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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 10, 2013 8:12:18 GMT -8
When we are codependent and love addicts we have problems sometimes identifying healthy boundaries.
I am going to share this list of things to look for when you are dealing with a new love interest or just an acquaintance. This is from the CODA handout..
SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES:
1)Telling all about yourself when first meeting someone.
2)Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting with someone new.
3)Falling in love with a new acquaintance, when you don't really know this person.
4)Falling in love with anyone who reaches out to you.
5)Being overwhelmed by a person--preoccupied, obsessing about a future with this person, and you really don't even know them.
6)Acting on your first sexual impulses. You need to delay gratification.
7)Being sexual for your partner, and not yourself.
8)Going against personal morals & values or rights to please others.
9)Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries or behaviors.
10)Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that you don't want.
11)Touching a person without asking first.
12)Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.
13)Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.
14)Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.
15)Letting others direct your life.
16)Letting others define your reality.
17)Letting others define you.
18)Believing others can anticipate your needs.
19)Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.
20)Falling apart so someone will take care of you.
21)Self Abuse (emotional, mental, food, etc any addictive qualities)
22)Ignoring ourselves, and not taking care of ourselves first and foremost.
These are all signs of unhealthy codependency boundaries, and if we will look at this list, and think about this before we act, we can stop a lot of our pain, and we can questions ourselves about why this is happening, and we will always find the answers within ourselves.
To Thine Own Self Be True
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Post by Loving My Life on Mar 5, 2014 17:12:11 GMT -8
I wanted to revisit this thread, another member has asked something pertaining to this, and these are red flags that you might be experiencing unrequited, fantasy love, and it is only in your mind, and this is really not how the other person is really feeling.
Most times the other person, might just be, being nice and cordial. And nothing else.
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Post by Carito1988 on Mar 6, 2014 18:27:14 GMT -8
Thank you, Loving my Life, I will be looking this topics carefully, since I have many issues in setting boundaries with people.
Carito
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Post by Carito1988 on Mar 9, 2014 17:37:10 GMT -8
The first one you wrote is the one I am using right now. I used to talked everything of myself in the first meeting, and that is not correct, I wrote it in my cellphone so I can remember it every day and I will change this topic with the others ones you wrote continuously, Thank you.
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Post by ~w~ on Nov 2, 2014 15:36:33 GMT -8
When we are codependent and love addicts we have problems sometimes identifying healthy boundaries. I am going to share this list of things to look for when you are dealing with a new love interest or just an acquaintance. This is from the CODA handout.. SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES: 1)Telling all about yourself when first meeting someone. 2)Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting with someone new. 3)Falling in love with a new acquaintance, when you don't really know this person. 4)Falling in love with anyone who reaches out to you. 5)Being overwhelmed by a person--preoccupied, obsessing about a future with this person, and you really don't even know them. 6)Acting on your first sexual impulses. You need to delay gratification. 7)Being sexual for your partner, and not yourself. 8)Going against personal morals & values or rights to please others. 9)Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries or behaviors. 10)Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that you don't want. 11)Touching a person without asking first. 12)Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting. 13)Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving. 14)Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you. 15)Letting others direct your life. 16)Letting others define your reality. 17)Letting others define you. 18)Believing others can anticipate your needs. 19)Expecting others to fill your needs automatically. 20)Falling apart so someone will take care of you. 21)Self Abuse (emotional, mental, food, etc any addictive qualities) 22)Ignoring ourselves, and not taking care of ourselves first and foremost. These are all signs of unhealthy codependency boundaries, and if we will look at this list, and think about this before we act, we can stop a lot of our pain, and we can questions ourselves about why this is happening, and we will always find the answers within ourselves. To Thine Own Self Be True
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Post by ~w~ on Nov 2, 2014 15:38:48 GMT -8
This is my plan off action for a week! To writte my unhealthy boundaries in personal journal. God i love it! Somehow it feel great , brain preocuppied and intigued:)bless you all great minds.
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Post by leahb on Jun 30, 2015 15:31:26 GMT -8
Thank you for posting this Loving My Life... I was engaging in some of these behaviors this past weekend. Thank you for increasing my awareness around such things. I will be more vigilant about monitoring for these in the future. I overshare like crazy and it's not healthy.
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Post by leahb on Sept 14, 2015 18:36:50 GMT -8
I came to a realization the other day when with my family of origin. No matter how much I feel they have changed and that they are now respecting my boundaries-if I open up a little-they really try to pry all the way in and it drains the life out of me.
They expect full access to my life and I sometimes slip and let them know too much information. Then, the cycle repeats. My Mother will ask prying questions, state things that unknowingly are hurtful and my feelings get hurt all over again. I can not change her behaviour, but I can change how I engage with her and how I perceive our interactions. I just get so excited when things are going well in life (I have a job interview this week and I'm in a supportive relationship) and when they ask me what's going on, I want to let them in, but the thing is-I can't. They get very intrusive and I let it happen. I'm just as much to blame as they are. I've been really good with not answering their texts or phone calls, but when I'm in person with them, I think I need to go back to spending max 2 hours with them at a time. That way I can keep the focus on them and current events and off me and my life. I guess there is still a part of me that wants that unconditional love. I just have to accept that they can not give what they don't have.
I do understand that my Mother went through a lot when she was a new mom, but I can not excuse her behaviour. I can understand and empathize, but I don't have to give her a pass on how she treated me. What she did hurt and it continues to hurt at times. My Father isn't as cruel, but he just stood by while it all happened and if I tell him anything, he runs off and tells my mother. They are one entity and that's that. Heavily enmeshed.
I do miss my brother, but he still lives with them and that relationship has been the price I had to pay to maintain healthy boundaries.
Sometimes recovery feels so effortless-like its the right thing to do and it feels so good. Other times, it feels as if I am defying what society has taught me about valuing and respecting parents.
My goal is to make peace with this whole situation and try to figure and feel it out. I know when I leave my parent's house, the next day I feel drained. Sucked dry. And that doesn't feel good. That's all I know for sure.
Thanks for reading.
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Post by Louise on Oct 12, 2015 6:57:52 GMT -8
I'd like to add one thing to the list: oversharing not only your own stuff, but also private information of friends, i.e. gossiping. I'm guilty of many of these things. Like number 10: at some point I counted, that more than half of the people I've slept with, I didn't really want to sleep with. ... Luckily I can now say this was more of an issue when I was younger and nowadays I wouldn't sleep with someone I don't want to sleep with. Definitely numbers 15 to 17. I've been getting better though! I'm keeping a friend, who used to pressure me into things, at a distance these days. I acknowledge my mothers very dominant opinions about things I do, but mostly don't let her tell me what to do anymore. I see how she bases a lot of her opinions on fear and I myself don't want to base my decisions on fear, but rather see life as exciting opportunities. Not much good can come from acting out of fear! Yes, you might stay alive, but that's about it. I also have a friend who, even though she has a boyfriend, likes ALL nice and good looking men who she knows. Whenever she suggests, that some guy might be suitable for me, it's most certainly a dude, who isn't interesting at all and who she would therefore generously allow someone else to have. Why have I let her behaviour bug me so much, when it's her quirk and doesn't really have much to do with me? It's because I've sort of half been buying into letting her define my worth: that I should only be interested in these guys who aren't interesting to me at all, and keep my hands off the good ones. I'm happy I've figured this one out, because maybe now I can see it for what it is: her issue, not mine, and not be affected by it.
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Post by loveelleng on Jun 12, 2017 18:14:26 GMT -8
I'd like to add one thing to the list: oversharing not only your own stuff, but also private information of friends, i.e. gossiping. I'm guilty of many of these things. Like number 10: at some point I counted, that more than half of the people I've slept with, I didn't really want to sleep with. ... Luckily I can now say this was more of an issue when I was younger and nowadays I wouldn't sleep with someone I don't want to sleep with. Definitely numbers 15 to 17. I've been getting better though! I'm keeping a friend, who used to pressure me into things, at a distance these days. I acknowledge my mothers very dominant opinions about things I do, but mostly don't let her tell me what to do anymore. I see how she bases a lot of her opinions on fear and I myself don't want to base my decisions on fear, but rather see life as exciting opportunities. Not much good can come from acting out of fear! Yes, you might stay alive, but that's about it. I also have a friend who, even though she has a boyfriend, likes ALL nice and good looking men who she knows. Whenever she suggests, that some guy might be suitable for me, it's most certainly a dude, who isn't interesting at all and who she would therefore generously allow someone else to have. Why have I let her behaviour bug me so much, when it's her quirk and doesn't really have much to do with me? It's because I've sort of half been buying into letting her define my worth: that I should only be interested in these guys who aren't interesting to me at all, and keep my hands off the good ones. I'm happy I've figured this one out, because maybe now I can see it for what it is: her issue, not mine, and not be affected by it. all the people i slept with , i really dont want
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Post by stepsandnumbers on Jul 23, 2017 6:01:50 GMT -8
Codependency and Clinging
Last night I drank more wine than usual and ended up messaging two former friends, both men. The reason this bothers me this morning is because I know I was crossing my boundaries. One guy I was congratulating on an upcoming wedding. The other, a former coworker, I was messaging about a local property. In both cases, "excuses" for initiating unnecessary contact. Both messages were short and not oversharing or being over-familiar, but I had to question why I did this in the first place.
I can't let go of these two friends because, at times, I had the belief that I was helping them and they were supporting me at a time when I was very codependent. They played into my patterns of overvaluing male friendship and attention. I want to let go of them. I recognize my need to keep checking to see if these relationships exist by contacting them and seeing if they respond does not line up with who I want to be. That came out because my inhibitions were down. But those urges are still there. That deep compulsion to cling to them and think we're still friends when in reality, our lives have drifted apart and there is no reason to continue contact. I feel embarrassed because I'm aware of my unhealthy, clingy behavior and think they might be able to see through my "platonic" messages for what they really are - needs for affirmation.
I can't keep holding on to things that are of no benefit to me. I'm going to pray about my codependency and that my HP takes away my clinginess and embarrassment about it.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 23, 2017 9:00:11 GMT -8
Codependency and Clinging They played into my patterns of overvaluing male friendship and attention. I'm going to pray about my codependency and that my HP takes away my clinginess and embarrassment about it.
When I grew up I hated myself. I hated my mother. I hated the girl who bullied me every day. So my best friends was a guy. Of course after 10 years of friendship I ended up romanticizing the relationship and obsessing. At parties you always hanging out with the guy. I actually hated women and thought men were superior to women. In recovery I resolved all these issues and now I love being a woman, I confide in my women friends and I believe that the Holy Spirit is a personified woman. I think this is all pare of being a wounded girl with a mother who abandoned her and a father who gave her too much attention. . Being is a trap. It is counter productive. Instead be PROUD of figuring all this out so you can do better next time. Praying is essential (7th Step) but you also have move on from that and not get stuck. I say this because I have been praying for God to remove my temper for 33 years and I just finished yelling at my sister. I am not sure what to do when you pray and still don't progress. They say in AA that God does not remove all of our shortcomings but my partner is dying of cancer and I want to be nice to him. I realize I am high jacking this thread for my own issues, but maybe someone can learn from this. I am never going to give up on trying to change, but sometimes it is really hard.
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