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Post by loveaddicted on Nov 5, 2013 9:52:49 GMT -8
I am not sure if I am the one to comment but will. If I were in your shoes and I was at one time. If someone doesn't have time to spend it with you then he is not worthy of you. Also if you see this up front and there is no give and take then if this is something non negotiable then I couldn't do it. I just know that I was in your shoes at one time and I dealt with it for seven years with the guys he hung out with and the work he had to do and this did not change. Made me miserable and unhappy and wasted seven years of my life. I just think there are things we can live with and things we can not. So that is my two cent worth. Everyone has to work but sometimes we need to consider what is important here and if it bothers you then from my past experiences I couldn't deal with it. It will just fester and make you angrier in the future if there is no compromises. loveaddicted.
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 5, 2013 10:27:39 GMT -8
Is the overtime mandatory? If that is the case he might not have a choice but to work.
And since he is working overtime, why don't you agree to meet him for dinner or something like that one night? Or take him dinner one night?
Show him your in this also, it is not all about him making time for us, sometimes we have to show them we care also.
Just a thought
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 5, 2013 10:40:36 GMT -8
I was not suggesting that you did not care, I was just giving you another option, if you wanted to see him and he was working overtime. I thought that sounded romantic. If would not hurt to offer. Men like to be pampered also, they want say that but the do.
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 5, 2013 11:43:06 GMT -8
I am sorry I did not know you had already taken off of work early in order to see him. Well I guess in this situation, I would not drive to him and offer dinner.
I think you did the right thing, sending him a email and clearing the air with him.
I just don't want you to over react and think this guy is not interested in the relationship if you don't see each other every week. Yes it is hard sometimes, but we have to compromise also. If this does become a habit and you are getting less and less of his time, then yes you two need to sit down and see where this relationship is going and what both of you expect.
Sometimes and I do this as well, we panic, and we can make problems for ourselves, where there are not problems.
That is all I am saying, I just don't want you to be hurt.
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 5, 2013 15:24:40 GMT -8
Maybe right now just let it simmer for 24 hours and don't say anything....I know when I do this the right answer will come.
Just let him work his ot, and let him come to you requin.
I know this is hard but just give it sometime.
And see why you are feeling what you are feeling?
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 6, 2013 5:01:11 GMT -8
Requin,
This is a classic case of differing values. You have a value, and it seems very important to you: to be close with your partner and to be chosen over [insert activity here]. He has a different value. He believes in minimal time spent with his partner and that other activities are sometimes more important. This is NOT an issue of him doing something wrong or you not being more accommodating. It's an issue of differences between you. And it's as simple as one of you liking chocolate and the other liking vanilla. Or one wanting to go to Disney, while the other wants to go to hiking in the mountains.
This brings you to the point of making a choice (we ALWAYS have choices):
a.) is the relationship worth you changing your value and accepting that this man will not always put you first? b.) Or, does your need for attention outweigh the importance of the relationship. Is your value more important and worth saving?
If you choose A, you adapt and try to work through your feelings. And here's a hint: you might think of choosing A if you are getting all your other values met and truly feel loved by this person. If you choose B, then you end the relationship. It will not survive your need for attention and that becomes more important.
The MAIN point here is that YOU are in the driver's seat. You have choices. And YOU decide what is right for you. But keep it simple. DOn't turn it into a love addict thing. Don't think you are wrong for wanting more attention. And don't think he is wrong for wanting more time alone. You are both different. The answer lies in what YOU can handle in an intimate relationship.
PS. I typed this without my glasses, so if I have any mistakes I can barely see!!! haha
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Post by iamastar on Nov 6, 2013 9:31:29 GMT -8
I've only read your initial post and the first few answers, but I'll chime in anyway. First of all, I very much believe that you should communicate your frustration to your partner. If he is willing to communicate and values perspective, then I wouldn't worry too much. I don't know his reasons for working overtime, but there could very well be some good ones among them - I wouldn't assume anything bad about his intentions if you guys are normally happy and stable together. If he completely disregards your feelings, it's quite another matter. I do believe that being unable to go for a week without seeing your partner is LA-ish. That's not to say that you can't miss him and look forward to your next meeting, but there is a HUGE difference in that, and then being in complete agony about it. I do miss my boyfriend a lot when we're not together, but it doesn't affect my daily life, I never sit around pining for him. I do believe that you will find a solution to this if you ask yourself honestly what your problem is.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 6, 2013 11:25:09 GMT -8
I do believe that being unable to go for a week without seeing your partner is LA-ish. Absolutely!!! That's why it's better to come here and get some tough love and sage advice, than create drama where there should be none. And yes, we do communicate well, and have discussed it, and will continue to do so. My theory is, if something is worth keeping, it is worth fighting for. That means not to run at the first sign of strife, but to work things out. Thanks for chiming in!! It all depends on what stage of the relationship you are in. In the beginning, a week is normal. I personally do not have sex until a guy has decided to be monogamous and talk each day. Codependency is tricky so you have to look within for the real answer. You can wait a week but obsess during that whole time. This is love addiction. A happy, fulfilled, single person has a full life and has to slowly make room for someone, so once a week is where you start. But if I were falling in love I would expect more frequent contact and I would only want to be with someone who is going at my same pace. Time lines are not written in stone. What is important is whether or not you are going at the same speed."]
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 6, 2013 11:27:14 GMT -8
Let's change the subject. What are you going to do while he is at work.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 6, 2013 11:41:45 GMT -8
Can you look at what you'd want from a relationship and then compare it to what you have and possibly face the sad truth that he simply may not possess what you're looking for in a guy? Not just "what you'd want." You may want your Imago or the wrong type. By now you should have a description of a compatible mate based on insights from Hendrix or Sills. We also have some ideas on this board about successful relationships. See, "The Ingredients of a Healthy Relationship."loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/board/75/successful-relationships-recovery
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Post by requin on Nov 6, 2013 12:17:12 GMT -8
Susan why did you post a picture of a stalker? Are you implying that's what I'm doing in my relationship? Absolutely not.
The picture was meant to be a woman walking away from a guy. I should have looked at it more closely. Susan
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Post by requin on Nov 7, 2013 13:21:14 GMT -8
Once we discussed it (the other night) I am fine with it. Part of the problem is texting. Texting can be so much fun, and keep people so close, but it can also be damaging for obvious reasons. In this case it caused trouble because his matter-of-fact and short text of "signing up for OT all this week" set me off, whereas when he explained it more on the phone, I was ok with it. So I suggested in future if he has something like this to 'spring' on me, it might be better to do so via phone or in person than via text.
As to what I've been doing all week, I've been fine. I don't normally go out on weeknights anyway and I have been relaxing at home, painting, having dinner, etc. He calls each evening. All is well.
We have, in our 6-month courtship, had a few "getting to know you" arguments/discussions which have brought us closer in the end. He's extremely devoted as am I. We want this to work. I'll be watching to see how things go re: his work and hobbies apart from me, and how I react to them, how they are presented to me, etc. It is not, at this stage, something I want to end the r'ship over. He's kind, thoughtful, and caring, and we are quite compatible in many many ways (yes Susan I did look at some of your material on healthy relationships).
We are in love, no doubt about that, so we both do want as much time as possible. But we aren't kids w/ little to no responsibility and I understand that when he gets the chance to make extra (easy) money working overtime, that should be ok, no threat to us, and I can find other things to do. I just overreacted.
It can be a fine line between addiction, and simply loving a person's company so much, that you really, really want them around. Love addicts have to be especially careful of this, of course. That's why I posted. Again, thanks to everyone who offered their thoughts.
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 7, 2013 13:34:23 GMT -8
I love how you talked this out..and yes if you need to vent please do it here and not with your new man.
Just breathe, identify why your feeling the way your feeling, and if you can wait 24 hours to respond...once you can slow your thoughts down you will be able to make the right decision.
Good job girl..glad there is a workable solution for you both.
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