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Post by loveanimals on Nov 26, 2013 8:11:58 GMT -8
I was on a mostly male relationship board where they said my husband is really the best man I can get, at my age (42) the pickings are slim and I won't find better so I should just settle and try to work on the marriage.
My parents push the same thing. My aunt married a guy unemployed and in and out of jail, and my parents say it's because she was old (28 back then) when she was single and there were no good men left.
I know this is terrible self esteem thinking, and wondering if it is just ingrained in society?
I know LovelyJune found a good man so that is encouraging. I also see how tough it is for my divorced female friends. I guess if I saw more IRL (in real life) success stories it would help.
Not that my husband is a bad person, he's smart, a great father, does most of his laundry/cooking, very attractive, in shape, has a lot in common with me. Just when I started with the love addiction and cheating, he became cold and emotionally abusive. Before that we lived separate lives that I kept telling him I was unhappy being alone every night (like both of our parents) and he just told me to find new hobbies. Well I did and met male admirers in the process. My bad, I knew at the time I should just end the marriage but like now, didn't want to leave a gold mine of a house and the security of benefits.
I just know I've kept my eyes open for men in real life over the past 7 years who weren't young enough to be my son, and I have found very few that I would even consider as a partner for a relationship. The guys online are horrid and scary, and even the ones around the age of 40 say they just want a hookup. In real life there is maybe one man and he constantly hops from relationship to relationship with very thin, wealthy women. So he looks great on paper yet I wonder how "healthy" he is. I would want a man with good values especially around my daughter, and I don't see many of these men at all.
Maybe if I was "healthier" I would attract healthier? I do see some wonderful men who aren't good looking or have the external characteristics I usually go for, but wonderful personalities in real life yet they all have girlfriends or they are married. So I know there are great men out there, they just aren't available.
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 26, 2013 10:09:18 GMT -8
Maybe if I was "healthier" I would attract healthier? Hi Loveanimals, First I just want to say that reading your posts today you have come SO FAR!!!! So, pat yourself on the back  Second, I want to address what you are talking about. It's what I dreaded and what kept me in a bad marriage. And it was one of my bigger fears: that I would divorce and be single the rest of my life. That, indeed, is an overwhelming thought and what ultimately caused me to "date down," once I finally did divorce, taking the first available guy who showed interest, just in case he was the last one in existence! Heck, I'd rather deal with a fairly decent loser than be alone the rest of my life. The other thing was, I had an ulterior motive: I wanted someone to take care of me financially because I didn't think I coul do it on my own. These needs within me (to never be alone and to be take care of) ultimately skewed my ability to make good decisions about my life. They also put a HUGE amount of pressure on anyone willing to step up to the plate and date me. Healthy people don't want to date unhealthy, needy people, who are dating them simply to stave off loneliness and financial woes. SO…the wrong guys (players who just wanted sex and no commitment, or avoidants who were so distant anyway) would date me, unperterbed by my neediness, because they themselves didn't think they could get any better THAN ME (ouch). More importantly, because of my fears (of being alone) I was not able to make rational decisions (to stay or leave a marriage) or enjoy what was happening in my life NOW (after I did divorce, I was always searching for a replacement man to take care of me and kind of not appreciating the time with my children or making better use of my free time). Long story short, when I finally gave up, and realized that --I could not and should not worry if I was ever going to date again, --and when I finally determined to focus on solving issues based on rational facts instead of fear (yes, I was scared to be on my own, but I deeply disliked the man I married) --And when I learned to take financial care of myself I won. I became the woman that I had always wanted to be--and it had NOTHING TO DO WITH A GUY. Meeting and marrying D was not my goal. Being healthy and enjoying my life AS IS was my goal (after I divorced, that is). And I accomplished that. I wrote a blog a long while ago that talks about facing your deepest fear and embracing it. For me, it was the fear that I would never date again and that there were no good men out there. This fear gave me nightmares, woke me up at night, made my waking life miserable. Everytime I saw a happy couple I wanted to just crawl in a hole and die. Why not me, Lord? WHat was wrong with me?  Well, the only thing that was wrong with me was my enormous level of ingratitude for my life. And when I finally looked around and said, wait a second…what if I were never to date a guy or fall in love again? What would my life look like if I were living out my worst fear. When I finally visualized my life I came to the conclusion that it wasn't have bad and I needed to simply enjoy what I DID have and quit bemoaning what I DIDN't have. That's the key, loveanimals. That's the goal. Love yourself, make decisions based on what is right for your soul, not out of fear, but out of self-love and be grateful for what you have even if you never find a guy again. This latter, by the way, is extremely rare. If you divorced, chances are you will meet a few men, date, find some intresting, find others a bore. Yes, it is hard to find a perfect guy, but healthy people exist. You just have to be one first. |
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Post by loveanimals on Nov 26, 2013 20:53:04 GMT -8
LovelyJune, thank you for sharing as this really helps. I have that fear of not really being alone, but of the "letting the good one slip away" as I know one lady who regrets that she divorced her husband, even though he's an alcoholic. She said he was a good man and she hasn't found better. But you're right, she probably isn't healthy herself! The fear of income is also there..... and also the fear of losing the respect of your children. I have a friend who moved out and his children called him bad for "touching other women", obviously something the Mom said. I could see my husband doing that, and when I brought up separation he said he would fight me for full custody. It's hard to feel lovey dove about someone who wants to take your child away from you!!! People say the courts protect women yet I know from when I moved out, the spouse who moves out without a parenting agreement gets screwed the most. I rarely saw my daughter and it took 2 years to repair the damage where she felt abandoned. To me losing my daughter is by far the biggest fear that would keep me awake nights. Yet I know other women who said they knew their mom had affairs with other men and they disliked their mother for that.......so neither one is good! My grandmother is an inspiration as she lived alone for 30 years after her husband died. She said "I don't want to pick up someone else's dirty socks" and then learned how to be independent after years of being dependent on her husband. So yes, some big choices, like perhaps get some more marketable skills to get a permanent job vs. these 3 month jobs.....over online dating! paisley - thank you for sharing. I agree about the alcoholics as there are many out there! I attracted a lot of alcoholics back in the day as well. The difference is you disregard them right away. My therapist was proud of me awhile ago as I went out with a con artist type who wanted me to pay for everything and then gamble my money, all of my red flags went off and I said I wanted to go home, and then he tried to manipulate me by saying I had baggage, was not trusting, etc. I just said I wanted to leave and blocked his number later. The old me would have let him walk all over me (in fact he reminded me of a con artist ex from years ago) Also to know that you are worth more than a booty call, and to stand your ground with men who will say "let's skip the first date, come on over". LAs with low self esteem will agree to that, whereas those with values will stand up and say no to those who make those offers. I agree, I'd rather be alone than in a toxic relationship. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 27, 2013 5:13:33 GMT -8
Paisley, what a great post! The concept of attracting losers also came late to me too! I didn't realize they'd take anyone who would give them a chance. Healthy people never gave them a chance. I did. Ooops!
loveanimals, some of your fears are definitely warranted. But others are slightly irrational. More importantly, none of those events that you fear are as one sided as you are perceiving them. The fear of losing your children's respect is far more complicated that you just moving out. YES, moving out will change things and make things different. But life doesn't become static once you make this change. You still have the power to parent and to influence your children.
WHen I divorced, my ex spoke very badly of me right to our children. I couldn't control what he said, but I spent HOURS talking to my kids, making sure they understood (without talking badly about their father in return) that he was angry, that divorce is very difficult, but that we love you…and so on. The power and influence you have is not your action to move out, but your action to work daily to hold on to those children.
Men rarely get full custody. He would have to prove that you have abused or abandoned your children, that you do drugs or are incompetent of care. Those are very hard things to prove, especially if they have no basis in reality. Judges have heard every ridiculous story in the book. They weren't born yesterday.
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Post by loveanimals on Nov 29, 2013 9:40:35 GMT -8
Hi LovelyJune,
Thank you for reassuring me. In the case of me and this friend of mine, we both moved out without any type of parenting agreement in place. I know as that is why my attorney advised that I return home, so I don't lose custody. When a spouse moves out, the other spouse can manipulate and keep the children from the other spouse easily, and there is no legal documentation that says otherwise. That's exactly what I experienced, I only saw my daughter when it was convenient for my husband two times a week. Otherwise I was left with nothing.
So I know I have to have a parenting plan in place before one of us moves out this time.
Yes I thought husband would use the eating disorder and love addiction against me as signs of being an unfit mother....yet I am in active treatment so I don't think those can be shown to be incompetent of care? It shows that if I let those slide me into a severe depression, they can make me not capable of care so I need to be diligent in my recovery.
Thus I decided to attend an SLAA meeting today for the first time in awhile.
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Well, the only thing that was wrong with me was my enormous level of ingratitude for my life. And when I finally looked around and said, wait a second…what if I were never to date a guy or fall in love again? What would my life look like if I were living out my worst fear.