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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2013 7:50:43 GMT -8
I'm in my forties, support myself and not bad looking but keep getting hooked a recurring love avoidant. We have known each other for half our lives, when I don't want him he becomes a love addict then reverts to being a love avoidant when I pick up the love addict Batton. I have moved on only to have him chase me . its madness and I want to scream for him to let me go . I can't enjoy sex with him because I can't let go of myself, I'm so tightly meshed up in myself that I have to keep something back that's mine.
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 3, 2013 8:10:19 GMT -8
Welcome ripley, when you feel up to it, can you post your story in the Newcomers thread, and give us more of your story and what your recovery goals are?
Just from what you have shared this is the unhealthy traits of love addiction. It is a constant push and pull because we are scared to let go of the unhealthy relationship. And as long as we are getting some need met by this we will never let go. You say stop, and he panics and this is where all of the obsessions will start. We fear losing something or someone, and this is where all of this unhealthy behaviors come from.
And I do understand not being able to enjoy sex, when we have been lied too over and over again, and the trust is gone, it is hard to get intimate with someone at that point. We close our heart and we shut down our feelings because we cant deal with anymore pain.
So what steps do you need to take to move away from this person?
Recovery is about you now and not your poa (person of addiction).
Again welcome, we are all glad you are here.
Keep coming back, you will find a lot of knowledge and support on this forum.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 5, 2013 3:45:47 GMT -8
Some people use substances to avoid pain, others use others. I found a man who was way more messed up than me (I thought) as well as being interesting and attractive and funny. But way messed up. So handy to be able to avoid my own pain with the relationship with him. He was obviously the one with the problems, not me.
Boy was I wrong! Short version, spent 5 years trying to get him to be the man I thought i wanted. Realised I was driving myself into an early grave, or at least into a miserable non-creative life. It wasn't worth it and I left him and began my healing journey.
it's a long road. That's what the choice is around here, on Planet Earth. Heal or put it off. Love or wait. And love has to start with you. Do you love you? I didn't. I thought I was pretty worthless without him.
So that could be what's wrong with you too.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2013 7:36:14 GMT -8
I go for men who are not good looking so I have a leverage over them but it never works because I'm addicted to my POA at that time so feel inferior. I always want to apologise for not being enough or not sexy, witty or pretty enough . afterwards when I move on I look back at them and think I was more than good enough and believe I see myself differently with a love interest almost like I'm the same gawky teen I used to be with buck teeth.
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