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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 12, 2013 10:21:56 GMT -8
What To Do
Recovery is a step-by-step process . . . 1. Admit you have a problem to yourself and others. 2. Avoid putting all the blame on your PoA (Person of Addiction) or Qualifier. 3. Reach out for help. 4. Inventory the details of your addiction so you know exactly what has to be changed. 5. Stay single for a period of time and work on yourself. 6. Educate yourself about addiction. Read or listen to books. 7. Commit to someone and yourself to begin changing how you think and behave about romantic love and relationships. 8. Work on building your self-esteem. 9. Keep a journal. 10. Deal with underlying issues like depression, anxiety and wounds from childhood. You cannot do this alone. 11. Validate your progress and stay optimistic about your recovery. 12. If you have a slip get right back into recovery. Do not be embarrassed. Love addicts always take two steps forward and two steps back because we are not talking about substance abuse we are talking about love which has its roots in childhood. It is our most basic need to be loved. We just need to start looking in the right places. From Alcoholics Anonymous
"We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then.”
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Post by keishiapete on Nov 20, 2013 5:26:58 GMT -8
I believe I am a love addict did not realize that I am until recently I fall in love to quickly and marry the person I am currently on my third marriage and facing a divorce I feel like my world has come to a end I am tired of loving people who are incapable of loving in return this husband has used me and I continue to allow him to do it because I thought he would come back but he despises me help me I am sick
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 20, 2013 5:42:16 GMT -8
Hi keishiapete, Welcome! You're in the right place. Please feel free to post in the "Newcomers" section, and be sure to read, read, read as much as you can about love addiction. We love people who are incapable of loving us, because we don't love ourselves enough and we do not have the appropriate tools to keep people like this out of our lives. The more you educate yourself about love addiction, the more this will make sense and will help you get healthier.
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Post by dizzyb on Nov 30, 2013 21:31:16 GMT -8
Hi.. I am married but was in an affair (he was married as well-on wife #2)that lasted for about 2 years. I became dependent on this guy..head over heels in love- a feeling I never experienced in my life. It was ecstasy! He started to pursue me in late May by involving me in projects at his job (something he knew I was passionate about).
He was "friends" with my husband so he knew of me and we briefly met on a few occasions prior to May. He basically took me under his wing...he gave me everything I was lacking in my lame, lonely and broken marriage of 20 years. By August, our working relationship crossed over when he first kissed me in his office. He literally asked me if I wanted to get into this relationship- I remember the day so vividly. He said, "if we are going to "do this" the L word can never enter this relationship and I have no plans of leaving my wife". I thought to myself, what a male organy b_ _ _ _ _d...but went along for the ride with my adrenaline full speed ahead. With every passing day the relationship grew more intense. We went from meeting once a week to meeting everyday. We would be in constant communication via text or conversation. At the time I worked p/t so my afternoons were free. Just about every afternoon he would leave his job and spend 2-3 hours with me. Many times he even came to lunch with my husband and I just to be with me. He looked for every chance to be with me. I was like, "OMG" this guy really loves me.
I remember actually telling myself not to fall for him. We would text each other constantly when away from each other. We talked every morning on our way to work and as soon as I left, I would call him and we would set up our meeting time. In November my husband and I had to go to a work related trip. My "guy" who works with my husband planned to go on the same trip and managed to set up our rooms next to each others. Knowing my husbands schedule, he made himself available when my husband was not. I thought-"this is awesome!" We basically spent 2 days together. At dinner one night there (amongst about 15 other people), he was sitting on my right, the husband on my left. My husband engrossed in his business conversations ignoring me (us). We were in our own little world and didn't care what others thought. We were laughing and having a great time. This is when he professed his "love" for me. I couldn't even respond. I got up from the table, went to the bathroom and basically yelled at myself..."don't do it!!! Don't do it!" but I knew it was already too late! I was so in love with him! After that, this relationship spiraled out of control! Obsession, possession, jealousy, intense physical relationship, an intense emotional bond was created. He would tell me several times a day that he will love me always and forever..that I am perfect, that he wants to grow old with me....
About a year into the intense, obsessive relationship, I had my first panic attack. Feeling scared to death, I made a doctors appointment. I was a mess.. I started crying in the office. He prescribed me Xanax and zoloff and recommend I see a therapist. it took me about a month before I made the appointment with the therapist. Been in therapy and on meds now for about a year and a half. Throughout the relationship we had many occasions where our spouses questioned us. We tried numerous times to cool it down but just couldn't. He even invited my family ( I have 2 kids) on vacation with his family. (Prior to this we went on several "double dates") We went...and oh boy that was not good for us! I was a mental mess!! I escaped from it by intense exercising...on a week long vacation I lost 7 pounds and drank like a fish! I couldn't stand seeing him with her! It made me feel like I wanted tear apart my insides!! Anyway..his wife saw and felt the intensity between us, as did my husband. This is where things starting getting ugly... My guy and I started arguing. I wanted him to myself. I didn't understand if he loves me so much, why wont he leave his wife?..I was willing and able to leave my husband. We went on and off with arguing for the next 8 more months or so. He tried breaking the intensity, I felt it and reacted to it in an angry way. He said, "why cant we just enjoy our time together?" I wanted more than he was willing to give and I couldn't handle it. Early this summer his wife started confronting him about us on a regular basis. He ended up admitting most of our relationship to her minus the sex part. Since then he started going to therapy for himself...one day he called me up in a rage saying he wanted to end his life..he said he was so stuck and felt he had no way out and I certainly wasn't making it easy for him. It has been extremely rough, agonizing pain-he was the strong one and ended it. I haven't come to terms with it at all..until maybe now. He always leaves me that glimmer of hope... right as I write this I feel physically sick..I can feel my anxiety building. I know it was an unhealthy and wrong relationship -at least that what my brain tells me. We still have limited contact because I volunteer at a place that he's involved with. As long as he remains at his job, we will have to be in some contact. This obviously makes ending this that much harder. I am still in therapy which as of now hasn't really helped too much. So here I am...
Thank you for listening... this of course is an abbreviated version of the past 2 years but hopefully it's enough for anyone who is reading this to support me.
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Post by Little Fox on Dec 1, 2013 2:26:49 GMT -8
Lizzy, I am at the beginning of my journey as well and in withdrawal - so I may not have the best advice or wisest words here...
I just wanted to sympathize with your pain. These words, that someone loves you so much and you are the ONE for them, they are so extremely powerful and so, so hard to shrug off. Someone had said this to me, too, and then basically went back to ignoring me and acting as if nothing had ever happened. The pain of losing this is tearing me apart and I haven't been nearly as deep into it as you. You must be very strong, even if you don't feel like it right now.
Do you still work together?
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Post by dizzyb on Dec 1, 2013 17:27:55 GMT -8
Thank you Little Fox, It's been months and I am still going through withdrawals too! I do volunteer programs at his facility. I already canceled 2 of my programs because I don't think I am ready to see him. We do have communication though because of this and he is "friends" with my husband. It's not like I can just be rid of him. He is intertwined in my life. He knows my whole family. He treats my kids better than my husband does. He is one of those guys that wants to appear to be perfect in every situation...anything is does has to succeed...which I think is one of the reasons it took him a while to let go of me and he wont leave his wife because he can't have his kids and family knowing he's not the "perfect" guy they think he is (amongst other reasons). I could ramble on and on.... So what's your story?
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Post by Little Fox on Dec 1, 2013 23:42:34 GMT -8
Hi Dizzy (not sure why I read Lizzy last time...?), I know the feeling of not being able to evade him. We live in a small village and even if he doesn't live here anymore, he's connected to many of my friends, I work together with his brothers... so everything and everyone reminds me of him. I have even considered leaving the village, but then again I have a daughter. The illusion of perfection goes very deep. I have been evading my problems with fantasies ever since I was a kid, so it is SO very tempting to just doze off into the fantasy world and relive the times when we seemed to be perfect. But every time I give in to the temptation, the withdrawals afterwards are getting worse.
I have decided to get into the 12 steps to keep my mind distracted and busy and focused on myself rather than him.
My story - I'll try a short version. I have been in a love- and sexless relationship for 12 years (married for 4 years) and seperated since spring. We still live in the same house (we run a farm, we use different parts of the house) and there is still emotional baggage to carry, but for me the relationship is over. Since June I have been falling in love with someone I met at the theater. I thought he was finally someone healthy, because he is not abusive, addictive, he's a gentle nature, honest, funny, romantic... and has courted me for months before we finally admitted each other's love and spent a week away. He told me I was his first love and I'd be his last. That he had never felt like this before. And I believed him - the problem is, ever since this week, he has said close to nothing. No real acknowledgement of what had happened, no messages, calls - no nothing. Once he turned up at my game shop, stood there waiting for me for two hours, gave me a bottle of wine and rode off again with less than 3 (meaningless) sentences said. This was over a month ago and so I have to face the truth that for him, it must be over. But neither do I know for sure nor do I know why.
And so I struggle with accepting a reality that feels so bizarre, so out of context and so pointless. And lose myself in fantasies, hopes and obsess about whether to forget him or confront him or just let him go. Whenever I succeed to push him a bit more in the background the pain of withdrawal comes back more fiercely than before.
For some reason, I relate to your story more than to most others, even though our situations are different.
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Post by dizzyb on Dec 4, 2013 20:11:37 GMT -8
Hi Little Fox,
I think some of these guys that us love addicts are addicted to have some of the same characteristics. My guy also told me that he has never loved anyone as he love(d) me. He said that no one has ever treated him and made him feel so loved other than me (on an emotional level and physical level). Told me several times a days that he would love me always and forever no matter what. Our physical relationship has been over since June. His wife found out about us but he supposedly only admitted to having an "emotional affair" with me. He says he is trying to make things work out in his marriage but I cant get that phrase out of my head..."tigers don't change their stripes"...once things are "settled" in his relationship with his wife, I believe he will be back on the prowl again. Within the last month or so I have been giving back things that he has given me over the last 2 years. Today I asked to meet with him..I told him I wanted to finalized this for good. I had a bag of gifts that he had given me and something very dear to him that he had given me. I thought it would upset me more than it did but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. He actually got more upset than I did. He said it was a slap in his face. I could have just thrown the stuff away but for some reason, I felt the need to give it back to him. To me that was my way of closure. I still have a few more things to give back to him. So I guess its not finalized...I feel like it will never fully be over. Today though I feel like was successful and went in the right direction for my recovery. Thank you for responding to me..please feel free to message me anytime. It feels good to be able to "talk" to people like you who understand the pain and suffering.
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Post by bittenkitten on Dec 28, 2013 20:04:07 GMT -8
Wow i so relate to both of you. I spend have my time obessing and the other half wondering how if someone can say those words how they can say those to others and not actually mean them. How can feelings that are so strong be SO WRONG?? this totally messes us my cinderella dreams as a child! LOL. I know my POA is no good for me that I deserve much better yet why do I still think about him? Why did I fall so hard? I have been in no contact for 3 weeks. Actually I am about to sue him so things should get very interesting. He has so much rage against me. How can someone who loves you forever be so mean and hateful? I am glad to have you dixxb and little fox!
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 29, 2013 4:31:21 GMT -8
Bittenkitten, love addicts tend to operate on emotions only, not logic. So, we have created a huge imbalance within ourselves. It's time to start to use your adult, logical brain to figure things out. Hard to do, but certainly doable!
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 29, 2013 7:03:41 GMT -8
1. How can feelings that are so strong be SO WRONG?? this totally messes us my cinderella dreams as a child! LOL. 2. I know my POA is no good for me that I deserve much better yet why do I still think about him? Why did I fall so hard? 3. How can someone who loves you forever be so mean and hateful? Hi Bittenkitten, 1. Feelings are not factual and Cinderella is a fairy-tale/fiction. It is reality (recovery) versus fantasy (love addiction/obsession). 2. You can retrain your brain and practice NC with your thoughts as well. You can always pick yourself up. Learn from your mistakes and move on. 3. I am sorry but “love you forever” is nothing but a lie or an empty talk when not followed by consistent actions.
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bigolmess
Junior Member
“I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” - Mark Twain
Posts: 74
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Post by bigolmess on Dec 29, 2013 9:40:41 GMT -8
I would give anything to know how retrain my brain and to do NC with my thoughts. I have no problem with not contacting my POA, but I spend an inordinate amount of time obsessing over all the lies he told me and why I didn't heed the red flags that popped up from the beginning and lasted over four years. The only times I feel at peace is when it hits me how lucky I am to have survived his alcoholism and sex addiction. Then, I will eventually go back to his intentional deceit. It is a nasty, negative loop. I am meditating and practicing step 3 but I can get so caught up in the negative obsessing that I forget to ask God for help.
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 29, 2013 10:21:27 GMT -8
It does take time for these obsessions to go away, and what I am learning is they never go completely away, some days are better than others. It is because in my case the trauma associated with it, and I just have to get up and move on to something else, and refocus my attention elsewhere. I also pray when my thoughts get to be too much.
So it this helps any, and if somehow you can find a way to forgive yourself and your poa, this might help some also. I know when I think of my poa now, it is really disgusting, it is not happy, love stuff, it is just disgusting stuff, and I don't stay there too long.
I am just grateful it is quite now.
Keep posting on here as well
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 30, 2013 4:10:10 GMT -8
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 30, 2013 10:56:41 GMT -8
I would give anything to know how retrain my brain and to do NC with my thoughts. I have no problem with not contacting my POA, but I spend an inordinate amount of time obsessing over all the lies he told me and why I didn't heed the red flags that popped up from the beginning and lasted over four years. The only times I feel at peace is when it hits me how lucky I am to have survived his alcoholism and sex addiction. Then, I will eventually go back to his intentional deceit. It is a nasty, negative loop. I am meditating and practicing step 3 but I can get so caught up in the negative obsessing that I forget to ask God for help. We can retrain or reprogram our brain and apply NC in our thoughts by filling our minds with something good, healthy, positive and productive. Find a replacement in the form of a hobby or a meditation book and remember to ask your God for help as your step 1.
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Post by bittenkitten on Dec 30, 2013 15:20:45 GMT -8
I would give anything to know how retrain my brain and to do NC with my thoughts. I have no problem with not contacting my POA, but I spend an inordinate amount of time obsessing over all the lies he told me and why I didn't heed the red flags that popped up from the beginning and lasted over four years. The only times I feel at peace is when it hits me how lucky I am to have survived his alcoholism and sex addiction. Then, I will eventually go back to his intentional deceit. It is a nasty, negative loop. I am meditating and practicing step 3 but I can get so caught up in the negative obsessing that I forget to ask God for help. I understand bigolmess! I know with me i obsess because I have not reached that level of acceptance. I still want to believe that fairy tale or that it isn't true. It is similar to addiction and the denial of the bad times (which if I am really honest were more) and trying to get that first "high". It is interesting, in the 6th and 7th step I was always taught that we hold on to our self-defeating behaviors because they serve a purpose. I know I play the victim and damsel in distress often. I hate to admit it. Part of me is still there wanting to be rescued. If I have to accept than I have to also accept the fear of the unknown. Living life without my POA. As bad as it was there was some sick sense of security. I remember when I caught him cheating. He started to talk his way out of it. My smart self said "this is total BS" but then there was that little girl that wanted to believe so badly. I wanted to not face the truth and what that would entail from me--ending a business I was excited about--and the relationship and dreams. Not trusting in my higher power for sure. That is part of it, I feel as if why didn't God protect me? I remember wrestling with the whole relationship and praying about it if it was right-did I take my will back? I don't think so. But maybe I just did not know yet. But I know now. If it was not for all of you I could not go on today. That is for sure, I need your support to keep going!
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 30, 2013 18:00:18 GMT -8
I was just like this when I first came to this forum, and the only thing that help me was my poa being out of my life, 24/7 for about a year, and I was not able to call him, and it forced me to go thru the withdrawals, but with the withdrawals, I started to make sense of all of this insanity. Nothing was adding up anymore, I could finally see the reality of this, and once I got some space and time between me and my poa, I really began to heal.
We have to stop thinking if we only love and care for this person enough, our life with our poa will be wonderful, this is our addiction talking to us, the fantasy, it is easier to stay in the fantasy, than to face our reality. Maybe you don't want to look like a failure, or you are codependent like I am/was, and you want to prove your poa worth, since he seemed to not see this, I did this.
But we have to turn all of this around we have to do a complete 180 degree turn in the opposite direction, when your brain tells you, oh my poa loves me, you say out loud, no he does not, that is only your addiction talking to you. You have to play minds games with yourself, or at least I did, until I could really force myself to really believe this man never loved or cared anything about me. And he did not.
He loves seeing me hurt and in pain, he loves having me wait for his calls, and just making me miserable. But I was groomed for a whole year, for him to emotionally abuse me for 2 1/2 more years, and I was the only one who could stop this abuse.
I am finally back to the person I was before I came in contact with my poa, and I can tell you today, I am at peace. And you will get there as well, but you can not believe the fantasies, and you can not believe your love addict brain telling you this is your knight in shining armour, it is not. If our poas really loves us, we would not be asking all of these questions, if he was healthy, we would not be asking all of these questions.
Take back your control, and start the healing process. It is hard to go through this, but you can and you will, and you will be amazed how well you feel when you come out on the other side of this.
Acceptance was the answer. We cant change people, places, or things, but we can control how we react to it.
Start doing your daily affirmation about yourself, and this will also let you know, you are better than the lies and the crumbs, that your poa has been giving you.
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bigolmess
Junior Member
“I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” - Mark Twain
Posts: 74
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Post by bigolmess on Dec 31, 2013 10:03:55 GMT -8
When I had my first therapy session in November, my therapist told me that I have been escaping my life through fantasy with my POA. My last contact with him was some texts he sent that seemed pretty manipulative with the goal to keep me as a fallback. I started grieving the loss of the illusion then but I have been stuck still obsessing about how this person was playing me all along. A part of me still couldn't accept what had been staring me right in the face the entire time, and it's his sex addiction & narcissistic tendencies. He views people as objects and tools but somehow, in my codependent mind, I was supposed to be different. I was so desperate for a connection that I smoothed down all the red flags that popped up. The idea of him trolling the internet for women on these dating sites, which is like shooting fish in a barrel for predators, was so repulsive to me that I just couldn't hold that idea and how it made me feel with the fantasy I had about our four-year "connection."
My mind is clearer than it has been in a long time and what you all posted is much of the reason. I couldn't sleep last night and started reading some older posts on this forum. The ones about sex addiction and the replies from you all on this thread yesterday helped solidify what has been my barrier to letting the fantasy go, to stop obsessing and to keeping the focus on me and not what's wrong with him. I'm not a mental health professional and don't know what this guy's diagnosis is, but the behavior is way outside of what is acceptable for me and my reaction to it was to feel small and inadequate. I've been struggling with whether or not my obsessing was from my inability to forgive him when it seems the real issue is just accepting what is. Whatever the causes for his behavior, I don't want it in my life; I don't want to analyze every exchange we ever had to figure out what was a lie; I don't want to worry about forgiving him; I don't want to send him lovingkindness when I'm meditating. I want to keep the lessons I learned, appreciate the good in my life, and continue to grow.
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Post by Havefaith on Dec 31, 2013 12:01:51 GMT -8
Bigolmess, I got nowhere, absolutely nowhere, perseverating on the behaviors of my POA. I can't 'fix' him (or anyone, for that matter) nor is it my job. He was my 'drug of choice'; I wish him well and I hope he gets the help he needs. In the meantime, I focus on my recovery. The one thing that is helping me pull out of addiction is intense psychodynamic therapy, which looks at what motivates my maladaptive behaviors. For me, I need to know where these behaviors originated -- it is the only thing that has gotten me sober (it's hard to act out when one is mindful and aware)...
Psychodynamic therapy, also known as insight-oriented therapy, focuses on unconscious processes as they are manifested in a person’s present behavior. The goals of psychodynamic therapy are a client’s self-awareness and understanding of the influence of the past on present behavior. In its brief form, a psychodynamic approach enables the client to examine unresolved conflicts and symptoms that arise from past dysfunctional relationships and manifest themselves in the need and desire to abuse substances. (James Haggerty, M.D.)
HaveFaith
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Post by Looking4peace on Dec 31, 2013 13:43:05 GMT -8
I am in recovery and working with a therapist who is introducing me to the concepts of Buddhism and mindfulness. He has given me a number of works/authors to read. I am ready to start this part of the journey. Is there anyone out there who has found anyone in particular to be worth reading in this area?
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Post by sandokai on Dec 31, 2013 13:56:40 GMT -8
looking4peace, a few things on my shelf right now:
Love 2.0 by Barbara L. Fredrickson
There Is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber
The Lost Art of Compassion by Lorne Ladner
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Post by Havefaith on Dec 31, 2013 16:36:16 GMT -8
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lostgirl73
New Member
Get up and try try try was my motto but now my motto is STOP TRYING, JUST STOP, and heal
Posts: 44
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Post by lostgirl73 on Jan 26, 2014 18:27:41 GMT -8
I am not sure how to work this process but doing my best and I thought taking my inventory from this list of 40 was a good place to go at this point. 1. You are very needy when it comes to relationships.- I try to act tough and independent but inside any validation I get I lap it up and repeat it to myself over and over and over obsessively n without that validation I feel like I am worthless and a nothing and I can become depressed and feel suicidal quite quickly. 2. You fall in love very easily and too quickly.- Every time, every relationship, was a whirlwind romance and I was deeply in love with my fantasy of him very, very quickly and justifying any bad behavior to keep him on that pedestal and keep me in love. 3. When you fall in love, you can’t stop fantasizing—even to do important things. You can’t help yourself.- yup, as stated in last statement. 4. Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.- same as above. totally inappropriate partners who are dysfunctional, as I now see I am, and who will take advantage of me, and who are definitely not my equal. 5. When you are in a relationship, you tend to smother your partner.- I did do this when I was younger, I have learned in my people pleasing ways to not do this, most of the time, until the neediness builds up and I explode with needs. 6. More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to commit—hoping he or she will change.- lots of those, until it became too painful then it was committing myself to whomever would commit to me, even if they weren't someone I knew I would be happy with or who would meet my needs, who cares, they want to give me love and I need it so desperately I will take it. 7. Once you have bonded with someone, you can’t let go.-I honestly don't think I have ever gotten over any lover I have ever had or not had. any rejection in my life circles around and around in my brain. My loses haunt me. 8. When you are attracted to someone, you will ignore all the warning signs that this person is not good for you. - yup....in over my head far too fast and then I cannot let anything keep me from the chance to fulfill my dream that someone will finally love me and stand by me forever. never reject or abandon me. 9 Initial attraction is more important to you than anything else when it comes to falling in love and choosing a partner. Falling in love over time does not appeal to you and is not an option.- I never feel I have time. I am always afraid of it falling apart or me ending up alone so I must make it come together quickly and get us both in over our heads. The pain of this has to stop, at this point I have to stop, I need to stop, not sure I trust myself to do this but I am trying to connect with this forum and coda group and get my head on straight, please god, angels, anyone out there, help me stop and get my head on straight and be able to reject inappropriate people who want me and not get into something with someone soon, please!!! 10. When you are in love, you trust people who are not trustworthy. The rest of the time you have a hard time trusting people.- I know people, like my parents, will let me down, but yes, like a 5yr old I hope and pray this stranger will be the one person worth my trust, even with my time waited to build it and making myself far too vulnerable. 11. When a relationship ends, you feel your life is over and more than once you have thought about suicide because of a failed relationship.- I have some seriously low lows. Especially after my last engagement ended this Christmas. Cant stop thinking about suicide and wishing the pain would end. I wont leave my daughter here without me, I brought her here and I feel I need to be here to see her through this life, but my lows are low, I feel gutted quite frequently these days. 12. You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a relationship.- I did it all alone in my last relationship while he got a free ride, with parenting, finances, household stuff, it was truly a joke how much I let him use me. 13. Love and relationships are the only things that interest you.- yup, evn became a therapist. i am excellent at understanding other people, enough to take on their feelings, needs, life, and have none of my own. perfect rescuer. all my time is nurturing others and talking about relationships, at work and at home. 14. In some of your relationships you were the only one in love.- yup, while the other person was indifferent even. 15. You are overwhelmed with loneliness when you are not in love or in a relationship.- yup, i feel fear of being alone and death every night when i go to sleep. 16. You cannot stand being alone. You do not enjoy your own company.- i like time alone now more, as i get older, relationships are truly exhausting but i eat myself alive with criticism when i am alone. 17. More than once, you have gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being lonely.- yup, as discussed above. 18 You are terrified of never finding someone to love.- terrified!!!!! time is a wasting and i will die alone...yup...so scared without a man to love me it feels like my life will mean nothing. 19 You feel inadequate if you are not in a relationship.- yup, as above 20 You cannot say no when you are in love or if your partner threatens to leave you.- yup 21. You try very hard to be who your partner wants you to be. You will do anything to please him or her—even abandon yourself (sacrifice what you want, need and value).-yup, this is truly sobering and sad for me to read. 22. When you are in love, you only see what you want to see. You distort reality to quell anxiety and feed your fantasies.- i am incredible at justifying and explaining away the worst behavior. 23. You have a high tolerance for suffering in relationships. You are willing to suffer neglect, depression, loneliness, dishonesty—even abuse—to avoid the pain of separation anxiety (what you feel when you are not with someone you have bonded with).- yup 24. More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing.- yup 25. You love romance. You have had more than one romantic interest at a time even when it involved dishonesty.- YAY...ONE NO...I HAVE NEVER EVER CHEATED ON SOMEONE,I AM EXTREMELY LOYAL, TO A FAULT 26. You have stayed with an abusive person.- NOT PHYSICAL...but emotional, but I do have a line, thank god. after seeing my mom talked down to by my dad i will leave, but i move on fast and pine for the abusive jerk forever. 27. Fantasies about someone you love, even if he or she is unavailable, are more important to you than meeting someone who is available.- no, i want a real live person but i do carry torchs for other forever. 28. You are terrified of being abandoned. Even the slightest rejection feels like abandonment and it makes you feel horrible.- yup 29. You chase after people who have rejected you and try desperately to change their minds.- i use to but now i dont want to feel that low so i chase for a brief time and literally force myself to stop but i do track em on facebook and think about them still. 30. When you are in love, you are overly possessive and jealous.- internally yes but i never say anything or act it out, i act too cool, but internally i am terribly insecure and needy. i tell myself i am special and no one can be me to them so they wont cheat, but if they do, i have to leave as i give up myself enough in the relationship that infidelity makes me far too sick to stay. i give it all, as the people pleaser i am so cheating i cannot stomach. 31. More than once, you have neglected family or friends because of your relationship.- i see them, but less often as my family with my man comes first, so, without justifying, yes. 32. You have no impulse control when you are in love.- i have incredible control to act like someone i am not. someone perfect. but i gain weight from suppressing my needs nsd eventually it comes out. 33. You feel an overwhelming need to check up on someone you are in love with.- i work to trust, even when they dont deserve it. if i get to a place where i dont trust i walk away 34. More than once, you have spied on someone you are in love with.- never 35. You pursue someone you are in love with even if he or she is with another person.- never 36. If you are part of a love triangle (three people), you believe all is fair in love and war. You do not walk away.- never been in love triangle 37. Love is the most important thing in the world to you.- yes 38. Even if you are not in a relationship, you still fantasize about love all the time— either someone you once loved or the perfect person who is going to come into your life someday. -yes 39. As far back as you can remember, you have been preoccupied with love and romantic fantasies. -yes, since i was very, very young, i dreamed someone would make me feel special, love me, be loyal to me, id be there number one 40. You feel powerless when you fall in love—as if you are in some kind of trance or under a spell. -yes Read more: loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/thread/279/love-addict-40#ixzz2rYmRtfne
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 27, 2014 9:18:30 GMT -8
I just realized how sick I was and had all types of similarly sick POA: an avoidant; an ambivalent; and a hardcore Narcissist!
It's true that we attract our own kind. I was a hardcore Love Addict and Co-dependent who used to seek instant gratification and desperate to keep a relationship at all cost. Then I realized this is not the way to live. I was killing myself. I had no life. It was all about them. But they did not care about me. Why would they care about someone so desperate for their attention and company?
Then, I stopped chasing in vain my fantasy and went all-out to recover. I went through intense pain and withdrawal but it was all worth it. After I faced my issues and took responsibility for my recovery, things become manageable and life has never been better.
There is hope for you to recover. Just keep going and do what is best for you.
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Post by fivesisteranch on Apr 18, 2014 6:35:04 GMT -8
I am a love addict, but want to know how to avoid it? Please if anyone here can help me
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Post by James C T on Apr 18, 2014 10:52:51 GMT -8
I am a love addict, but want to know how to avoid it? Please if anyone here can help me Hi, Five Sisters. Please post in the Newcomers forum with a description of your situation and from there people will welcome you and suggest ways for you to recover. The Newcomers forum is here: loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/board/63/newcomers-introduce
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Post by fivesisteranch on Apr 20, 2014 5:21:33 GMT -8
I am a love addict, but want to know how to avoid it? Please if anyone here can help me Hi, Five Sisters. Please post in the Newcomers forum with a description of your situation and from there people will welcome you and suggest ways for you to recover. The Newcomers forum is here: loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/board/63/newcomers-introduceHello James C. T, Thanks for your help and suggestions. As a new member highly happy to get that kind of co operations and support.
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Post by fivesisteranch on May 7, 2014 10:55:08 GMT -8
I am 22 years old girl and have an affair of 45+ years old person.He is married and have daughter also. I want to far way from that person.Due to love addiction and have strong bond with that person its not easy for me to separate with him. Kindly guide me what should i do in this case.Please if anyone here can help me
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Post by latifah on May 12, 2014 2:17:17 GMT -8
I'm 23 and I'm a love addict. I have issues with connecting with men on a sexual level and never being able to let go then after. Please help
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Post by Loveanimals on May 12, 2014 7:40:25 GMT -8
Hi latifah, Welcome! Please feel free to introduce yourself and tell your story on the Newcomers board.
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