Post by dlbr on Oct 23, 2013 21:17:26 GMT -8
Hi.
I definitely am a codependent and I just figured out that I have a Love Addiction.
I don't know how to be anything other than what I am.
My father was an alcoholic in my younger days. Something happened when I was about 20 years old (and still living at home) that caused him to stop his drinking. When I compare him to some of his seriously alcoholic friends, he was tame compared to them. I remember they drank so much that they sweat the alcohol, their faces were always beet red, and they could barely walk or were always throwing up. He wasn't like that. He seemed to control and compose himself better than that.
My father was good at brainwashing me. He taught me from an early age that I couldn't be trusted, believed or relied on. He taught me early that I was disgusting and fat. As a teen I was a normal weight, but that was too much for him. At 5'8" he felt I should weigh 129 or less, that was the magic number. Once I hit that, he started an exercise routine for me. (200 jumping jacks, 300 sit-ups, 90 male or 180 female push-ups, 90 4-count leg-lifts, 90 8-count leg-lifts, etc.....) Soon exercise became punishment as well, it didn't leave bruises. He was a dictator who controlled what I ate, what limited freedom I had, and any decisions to be made pertaining to me.
Two days before my 21st birthday I learned I was pregnant. My mentality at that age was more like a 15 year old. Remember, I had no part of my life that I could control, he had all the control. They wanted me to give my baby to them or marry the father. Well, to me I wasn't giving up my baby, so that meant I was marrying the father. I went from one hell to another hell. Almost eight years I lived with a man who came from a well-off family, who in their own way made life hell. My family wasn't well-off, so that was one strike against me. My father had some bad business encounters with people they knew, that was strike-two. I didn't fit their idea of a spouse for their son, strike three. I left him after 8 years of marriage.
Two kids now, I moved back closer to home and my father promptly took control again. I qualified for food stamps and he took control over them, I had to "check-out" my food stamps and bring back receipts of how much I spent, plus the remainder. It all had to add up. He said I wasn't responsible enough to have food stamps and accused me of selling them. I had no clue how to do that, but that was his claim. By the way, I was 28 years old. I would meet my current husband 4 months after I left my ex-husband, and would be married again, less than five months later. I think I jumped into this second marriage because I was afraid of being alone. Now I feel like I am living in someone else's shadow, on a roller coaster where I have no control over anything.
So many of those 40 questions apply to who I was and who I am. I can no longer point the finger at those in my life who have done me wrong, I have to recognize my own part in all of this. Almost every one of those questions applies to me. Is this why my relationships fail? Is this why my relationships continue past their expiration date? Are my issues a big part of why they fail? Yes I've been cheated on, is that because of my insecurities and possessiveness issues?
As a codependent, I do manipulate things with my words and actions. I apologize abundantly for things I have and have not done. I let myself get walked on and bullied into doing things I don't want to do....and then I'm angry and resentful with myself and others for getting taken advantage of. I cannot quickly sum up how I fit into the signs of the love addict....there are too many.
I don't know how to change.... the behaviors that have been the only thing I've ever known. I don't know how to be different. I need a total overhaul here and I do not know where to start. I only know that I am ready for a change, no matter how great the task may seem. I don't want to feel like or be a victim. I want to discover and be "me."
I definitely am a codependent and I just figured out that I have a Love Addiction.
I don't know how to be anything other than what I am.
My father was an alcoholic in my younger days. Something happened when I was about 20 years old (and still living at home) that caused him to stop his drinking. When I compare him to some of his seriously alcoholic friends, he was tame compared to them. I remember they drank so much that they sweat the alcohol, their faces were always beet red, and they could barely walk or were always throwing up. He wasn't like that. He seemed to control and compose himself better than that.
My father was good at brainwashing me. He taught me from an early age that I couldn't be trusted, believed or relied on. He taught me early that I was disgusting and fat. As a teen I was a normal weight, but that was too much for him. At 5'8" he felt I should weigh 129 or less, that was the magic number. Once I hit that, he started an exercise routine for me. (200 jumping jacks, 300 sit-ups, 90 male or 180 female push-ups, 90 4-count leg-lifts, 90 8-count leg-lifts, etc.....) Soon exercise became punishment as well, it didn't leave bruises. He was a dictator who controlled what I ate, what limited freedom I had, and any decisions to be made pertaining to me.
Two days before my 21st birthday I learned I was pregnant. My mentality at that age was more like a 15 year old. Remember, I had no part of my life that I could control, he had all the control. They wanted me to give my baby to them or marry the father. Well, to me I wasn't giving up my baby, so that meant I was marrying the father. I went from one hell to another hell. Almost eight years I lived with a man who came from a well-off family, who in their own way made life hell. My family wasn't well-off, so that was one strike against me. My father had some bad business encounters with people they knew, that was strike-two. I didn't fit their idea of a spouse for their son, strike three. I left him after 8 years of marriage.
Two kids now, I moved back closer to home and my father promptly took control again. I qualified for food stamps and he took control over them, I had to "check-out" my food stamps and bring back receipts of how much I spent, plus the remainder. It all had to add up. He said I wasn't responsible enough to have food stamps and accused me of selling them. I had no clue how to do that, but that was his claim. By the way, I was 28 years old. I would meet my current husband 4 months after I left my ex-husband, and would be married again, less than five months later. I think I jumped into this second marriage because I was afraid of being alone. Now I feel like I am living in someone else's shadow, on a roller coaster where I have no control over anything.
So many of those 40 questions apply to who I was and who I am. I can no longer point the finger at those in my life who have done me wrong, I have to recognize my own part in all of this. Almost every one of those questions applies to me. Is this why my relationships fail? Is this why my relationships continue past their expiration date? Are my issues a big part of why they fail? Yes I've been cheated on, is that because of my insecurities and possessiveness issues?
As a codependent, I do manipulate things with my words and actions. I apologize abundantly for things I have and have not done. I let myself get walked on and bullied into doing things I don't want to do....and then I'm angry and resentful with myself and others for getting taken advantage of. I cannot quickly sum up how I fit into the signs of the love addict....there are too many.
I don't know how to change.... the behaviors that have been the only thing I've ever known. I don't know how to be different. I need a total overhaul here and I do not know where to start. I only know that I am ready for a change, no matter how great the task may seem. I don't want to feel like or be a victim. I want to discover and be "me."
