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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 3, 2013 8:54:28 GMT -8
When I first got into AA 4 years ago, I thought I have good boundaries, but I did not, I would just go with the flow, and try to make everyone happy, and I was a people pleasers...all of this caused me to be lonely and always feeling very unhappy, people would always let me down because of my expectations of them. With setting and learning what my boundaries are, my life and my expectations of others has totally changed, and my life is a lot more peaceful. With setting my own boundaries, I also have learned how to respect other peoples boundaries as well. I would like to share this morning from my meditation, "Courage To Change", (Coda and Al-Anon) "Recovery has taught me the difference between walls and boundaries. Walls--are solid and rigid; they keep others out, and they keep me trapped inside. Boundaries--are flexible, changeable, removable, so it's up to me how open or closed I'll be at any given time. They let me decide what behavior is acceptable, not only from others but from myself. Today I can say, NO, with love instead of hostility, so it doesn't put an end to my relationship with others. (Unless the relationship needs to end). It is ok to change your mind as well, just because we agree to do something, does not mean we cant change our mind, this is our right to do this. I've learned about boundaries from my 12 steps programs and from being on this forum, and writing my list of what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in others that I do not like nor do I want to be around. When we set healthy boundaries, this will also cause us to start repairing and rebuilding our self worth and self esteem. Although their purpose is to protect ourselves, they will also encourage our growth in our recovery. This is true of my personal boundaries as well. As I decide what is and isn't acceptable for me, I learn to live protected without walls." "Today's Reminder" Do my defenses keep me safe, or do they isolate me? Today I can love myself enough to look for healthier ways to protect myself, ways that don't close everyone out. "People are lonely because they build walls instead of boundaries" Tolerance and patience of others, it does not mean we have to accept, unacceptable behaviors from others, we can walk away anytime. Attachments:
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Post by Loving My Life on Apr 14, 2014 5:00:57 GMT -8
Stop begging, chasing, and trying to force someone to be in your life who really should probably not be there in the first place. SEX DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE.... Men can have sex without feeling much emotions, it is sometimes a way for them to relieve stresses in their lives.. Women have sex too show how much they do love and care for this person, for that deeper emotionally connection.. We are different, so you really need to start asking yourself questions, about what is the relationship all about? The questions we should have asked from the start did not get asked, so now we are confused about everything, we have to start acting like the adult and take care of ourselves. You will never change someone by giving to them sexually, this does not keep a person interest for long, they will get bored and move on, if sex is all the relationship is built on, then there is no relationship, it is just sex. Relationships are so much deeper than just the sexually.. Intimacy, mutual respect for one another, Trust (how do you trust those who are having extra martial affairs? ) Knowing how to be friends first, allowing each other to be their own person, and having their own hobbies. (read about codependency) Read and get a lot of knowledge about what is going on with you. Stop comparing how your relationship and life should be based on hollywood movies, and fantasyland.. Know how you want your life to be, and make this happen for yourself, you are not a helpless, needy child anymore..you are an adult. Lastly, WE show people how to treat us, so if just settling for crumbs is what your okay with from your poa, well this is all you will ever get from your poa, being at your poa's beck and call for sex is not ever going to change this..never, it will always end the same way.. Attachments:
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Post by carito1988 on Apr 14, 2014 17:55:06 GMT -8
Another boundary I can relate for me, is the music ... I can say that other thing I can not control right now, is the music, all these love songs are terrible for me and they just activate my illness. Right now, I can not listen to that music.Sadly, because I like some songs but they are dangerous for me right now, so I will keep avoiding listen to them.
New life ... new music... new ideas.
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Post by pursuitofhappy on Apr 14, 2014 19:06:44 GMT -8
Try classical music or ambient music. no lyrics!
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Post by CodepNomore on Apr 14, 2014 20:01:20 GMT -8
Carito, same here. Music is such a trigger for me. My thoughts wander and get wild. While it is something I enjoy, I know my limitation and so I am avoiding it. I listen to good podcast instead.
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Post by carito1988 on Apr 15, 2014 19:30:06 GMT -8
Yes, actually I have noticed that I took the option to stop listen to music.. it has been a while since I do not put music when I am styding or working and it is better .. i will try classical music.. trank you  |
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Post by sleeplessinseattle on Apr 24, 2014 16:35:48 GMT -8
Another boundary I can relate for me, is the music ... I can say that other thing I can not control right now, is the music, all these love songs are terrible for me and they just activate my illness. Right now, I can not listen to that music.Sadly, because I like some songs but they are dangerous for me right now, so I will keep avoiding listen to them. New life ... new music... new ideas. Thank you for your post. Music really triggers me and I changed my Pandora station to classical after I read this. Much safer for me. |
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Post by carito1988 on Apr 24, 2014 19:22:10 GMT -8
Hi sleeplessinseattle, I am glad you like this post... it is been a while since I do not listen to music, it is better.. I think I am getting use to it .. but classical music is a very good choice or meditation music also.
Carito
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Post by carito1988 on May 7, 2014 18:10:21 GMT -8
Yesterday i saw a movie that actually i could not finished it... it was really heavy for me.. it was the history of a joung woman addicted to sex and other things who lived so terrible things for her addiction.
It is awful to see this knid of things but it is the reality i have lived too terrible things for this addiction. So what i have learned of this besides of the fear i have of living those things again... is to keep my recovery as my first priority and with it.. keep my boundaries.
I could not be able to be clean without my boundaries... maybe some people thinks i am really extremist .. but i am not.. i am just putting myself into a healthier path every second i can.
Carito
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Post by chrysalis on May 8, 2014 5:15:05 GMT -8
hi there Carito. I feel that it is good at this point to not to watch anything that triggers as I am going through that as well. I feel that it brings me back to a unhappy place filled with regrets and just sadness. Yet at times it reminds us of not wanting to ever be in that place again and to choose recovery over falling into addictive behaviour. It is good that you are keeping your boundaries. I wrote out my boundaries and values on a card and kept them in my wallet as so to remind myself should I triggered. This behaviour of mine may seem extremist to others but i am only concerned in doing things that would help me and keep me safe from engaging in debilitating behaviour. I feel that the kind of love addicted behaviour I was in was extremist behaviour. Good job Carito! One day at a time. |
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Post by Jacarandagirl on May 8, 2014 14:05:40 GMT -8
I wrote out my boundaries and values on a card and kept them in my wallet as so to remind myself should I triggered. That is a fantastic idea. This is the kind of commitment to recovery and understanding the nature of addiction that inspires me. Because the addicted mind has trouble with remembering this stuff when it counts! Chrysalis, can I ask what you had written on it? |
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Post by chrysalis on May 10, 2014 3:15:06 GMT -8
Thank you Jacarandagirl. I actually got the idea for Melody Beattie's book "More Lanuguage of Letting Go" where she provided phrases for saying No (as a codependent and people pleaser, I have such a hard time doing without feeling guilty). So I have a separate list of affirmations and setting boundaries for battling my codependent tendencies and another for setting boundaries for my love addiction. I found that it was difficult when I was out and about and seeing triggers almost everywhere. It could be seeing a couple or even a mixed race couple(as my ex POA was from a different race and I am typically attracted to men of a particular ethnic group) and it reminded me of my ex-POA. My thoughts would go to how it could have been whenever I see those couples and how much I wanted to be in a relationship like that. I got tired of it and really did not want to fight myself. So I wrote out some basic values about what I wanted in a relationship and why relationship based on just being with someone from a different race from mine was just not enough to set a foundation for a long term relationship. Some of it included (1) My beliefs and lifestyle are different from theirs (I place my Lord as my first priority and am working towards eliminating sense gratification in my life) (2) Prayer, meditation and chanting are the main interest areas in my life. (3) I am not interested in the conventional sense gratified life that involves just mating, eating, defending and sleeping(This is based on the regulative principles of the faith I am following). My partner and I are to grow together in God consciousness (4) The person needs to understand and accept my demisexuality and my need for space in the sexual sphere. These are the main beliefs I have whenever I find myself fantasizing about a guy on the train, or anywhere else for that matter. This list is based on the most important thing in my life and that is my spiritual beliefs and is based on the regulative principles on the faith I am following. It helps alot especially to stop the fantasizing and hankering for someone whom I do not even know. To really stop the mindless hankering and irrational longing over someone I just met, I have another "hardcore" list to be more firm with myself. A few of the items include: (!) I do not even know this guy. He might be married or has a girlfriend. (2) We may have different belief systems where there is no common ground (3) We have different sexual preferences(since demisexuality is kind of in the minority an in between asexual and sexual) (4) I might be hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Give myself a break and do something fun, that is why my addiction is acting up. To reassure myself, I have a small snippet of the 12 promises for love addicts where I pick the promises that calm me down the most: (1) I can be attracted to someone without falling in love overnight. (2) I can tell the difference between fantasy and reality Should I meet someone who aligns with my beliefs that is a guy who practices my faith as well then I have another list for that: of which I rated the most important: (1) He is not overseas. I do not do long distance relationships or relationships over the internet. (2) I would not be in a relationship with someone who has issues with his mother or ex which are not resolved. (3) I would not be in a relationship with someone who lies to look good or to put others down. (these are just some of the things I wrote down out of a longer list which I keep in a book. Over time I have added more affirmations and boundaries as I went through my recovery and found out what I really wanted in a relationship, changing some along the way. Sometimes I bring the notebook with me too, as I felt empowered and energized just to read what my values and boundaries are. It gave me hope as wel knowing that I do not need to be in a relationship just because I think everyone are, I just see it as a thing good to have and that people are together because they have more shared beliefs and interests as a couple to build a foundation on. I must thank Lovely June for the values and belief systems part. |
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Post by fufill on Apr 14, 2015 18:22:28 GMT -8
Love that attachment " loving my life
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