Post by Little Fox on Dec 5, 2013 2:51:02 GMT -8
I think it is about time I address this.
For some time now I have tried to think of myself as a child. I put a picture of myself as a child on Facebook. I was a very sensitive child and spent most of my time dreaming in some kind of fantasy world, reading books and escaping reality. I played alone and didn't like to be around other kids who I perceived as rude, loud and intrusive. When I had friends, I always built very intimate relationships with them and would usually spend all my time with this ONE child and withdraw when other kids got involved.
In my fantasies, animal protectors played a central role.
My mother is a very temperamental and positive person. She loves fiercely and unconditionally, is very good at expressing her feelings in a respectful manner, has an excellent common sense and a high self esteem. She does, however have the tendency to be a bit overbearing in her caretaking tendencies. She loves to give expensive presents, send money and do things for me, her husband and even my husband. She gets things done and it makes her feel good to take care of anyone. She never uses it against someone, this comes without condition, so that makes it easy to accept this care. BUT. I also never learned to motivate myself to achieve things of my own and my mother is sometimes fearful to the point of preventing me from learning. She could never watch me get frustrated, hurt or sad. She is so well intended that it is hard to see any fault in that.
My father is a hearty, jovial and funny fellow to the outside world, loves to joke, be sarcastic and laugh. He is very proud of his career achievements, but denies my mother's part in his success. He is greedy and very ambitious and looks down on everyone with lesser goals. I never was ambitious, so he deeply despises me for being weak, useless, silly and good for nothing. He was demeaning, sarcastic, bitter and rejected every attempt of me to receive his attention or praise. When I showed him a good grade, he would remind me of the last time I failed. Whatever achievement I presented to him was brushed away as not good enough. He laughed about me and put me down in public under the cover of "just joking". When I cried, he would mock me.
He was also sadistic. Once I walked up on him when he was painting the fence and without a warning, he turned around and slapped the paintbrush with the irritating paint in my eyes and laughed hard as I cringed, cried and my eyes were burning. He was cruel to my dog and laughed when I cried and begged him to stop. He pushed me in deep water when I couldn't swim and mocked my futile attempts to keep over water. I thought I was going to die that day. For him it was all one big amusement.
After my parents got divorced when I was 12 (he left for another woman) I stayed with my mother and had no desire whatsoever to be with my father. We have had only very scarce contact since then and every single time it was painful or infuriating. So I have avoided any contact for about 8 years now. I sent my father a letter to notify him of the birth of my daughter 8 years ago, but his answer was hateful and full of accusations and resentment, so I never tried again.
My daughter's birth was also the trigger for me to read books about child development, psychology, wounds of the past etc. I was afraid I would be a bad mother, so I tried everything I could to not make the mistakes my father made. But this is also where my anger started. So far I had been avoiding and somewhat afraid to face him. But now that I know what he did was wrong, unacceptable and downright cruel - and how little it takes to be a good parent even if you carry childhood wounds... since then I am furious at him for wounding the little sensitive child that I was.
This is my story.
So where am I now?
I am still very close with my mother, though she gets worried easily so I don't tell her everything in order to protect her. But she is my source of unconditional love. I'm scared of what will happen when she dies. It is one of my biggest fears, especially since she has some heart and stress issues.
I have no contact to my father. I searched him on Facebook once and saw how fragile and old he looked. I am still angry at him though.
For some time now I have tried to think of myself as a child. I put a picture of myself as a child on Facebook. I was a very sensitive child and spent most of my time dreaming in some kind of fantasy world, reading books and escaping reality. I played alone and didn't like to be around other kids who I perceived as rude, loud and intrusive. When I had friends, I always built very intimate relationships with them and would usually spend all my time with this ONE child and withdraw when other kids got involved.
In my fantasies, animal protectors played a central role.
My mother is a very temperamental and positive person. She loves fiercely and unconditionally, is very good at expressing her feelings in a respectful manner, has an excellent common sense and a high self esteem. She does, however have the tendency to be a bit overbearing in her caretaking tendencies. She loves to give expensive presents, send money and do things for me, her husband and even my husband. She gets things done and it makes her feel good to take care of anyone. She never uses it against someone, this comes without condition, so that makes it easy to accept this care. BUT. I also never learned to motivate myself to achieve things of my own and my mother is sometimes fearful to the point of preventing me from learning. She could never watch me get frustrated, hurt or sad. She is so well intended that it is hard to see any fault in that.
My father is a hearty, jovial and funny fellow to the outside world, loves to joke, be sarcastic and laugh. He is very proud of his career achievements, but denies my mother's part in his success. He is greedy and very ambitious and looks down on everyone with lesser goals. I never was ambitious, so he deeply despises me for being weak, useless, silly and good for nothing. He was demeaning, sarcastic, bitter and rejected every attempt of me to receive his attention or praise. When I showed him a good grade, he would remind me of the last time I failed. Whatever achievement I presented to him was brushed away as not good enough. He laughed about me and put me down in public under the cover of "just joking". When I cried, he would mock me.
He was also sadistic. Once I walked up on him when he was painting the fence and without a warning, he turned around and slapped the paintbrush with the irritating paint in my eyes and laughed hard as I cringed, cried and my eyes were burning. He was cruel to my dog and laughed when I cried and begged him to stop. He pushed me in deep water when I couldn't swim and mocked my futile attempts to keep over water. I thought I was going to die that day. For him it was all one big amusement.
After my parents got divorced when I was 12 (he left for another woman) I stayed with my mother and had no desire whatsoever to be with my father. We have had only very scarce contact since then and every single time it was painful or infuriating. So I have avoided any contact for about 8 years now. I sent my father a letter to notify him of the birth of my daughter 8 years ago, but his answer was hateful and full of accusations and resentment, so I never tried again.
My daughter's birth was also the trigger for me to read books about child development, psychology, wounds of the past etc. I was afraid I would be a bad mother, so I tried everything I could to not make the mistakes my father made. But this is also where my anger started. So far I had been avoiding and somewhat afraid to face him. But now that I know what he did was wrong, unacceptable and downright cruel - and how little it takes to be a good parent even if you carry childhood wounds... since then I am furious at him for wounding the little sensitive child that I was.
This is my story.
So where am I now?
I am still very close with my mother, though she gets worried easily so I don't tell her everything in order to protect her. But she is my source of unconditional love. I'm scared of what will happen when she dies. It is one of my biggest fears, especially since she has some heart and stress issues.
I have no contact to my father. I searched him on Facebook once and saw how fragile and old he looked. I am still angry at him though.
