Post by dhafirah on Jan 30, 2014 8:40:37 GMT -8
My older brother and I had a wonderful, long conversation on the phone yesterday. I so appreciate his call because I was feeling down and wanted to talk to someone who could relate to me. This brother is the one who tried to hold the family together by standing up to my father and protecting the rest of the children. Anyway, he and I started catching up on what was going on with the family. The conversation turned to what we experienced as children and how it still impacts us today. I know what I felt as a child but it's interesting to know what my brothers and sisters felt. Each of us experienced the neglect.
I opened up to my brother that I was seeing a therapist and that I realized that something was wrong me, how I viewed myself, and who I choose to be with in relationships (he could definitely agree with that). He also opened up and let me know that he still thinks about how our father neglected us by focusing on himself and what he wanted. My brother cannot recall one time my father said he loved him.
My mother was focused on giving my father what he wanted. I will say that my mother tried to focus on us. She knew who we were. But we had the best times with our mother when our father was not around. As soon as he came around it was back to attending to his "needs". My parents were like teenagers absorbed in the roles they have with each other. My mother was his number one supporter and he was her knight in shining armor. My father expected his children to survive off of rules and the basic necessities (which I am grateful for today).
Everything that went on in the house focused on what my father approved of and what he forbade. My mother could not pick out the living room furniture. He did. Us children could not be loud in the house. Even if it was because we were happy and excited. My parents were very religious. My father used religion to justify the way what he said and did. It seemed like everyone was wrong except him (and this included his children). When my brothers and I wanted to go over our friends' house we wrote a note and put it on the kitchen table for our father to see because we did not want to ask him face to face. Also my mother got tired of asking for us (she did not like seeing us distant from our father).
Our father knew about each of us through our mother. In other words he did not know what our interests were or our personalities without her telling him. My father did not tell me about men. He left me to make my own mistakes (choices) and then had something to say after I made them. My mother did not prepare my sister and I for relationships and even "women" issues in general. We came to her when things happened because we needed answers.
At the end of the conversation, my brother and I both concluded that we cannot change what happened, accept how our parents are, and must let the negative emotions go in order to live a productive life. We also realized that we still have to work on our thinking so that our childhood no longer harms us and does not impact in a negative way how we raise our children. My siblings and I are survivors but some of us were missing tools to love ourselves, express love, cope in relationships, communicate with other each other when we disagreed, and feel secure within ourselves. We all wanted to move out the house when we were grown to escape and not because we were all prepared. I believe our fight against our father's ways (most of us rebelled against our father, including myself) also helps us to fight and not give up on ourselves when we see our own flaws. We have each other to compare notes, support, and express how we still feel.
I do see a softer and more present side to my parents when they are with their grandchildren. After I got off the phone, I was thinking about my own kids. I never want them to have a conversation like this with each other when they become adults. They are the main reason I want to break the cycle.
I opened up to my brother that I was seeing a therapist and that I realized that something was wrong me, how I viewed myself, and who I choose to be with in relationships (he could definitely agree with that). He also opened up and let me know that he still thinks about how our father neglected us by focusing on himself and what he wanted. My brother cannot recall one time my father said he loved him.
My mother was focused on giving my father what he wanted. I will say that my mother tried to focus on us. She knew who we were. But we had the best times with our mother when our father was not around. As soon as he came around it was back to attending to his "needs". My parents were like teenagers absorbed in the roles they have with each other. My mother was his number one supporter and he was her knight in shining armor. My father expected his children to survive off of rules and the basic necessities (which I am grateful for today).
Everything that went on in the house focused on what my father approved of and what he forbade. My mother could not pick out the living room furniture. He did. Us children could not be loud in the house. Even if it was because we were happy and excited. My parents were very religious. My father used religion to justify the way what he said and did. It seemed like everyone was wrong except him (and this included his children). When my brothers and I wanted to go over our friends' house we wrote a note and put it on the kitchen table for our father to see because we did not want to ask him face to face. Also my mother got tired of asking for us (she did not like seeing us distant from our father).
Our father knew about each of us through our mother. In other words he did not know what our interests were or our personalities without her telling him. My father did not tell me about men. He left me to make my own mistakes (choices) and then had something to say after I made them. My mother did not prepare my sister and I for relationships and even "women" issues in general. We came to her when things happened because we needed answers.
At the end of the conversation, my brother and I both concluded that we cannot change what happened, accept how our parents are, and must let the negative emotions go in order to live a productive life. We also realized that we still have to work on our thinking so that our childhood no longer harms us and does not impact in a negative way how we raise our children. My siblings and I are survivors but some of us were missing tools to love ourselves, express love, cope in relationships, communicate with other each other when we disagreed, and feel secure within ourselves. We all wanted to move out the house when we were grown to escape and not because we were all prepared. I believe our fight against our father's ways (most of us rebelled against our father, including myself) also helps us to fight and not give up on ourselves when we see our own flaws. We have each other to compare notes, support, and express how we still feel.
I do see a softer and more present side to my parents when they are with their grandchildren. After I got off the phone, I was thinking about my own kids. I never want them to have a conversation like this with each other when they become adults. They are the main reason I want to break the cycle.
