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Post by liveandlovelife on Nov 6, 2013 0:26:39 GMT -8
Major discovery in begining recovery
So all this time I thought I was attracted to VERY FEW people. That I could go years with out being attracted to a single person. Maybe its anorexic. But inside myself is a burning flame for the POA loaded with a gazillion more hours of fantasy head time than the actual relationship ever experienced. I have spent more time with the torch than in the actual relationship. I wasn't open to finding someone new at all. No way with that tied up head.
Not sure if there are any other Torchbearers out there like this.
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Post by mixtapegirl on Aug 1, 2015 21:41:23 GMT -8
Yes, I know exactly what you are saying. I took a certain amount of pride in it, thinking I was somehow being "loyal" to my torchees and that made my "love" more legitimate than people who fall in and out of love all the time (but are in actual relationships.) I want so much to be done with my obsessive ridiculousness. It is so humbling for me to begin to honestly examine this unhealthy addiction I've indulged in all my life.
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Post by SandyLove on Nov 4, 2015 11:27:18 GMT -8
Me too. Same. My most recent POA, which was 4 years ago I think, we only spent about... i don't even know... maybe 12 days together spread out over a year, and even those days, it was only a few hours each day. I have been obsessed with this man for years now and to this day think about him every day. I have been keeping this alive by writing letters to him, lately almost every day (and not sending). Now I am committing myself to NOT WRITING ANYMORE LETTERS. And trying to move on past this obsession. There were other people before him also that I spent not so much time with with years of obsession. Let's hope we can all work together and help each other get over this.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 5, 2015 10:37:16 GMT -8
. I have been keeping this alive by writing letters to him, lately almost every day (and not sending). Now I am committing myself to NOT WRITING ANYMORE LETTERS. And trying to move on past this obsession. There were other people before him also that I spent not so much time with with years of obsession. Let's hope we can all work together and help each other get over this. Recovery is a process. You have to keep moving forward to get this guy out of your brain. I am thrilled you are going to stop the letters and go no contact. A letter that is not mailed is a tool early on in recovery, and it is meant to be one letter only. You are feeding your addiction after that. Here are the no contact rules just as a reminder, but what they have in common is no connection physically spiritually, emotionally, etc. The obsession in your head is the last to go. That requires "thought stopping." See the "Withdrawal: Educational Insights" for articles about this. Once again, congratulations. loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/thread/10393/12-contact-rulesPlease start posting about your recovery. Thank you.  |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 5, 2015 10:41:51 GMT -8
Are you sure. Our numbers are legion . . . Mark 5:9 And he answered, saying, "My name is Legion: for we are many."
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Post by Louise on Nov 5, 2015 14:22:33 GMT -8
Yes, I'm also someone who doesn't fall in love very often. But when I do, it takes ages to get over the relationship. Like a year, every time, no matter how short the relationship was. But I also have myself to blame somewhat. With the last two poa's I've had, I stayed in touch or tried to stay in touch, and when the other party wasn't having as much contact as I wanted to, I still believed in an imaginary bond between us. So I kept on adding to my own hurt. But I do notice, that I've gotten better, meaning that my latest poa problem has not been as all consuming, as the ones before that, when I didn't know anything about LA yet. Can't say I've gotten over it any faster though, but I've still only been learning.
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Post by SandyLove on Nov 6, 2015 7:59:14 GMT -8
We have a lot in common Louise . I am the same. I don't fall in love very often but when I do it takes years to forget and move on. This even happened when I was younger, I would have some connection with some person, and then they would go away or nothing would happen and I would fixate on it in my head for years. As I am older now I think it is worse. My last POA was more than five years ago. I still think about him almost daily. Little things though, I am not filled with as much rage as I was during my first year of recovery, but the memories still surface. Little things like I will fry an egg and think, I started frying eggs with him. I will buy a kind of smoothie and think, he bought me that kind of smoothie. I will walk by a restaurant ON MY BLOCK THAT I WALK MY ALMOST EVERY DAY and I will remember that is the restaurant we were in together at some point. I will go running on my run I have done for 10 years or more, past a monumument, and I will think that was the monument he climbed when we took a night bike ride by here one time FIVE YEARS AGO! I run by that run maybe 3 times a week for five years and I keep waiting for that memory to go away, Susan was helpful she said one day you will still have that memory and it will be nostalgia not pain. That is true. I still have these memories but they are more nostalgia not pain anymore. I have been reading about torchbearers here and they say we can only get over these memories through transference and I think that may be true. I spent about 1 year not dating in SLAA which was no problem for me since I am anorexic, but now "dating" since July or so, but what that means really is meeting various people one or a few times and deciding they are not right for me, over and over again. It's hard. But I still have hope and still keep trying. Sending love and support out to anyone else suffering from this. xoxo . |
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Post by leahb on Nov 6, 2015 8:39:38 GMT -8
I think the practice of disidentification would help a lot with this feeling. Many times these types of feelings come back when we think of the past. It's all about the present and moving forward.  |
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Post by SandyLove on Nov 8, 2015 4:04:16 GMT -8
leahb what is "disidentification"?
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Post by leahb on Nov 8, 2015 5:47:48 GMT -8
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