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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 26, 2014 10:53:56 GMT -8
In recovery, it is absolutely necessary to have a clear and firm boundary.
For POA...
No Contact is my boundary:
That means I am blocking them from all forms of communication (Phone, Email, Facebook, WhatsApp, etc...) and stop talking and thinking about them too. Here in this forum, it means avoid focusing or writing about them (often).
For those in a relationship, especially Married ones...
Absolutely no way! I closed all my doors to them. I do not even give them a chance to come close to me. I do not flirt or spend time alone with an unavailable person. Marriage is sacred and anyone who does not show proper regard to that sacred boundary means they will not have regard for you and me as well. Getting involved in any way with a married person is a disgrace. Triangle is the most degrading kind of a 'relationship'.
Boundary With Self
I will not berate myself or speak bad of me. Calling me names or derogatory remarks. Instead I will affirm myself and celebrate who I am.
I will avoid toxic people, places, and things and choose wisely whom and what I will surround myself.
I will avoid triggers and have a back-up or action plan in case I got triggered.
I will forgive myself if I slip and get back to my recovery goals immediately.
I will sit with my feelings and not ignore it.
I will take charge of my emotions and not let it control me.
I will stay true to myself.
I will keep my values intact at all times.
I will not enter a relationship when I am not ready and not sure about it.
I will only have a relationship with someone equally healthy and it has to be mutual.
You can post here too your recovery boundary. It is good to write it down and share it openly as a reminder for you and encouragement to others.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 28, 2014 23:35:20 GMT -8
I am glad that I learned to have a healthy boundary and to respect others' boundary too. This is something hard for a Codependent to do. Therefore, I am grateful that I learned and developed it one step at a time through the years. It is helping me so much.
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 7, 2014 18:50:41 GMT -8
I honestly feel sad when a LA chooses to put up with an abuse because somehow they think they deserved it.
My inner child had a trauma with the abuses she had experienced and seen from unhealthy relationships. That is why in real life, my boundary with others is to detach from their unhealthy choices. It is not my business what they do or don't do for themselves. So when they ask for an advice or suggestion, I only give once or twice and then detach myself from their decision. Well, I am going to apply this here as well.
I have to remind myself that sometimes we have to hit the bottom before we realized that our choices were bad for us.
I liked what Susan said, "love them from a.......... d i s t a n c e." (Written with my bold emphasis)
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 14, 2014 18:46:04 GMT -8
Someone close to me whom I felt so much attraction has been keeping in-touch with me. (She just sent me a very hot photo of herself.) There are many who has shown me interest but she is the only female whom I truly adored and had fantasized about. She is the epitome of sexiness. She was my dream girl.
However, my boundary with self is no more same sex attraction and no more fantasy with anyone. Kill the attraction before it consumes me.
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 20, 2014 20:22:09 GMT -8
I am very happy. I am succeeding with my boundary. I am not entertaining thoughts of attraction. For I know that "charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting." Thanks to self-control for helping me out.
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 23, 2014 18:39:17 GMT -8
I can very well relate with someone's post regarding "visual stimuli". I used to run to it for instant gratification, escape to fantasy, and false relief of discomfort. However, I have been replacing it with learning a new skill or honing an existing one and it is working well for me.
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Post by CodepNomore on Mar 2, 2014 19:46:56 GMT -8
Due to the sexual abuses I have had with a pedophile, a sex addict (child of an alcoholic), and a husband who "forced himself" to me and used me as a sex object, I am fully aware that I could easily turn on a person and "burn" myself quickly as well. In order to prevent any trigger as much as possible, I have set my boundary on sexual stuff:
- Avoid watching, reading, looking, listening to any sexually suggestive or racy stuff. (They only caused me to fantasize, turn to instant gratification, wander, act naive, etc....)
- Avoid entertaining any sexual thought or attraction. (Sexual fantasy creates more addiction or obsession.)
- Avoid the bedroom of a man or woman whom I am attracted to. (My greatest slips and worst mistakes happened in the bedroom.)
Yes, in the past I was a victim and there was nothing I could do about it anymore especially when I was a minor. However, since then I have been taking responsibility of my life already. I knew already my limitations, triggers, and weaknesses. Therefore, I took action and created this boundary. And it is truly helping me so much.
I am encouraging you to make one as well for you. Because we do not have control over other people. We can only do our part to protect ourselves such as by setting a firm boundary like this.
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Post by Carito1988 on Mar 3, 2014 18:10:35 GMT -8
Hi codepnomore, Yeah you are right, it is very important to set good boundaries to avoid and protect ourselves from this addiction. Thank you for your posts Carito
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Post by CodepNomore on Mar 4, 2014 1:38:30 GMT -8
Hi Carito1988,
Thank you for your positive feedback.
Yes, I noticed big difference between having a firm, good boundary and not having one. Boundary keeps me in the right path. Gives me a clear direction. Makes me aware of what is going on and how am I doing. At the same time, it gives me an idea whether a person is right or good for me or not. In the sense, if s/he can respects my boundary or not.
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Post by CodepNomore on Mar 10, 2014 9:58:07 GMT -8
I badly needed to have this...
My Communication Boundary:
I will be more selective and not waste my time anymore with unproductive communication. Instead save my time, energy, wisdom and strength for things that have values for the long run.
What is unproductive to me is going back and forth; over explaining myself or a point; it is not mutual (one is not interested, problem-focused, too emotional or easily offended or intimidated, and evasive or elusive); and if it triggers me to fantasize or lose my peace.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jun 16, 2014 7:07:49 GMT -8
My best defense against toxic people is a firm boundary. I say no to them and mean it by keeping my distance away from them.
I have to be vigilant, diligent and consistent with my behavior because it speaks louder than my words. And whether I plant good or bad seed, it will all add up until harvest time.
One things leads to another. When I neglect my need or inner child, I become hungry for attention and opening myself to acting out with other people. On the other hand, when I am filled and full by meeting my own needs, I am able to see things clearly and stay on the right path.
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Post by Carito1988 on Jun 16, 2014 13:52:47 GMT -8
Thank you for your posts codepnomore, I am totally agree with you. Right now, being alone in a country far away from family and other people, I just realized by doing the steps, that there is not only one thing to get better, that is: relationships with men and getting good boundaries with me in this area, I have to change more:
These days I have been really insecure of what I really want, well I am not old but I have 26 years old and that is enough years to be independent and more secure with my things and my life. I say this, because I decided to came here in this country to validate my profetion and having a good job so I can earn more money, but there were other reasons behind that, which make me decided to do this travel, and they were: the happiness of my family, get away at least from a time of people I get involved (my POA), earn money and came back to my country in some years. Well, I think they were not the right choises and decisitions to make this travel. I am a person who has been waiting that people tell me what do I need to do, because I have an image of myself of being a person who can not take really good decitions because I just make errors.
I have to grow up on these things, I have to see me as a women confindent of myself, secure of the things I am doing, and happy with my life for the things I am doing with myself.
Thanks God recovery is a process, because there are so many things that I need to change that I really do not know where to start. I think I will start by giving me the opportunity to continue living alone, this just has helped to open my eyes and see these others things that are behind a relationship that are making me to active the obsession with love and relationships.
Carito.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jun 17, 2014 22:53:39 GMT -8
Thanks for sharing Carito1988. What you said are right and true. Speaking of being and living alone... Considering that I used to depend on my wealthy father, boyfriends and husband to provide for me, I never in my wildest dream thought I would take that "alone" path far away from home. However, it turns out that living alone is a blessing and an opportunity. In fact, it is one of the greatest moments of my life. It is very empowering, liberating, and enriching. It made me who I am today. So that is good for you. Keep us posted. We are here for you.
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Post by Carito1988 on Jun 20, 2014 3:59:17 GMT -8
Thank you codepnomore, I think that I need a new life and a new starting. Actually one of the mistakes that I made was thinking that avoiding having friends is a good boundary to avoid getting hurt, since I finished another relationship which make me live terrible things 5 years ago I have been living like this.
But now with my last POA, the one I let enter into my life, and it was a mess, and doing this withdrawal process I see me all alone of friends, I know it will be easier for me to have friends who support me on this things, but anyways I guess that is another thing I need to change. I have just avoid so many friendship for this guy, so it was not at all a good boundary.
Now that I am single again, well I feel so much fear, sad and I do not where to start to recover from this mess. But I will continue on this. I pray for me to get me aout of this mess.
Carito.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jun 24, 2014 1:45:49 GMT -8
Carito1988, You already have come a long way. You are just learning new things. I supposed we all have had those times when it is hard to trust and open ourselves to (new) friendship again. But you can do it; you can begin again. Just let your God be your guide and strength to these unknown paths one day at a time. We may not know what the future holds but he does and he already prepared it in advance for us.
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Post by Carito1988 on Jun 24, 2014 7:10:52 GMT -8
Hi codepnomore,
Thank you for your words. Yes, you are right, Im now in this process to know me better and heal many things I have been carrying with me for a long time which are not good for me.
I just need to trust more in God, and let him show me the next steps without hurting anybody and myself.
Carito
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 26, 2014 21:32:11 GMT -8
I am open for any discussion under the sun and I am not moved in any way by drama. Anyone is free to give their opinion about me too. Call me whatever you may want to call me. Haha. Honestly, I am too confident and matured to get offended by any of that. I have gone through a lot and was able to overcome it all by the grace of God. So everything else becomes too minor for me to fuss about.
I think the stronger I become in recovery, the harder it gets for me to get offended and be swayed by drama. The only thing I have to implement in my recovery boundary is avoid time-waster. Time-waster can be anything from duplicating my effort in explaining a point to hardened hearts and deaf ears to getting distracted from my real priorities. Like here in this board, I come here to support and help those who admit their issues and are willing to take the necessary solutions for their recovery. So that is where I should focus on and avoid wasting time going around in circles with those who aren't. That's it.
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 4, 2014 6:41:45 GMT -8
. From Susan . . . I set this boundary years ago. I believe, in the recovery community there is too much venting about the problem and not enough discussion of the solution. I also feel more and more people getting stuck. Those who do work hard, and do what is suggested, get tired of this and move on. Then it is the blind leading the blind. I grew up in Alcoholics Anonymous. Those who made no progress were asked to listen and not speak until they had something to talk about. The implication was that they could talk when they had some recovery under their belt. They could talk about their progress. They were never asked to leave. And we do not ask anyone to leave. There is a forum for those who are not in recovery and need to vent. This is all very controversial. In 1982 they talked about it at my first business meeting. I can only speak for myself at this time. I believe Co-DA, Alanon, SLAA and other 12-Step programs are floundering because nobody is getting past the "talking about the problem" phase. This is why I wrote the Art of Changing. Neither C or I want this to turn into a thread. This just is how we feel and what we are going to do. You must decide for yourself what role you want to play as wounded healers to the newcomers who flounder. God bless you all.
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Post by Havefaith on Nov 4, 2014 16:32:49 GMT -8
I grew up in a chaotic household, rife with "toxic drama". It triggers me. A lot. Even though it is not healthy, it is very familiar, and if I am not careful, I can find myself gravitating towards that 'familiar' feeling and throwing myself into the fray of others' toxic drama.
When I feel myself going down that road, I have to remind myself that it is NOT healthy, it is an old habit of fixating on others, taking care of them, people-pleasing and potentially entering into an unhealthy, codependent 'relationship' (such as what happened with me and my parents), and, hence, neglecting my own legitimate needs.
Keeping boundaries, indeed... Or nobody moves forward...
HaveFaith
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 5, 2014 4:26:09 GMT -8
Thank you very much, Havefaith & Susan for your support and great insights. I am comforted that I was not the only one among old-timers who feel this way. Havefaith, your sharing made me realized that I am neglecting my legitimate...calling, when I get involved with toxic drama and doing so is not healthy. susan, I like your open-mindedness and I absolutely agree with your solution-focused recovery methods. And as for..."what role you want to play as wounded healers to the newcomers who flounder..." Well, to those who show effort to change (by doing NC, etc.), I will give my total support. But to those who refused to let go of their POA or triangle relationship, I will not waste my time anymore. I am completely turned-off by those who treat their POA as a Higher Power. I just can't stand it. From Susan . . . I admire you so much for creating this boundary to protect you and your inner child. I too have made this decision as others must make theirs. I am with you one hundred percent. The reason I am so happy that you made this decision is not just because I love you and want you to be happy and safe, if you take care of yourself you will not leave us out of exhaustion. Thanks for setting this boundary instead of leaving. We need you.
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 30, 2014 4:25:00 GMT -8
I have had traumatic betrayals almost year after year these past few yrs. So I am compelled to have a stricter boundary when it comes to getting "up close and personal". I cannot afford to be careless and be that accommodating anymore. My career is at its all-time best. Many look up to me as their leader/mentor.
I just had a dream that is why I remember this.
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 20, 2014 7:29:31 GMT -8
I am removing two "lifeless" friends from my list who are not worthy to keep in touch with anymore. They only appear when they need something from me but would quickly disappear after they're done taking already. Anyway, I met them long ago with my less than great standard at that time.
I have added new people on my list that have more "life" and "love" in them.
It is good to have regular inventory of our contact list and remove those useless, meaningless ones.
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Post by mgavin5306 on Jan 2, 2015 9:28:16 GMT -8
I have relapsed with POA. He is toxic to me. Brings drama. Had an affair with someone at my workplace under my nose for months. Totally put me in a bad space. I should not even be giving him time if day to speak to me. I'm trying to find that strength to enter into NC so I can regain my self respect and peace back.
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Post by mgavin5306 on Jan 2, 2015 9:34:55 GMT -8
I have relapsed with POA. He is toxic to me. Brings drama. Had an affair with someone at my workplace under my nose for months. Totally put me in a bad space. I should not even be giving him time if day to speak to me. I'm trying to find that strength to enter into NC so I can regain my self respect and peace.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 5, 2015 16:50:30 GMT -8
Welcome mgavin5306, At least you are now aware what is really going on and what you deserve. Just detach from your toxic POA by setting up a boundary like "No Contact", is your powerful tool. You can start NC on a daily or hourly basis in the beginning. What matters is you start, keep trying, and keep going. We are here for you. Let us know how you are doing.
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Post by loveellen on Jan 11, 2015 10:52:35 GMT -8
I am removing two "lifeless" friends from my list who are not worthy to keep in touch with anymore. They only appear when they need something from me but would quickly disappear after they're done taking already. Anyway, I met them long ago with my less than great standard at that time. I have added new people on my list that have more "life" and "love" in them. It is good to have regular inventory of our contact list and remove those useless, meaningless ones. this is very very great, most previous life waste in garbage people, lots of toxics.. i am learning to stop it.. better with being a lone with HP
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 18, 2015 7:41:22 GMT -8
I am removing two "lifeless" friends from my list who are not worthy to keep in touch with anymore. They only appear when they need something from me but would quickly disappear after they're done taking already. Anyway, I met them long ago with my less than great standard at that time. I have added new people on my list that have more "life" and "love" in them. It is good to have regular inventory of our contact list and remove those useless, meaningless ones. Update : One of them just sent me an invitation. I did not even bother to reply. So she could "taste her own medicine" and realize that friendship is not to be taken for granted or ignored. Any relationship is a give and take and not one-sided only, unless one has a disability or something "excusable".
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Post by SeasonsChange on Jan 28, 2015 9:57:25 GMT -8
I am removing two "lifeless" friends from my list who are not worthy to keep in touch with anymore. They only appear when they need something from me but would quickly disappear after they're done taking already. Anyway, I met them long ago with my less than great standard at that time. I have added new people on my list that have more "life" and "love" in them. It is good to have regular inventory of our contact list and remove those useless, meaningless ones. Wow! This feels so contrary to my old way of collecting people and taking care of them and their emotions...yet I feel such freedom and life from this idea. Even to removing contacts (from my phone and email, etc.) and just allowing them to fall away. such a weird thought to a self-confessed "people collector" I have noticed that with many people in my life over the years I feel guilty because I don't call them or set up times together, etc. and then I'm always repeating the "aha moment" of remembering that it goes both ways! Phones and emails and texts are not one sided. Ha ha I do have one very dear friend who almost NEVER initiates us getting together but relies on me to do so. I understand because she is often depressed and overwhelmed and busy (like me)....but it still bothers me. Should I just talk to her about it? I don't want her to get performance anxiety, because I know her, she will try to remedy the problem for a while and then fall back into her old ways. I think I will just only contact her if *i* miss her and want to talk. And I will not feel guilty for letting too much time pass and check up on her. Unless it's really on my heart to do so because I WANT to, not because I feel obligated to do so.
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Post by ~w~ on Jan 29, 2015 23:54:23 GMT -8
My friends fall off because they weren't my real friends. I ve got 1 friend we don't speak that often but when we do it's like we never been apart. And yes it's very true friendship supposed to be two ways. I feel guilty if I don't contact my other friend , and only contact her when I need her help. Tho she barely contacts me .. I used to be on my own , but I miss good friend who cares about me as the way I do. My life style also sorts it out. Single with kids, have more responsibilities then woman who without kids. Thank you
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 16, 2015 18:29:52 GMT -8
"Care No More"
I will not care anymore if someone goes to toxic people, place, stuff. As long as *I* am personally avoiding them.
I will not care anymore if someone wants to stay in an abusive relationship. As long as *I am* free from it all.
I will not care anymore if there is flattery, pretension, fake stuff going on. As long as I don't buy them or use them and am living in all honesty and speaking in truth.
I will not care anymore to give advice to those who just want to hear what they want to hear. The important thing is I am sought after and getting paid for my professional input/take in real life.
I will not care anymore if anyone wants to meddle with my personal sharing, experience, and insight here. What counts is I am enjoying my freedom in my everyday life. I love the people around me and they love me too.
- Codepnomore *care no more*
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