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Post by fairydust on Feb 4, 2008 3:25:18 GMT -8
One of the biggest stumbling blocks for me in building my self-esteem is that I cut myself off from other people. This means I am not getting any feedback about my good qualities.
I've mentioned before in other posts that I get feedback by doing personality tests on the internet. I look good on paper. One test I did said only 3 people in 1,000 (or was it 10,000) had the same combination of best qualities as I do. Independence, intelligence and easy-goingness. Could this be why I've always found it hard to find other people like me? My kind of people?
Psychologist Carl Jung said that people who have well developed 'personas' (public faces) get on best in the world. This is because they say and do all the right things in public, and do not reveal much of their real self.
I don't think I have a 'persona'. I'm very much WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get). I prefer to be real, even though it does not seem to be working for me.
Tomorrow I am scheduled to have surgery, but it may have to be cancelled because I do not have anyone to accompany me home in a taxi after I have had a general anaesthetic. This really brings home to me how very much alone I am in the world.
I want very much for this situation to change. Maybe I need to do something drastic like move to another part of the world. But that seems too scary right now. I sense the answer is getting out of my comfort zone and taking a lot more risks.
Would love some feedback.
fairydust
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Post by Firststephie on Feb 4, 2008 5:24:39 GMT -8
Fairy dust
Fairy
that makes me feel sad that you do not have anyone to accompany you home from your surgery. I hope all goes well and you mange somehow. I have had people say to me that perhaps I really don't want to be friendly with people even though I say that's what I want. It may have to do with fear.....a fear that you will be hurt or a fear of intimacy...a fear of rejection. So we unconsciousl keep people at a distance and we end up alone. I know that feeling a little depressed can make me more inhibited with people and I am less likely to chat. I feel that perhaps they won't like me or they they are judging me, my looks or anything about me. I naturally feel better about myself when the warmer weatheer roles around..less depressed....and I am going to make a huge effort to find the people who will respond to me. Good luck , Fairy...I hope this surgery is just something minor.
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Post by londonstyle on Apr 9, 2008 9:42:19 GMT -8
I attend 12 step meetings regularly.....just so you know AA welcomes anyone seeking recovery. But I'm sure there is a 12 step group in your area more suited to your needs. Good luck. I hope I am not crossing boundaries by saying this.
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helly
New Member
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Post by helly on Jun 21, 2008 3:47:12 GMT -8
Fairydust:
I can identify wholeheartly! It has become clear to me how much my isolating keeps me in believing that i unworthy of friends&love...it can be very lonely living out this cycle but i have to put it into perseptive for me coz i isolated for alot of my teens.
i have slowly but surely come out of my shell which is mostly fear based and can get the better of me at times.
I have been going to 12 step groups for over a yr nw and it has helped me greatly especially coz when i reach out i mostly recieve kind loving support and that helps build my trust&faith.
I hope things get better for you,
Blessings x
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Post by bungabali on Jul 16, 2008 18:22:30 GMT -8
I used to really isolate myself. I had no friends at certain points in my life. (I'm 43 yrs now) I found I really had to make an effort to be friendly. I just try to be myself and not worry about what others might be thinking of me. I've also worked at joining in group activities which I hope to make some acquantainces. Some of the things I've done is join a hiking and biking club. What I've found is it takes work to make friends and I've often had to "make the first move" to invite people to get together etc.
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Post by fairydust on Sept 5, 2008 5:09:59 GMT -8
Thank you everyone. I'm pleased to report that my life has improved for the better since my cancer surgery. I now belong to an 'inner circle' of people who appreciate how precious life is and who don't want to waste any more time. Who only want loving people in their lives, not ones who will cause them pain. It's been a real wake-up call for me and I'm amazed at how many new people I've connected with during the last six months. I didn't realise before that it was so easy. I just had to start seeing the positive side of being with other people, not the negative, and to be more discerning about the type of people I want in my life. It's a huge step forward for me. All is well.
Fairydust
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Post by freedman on Sept 5, 2008 5:42:00 GMT -8
What a beautiful gift. Thank you for sharing this.
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Post by Judy on Sept 5, 2008 10:38:03 GMT -8
Great to hear fairydust! Thanks!
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Post by ok2bme on Mar 13, 2010 19:02:24 GMT -8
Just seeing this post, 2 years later, glad you found people to connect with FairyDust.
I clicked on this today because once again I am hit with the reality of my isolated world.
I like people & doing fun things...in my head, but never really had much practice as I was either addicted to my H & serving his desires or addicted to my last PoA. I could very rarely extend myself outside my addiction.
Now that I am dealing with recovery & understanding the need to build a whole me, I have no where to go with anyone. It's an awful reality that actually hurts my self esteem right now. I feel like the biggest loser because I could not find one of my few friends to hang out with tonight.
I think that if I had not spent my LIFE being addicted to someone I would have my circle of friends & activities better established right now. It's so hard at my age to just jump in & mix just anywhere now.
I hope to report like you FairyDust that area improving too.
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gordana
Full Member
Newcomers Greeter
Posts: 189
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Post by gordana on Sept 30, 2010 19:37:06 GMT -8
Sometimes I feel like I am isolating myself from people , also. But I really enjoy being in my own company. I am 53 years old. Its hard meeting new people. My best friends are married, with children. I am divorced and have children. So, I meet with my friends and we talk about our children and work, our parents. But I sometimes wonder if I will ever have someone in my life to spend time with on regular basis. I am beginning to miss having a partner in my life. I was alone for 10 years after my divorce. And my relationship after that with my poa lasted for about 8 months. I have been in recovery for 15 months now, alone. I know I need to get out more and meet people if I am ever going to be with a partner again. It is the fear of not being good enough that keeps me isolating.
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Post by EmoUnavail on Oct 1, 2010 4:14:02 GMT -8
I personally think that its very important to spend time alone and reflect .... but i completely disagree with isolating ones self. IMHO, You need to be out there, with friends and family, you need to laugh and joke, and be around people who are healthy and care about you.
Its a HUGE step to recovery.
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 4, 2010 6:56:57 GMT -8
I agree Emo,
I'm trying to come out of isolation myself, but it hasn't been easy as i work from home & go to school ( online) from home. Because all my previous associations & friendships were unhealthy, I currently don't have any friends I can hang out with, and I am re-learning how to date in a healthy way so I have limited the guys I hang out with, but I have managed to step out on my own. My dance class helps me to feel normal, and brings me great joy, so I plan on finding other hobbies that I can fill my time with. I'll be starting a campus class in November so that will also get me out of the house, I am currently looking for employment outside of my home, and I plan on going back to church. I am also considering in person LAA meetings, but I am nervous about that, so we will see.
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Post by EmoUnavail on Oct 4, 2010 7:12:07 GMT -8
I will be going to my first SLAA meeting on Friday and my first CoDa meeting tomorrow.
I am really excited about it. i hope i dont get disappointed.
You really DO need to get out and do things, its what restores sanity.
Don't give yourself a "self imposed" jail sentence. Get Out.
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Post by lessthanicanbe on Oct 16, 2010 19:06:15 GMT -8
I agree with E--- I had to get out, and many times I had to make myself. I had to make myself accept outside invitations again, attend school events, and even simple conversations were hard to keep going. I sank deeper, and deeper into my own punishment, and if it weren't for my family, and friends...I am not sure how I would have survived. I have facilitated some new relationships, and have found that my HP has sent exactly what I need into my life at the right times. I just had to be willing to see that sometimes we need others, and it is really OK to reach out in times of need. I did a lot of praying, confiding in trusted friends, and over time cut myself some slack. Get out....make some new friends.....get a new hobby. I made jewelry for awhile, very helpful to create something original that I could share with friends. It was pretty cool to see everyone at work wearing the jewelry I had made!  |
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Post by Free at Last on Oct 17, 2010 23:03:44 GMT -8
I don't have any friends...not ones that I can depend on anyway. I feel alone most of the time (even when I am physically with my extended family and siblings). The few women I know are either "frenemies" or say they will be there for me and then not be available to me when I call on them for emotional support or to do things with. Maybe it's just my imagination but I really feel like no one wants to be with me. Is there something wrong with me or the way I am that drives people away? Does anyone else have the same problem?
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Post by EmoUnavail on Oct 18, 2010 5:43:36 GMT -8
Free,
Confidence is EVERYTHING ... i say this because its true but it can also be smoke and mirrors.
MOST people you will meet with HUGE egos, are scared, children with LOW self esteem.
It is only with a true confidence, and a real self worth, that you can attract friends, both male and female. The opposite sex are EXPERTS instinctively to smell out a lack of confidence and it is a repellent .....
So believe in you, that at the core of it you are a GOOD person, You dont cheat, you dont steel and your true value comes from you, not what validation the people around you provide you. The only way is to get out ... and meet people.
I did my motorcycle course this weekend and without any expectations ... met 10 really great people ... we hung out all weekend and although they arent "friends" it was great and it helped build my confidence. Just being out and talking to people helps ...
Do the best you can ... its a slow process building your own self esteem and confidence and remember it can all be taken away in one moment of rejection .... So build it, make it strong, and dont ever let ANYONE judge you or make you feel less then you know you are.
No one has the right to judge you unless they have first judged themselves.
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Post by Free at Last on Oct 18, 2010 23:31:12 GMT -8
Thank you for your input EmoUnavail. I will begin taking baby steps |
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Post by margot on Nov 7, 2011 12:21:41 GMT -8
Isolation.........it's so comfortable but also so sad and lonely. I can't seem to pick up the phone again. Last week when I called someone in AA it was phone tag for days and then the communication was very - not there. I feel rejection, I fear rejection, I don't want to make a nuisance of myself and I don't think anyone wants to hear from me and that's why I RARELY pick up the phone. I can't even call my oldest (20+years) friends or my sister or brother without procrastinating for weeks or months. I'll think about it every day but don't do it. What is this phobia? I really want to talke with someone but I don't call. It's making me crazy. Is it low self esteem, or is it selfishness and self pity gone perverse? It gives me a headache. What am I supposed to do with this phone list I have of all these women from the group? Who do I call and what the HECK do I say? It's pitiful.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 7, 2011 13:20:00 GMT -8
Margot, I totally relate. I have this to a degree with my adult son, and I see the codependency in it. I know he is busy at uni and work during the week, and on the weekends I think about calling and it never seems like a good time. I don't want to disturb him if he's sleeping in, if he's socialising, if he's having some downtime...basically I don't give myself the space to rate anywhere special to him. It's very painful.
When I have needs I am extremely unhappy about having to ask for them to be met. I would do anything to not have to ask. It's from my childhood, having a mother who had all the "right" to the emotions in the house. I was often told "How dare you feel...(insert emotion)", because she felt she was the only one who "deserved" to be able to feel any pain, or anger, in the house, the real martyr.
In my last rel. I chose a man who had no room in his life to respond to me and my needs, and I made myself almost completely need-less with him. I was a real life martyr, only one who had no outlet like my mother, who raged at us. I found a way to make this OK with me both practically and spiritually. It was bogus. I still felt ripped off, and didn't see it was I who was doing my own ripping off.
Now with my son I text him when I realise i'm putting off calling. I ask him how his weekend is going or something, and do you want to chat? Last time I did that he called me shortly afterwards. It was a good way for me to do it.
I'm also going to call a number of women this week about finding someone to support me one night next week, and another group I'm asking for more communication to happen. I am right out of my comfort zone. Melt downs ensuing. Much feeling. It's incredibly hard for me, as I can now feel my fear and my need, instead of pushing them away and distracting, medicating them away. I am healing. I feel safe, with me, to feel. I feel safe in my home with a supportive friend.
(reading this back I have to say I don't always feel safe in my home. When that feeling strikes, it doesn't matter where I am.)
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Post by margot on Nov 7, 2011 13:46:48 GMT -8
Hi Jacaranda,
Thank you for responding to my post, it feels good to be heard. What you wrote about your childhood is exactly what happened in my family only it was both parents who were drama queens. I was completely invalidated and was considered an 'extra' in a family of 5 kids who became over-achievers and very successful.
I can also relate to being the martyr and it really IS bogus and it really is me who puts me there.......in the hopes of being needed and considered essential. Thanks for writing that too.
Recently I wanted to say something to my friend here and couldn't do it in person so sent an email. It worked out well cuz he called me then and we had a good chat about what I was concerned with. He showed friendship and it felt good. That's kind of like what you did in texting your son.
Anyway, thank you Jacaranda. I don't feel as alone as I did a little while ago. I guess like HaveFaith says........the baby steps are good progress and always will be so I need to remember that. Baby steps.
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 7, 2011 17:21:07 GMT -8
margot, what you do with those womens phone number is you call them and let them know your interested in going to a meeting with them. and go to about 6 meetings and listen and get comfortable with being in a new place and around new people. you find someone you can relate too and see if they will be your temp sponsor, then they can guide you thru the program. and also you are not a bother, people in recovery are always happy to help, because it helps them in the process, yes it is scary at first, but you have to go to any lengths for your recovery. and sponsor will never call you at first, because they give you the phone numbers and they let you make contact, because they use this as a yardstick to tell if you are serious about your recovery. it use to make me mad when i first got in AA, i did not understand this. and once you get a local home group, you dont have to be alone, or feel alone because you can always go to a meeting. hope this helps you. and lets us know how is goes, we are behinds you and supporting you along this journey. good luck...
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Post by Havefaith on Nov 7, 2011 18:38:06 GMT -8
Yup, that's right, Margot! Take those baby steps -- it's a long journey, but we have our whole lives to walk it, and we all walk it together, so as not to feel so overwhelmed.
HaveFaith
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Post by margot on Nov 7, 2011 22:38:34 GMT -8
Thanks guys.
Carolyn, that was very helpful info you gave me and I had been thinking about that for a few weeks.......noticing that no one ever called me. I called one person 6 times.........that's it for me cuz it seems I'm a nuisance. I'll try someone else next time........like maybe tomorrow. Also I never thought to ask for a temp sponsor.......great idea. Thank you for spelling it out to me. I LOVE to see things in black and white...........I despise playing a guessing game where I have to jump thru hoops to figure out something simple. Life is hard enough without people holding back simple tips. You're very nice to us all. I've noticed how helpful you are to everyone.........with always a kind word.
HaveFaith, as usual, your words are comforting....'we walk the journey together, so as not to feel so overwhelmed'. That's a good thought cuz lately overwhelmed has been my constant companion. It makes me panic...........but reading and posting here helps so much. Truly.
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 8, 2011 3:30:37 GMT -8
margot, iam always glad to help, learning anything new, 12 meetings, new job, anything new can be overwhelming. So call a few more women, if they dont call you back, just go to a local meeting. sometimes those lists might not be current either, so dont automatically think something is wrong with you, when you dont get a response. you sound like me when i first got in a 12 step program...so dont give up in frustration...just go girl, you are worth it. ;-)
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 8, 2011 4:06:13 GMT -8
How cool that we can support each other like this here. Glad to be a part of this forum with you all.
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Post by margot on Nov 10, 2011 11:16:32 GMT -8
So today is a new day and the sky is gray and it's not OK. I want sunshine cuz it makes me happy. I'm posting this because I'm alone and I don't like it again. I spent the morning working on some new resumes..........I really need a new job badly. I had to dredge up all the other places I've worked and left........good jobs and bad. It's heartbreaking.............like leaving a person almost. Actually you DO leave people........all those people I used to like and work with, as well as the a$$ols. It's not fun having to explain yourself over and over when you're applying for a new position.
Looking over my records of places I applied to the last time I was looking (2-1/2 yrs ago) I saw how much work I did, all the interviews (not that many) all the apps, online and in person...........OMG and I ended up in a naive store. 3 months I spent on it before and I'm still in the naive store. Sad. HP help me, please. Help.
Anyway, I'm sad today. I hope I get over it soon, don't want to spend all day like this and now I have to go to the job.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 10, 2011 12:37:54 GMT -8
margot, in my experience when you feel alone and really stuffpy like this, you are not there for yourself and you are not aware or grateful for your HP (if you have one, I hope you do). When it happens to me I feel ugly, alone, ungrateful, sorry for myself BIG TIME, hopeless, unworthy. Last time it hit me (a couple of days ago) I realised I felt like I couldn't even go into a sushi place I get food at because I felt so bad. I felt like I didn't deserve or rate enough to go into the place. I thought of how attractive everyone who works there is. It's so sad.
I hope you find your dear self again and find out how to support yourself through looking for a better job. If you won't do it, won't try your hardest, even though there's no guarantees, who will?
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 10, 2011 18:10:07 GMT -8
margot, did you call those AA women yet? you need to have a local support system. try a do your gratitude list daily, until you feel better. sometimes we just have to make ourselves feel better. being alone is not helping because you stay focused on yourself to much. when you around others it will get you off of your mind for a little while. and as hard as jobs are to come by, be thankful you have a job, and keep looking. are you feeling sorry for yourself? you have to do the footwork for your recovery. please call those women, you will get some much out of it. have a attitude of gratitude.
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Post by margot on Nov 10, 2011 21:28:28 GMT -8
Yes, yes, yes...........you guys are so right. I know I've sounded like a big baby today. The daily gratitude list written down sounds like a good idea. It will focus me to have to sit and write it. Thanks Carolyn and thanks Jacaranda for reminding me that I am the only one who can do what I need to do.
Oh, and yes I have had HP for a long time but I've taken over HP's job for quite some time and now I'm having a little trouble letting go but I will, I have to. HP is being redefined in my mind so maybe that's why I'm hesitant. I don't know......I think probably I'm just being stubborn and also I want the rapport I had before and I can't remember it well enough to get it back. It could be that I'm thinking too much and not praying enough. I don't know. Some moments I give myself completely to HP and then later on find myself back in control again and this happens frequently and I'm starting to get on my nerves over it. One thing that holds me back is the fear of what kind of service I'm going to have to do. I know I owe service to others. In the past I gave 8+ years of my life to caring for my sick brother and 2+ to my sick mother when no one else would help. I have resentment over that.........and pity.......that I've got to get rid of cuz it's hurting my chances for happiness.
Anyway...........thank you for your help. Carolyn, I called another person but got no answer. I drove by a new place for meeting but haven't attended yet but at least I know how to get there now. I can't connect any faces with the names on the list really........only a couple.
I'm thankful for you guys, for the opportunity to post here, and to read here at any time of the day or night.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 11, 2011 3:32:40 GMT -8
Yeah, it's good isn't it!?!
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