All of which have ended rather abruptly or badly. I feel like I am just another "notch" on his belt. However, I HAVE fallen in love with him. We talk every day by phone and text. Sometimes, he will say that we talk too much and we need to back off, when he does this I immediately go into panic mode. But I abide by what he says. Then he will contact me and we fall right back into the same pattern. We have been talking for 9 months now. He has not seen anyone else since we started seeing each other. I have not either. I feel like when I don't hear from him that I am going to have a serious panic attack. He told me last night that we shouldn't talk every second of every day and that we don't always need to ask each other "what's up" that was last night at 6:30.

I haven't heard from him since then and now it is 10:30 the next morning. I am in serious panic mode. I can't see straight and can't focus on anything but whether or not he is going to text me today. I feel so helpless. He berates me. Tells me I'm a sleeper if I decide to go out with my friends. I gave my daughter up for adoption when I was younger and recently reconnected with her. We have a good relationship. He uses this against me. He tells me that she is using me and that the only reason I do things for her is because I have guilt over giving her up. He tells me how naive I am sometimes and how I couldn't function without his presence in my life.

I have started to believe everything he has said. He told me right away that I needed a boob job and that I should start working out to "tone up" my "old ass" body. That's how he refers to me. He calls me old all the time. He is 37 and I am 41. I am 5'4" and weigh 118 pounds. I have never been called fat before. But he calls me fat all the time. He tells me every way possible that I could improve upon myself. He is 6'2" and weighs 245 pounds. He has a beer gut. I would NEVER say anything to him about his flaws. For fear of him leaving me.

We hang out all the time. But when he drives to my house to hang out, he makes me give him gas money. He says because he doesn't have a job it's my responsibility to help him out. If we go to the casino, I have to pay for dinner and give him money to gamble with or he won't go with me. I can't go over to his house because he lives in his parents basement. If his parents are out of town I do go over there sometimes. He comes to my house on the weekends and spends the night. We sleep in the same bed. But he won't have sex with me. I buy him beer and make him dinner. For my birthday he made me a bracelet and a keychain.

When we went out to dinner for my birthday, I paid. He has paid a couple times in 9 months for my meals, but that's it. I've never been introduced to his friends because he says that if something happens and we break up, then if I become friends with them, they might like me better than him and then not be friends with him afterwards. It's always about what HE wants. If I refuse to do something he wants, he pouts and refuses to talk to me or says that we are getting "too close" and he withdraws.

Which he knows makes me absolutely crazy. I don't know what to do. I am an attractive woman and know that I could do better than him. But I AM addicted to him. I am addicted to him controlling me and have no idea how to get out of this. There ARE times when he is funny and nice to me. But those times are rare. He is typically talking down to me and bullying me. I haven't heard from him in 15 hours and I feel like I am going to die.