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Post by Greystorm on Jan 19, 2014 18:05:01 GMT -8
My PoA broke up with me last april. My story is in the "Introducing Myself" post, at the newcomers area.
The thing is... I have this overwhelming and terrfying fear of going out and run into her with someone else...
I have constant nightmares of her having sex with another man.
My fear reached such a point that I gave up going out, hanging ou with my friends, and doing stuff. I just go out to work and come back home.
Last thursday I went out with some friends, and things were going fine... Until I check my instagram feed and see a photo posted by a friend of hers, showing the two of them, in a bar, with some guys around.
My reaction: raced home and just got out to work on friday, come back, and lock myself in until tomorrow (monday).
I've deleted the facebook and instagram apps from my smartphone and my tablet and, sincerely, don't intend to check those feeds again so soon.
It hurts very, very bad to think that my fears may becoming true.
And by the way, I become "paralysed" by this fear after every single break up, with every other girlfriend I had. I think that I linger to broke up just to avoid feel it. And I don't think it's jealousy, because I do not stalk her, or keep looking for news, or asking about her to anyone, nor wanted to go to the bar which she was and try to "stop" anything from happening. On the contrary, I made myself very clear to my friends and family: I don't wanna know about her. Zero news, please.
What at you say about this? Thanks
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Post by chrysalis on Jan 19, 2014 21:53:25 GMT -8
Greystorm, I felt exactly the same way when my ex POA broke up with me. I was extremely afraid of him hooking up with someone immediately and having sex with her. I could not sleep at night because I kept having dreams of him having sex and being happy with another girl. It was just terrible the feeling.
I was so sensitive in mind, body and spirit that I could not talk with anyone, not with friends or family and before the experience, I enjoyed being with people. Like yourself, all I did was to go to work and rush home quickly just to process my thoughts (possibly give time for my obsessing and fantasizing). I used to check the chat rooms that we previously used to chat so that I could track whether he was chatting up any new girl, I even assumed new alias just to talk to him and have him to respond to me. Though all he did was to humiliate me in front of everyone I knew at the chatroom, by saying that I was crazy and delusional( now upon hindsight, I must have been to be so attracted to someone who was so unhealthy!)
Then I got relief when I knew that he was not with anyone even when he was cold and just rude to me.Four months later, he hooked up with one of the girls online whom I had spoken to as well when we were together. She lived in his neighbourhood. My ex-POA and I were from different countries, we had a long distance online relationship.That girl moved in with him just after 4 months but later I found out that he must have been talking to her while he was still with me. She moved in with him and lived the life which I thought was meant for me.
That was the point when I sought for help and decided to fight for myself to survive as I had sucidal thoughts and almost succeeded. I was on stress medication for a couple of months but they did nothing except to numb me to everything. It was very very painful. This was despite the fact that I knew that I did not want to have anything to do with him or anyone like him anymore. This was despite the fact that I knew that I had a disease and that it was the disease of love addiction that was making me feel this way, always paralysed with fear and constantly having thoughts of him that made me sad all the time.
After a year, I do feel better. After reading about love addiction, posting on this board(which hepls alot), doing things which I love to do and finding out what things that made me happy, the thoughts of my ex-POA disappeared day by day. It does take time and it was really frustrating as I wanted it to happen at once at the beginning. For all the pain to go away at once. But that was not the case, I had to sit with my feelings and just let it pass.
It is good that you have deleted your facebook and instagram apps and are not checking up on her, as this is another aspect of No Contact.You are not alone and it will get better. One day at a time. Hang in there! Let go and Let God.
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Post by chrysalis on Jan 19, 2014 21:56:44 GMT -8
You can read my story in the newcomers section on Path back to Self. I feel that our stories are similar. You are not alone. Do come back and post more on your recovery process here. It truly helps!
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Post by Greystorm on Jan 20, 2014 2:53:25 GMT -8
chrysalis, I read your story... Pretty heavy...
Like you, I saw the red flags all around, many of them, but the "need" to make it work, the "need" to be an angel to her, the "need" to make her happy, and therefore feel happy too, had blinded me. Now I know that the "needs" were.. addiction.
Like many men, my worst fear is not that she falls in love with someone else... it's the fear of her falling in bed with someone else. If - just if - she tolds me that loves another guy, but the guy don't even knows about her, I'd be good... But if I knew that another guy kissed her, or made sex with her... Good Lord, I don't want to think about it...
To mess the things up a little bit more, she is divorced (4yrs ago, her husband cheated on her and had a child with his mistress), and has a 5yr old son, who loves me very much, as I do love him too. His psychologist says I'm his male reference. We used to see each other on a daily basis for more than 3 years (since his 2 1/2 yrs old), and his father just see him 2 times a month. Eventually I end up developing a friendship with his father, who lives in another city and got married again. On father's day he gave me a hug, congratulated me, and thanked me for taking so good care of his son... And the mother, my PoA, never ever said a single word about being the "father" ou stepfather of her son...
But, going back to the post's main subject, even when I'm doing something to relieve my thoughts - like watching a movie, reading a book, whatever, I have these flashes of her in bed with someone else. It's torturing. I once had a panic attack because of it, and often use a sublingual Rivotril to relieve the anxiety that comes with these thoughts (with medical supervision, never more than 2 pills a day).
And last night I had a good dream about her... She was telling me that couldn't not hide anymore the fact that she loves me, and wanted to get back together... Then I woke up...
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Post by chrysalis on Jan 20, 2014 20:16:26 GMT -8
It is interesting that you mentioned about the dream. I remembered when my ex-POA had broken up with me and a month later, I had this dream of him too (I had kept a dream journal to keep track of my recovery process then as I process alot of my unresolved emotions through my dreams). I dreamt that he wanted to get back together with me and had begged me to be with him, that he was sorry. I only had this dream when I had decided in my heart that I truly did not want to be with him anymore and for a week I energetically cut him off from my aura in my meditations. I did not do it with hate but with compassion. I am not sure if you have heard of it but it is called etheral cord cutting. After spending some time with our lovers they have energy cords in our energy fields that still remains even when they are no longer in our lives.
Anyway, one of the effects of this is that after doing the cord cutting, sometimes our ex lovers will feel our energy no longer with them and get a panic attack and they appear in our dreams to stop it from happening. I have experienced even while I was in a relationship with him and many a times I just wanted to leave energetically, he would come back begging and pleading even mentioning that he has got a panic attack. Anyway, my point is, this could be that on a spiritual level you could have already cut off your relations with her in mind and body hence the dream. The feelings could be just the remnants. For months, I even had sexual dreams with him initiating it in the dreams that is, it was really a frustrating and confusing time as I just wanted to move on. So I kept on praying and working hard on my own recovery. After a while, the memories just dissipated along with the pain, what remained was just compassion for another being.
There is post here on thought stopping , that really helped me too.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 21, 2014 8:05:49 GMT -8
Hi Greystorm,
What worked for me when I was in your place are the following:
- I have had to 'unfriend' all our mutual friends or connections
- I have had to ask them to not mention POA to me
- I have had to learn to disassociate things from POA
- I have had to avoid triggering moments as much as possible and prepare a fallback or action plan (Steps that I can take in case I got triggered)
- I have had to replace my thoughts of POA with quotations, meditations, self-affirmation, prayers, proverbs, etc.
- I have had to regularly journal and sit with my feelings.
- I kept my recovery goals visible around me.
- Before I slept I prayed and meditated. If I still dreamed of POA. I just ignored it and did not spend time thinking about "what if"
- I mind my own business and detached from POA; not taking him hostage in my mind.
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Post by Greystorm on Jan 21, 2014 10:34:35 GMT -8
codepnomore, the first two itens I've done. The third one is difficult at the time. I think that moving out from her neighborhood will do some real good to me.
The difficult part will be change my habits, concerning the places I'd go for fun. We live in a big city (500.000 hab.), but with few options of bar, night clubs, etc.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 22, 2014 7:14:11 GMT -8
Yes, moving out helps. Changing habit takes discipline, determination, and commitment. Just one step at a time. You can do it.
If you have few options and still healing and raw, then perhaps better to avoid those places for the meantime. Anyway, bars and night clubs are not basic necessity for survival. Unlike an addiction that needs to be faced or dealt with in order to survive or live.
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Post by Greystorm on Jan 22, 2014 11:27:01 GMT -8
Thanks codepnomore. Indeed those places aren't absolutely necessary. But, given the fact that I gave up ALL my friends "in the name of love", I was thinking that "ressucitate" my social life could be heplful. However, having a second thought, I'd better wait until I feel more strong.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend about the whole issue of my deemed relationship, and about my fear, and suddenly he asked me: "What if someone told you that she is dating someone? Would it help you to move on?"
Do I need to tell that I felt all kinds of shivers down my spine?
When he noticed that I was about to have a panic attack, he clarified that she is not dating anyone, that was merely a rethorical question.
This fact showed me how unprepared I still am. Better stay "closed" a little more.
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Post by Greystorm on Jan 29, 2014 9:24:36 GMT -8
Today I talked to my parents again about my addiction, to clarify the condition to them.
I showed them Susan's book, discussed my feelings, explained about withdrawal, the importance of no contact, and that the concept of no contact involves no news at all about her.
Then, my father asked me: "What if I told you that [my PoA's name] is in a serious relationship with someone else? Would it make you let her go and recover?"
Instantly I felt my guts move. I started to think that maybe, since my sister and my sister-in-law still facebook friends with my PoA - as far as I know -, maybe they know something, and people are hiding it from me... I'd much prefer that they , in fact, hide it from me, but the possibility that it is really happening made me feel... oh boy... anxious is a word too small to describe how I'm feeling now.
As I said, I know it may sound strange, but in all of my break ups this is the main issue for me: when my PoA finds someone else. It makes me feel rejected, and angry because I'm like "well, here I am suffering her loss, and she doesn't give a d a m n... She moved on, just like that...". If I'd found someone else first would be easier for me to cope with this, but if I do it, I'll be just transfering the addiction to the new person.
I don't know if I'm making any sense at all, since my mind is a mess right now...
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Post by requin on Jan 29, 2014 9:54:02 GMT -8
I know how hard it is but you have to stop focussing on your POA and her life and focus on your own. The following is from codependnomore...it made me think of you! Detach from Unnecessary Distress and Despair Why do we often embrace, expand and wallow in our emotional pain? Emotional Pain Is A Powerful Distractor That Robs Us of Happiness and Spiritual Success. Engaging In Unnecessary Pain is Masochistic. So why do we do it? Emotional pain is a powerful source of negative energy that seizes and holds our attention. It’s nature’s way of saying we need to stop what we’re doing to take care of things. Thinking About Bad Things, and Reliving Painful Scenarios Gives Us Powerful Jolts of Negative Energy. They Are Our Own Personal Horror Shows. We are both energized and made miserable by this emotional pain. I’s a source of negative energy that brings misery. Sources of energy are attractive to us… laughter, love, great music, exercise, elevating experiences, triumphs and achievement. Emotional pain that gives us jolts of negative energy is also attractive, but in a misery making way. Remembering and Reliving Misery, Reinforces Our Misery. Reliving distressing situations becomes our own personal horror shows. They gives us jolts of energy with a large negative toll. Recognize it for what it is, a jolt of negative energy from a bad source. Ask yourself, “Is this positive or productive?” “Is this helping me in some way?” “Is this the best use of my time and attention?” If not, detach and decisively resolve to NOT to give it a moment more of your time, attention or well-being. Painful thoughts are robbing you of pleasant present opportunities for no reason. Detach and Distract Yourself from Destructive Misery, Distress and Despair. Resolve to Direct Your Attention to Positive, Pleasant Solutions, Opportunities and Activities. happinessblog.com/2007/detach-from-unnecessary-distress-and-despair/ Read more: loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/thread/15344/choose-happiness-today#ixzz2roLzNtlC |
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Post by Greystorm on Jan 29, 2014 11:06:51 GMT -8
requin, it is precisely what I'm trying to do: stop focussing on her. That's the reason why I asked my family and friends, a long time ago, to don't tell me anything about her. It is for this very same reason why I am staying far from facebook, instagram and etc. The same reason why, last week, I said to her best friend (who had became my best friend too) that I am going to "vanish" from their lives, that keep in touch with her was a form of keep in touch with my PoA, and it doesn't help my recovery at all. The questions you posed are very meaningful. I sort of already use them as "Thought Stoppers" and I even include another one "Keep thinking about this will make anything change?" But even though, when someone mentions anything about her, it affects me. Badly. Thanks for your answer! 
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Post by lotuspeony on Mar 7, 2017 16:07:23 GMT -8
This is really interested. I had a terrible dream in which my ex was with two women (having a threesome). I cried and screamed at him but he was cold and distant and didn't care. I started looking on instagram and found he had liked a sexy woman's photo and was friends with her on on FB. This is when we were back together ( he wouldn't add me as a friend on fb as he said I triggered HIM). Also, I found out she works at his work and he wouldn't let me meet him there. He used to tell me he loved me more than anyone he'd ever loved, that I was the love of his life but suddenly he changed. But maybe the dream is confirming he is with someone else (it's been 2 months since he blocked me but we had a crazy on off relationship). I tried to write emails but he never replied. I wrote my story in newcomers. I'm not really in a state to give advice, so just reading through and finding identification. I told him my worst fear was being left for another woman ( it's happened in my 3 major significant relationships before him). He said he would never do that to me and ppl that do that don't really love the person. He used to go to slaa and identifies as a love addict. But I know he has had loads of sexual affairs with women and 2 failed marriages ( both with children) and sometimes he has said he is an avoidant. Anyhow I am getting really obsessed. I know the advice I've been given is to stop imagining and come back to myself. I think I just never thought he'd truly leave me. It is interesting that you mentioned about the dream. I remembered when my ex-POA had broken up with me and a month later, I had this dream of him too (I had kept a dream journal to keep track of my recovery process then as I process alot of my unresolved emotions through my dreams). I dreamt that he wanted to get back together with me and had begged me to be with him, that he was sorry. I only had this dream when I had decided in my heart that I truly did not want to be with him anymore and for a week I energetically cut him off from my aura in my meditations. I did not do it with hate but with compassion. I am not sure if you have heard of it but it is called etheral cord cutting. After spending some time with our lovers they have energy cords in our energy fields that still remains even when they are no longer in our lives. Anyway, one of the effects of this is that after doing the cord cutting, sometimes our ex lovers will feel our energy no longer with them and get a panic attack and they appear in our dreams to stop it from happening. I have experienced even while I was in a relationship with him and many a times I just wanted to leave energetically, he would come back begging and pleading even mentioning that he has got a panic attack. Anyway, my point is, this could be that on a spiritual level you could have already cut off your relations with her in mind and body hence the dream. The feelings could be just the remnants. For months, I even had sexual dreams with him initiating it in the dreams that is, it was really a frustrating and confusing time as I just wanted to move on. So I kept on praying and working hard on my own recovery. After a while, the memories just dissipated along with the pain, what remained was just compassion for another being. There is post here on thought stopping , that really helped me too. |
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