Post by notcrazydave on Nov 27, 2013 13:22:07 GMT -8
There are 2 things that hook me in - rescuing and excitement, Plus the person needs to be unavailable (married usually). I am married myself, and I did not plan on falling in love these past 4 months. I have struggled with low self-esteem and needing validation from others. So when I start getting it from someone NEW, a seed starts to grow. It is hard to stop because the chemicals in the brain ( which I have read is similar to addictive drugs).
I am responsible enough (now after years of adult child work) to not admit my feelings to the POA. But I definitely waited too long before trying to extract this person from my psyche. Now that I am trying to "withdraw", the pain sucks and I have trouble being around POA. I have to be around this person because I work with them. Today I tried to "explain" to them that I needed to cool our chatting to focus on my work. It was obvious from POA's reaction that there has never been any inclination on their part that there was anything more than work friendship there.
So I now get to be miserable for a time to try to come back to reality. I am worried I'll sabotage my marriage or this friendship. I feel such shame about something I did not set out to do, and now feel shame that I am where I am. I am grateful to just write this down. My ACA history tells me I "fell in love with my emotionally absent mother". The wounded child in me doesnt see long term relationship with my wife as validation that mom "loved" us. I hate that old pain, and I know I have been ignoring my wounded child for some time - which left him open to wanting what he wants and when he wants it. I know the POA in my psyche is not the same as the real person. I just have a real hard time getting my wounded child to see that. I also have hard time disengaging because like a drug withdrawal, it hurts like hell. And because I work with this person, I cant do a no contact detox. So I have to live with the pain and trying to be "good" to me, while wounded child fights me at every step.
I am responsible enough (now after years of adult child work) to not admit my feelings to the POA. But I definitely waited too long before trying to extract this person from my psyche. Now that I am trying to "withdraw", the pain sucks and I have trouble being around POA. I have to be around this person because I work with them. Today I tried to "explain" to them that I needed to cool our chatting to focus on my work. It was obvious from POA's reaction that there has never been any inclination on their part that there was anything more than work friendship there.
So I now get to be miserable for a time to try to come back to reality. I am worried I'll sabotage my marriage or this friendship. I feel such shame about something I did not set out to do, and now feel shame that I am where I am. I am grateful to just write this down. My ACA history tells me I "fell in love with my emotionally absent mother". The wounded child in me doesnt see long term relationship with my wife as validation that mom "loved" us. I hate that old pain, and I know I have been ignoring my wounded child for some time - which left him open to wanting what he wants and when he wants it. I know the POA in my psyche is not the same as the real person. I just have a real hard time getting my wounded child to see that. I also have hard time disengaging because like a drug withdrawal, it hurts like hell. And because I work with this person, I cant do a no contact detox. So I have to live with the pain and trying to be "good" to me, while wounded child fights me at every step.
