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Post by iamastar on Nov 10, 2013 16:31:49 GMT -8
Hey paisly.
I just wanted to say that I don't believe that this is your fault at all. You said that you "can't believe that you are still this damaged". I understand how it's easy to assume that your grandmother and this mans behavior is about you, but it's not. Furthermore, I think it's too early to tell with this guy.
You also say "Why on earth can't I just have a somewhat normal relationship with a decent man". I don't really know where that came from. You're single, you're happy about it, you're living your life. Nothing has changed, except for your thoughts about it. If this guy is really doing hot and cold behavior, you can just place a boundary and move on. I sense some eagerness in the fact that you are now wanting to call him... You already texted and said you wanted to make plans. So just wait, and continue to live your life as if nothing has really changed, because in reality, nothing has.
Lots of light.
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FlowersForever
Junior Member
Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man, that he didn't, didn't already have
Posts: 53 
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Post by FlowersForever on Nov 10, 2013 22:29:57 GMT -8
Paisley, Thanks for sharing all this... It is so helpful for those of us that will face these scenarios in the future. The way I see it, you are doing some very healthy things for yourself.. You are noticing red flags (the non-responsiveness, his inconsistent message of "lets stay in touch" but then he doesn't follow thru, the sadness/disappointment he is causing) and you are in touch with and cognizant of the stress this situation with your grandma is causing. Also you are feeling your feelings (vs denying, going numb, medicating, etc). If this guy is bad news and you are able to stem the relationship early based on detection of (and heeding) red flags, then all this work you have done these past several months illustrates that it is working for you. I am sure you will hear from him eventually and find out why he hasn't contacted you as he should have (I concur about common courtesy, especially from the guy who initially apologized for taking so long in getting back to you when it had only been a few hours). I will be interested to hear if it will be a lame excuse or not. In an earlier post you wrote about the two gentlemen callers "no red flags yet, but i am looking for them and I am ready/willing to protect myself if I need to." That same woman is now seeing the flags waving and is preparing to protect herself (hooray!). You made yourself a little bit vulnerable (which is ok) and now you are hurt (which is normal)... but you are taking care of yourself and will use your boundaries (vs walls) to keep yourself safe. If you decide to accept his apology (no doubt, one is coming) and give him another chance; then no doubt you will proceed with caution, taking it so slowly and being wiser and even more prepared for whatever may come (from this guy, or the next one). You have your values to guide you; you have your bottom line behaviors to consider, you have other tools to keep you safe and enable you to detect and prevent getting in too deep and spending way too long in a relationship with someone who is unhealthy. Thanks again for sharing, I imagine most of us want to get back out there at some point, do it is helpful to share your experience of putting the toe in the water. Sincerely, FF Attachments:
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Post by iamastar on Nov 11, 2013 11:56:16 GMT -8
Way to go paisly! From what I'm hearing, you are doing really well.  |
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Post by havefaith on Nov 11, 2013 12:23:45 GMT -8
paisley, you wrote, "It can sneak up and grab you at any time...no matter how recovered and prepared you think you may be."
Just today, I had a therapy appt with my psychiatrist and mentioned those times when I feel vulnerable and on the edge of acting out. I asked him when I'll be "all better and cured" to which he responded that for addicts, the key word is recoverY, not recoverED. For most, the process is ongoing.
Addiction, like you wisely noted, can quickly "sneak up and grab you at any time." Are there addicts who are truly 'recovered?' Perhaps. As for me, I am in recovery. "This stuff is no joke" indeed. Rigorous honesty (with myself, my psychiatrist, with others) and consistently working my program of recovery (no resting on laurels) is absolutely necessary to stay sober and move forward towards emotional well-being.
HaveFaith
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Post by requin on Nov 12, 2013 8:44:09 GMT -8
Havefaith, I agree. Once an addict, always an addict. This is why I have trouble constantly w/ the word "recovery" when it comes to love addiction. We never 'recover'...we learn to handle it, cope, manage, etc but we don't 'recover' as in getting over a broken leg. It can recur AT ANY TIME w/ the right triggers. Paisley, thanks for sharing that story. Honestly when you said the guy texted you to hope your grandma had a happy b'day, a red flag went right up. To me that signalled, "Player." Especially when you said it 'melted you a bit'. Because really, the guy hardly knows you; it's a classic move to immediately feign interest in a person's family to get a foot in the door. I know that's just my opinion on that, but in my experience that kind of thing is usually insincere IF spoken too early in a r'ship. Have you heard anymore from Mister Hot Then Cold? Kudos to you for sticking to your resolve not to let this get you down. I sure would feel like you did!! We meet someone we finally really like, think things are going to go well, then ....nothing. The big question I always ask is, "Why??" Why all the texts and apparent interest, then it all stops. Doesn't make sense except as they say in the book, "he's just not into you" and it's sad and terrible and all wrong but it is what it is.  When I met my current guy at an outdoor concert and we hit it off really well (so I thought), we texted that night and the very next day he texted asking me out again that night. (!!!) I was amazed and surprised, because I thought "the rule" was to wait a few days...but he didn't care about any silly rules..he was interested and showed it. I didn't have to wait, agonizing and wondering...and yes, I WOULD have agonized. I was so into the guy when we met, it was criminal. So there's no doubt, when a man wants a woman, he will show it. I wasn't sure it could ever really happen, but it did, and it will for you too. Good for you for your strength and maturity and ability to see this situation for what it is. Hang in there.... (By the way, I hate to admit, I know I am now addicted to my manfriend...it's been 6 months, and every time we have an argument, I panic, all the old LA symptoms come roaring into play. Recovered? No way...but plugging along using what I've learned here and elsewhere, to try to behave and help the relationship work.) |
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Post by requin on Nov 12, 2013 15:07:28 GMT -8
Re: your last line...no kidding eh!!? I agree w/ all your thoughts and I'd be in the same boat as you. Let's face it..you are human,you like this guy,you want to see him again. Any number of things could be the cause of his lack of response and it's likely the real reason is something you never even thought of. That is what usually happens to me; I analyze and guess things to death when I don't hear from a guy and then the real reason is something else! So...I'd say, if I were you in this situation..go for it, but definitely try to find out what happened w/ the unanswered text. Because obviously if he says something like, "Oh yea I got your text." and then says nothing in the way of why he didn't reply, or if his answer sounds fishy....well, you've got more ammo to decide what to do about him. But if he has a good reason that rings true, or never got them....well then who would look like the bad guy running off, right?  If he didn't get your texts it might actually work out in your favor because it would look like you weren't jumping all over the chance to see him again. Not that there's anything wrong w/ that but it would prove even more that he wants more time w/ you, since he came around even after (presumably) not hearing from you. Right? I was actually gonna suggest in my first response to perhaps give it a bit more time (to hear from him) because I know from my own experience w/ guys how things do come up. On the other hand if he's "sooo busy" that he can't reply to texts (which could be a reason (more like an excuse) that he gives you) that would be a huge red flag for me. But he could really have had a valid reason so I was gonna suggest, just wait a bit...BUT I really didn't believe any reason short of the submarine (lol) was a good enough one to avoid texting someone--I mean heck it takes all of a few seconds to dash a text off. So I didn't say anything after all! (in my first response). Anyway I'm glad you heard from him, I'm sure you are relieved and happy, it's ok to admit that even on this forum I think I hope it all goes well and he's got a good sane and valid reason for making you wonder! |
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Post by loveanimals on Nov 12, 2013 23:08:11 GMT -8
Hi paisley,
I'm so sorry to hear that this happened with your Grandma. That must feel very frustrating, yet know it's about her, not about you! You are trying to help her out, yet as I have seen with friends with Grandparents, many times they don't want to leave their homes and their security even though they are not set up to live alone. Perhaps she can get some caregiving help instead?
I actually went through a similar situation hearing crickets after being excited over a new interest, and it was very upsetting.
It shows how vulnerable our Love Addiction is, and how we must keep a constant vigilance and watch at it. To not take rejection personally.....yet we as love addicts, we will text our interest or POAs back even if we're in the hospital! They on the other hand, if they are sick or preoccupied, may forget about the texts and wait to reply. Or they don't think that constant communication is as big of a deal as it is for us because the "ding" of the text gives us that dopamine high!
Yet it sounds like you are doing well to notice these signs and watch them!
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 13, 2013 3:51:46 GMT -8
I'm disappointed at how quickly I was sucked in and got myself worked up over this guy. This is love addiction. Pure and simple. We get sucked in fast because, dare I say it, we have no life!!!! Or want another one desperately. Ouch!!! That hurts to hear. In fact, if you want to be defensive, I am probably completely wrong. You have friends, you have a career, you know how to spend time alone… And yet, at the first sight of a cute guy, you throw your whole world away to be with this person. This person is "the one." And all your emotions are tied up with whether he calls, texts or whatever… (of course, that's an exaggeration, but you get the point). Trust me, I have been exactly where you are. And I beg you…DO NOT CALL THIS PERSON. Text back ONLY when he texts. Let him pursue you. Yes, I know that sounds counterintuitive to the strong, go-getter that you are. But you're a love addict. Learn patience. Learn to be pursued. How do you do that? Sit back and live your life, and be zen about whether he comes or goes. Do not care if he texts. For all you care, it's a nice addition to your already complete, full, joyous life that you're not going to stop living. And if he doesn't text, then so be it. You have living to do! You are on the path that you have created for yourself and if he doesn't see your beauty or want to be on that path, SOMEONE ELSE WITH BETTER SENSE WILL SEE IT... You see, what is happening is that you are not living in the Now, an EXTREMELY valuable PLACE for love addicts to be who need to overcome fantasy and don't want to get "quickly sucked in" to something or someone. Here's a story to illustrate: A package has come to your front door from an undisclosed sender. The package does not look too commercial. It looks personal. You're intrigued. You go to open it, but the doorbell rings. It's one of your friends, asking you to go out. You do so, begrudgingly, because you'd rather stay home and open that package. The entire time you are out with your friend, all you are thinking of is that package!!! The curiousity is killing you. WHat the heck is it??? A gift? Money? Did a secret admirer send it? You envision that it might be a package from a man you loved many years ago, reaching out to you again, with a gift of friendship. In fact, you're sure that's what the package is. By the time you get home and say goodbye to your friend you have no idea what transpired at lunch. You were there, physically with your friend, but not emotionally. Not mentally. But who cares…you can now go home and unwrap that gift!
Much to your surprise and disappointment, the contents of the package turn out to be the special-order lightbulbs you bought two weeks ago from someone on eBay. And while you're mildly happy to see them--you're house has been a bit dark without the lightbulbs-- you are greatly disappointed that you had been so wrong. Worse yet, is that you wasted all that time and energy over a package and have no clue what you and your friend talked about. No bonding happened, no enjoyment, no real-life pleasure between two friends out for lunch. Why? Becasue your mind and your expectations were elsewhere. And so you lost out on the true beauty of the day.
Moral of the story: a package is JUST a package until it's opened. Why get excited until you know the contents? And trust me, in applying this anology to your story of this new guy, it takes a LONG time to get to know if someone may be right for you. Stay in the now. A text is nice. But it's not the answer to all your prayers. YOU are the answer to all your prayers. And when you continue to funnel all that wonderful love and energy into making your life rich, people will see it and feel it and YOU will benefit greatly whether people come or go… |
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Post by requin on Nov 13, 2013 5:17:39 GMT -8
Hm..I dunno LJ. On the one hand I agree wholeheartedly w/ everything you said. But on the other hand, a non-love-addict would also get excited about meeting someone new, be excited and hopeful when that person showed interest, and be disappointed when the interest seemed to stop. A non-love-addict would still wonder why the texting/calls stopped.
I also do not agree completely w/ the "let the man do the chasing" thing. I do believe (as indicated in my comment above) that when a man is interested he will come around (do the chasing, as it were) but I do not believe in the notion that women should not pursue. Because in this day of political correctedness and "equality" some men won't pursue because they're expecting the woman to! Not exactly the type of guy I myself would go for perhaps, but who knows. For this subject I think every situation might be different and personally I think it would be ok for Paisley to contact this guy if she wanted to. That's JUST MY OPINION.
As far as having no life...that's a bit harsh. Paisley is building a great life and I do not agree w/ that in her case. The point though is a great one and one I need to implement because no one has less of a life than i do!!
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 13, 2013 5:47:45 GMT -8
We are trying to rebuild our self-esteem and self-worth through this process of recovery and discovery, and it is not about not having a life, we all have a life and we are living our life, one day at a time.
Everyone perception of how a life should look is vey different, it is all about being comfortable in your own skin, and then you would be happy then living in a cardboard box, because happiness is at the core of your being. imho
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Post by requin on Nov 13, 2013 8:30:59 GMT -8
My conversation with myself has been all about deciding that unless I'm cool with letting him go, I can't date him. I can't go forward if I don't feel strong enough and grounded in reality enough to shut it down if need be. Very very good advice to give yourself. [Something I need to learn to do, but not there by any stretch.] Definitely key to not becoming addicted. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 13, 2013 9:07:33 GMT -8
I want to just make two points to requin just to clarify: 1. Yes, healthy people would definitely be excited about the possibility of a new relationship if they were looking. But a healthy person would not throw their whole world away to be with this person, think this person is "the one" and spend all their time fantasizing about why he or she did or didn't call. Life would still go on. And so my advice to paisley is advice to a love addict, not someone who has a healthy grasp on "dating" and let's face it, these initial stages are both tenuous and meaningless. Trust me. So, my advice is be zen, and try to keep focused on your life because right now, your emotions are running too high. When you are dealing with extreme emotions, sometimes the opposite extreme is called for--only until emotions and behaviors level out and become healthy--and they will!!! But we must all do our time and be patient. And… 2. I want to say it again, DON'T PURSUE. I know, I know. We have a million really good excuses for pursuing and reaching out to someone--we are extroverted, we are women, we don't believe in any double standards! ANd so on….but reaching out and pursuing a *new" partner as a healthy person is a very different story than pursuing a relationship as a recovering love addict. We cannot (just yet) approach relationships like healthy people until we are, within ourselves, healthy. If we do, we run the risk of "pushing" the relationship along too fast, or trying to get our "fix" too early. By the way, I have given this SAME advice to men love addicts. We need to learn patience. We need to learn to stop manipulating people and controlling people and getting what we want to fill a need. And so not reaching out, at least for a little while, in the beginning, teaches us self-control. It has nothing to do with feminism. Instead, it teaches us to experience the world from someone else's perspective, it teaches us how little control we have over others. ANd it teaches us to better gauge THEIR level of interest in us. I am not telling you to play games or simply not respond. I am telling you that one of the best ways to ease your way back in to the dating world after some recovery work is to let others do the pursuing for a while. |
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Post by requin on Nov 13, 2013 9:55:01 GMT -8
Thanks LJ. Very good advice indeed. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 13, 2013 11:53:19 GMT -8
And btw, Paisley, great advice you are giving yourself! Go slow. But remember, and this is going to sound counterintuitive, people are supposed to run hot and cold in the beginning and that includes YOU. And what I mean by that is that it's too early for this man to be texting you consistently. It's too early for him to be blown away by you and totally into you. That's the fantasy. When a man or woman falls that quickly or responds that quickly, it's a red flag. Dating is NOT romantic. It's NOT a relationship…yet. It could be. But right now, it's just an awkward question mark. Yes, respect and kindness is always important. Look out for that. But he doesn't owe you anything just yet--like consistent texting. Nor do you owe him. All the more reason to hold your head up, be your wonderful self and don't forget your life to fall back on. |
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Post by loveanimals on Nov 13, 2013 23:00:29 GMT -8
This is true, and many times we wrap ourselves around the high of a new guy because we haven't learned the way to deal with or process painful emotions like rejection, the day to day grind of living.
We look for the new guy for "excitement" just like someone wants to take a drink.
I can't tell you how bored I felt when my phone wasn't showing texts for months!! I even dreamed of texts that were nonexistent! Because just working and doing chores was not exciting enough.
Yet good for you for recognizing it early on, that is progress within itself!
I remember a therapist said that if I can see my behavior as being unhealthy and catch it even after the fact, that's better than blindly going through unhealthy behavior....then I'll be able to catch it before it happens, and then stop altogether.
Eating and love addictions are tough because we can't just give up the substances for the rest of our lives, we have to learn a healthy balance!
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 15, 2013 4:38:44 GMT -8
I decided not to confront him about the missed text. I simply did not see a good way to go about it that made me feel good. He certainly does not owe me anything and I don't want to start upping the ante right now. It just seems unhealthy to dwell on it or ask for an explanation. I'm dropping it, but will certainly take note if I see any more evidence of being treated poorly. Maybe part of the issue was me expecting the compulsive texting and then not getting it. He's not that guy. He picks up the phone and dials it when he has something to say and I'm also seeing that form of communication as more productive and healthy so I'm returning calls (or answering) instead of shooting him a text. Awesomeness!!!! Good for you. You let your brain take over where your emotions wanted to, but you didn't let them. When I met D in the beginning he rarely texted and never called. The whole relationship was lacking in that "urgency" of new love. I found it to be strange and thought something was wrong. But I knew that as a love addict, I was only used to unhealthy relationships starting off with major intensity. It took awhile for me to get used to a slower, less drama-driven pace and to recognize that less chaos and emotion was better. It didn't mean less passion! It simply meant less drama. |
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Post by Little Fox on Nov 18, 2013 13:41:27 GMT -8
Wow, this thread is pure gold for me right now. All of it.
I am in a similar situation as I have fallen for someone and we've been tiptoeing around each other since June, I have been fantasizing but not actually pushed/pursued anything even though I had wanted to. Then we had a very passionate week where we saw each other every day, confessed our mutual love and I simply let go of all cautions and boundaries. Same goes for him, he told me very intense things about his feelings. So after this, I had expected we would stay in constant touch and be able to talk openly and no longer hold affection back. Since then... crickets. And me going through all the phases: panic, anger, then acceptance and zen.
I am slowly arriving in that calm phase of focusing on my life, allow me the occasional realistic fantasy, think of him as a dear possibility (instead of a life deciding necessity). I know by now that he still feels the same about me, but my goal is to not let it fall me back into contacting him first. Let him come. Or not.
So I feel with you and your story, Paisley. We are too ready to dive into things head over heel, but also too ready to call it a fail. So big kudos for your calm reaction, your cool head, your open mind and your honesty with yourself.
Passion versus drama...
Men in USA versus Latin America...
Healthy giddy feelings versus addictive unhealthy giddyness...
These are exactly the questions that are running through my head at the moment. I live in Finland and here the men are even more angsty, shy and guilt- and fear ridden. The young ones especially (I'm in love with a young finn). So where do we draw the line? How much patience do we have until we reclaim our hearts and move on? Or is it okay to just leave something in the open, remove the urgency, remove the panic and find some serenity instead? All very valuable questions.
"A package is just a package until we open it." I'm going to mentally tattoo this on my arm.
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 18, 2013 15:24:44 GMT -8
I am slowly arriving in that calm phase of focusing on my life, allow me the occasional realistic fantasy, think of him as a dear possibility (instead of a life deciding necessity). I know by now that he still feels the same about me, but my goal is to not let it fall me back into contacting him first. Let him come. Or not... So where do we draw the line? How much patience do we have until we reclaim our hearts and move on? Or is it okay to just leave something in the open, remove the urgency, remove the panic and find some serenity instead? All very valuable questions. . Littlefox, aren't you still married? I think you need to focus on what to do with that, before moving on to entertaining other ideas. |
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Post by Little Fox on Nov 18, 2013 22:29:29 GMT -8
Technically the divorce won't be valid until February (because of finnish divorce laws and the mandatory "reconsideration phase"). Mentally I have not regret that step ever since and the main reason we are still in couple's therapy is to get to the bottom of what went wrong in order to find a peaceful way to deal with each other in future (we have a daughter) and to close the chapter with no regrets. The chance that because of my therapy I will suddenly learn to love him again or put any realistic hope into repairing things are minimal. The only reason I don't write "never" is because I'm not 100% sure if I know myself. But I feel absolutely no regrets or the need to get back into the marriage right now and for the last months.
Sorry for the hijack, I might discuss this further in my journal.
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Post by iamastar on Nov 19, 2013 16:48:57 GMT -8
Great that you are finally getting some closure/peace of mind. I was dating a man some time ago, and I thought it had great potential, but it also kinda ended before it started... I was very sad then, but when I look back at it now I believe it was only because fate had something far better in mind for me (and not just with men, mind you). It's okay to be dissapointed and maybe even a little sad. We do put ourselves out there when we date, and it is always at the risk of getting our fingers burned. But, because you are in recovery and taking care of you, it was just your fingers. So be proud and grateful about that, and continue the awesome work you are doing. There's another day tomorrow, and there will be other dates in the future. Lots of light. |
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Post by havefaith on Nov 19, 2013 18:29:44 GMT -8
paisley, that shows recovery at work when someone can say to you, 'stay tuned' and you are able to dismiss it as a casual, non-committal statement. A statement like that could easily trigger a non-recovered, active Love Addict into a state of (false) hope and obsession.
As for me, so much of recovery work comes down to being able to discern the difference between Fantasy and Reality. As for me, I'll take Reality. It leads me towards a path of truth and grace. And peace...
HaveFaith
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Post by Little Fox on Nov 20, 2013 7:38:28 GMT -8
Certainty, even if painful, can be a blessing. I find myself begging for certainty, even if it means to hurt.
It reminds me of a friend who has lost their cat two weeks ago. Everytime she is willing to accept its loss, she gets a call from someone who might have seen the cat. So she gets her hopes up, gets all excited and finds out it was false alarm... or it was her cat, but it's already moved elsewhere. So she stays in a constant rollercoaster of emotions, never getting the chance to settle, sit down, feel the pain and mourn. Because she never knows if she actually has a reason to mourn.
I wish you all the strength to let go, feel the pain, accept and move on.
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 20, 2013 7:56:20 GMT -8
Paisley, I think that is a wonderful thing that you know where your feelings are coming from, and you can identify this, and not just automatically think something is wrong with you as a person, as to why this relationship did not work.
This is why we date, and even though it is causing your abandonment issues to rear their ugly head again, go through the process of comforting your inner child, and let her know you are going to take care of her now, and keep a check on who is running the show, your child? or your adult? And if your child needs to cry and scream let her, and then let your adult take back over.
This is progress...
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 20, 2013 13:13:13 GMT -8
YES!!! It seems ridicuous to be so worked up over a guy you just met twice…BUT THAT'S LOVE ADDICTION. Hey!! Welcome to my world (well, my old world), and everyone else's on these boards. OK, kidding aside, you need to do some serious self talk: 1. He's not abandoning you, paisley. He wasn't put on this earth to take care of you. He's not your parent, and even if he were your boyfriend, he's STILL not supposed to take care of you. You are an adult. You can take care of yourself, whether you like it or not. And so, people can come and go freely and you will still be standing. 2. He owes you nothing. Zero. Zip. People are put on this earth for reasons unbeknownst to us all--they are not put here to serve you and take care of you unless they are getting paid to do that. 3. The world works in mysterious ways. There is NOTHIG you can do to make someone stay who doesn't want to stay. Nothing you say or do, no clothing you wear will convince a person otherwise, if they don't want to stay. This is the essence and importance of loving and accepting yourself as is. Flaws and all. Because, conversely, there is NOTHING (well, almost nothing) you can say or do to make someone leave when they really want to stay. DO you understand? 4. And you may not have the stomach for this, but you have the strength! Love addicts are experts at handling this kind of pain. We've experienced it all our lives. Now, the trick is figuring out how to live peacefully |
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Post by loveanimals on Nov 20, 2013 23:34:44 GMT -8
Hi paisley,
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I know the abandonment issues so well. That explains his behavior, yet he should have told you up front that this was even remotely a possibility. I've been through this same behavior.
Yes you have a full life and know from past experiences that you don't need a man......there will always be more in the future and you have a full life and don't "need" a man to be complete.
Yet I totally relate to the disappointment. Keep yourself busy and remind yourself that you are handling this in a much healthier manner.
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 21, 2013 6:23:41 GMT -8
yet he should have told you up front that this was even remotely a possibility. Please don't be insulted loveanimals, but I disagree. People do not know where they are going or what they are doing, and when there is a NEW relationship on the burner (key word "new"), there is ZERO obligation to discuss future plans with someone you've only dated twice. I think that when we expect to know this kind of information (about someone's future plans or how we will fit into them) it sets us up for disappointment. We have no right to that info so early on in the game. Later yes. But not after two dates. What do we have a right to know upfront? Well, we have a right to know if someone is single or married (not single and dating others. Nope. We don't even have a right to know that). We also have a right to know if this is a date, if we are expected to pay, and how we're getting home. But that's about it. Everything else you wish you knew is not a "right" it's a priviledge. ANd someone's readiness to divulve these things about himself or his tact in holding back is how you maneuver through dates and get to know someone and decide whether or not you like them. Dating is a roll of the dice. It's not romance. And while there may be chemistry there, the more you use your head, the better you are to see red flags and real potential. It's a risk you take, where no outcome is gauranteed. Love addicts do not recognize this. We tend to look at a date and think…THIS IS IT. We are immediately invested. And when we think like that, we think we have a right to all this deeper, layered stuff that we don't. And that makes some of us act inappropriately (jumping the gun, "taking hostages," seeming needy too soon) and then, scare off potential mates. This is NOT to say that this is what Paisley has done. But it is to say we need to have a better emotional and logical idea of what dating is really all about and what it is not about. There's a great book called A Fine Romance, by Judith Sills. It's hard to get into at first, but it's a marvelous read. It's a step by step guide to a healthy relationship--or rather, what you can expect and what is expected of you at all the diffeent stages of a relationship from dating to marriage. I strongly suggest you add this to your reading list |
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 21, 2013 13:06:49 GMT -8
The adult was in charge and that is indeed progress. Two of my best friends have been in a committed relationship for the past three years. He's looking to take a job in another city or overseas. They are going forward with respect and love for each other knowing that they will be splitting up. I want to cry over the thought of it. They are OK. I can't grasp the maturity they are exhibiting. Just the thought of it chokes me up. First of all, pat yourself on the back for handling things like an adult!!! woooohoooooo!!!!! Good for you. Second, what it looks like you are picking up on from your friends is something called TRUST. WHen two people like/love each other and trust each other, all things are possible. A quick story from my past. Five years ago, before I met D, I was down and out and didn't trust anyone. After an 8-month relationship with a guy who I thought was "the ONE," I got the dreaded "I don't love you," seemingly out of the blue. Of course, it wasn't out of the blue. There were lots of signs, that if I saw any of them now I would recognize them instantly. But at the time, I didn't WANT to see them (insert head in sand). Thing is, he would do little things like say he was coming over but then never show up. WHen confronted, he would say something ridiculous like, "Oh I forgot," or "Oops, I fell asleep." Kid's stuff. Thing was, he couldn't be trusted, but I stayed anyway. It was the caliber person I was willing to settle for because I didn't think there was anyone else out there. After he was history and D came into the picture, I didn't trust D as far as I could throw him. I REFUSED to believe a word he said. And yet, I never questioned him or stalked him or anything like that (there are so MANY ways to tell if someone is lying or not be trustworthy!) I just watched. I did not DARE allow my heart to fall for this guy because hell if I was going to break it again. It was too valuable for yet another crash and burn. And so, for the first 6 months to a year of our relationship I was extremely cautious until one day it occurred to me, this guy has never lied about anything. He's trustworthy. That's how long it takes to know if someone is a keeper or not. Remember: you are WORTH a BAZILLION. DOn't sell yourself for any less. |
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Post by loveanimals on Nov 22, 2013 8:11:23 GMT -8
Agreed LovelyJune, that is more of my love addict self who remembers feeling "abandoned" when the guy would tell me he was moving.....even after we hadn't even met!
Because my love addiction was an escape from reality, and now my therapist is telling me to abandon the escape routes and sit with the pain , awkwardness and discomfort of living with an estranged husband. It is tough and depressing, I didn't realize how much I was escaping in a fantasy world of attaching to any online stranger as an escape from negative comments and emotional abuse.
Paisley I love reading how you are trying to find solid ground with relationships now, because love addiction is different from alcohol and drugs where we really can't go No Contact with men for the rest of our lives (well my grandmother did, but that's another story). We have to learn to have healthy relationships....imagine if alcoholics had to learn healthy relationships with alcohol! Tough yet LovelyJune has showed us that this can work!
In my DBT courses we talk about rational mind and emotion mind. Addicts tend to live by emotion mind. If we feel a "connection" we are in love with the guy and think we will ride off in the sunset together. LovelyJune's list is more of the rational mind.....to see that maybe the guy drinks a lot and that is a red flag, or he's distant. Emotion mind does not think of these things.....rational mind does. And when you blend both together, you come up with "wise mind". Yet my instructor says that most of us need to focus on rational mind more to get to wise mind.
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 23, 2013 6:20:44 GMT -8
my therapist is telling me to abandon the escape routes and sit with the pain , awkwardness and discomfort of living with an estranged husband. It is tough and depressing, And she's spot on. But at least this will ALLOW you to realistically see what you have in your life and figure out if it is worth holding on to or letting go. Facing the pain doesn't mean we just face it and suffer. End of story. It means our eyes are open to what we have in front of us so we are able to make clear, level-headed decisions about what plan of action we need to take. As for your comments on DBT, they also make a ton of good sense. Your instructor sounds like a fabulous one! |
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