Capgras Abandoned.

At the age of six and a half, my father, whom I had spent the most time with up to that point, had a change in work schedule so that I saw very little of him most days from there on out; at the same time, I now know (but didn't know then) that my mom had committed adultery with a neighbor up the street, got pregnant and was so worry that the baby was the result of that adultery that it ruined her for life (that and some serious abuse she had suffered under how own father). My brother that later would be born from this turned out to be more like my biological father than ANY of my five brothers, but at the time of course my mom could not have known that. Anyway, from previous leftover abuse of her childhood, and from her own guilt from having committed adultery and the worry over the pregnancy, my previously wonderful mother literally drove herself nuts, and from the time I was seven until now, my mother has been verbally abusive, punctuated every 3 or 4 months with bouts of horribly unsettling schizophrenia and capgras syndrome (look it up, I had to). I still remember the contrast from how confident in myself I was as a young boy--until after seven years old, whereupon I was always unsure of myself. It manifested on the playground when I was little, it manifested in other things when I was older.
I know what it is now. I know what happened.
But now I am stuck in this abysmal marriage to an unrepentant love avoidant as a result. We are on the 3rd horrible "cycling out" phase now.
Ugh...
I think I am better just for being able to identify it, though.
There is no one else; I just no longer want to be married to this person. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than that. I don't see her changing. I don't see that at all.