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Post by peacelovesunshine on Jan 29, 2014 15:27:42 GMT -8
I have read over and over about insecurities, fear of abandonment, love addiction, etc.....I have several books, articles, and have spent hours and hours (over several years) searching on the internet. I have completed workbooks, written in journals, etc.
Everything always says this must stem from childhood. But I don't see it. My parents divorced when I was 6. They did argue some prior to, but I only remember a few arguments and they always stopped when my brother or I walked into the room. My dad always stuck around, just about a half hour away, we saw him every other weekend, and all summers. My mom was supportive, perhaps I always saw her as a little critical--she pushed us to be smart, and independent. And I appreciate that. She was never abusive (we got spankings, of course, and she expressed her anger when we frustrated her, but we were also allowed to express ours). We communicated well. I think in my teens, we went through the regular mother-daughter apron-string-cutting process that is normal, for me to be able to separate from her and us be able to shift into my adulthood. I see nothing unusual, in fact, it all seems quite healthy and supported by things I've read as well.
My father stayed around, was always supportive, inquisitive, communicative. Both my parents were disciplinarians, but not overly so. Like I said, we got spanked, but that was normal, especially in the 70s/80s. I have had and continue to have close relationships with both parents. Throughout our childhood, they always supported each other's decisions, even if they disagreed in private. But they continued to present a united front to us, even though dad had remarried. I remember being surprised later in life to find that most of the kids I knew from divorced parents were going through things much much worse......To this day, I cannot see anything that I lacked, emotionally or otherwise from either parent.
I believe my insecurities began in my marriage, in my mid to late 20s. Is this not normal? All stuff refers to an inner child......are there other events from my childhood, other than my parents, that could have sparked this? I did always have low self-esteem....was always a little overweight, didn't date much, my parents focused on my education--beauty came from within, etc. I am not ugly by any means, but did find later in life that many of the guys in middle and high school thought I was beautiful. (Would have been nice to hear it THEN, but whatever....lol) This is the only thing I can think of that would have incurred these insecurities, but the fear of abandonment? The love addiction? I didn't even lose my virginity until 19, only went on about 4 dates prior to that during high school. No one had an opportunity to leave.......so I just don't get it.
Thoughts?
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Post by James C T on Feb 2, 2014 14:02:04 GMT -8
One possibility: the scarring events may predate your ability to form retrievable memories from them.
You may also be suffering from "the death of a thousand cuts". What I mean by that is that while there are one or two incidents I remember vividly, for the most part, my childhood scarring came from small things, like stumbling one time and from that point on everyone in my family saying I'm clumsy, my parents never allowing anyone over (suggesting that we can't ever let other people get close to us), my family's incessant use of sarcastic humor, and other little small things that when added together create big damage.
Something to consider. YMMV.
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Post by Greystorm on Feb 2, 2014 15:30:12 GMT -8
peacelovesunshine, I couldn't pinpoint any childhood trauma too. I have supportive parents, who are still married after 40 years, had a healthy childhood... ... But I was very, very shy. I think that my addiction comes from the extreme fear of rejection by my peers in childhood and the begining of my adolescence. I was always a bit lonely, never had many friends. There were no bullying at all, but I felt rejected. I think that my last relationship became so addictive because of that. My PoA was my "dreamgirl" when I was 15, and when I began a relationship with her 20 years later, I could barely believe! Even better, all the people that I used to admire when I was a child were mutual friends, and EVERYBODY expressed their admiration with our relationship. EVERYBODY said to her good things about me, and how lucky she was to have a guy like me. My relationship with my PoA represented the approval by peers that I so much wanted.
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 3, 2014 6:18:12 GMT -8
I had a GREAT childhood! Certainly not bad enough to warrant love addiction (yes there were a few issues, but…). More than anything, I believe was born with an inherent laziness and neediness for people. And simply put, I didn't want to grow up. It's part of my nature. That being said, I am not a big believer in analyzing the past. I AM a big believer in taking a look at your behavior NOW and trying to learn ways to make it healthier.  |
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Post by CodepNomore on Feb 3, 2014 8:09:45 GMT -8
I could not absolutely say that I had a great childhood but for the most part my parents were great with me. But yes, my past sexual abuses have had some effects on me. Nevertheless, it is still my current choices that are shaping me. It is up to me now.
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Post by looking4peace on Feb 3, 2014 17:03:22 GMT -8
Well said, my current choices are shaping me now. I am making mistakes, but am committed. My past sexual abuse does not define me. I am defining myself. Not all is rosy, but it is me
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Post by peacelovesunshine on Feb 7, 2014 20:43:05 GMT -8
James C T, I think you may be onto something with the little tiny things. And Greystorm, your description of yourself fits me as well. Always shy in elementary and middle school.....I talked a lot, but never had the confidence I have now in my life (barring my romantic endeavors). I was pushed to be independent and intelligent....the "looks" and "dating" and "girly" stuff was never a priority. And I'm thankful I got pushed in this direction, but wish I'd had a chance to build some confidence with guys. I never had a boyfriend and went on only two dates in high school. Both were disasters (one was with a guy I found completely boring, I feigned sick and went home early....the second was with a guy a year older than me, and he tried to make several sexual advances towards me, and I was repulsed by him....so I went home early) and it didn't encourage me to try to date much more. And I couldn't really talk with anyone about it, and I never got asked out except those two times.
I met my soon to be husband when I was 19, he did all the pursuing, and I was tremendously attracted to him, and was smitten. I allowed him to lead the relationship, I liked someone having that kind of control over me, it felt new and exhilarating.
Anyway, I guess I said all that to say, yes, I agree with you both.....perhaps not a single significant trauma, but a series of little events surrounding my self-image and self-worth when it comes to love. Needing acceptance for my beauty and sexuality as well as for my brains. Still looking for that......
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Post by chrysalis on Feb 8, 2014 7:47:33 GMT -8
I had a thought today about childhood trauma. Since the basis for love addiction comes from childhood trauma, I was wondering whether it is possible to have experienced trauma while we were in our mothers' wombs. While I did not experience childhood trauma from my parents but rather from my extended family members. My parents were constantly fending them off and I lived in fear of them as my parents would always quarrel because of their constant attention seeking ways. Anyway, I remember my mum telling me that she really did not want to have a female child and once she learnt that she was expecting one, she became afraid as she was emotionally abused by her elder sister and did not receive support from the other female relatives in her life. She thought that I would turn out "bad" too. While she was pregnant with me, she was depressed too as her in-laws were constantly harrassing her and making her do chores and they made it known to her that I was not welcome in the family. I was wondering though I had not been born yet and was still in my mother's womb, could I have felt the abandonment and fear all around me ethreally?
Also, my ex-POA was treated the same way when he was in his mother's womb too. He was unwanted throughout the pregnancy, his mother had done drugs throughout her pregnancy. Also, he had died shortly after he was born and was resuscitated. I do not know why but I connected with him on this point. It was only now when I realised why that though different we were both abandoned while in the womb. So is this possible this abandonment in the womb that could translate to feelings of fear of abandonment later?
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Post by dhafirah on Feb 8, 2014 19:20:49 GMT -8
I too was shy as a child and kept to myself most of the time. I was also teased. I had friends but not many that were close. I did not socialize much with boys other than my brothers. I had crushes on boys in middle and high school but they did not return the interest. I had my first and only childhood boyfriend when I was in the fifth grade. After I became an adult and the first man showed interest in me, I was so excited and became addicted to the attention. It did not matter if there was no chance the "relationship" would work because he was unavailable. This attention helped me to escape my own insecurities, lack of self-love, and self-doubt. I felt accepted by someone other than my family and friends.
Now I am realizing that I do not need a man's attention (especially the wrong one) to prove to the world that I am lovable and capable of receiving love. If someone does not want to be with me that has nothing to do with my self-worth. It just means he is not the right one for me and I am not the right one for him. I am appreciating this time alone because I am able to discover who I really am, what I am capable of, and what my contribution is to others. Also I am using this time to determine what kind of man should be in my life if God Wills that I have one.
My shyness and need for acceptance also reflected in my childhood friendships. I felt important in high school if I hung out with other girls who may not be close friends. My close friends changed over the years. Until one day in 1999 I met my best friend. We have been through alot in our personal lives and don't even live in the same state now but our friendship is unique and strong. I am thankful for all my friends. Although they are few, they are real. I pay close attention to each friendship and make sure I am contributing and am present because I want to be there and not because there is a need.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 10, 2014 14:21:54 GMT -8
Trauma includes situations in which no one is responsible.
Illness
Hospitalization
being teased
being forced to go to a funeral
last to be called
mean teacher
depressed or sad parent who does not make eye contact
angry parent
parent loses job
shyness
car addict
breaking a bone
working parents
divorce
staying with relatives while a parent is ill . . .
add to this list . . .
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