Help Heal Your Inner Child

She said she is tired now from taking others' problems as her own and from getting involved in their affairs.

I understand that very well. One very wise thing a person told me, as I was getting into recovery, was that he reminded himself often to "Carry the message, not the mess" with fellow addicts. And he advised me to heed this sage advice. As I get healthier, I have to be VERY careful, as you say codepnomore, to not "take others' problems as my own and get involved their affairs." I have to vigilantly guard my boundaries not only on this forum, but in every day life.

Taking on others' needs/messes gets me re-involved in the adolescent hijinks/drama that my addiction thrives on. Sadly, it's in my nature (due to being raised in a dramatic, chaotic and dysfunctional environment) to carry the mess and not the message!

I do want to carry a message of strength, experience and hope -- but remind myself frequently that it's not my job to take on others' problems and play therapist with them. It's exhausting and not healthy for anyone...

HaveFaith

It's not possible for someone else to "put" us into any role we don't want. They can want what they want from me, but no-one puts me into a role. I have to take that role on (or not). If you used to pander in the past, that's why you "get put" in this role. People have come to expect it from you. Not right or wrong, we're just like that.

I think you probably already know this from how you handled it, I wanted to point out how the way we talk about things can be misleading and propels the myth that other people have that kind of power, and I therefore have that kind of vulnerability- "she made me" etc, is never true.



Likewise, no-one can force us to act any way, without a gun. And even then, we choose to go along with it, wisely, to avoid being hurt. In a normal situation where someone, again, wants something from me, it's my choice if I give it or not. She can get really angry or whatever, that's up to her. It's always my choice what I do or don't do.

On another level it's all choiceless, but that can be confusing and can be used as a spiritual excuse to act out. While we think we have a choice, we should use it wisely and with full comprehension.

(should/could/can, you know)

What I have experienced with doing my inner child work, is this I still have days when I struggle with my inner child, but I don't act out in a emotional unhealthy way anymore, I have learned how to identify what and why I am feeling certain things, and I can address each situation in an adult way now. And this is not to say that my inner child does not still have fits, my inner child does, and I just have to sit through this pain, and comfort her, but it also teaches me a lesson on where and what I want to be around now in my life. Drama and chaos are not real appealing to me today. Even though at one time it was all that I knew, and I thought this was normal, and the normal way to live, because this is how I was raised, my home was also full of drama and chaos, being raised by 2 alcoholic parents.

My codependency was caused from having alcoholic parents, plus I was adopted as well.

My damaged inner child started at a very early age because of this, I had to grow up to fast, the roles were reverse I was raising my parents.

I did not have healthy coping skills with life, I had survival skills, but with recovery I don't have to survive any longer, I have to cope with life now on a daily basis. And I have learned through doing my inner child work, that is it perfectly normal to make mistakes, and I am ok with this today.

Perfectionism is also what was learned early on in my life, because I was the little peace maker and the little mother in the house, and if everything was perfect mom and dad would not drink, and there would be no fussing and fighting in the household, I carried this over into my adult life as well, and I can see now with a lot of work on myself, and being able to identify these things, this is what kept me drunk for so long.

I just could not make people happy, and people pleasing is also a trait from all of this as well.

So this is a process of being able to go back from as far back as you can remember in your life, and work with a sponsor or a counselor, as it is suggested in John Bradshaw's book as well "Homecoming, Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child" and you work thorugh this process. Through different age stages, and not all at once.

This was painful for me when I was doing this work, but once I was able to heal my Little Carolyn, and I could understand my actions to other people, it really gave me a lot of relief. No one has the power to ever hurt me or my little Carolyn again.

I finally have healthy boundaries, and people might cross them once or twice, but after that and I feel my little Carolyn crying and hurting, these people will not be in my inner circle any longer. And I have no problem today telling people, why this is, and that they have hurt my feelings. It has caused me trust issues and I still deal with this today. But with recovery and knowing who is trustworthy, I can open up some and let healthy people in my life.

I have learned the difference between being "aggressive" (unhealthy), this is how I use to act, and "assertive" (healthy) this is how I express myself today. I love a healthy debate. hahaha

When I feel like my blood is about to boil about someone or some issue, I have set a rule for myself, and I give myself 24 hours just so I can identify what I am really feeling about the situation, it is really me? or am I trying to control something that is out of my control, or is it the other person trying to manipulate me into to doing something I really don't want to do. Yes you have to be totally conscious of people and their actions and motives. Because I know if I do something that I don't want to do in the first place, I will end up with a huge resentment.

This is what doing this Inner Child Work has done for me.

Emotions are childlike, and Logic is adult like, and today I know the difference.

I am not a people pleaser anymore, and I have been called naive and crazy and a lot of other things all of my life, and I really believed these things for many many years, because I did not want to hurt someone feelings by telling them they hurt my feelings, so I drank over this, and when I was drunk I would call and cuss them out. naive is not a word that I will accept from anyone today. I might be a little crazy, but I am not naive. I have also learned that some people say these things because deep down they are jealous of me, and deep down I intimidate them, never knew this before, because my self esteem was so low, but I know this today, and I can spot people trying to manipulate me today.

Well today I don't have to do this any longer, I will let you know you have hurt me, if it is necessary. Because still today my inner child hurts and I just have to comfort her, and I know the pain will pass and I will be okay.

But I am hardly ever angry today, because I don't let people push me around anymore, and it is okay for me to speak up for myself, and it is okay if people don't agree with me, this does not mean we still cant be friends.

It is very freeing and I finally have grown up at 50 years old, and I don't have to drink alcohol, or run and hide from myself anymore.

You don't outgrow this, but you do learn all about yourself and you love yourself and you just don't put up with this any longer.

I strongly believe that if you do not know your own inner child and would not meet your own needs, you will continually be frustrated with others. Because you will keep expecting and/or relying on outside source to fill your unmet needs from within which only you and God can truly meet.

I would like to share my recent self-discovery:


I found out that the "attraction" I felt suddenly out of the blue and the "connection" I tended to want through messaging or texting late last month were brought about by my inner child...She is used to having someone to look up to and attach herself to.


I think if we would only look closer inwardly and dig deeper we would know ourselves better and more things will be revealed to us. And finding our inner child would be a good start.

Oh is that so Susan? Thank you for saying so.


This is an excerpt from wounded-inner-child-mindfulness...


"MINDFULNESS PRACTICE
HEALING THE INNER CHILD"


Venturing into the territory of suffering
“Dealing with suffering is like handling a poisonous snake. We have to learn about the snake, and we ourselves have to grow stronger and more stable in order to handle it without hurting ourselves. At the end of this process, we will be ready to confront the snake. If we never confront it, one day it will surprise us and we will die of a snake bite. The pain we carry in the deep levels of our consciousness is similar. When it grows big and confronts us, there’s nothing we can do if we haven’t practiced becoming strong and stable in mindfulness. We should only invite our suffering up when we’re ready. Then, when it comes we can handle it. To transform our suffering, we don’t struggle with it or try to get rid of it. We simply bathe it in the light of our mindfulness.” — Thich Nhat Hanh, Reconciliation.


To heal the inner child we first have to develop and nurture our mindfulness so we can wake up to the reality of our suffering, which we would rather avoid. There are clear warning signals of deeper suffering if we choose to pay attention: We get caught up in our dramas and find ourselves telling and retelling our stories to whomever will listen. We engage in competition—my suffering is bigger than yours. And we court our suffering, keeping it alive.



The courtship of suffering is an ugly romance, for we enter into a co-dependent relationship, which has to be called by its true name: addiction.


Physiologically and emotionally we become so tightly tied into our suffering that we cannot be without it even though it’s destroying our well-being. We grasp at brief insights—yes, this is suffering—but only when they appear on the surface of our awareness. Yet the hidden suffering has a way of gathering momentum and energy until it finally surfaces in its entirety: the small snake has become a monster. The addiction to suffering is now embedded in our mental state. We respond to any glimpse of suffering with such destructive emotion that we reinforce the causes and conditions that created the suffering in the first place. And so we continue shooting ourselves in the foot—over and over again.


Our suffering, caused by emotional, physical and sexual abuse, becomes an organizing template in our mind. We then create an abusive relationship with that template’s qualities:

addiction, fear and codependency. To stop the cycle of harm we first need an OMG moment: Oh my god, this is what I have been doing all my life. How do I stop it? It is awesome to penetrate the darkness and realize that the abuse we suffered as a child has created an abusive relationship with our adult self.


Mindfulness practice can bring the abusive relationship to a halt. This OMG moment propels us to get to work, to go below the surface and investigate the causes of our suffering. And so we learn the practices, tools and concentrations that support us on our journey toward understanding our suffering and resolving it. We break the cycle through retraining and mindfulness practice. Our journey to wellness requires us to practice mindfulness daily and take refuge in wise support.


The wounded inner child

Abuse during childhood creates within us a lost, frightened and frozen child. If we are unable to reach this wounded child then we may never heal ourselves. We prefer not to remember the sufferings of childhood, so we bury our memories and hide from them. We run away from seeing deeply into the causes of our suffering. Whenever the memories arise, however fleetingly, we think we cannot handle them and we deflect them into the deepest realms of our unconscious mind. We are terrified of further suffering. As a result, the wounded child may not be seen for a long time. Yet we have to find a way to reach her and make her safe. We have to get past the fear and address the suffering, because that is the way to awakening.


No matter what kind of happy pretend face we present as an adult, there is also a frightened little boy or girl inside us. This suffering child colours everything we do, generating our fears, insecurities and self-loathing, damaging our relationships and our life. That wounded child is you, is me, and we must extend a hand to him so we can understand, defuse and transform the energy of his suffering.


Mindfulness is the way through to the inner child. We have to embrace him exactly where he is—caught by the past, fearful, and angry at being neglected for so long. Moreover, we have to be very skilful.


We must touch the seeds of childhood suffering from an adult state of mindfulness and awareness, making it safe for that child to come out from behind closed doors. As adults, we can no longer run away. We must have the courage to bring healing to our hurt inner child and thereby transform ourselves. And the steps we take are not only to heal ourselves—we somehow connect to all wounded children, those of our ancestors and descendants and everyone else in the world. Because once we cultivate the seeds of mindful healing in ourselves, the energy of these seeds extends into all that we connect with, in a quantum leap through time and space from our cellular memories to everyone else’s. With awareness, we take our inner child into our daily life: we go on picnics, take walks, sit at the dining-room table, do the dishes together. We’re patient, realizing that we’re on a splendid adventure to end a cycle of suffering that may have persisted over generations. Thus we are healing and transforming ingrained patterns transmitted to us from our ancestors and through us to our descendants, patterns that built up over time like corrosive rust and amplified the fears and suffering of the wounded inner child.


Thich Nhat Hanh addressed the issue of child abuse in a question and answer session held in the Lower Hamlet of Plum Village in France on Oct. 17, 1998. Very gently, he spoke about the ignorance and pain of the abuser as well as the pain of the abused, explaining that the basis of recovery is understanding, not blame, guilt or shame. First, he said, we need to understand that the abuser must have lived in ignorance and deprivation, without support, guidance or a wise teacher; the overwhelming power of ignorance drove him or her to do wrong. If the abused person can begin to understand just a little bit, then anger, shame and outrage can transform into droplets of compassion, and through mindfulness practice, suffering can diminish. When forgiveness and understanding are present, suffering decreases.


Thich Nhat Hanh then recommended that the abused person practice mindfulness, to transform himself or herself into a Bodhisattva and engender the compassion to help all children who need protection. Those who have experienced abuse and recovered from it can use their understanding to promote measures that protect children and help eradicate the ignorance that generates abuse.


Write to your inner child

There are many techniques and methodologies of therapy that address issues of the wounded inner child. The first one I am going to describe is simple, and anyone can do it. It’s a first step, and I recommend practicing it under the guidance of a therapist, shaman or spiritual teacher. You’re going to start a diary or logbook for you and the inner child to write to each other. The “adult you” will write using the hand that you normally write with. Begin by saying “hello” to Little John, to Little Allison. Then say how sorry you are for having been away and neglectful, that you are grown-up, now, and strong, and that you are going to make it safe for Little John, for Little Allison, who will now be safe, loved and cherished. Write in your own words in this way.


Then, with your other hand, the one you do not usually write with, allow the inner child to express himself. Do not edit. Just write down whatever comes out. Angry, blaming and abusive words may come out, and it’s your job as the “adult you” not to be shocked or defensive but to provide constant reassurance, love and guidance. Bring to this communication all the love, compassion and wisdom you can muster. These are the seeds of mindfulness that you consciously bring to support the wounded child inside you. The energy of these seeds works on the energy of the traumatized inner child to reduce his pain and suffering. Talk to him through this writing, with total love and acute mindfulness. Then read your diary entries out loud, placing yourself first in your adult shoes and then in your inner child’s shoes; this is a way for both of you to be heard. On a daily basis, register how deeply your understanding and love is getting through to the child, for he is listening carefully to every word and knows that you are now listening to him. As the adult brings awareness, love and healing to the child, the adult and the child will draw closer to each other.


Details of trauma may be revealed that you had forgotten about, which is why you need the help and guidance of a trusted therapist, shaman or spiritual teacher who will support you in being a wise and loving parent to your wounded child. In time, you will notice changes in the way your child expresses herself, as she becomes trusting and starts to grow, eventually merging fully with you as an adult (You will also learn to write very well with your other hand!).


In your letters, tell your inner child about yourself and your life, take her on outings, give her treats and lavish on that child all the care, attention and love you feel you did not receive when you were a child. The suffering will diminish and you will experience a transformation; your relationships with co-workers, friends and family will start to change, and your fears of the past and anxieties about the future will not have the same force. When you notice improvements tell your inner child, “Thank you for being with me. It makes me so happy,” as being with her on the healing journey brings happiness.


At times you may cry, you may feel joy and also despair—which is why you need guidance and support as you begin the journey of reclaiming yourself. You need that wise, spiritual friend and teacher to keep you steady and mindful. I know, because I went through it. I am happy to say the process worked for me; I experienced the painfully slow establishment of trust, then the exhilarating joy of safety and integration, until finally my inner child and the adult me were the same person, and I felt a freshness and vitality that I treasure. Ultimately there is only one pair of shoes!


Our journey is a deep and beautiful process because we are no longer running away from afflictions that have rendered us dysfunctional. We bring mindfulness, concentration and insight to our inner child and envelop him in the refreshing energy of transformation. We work diligently to nurture seeds of happiness, joy and safety in the consciousness of the inner child—the same seeds that are in us, our ancestors and our descendants. When despair and fear arise from the child we have the presence of mind to listen deeply and surround the fear with the stronger energy field of mindfulness. Thich Nhat Hanh, in his book Reconciliation, tells us: “The capacity to be aware—that is, to be a human being who is mindful—is what will save us.


Meditation gives us a way to stop the fears of the past and anxieties about the future from crowding and overwhelming the mind. At his practice centre in Plum Village, Thich Nhat Hanh has provided a much loved practice gatha for the meditation community that begins “I have arrived, I am home.” The gatha is used with walking meditation, connected to in-breath and out-breath, and provides an essential tool to deal with the many mental formations that flood our waking consciousness with fear, pain and suffering. With daily, diligent practice we can examine these same mental formations, but from a place centred in mindfulness. This simple gatha has become the dharma seal of Plum Village.


I. Inner child has arrived meditation


The original Vietnamese gatha translates not as “I have arrived, I am home” but “Your child has arrived, your child is home.” This is so beautiful to say to yourself as you breathe in and out whenever you do walking meditation, for each step encourages your wounded child to be well and to come home to you. When you walk to your car or to your office, by a river or in a park, you can recite to yourself:


In-breath: “My inner child has arrived.”

Out-breath: “My inner child is home.”


Through the practice of being present, you will use your conscious breath and concentration to heal, simply by welcoming your wounded inner child home. You are capable of arriving in every moment, whether it’s in sitting meditation, walking meditation, mindful eating, taking a shower or doing laundry. It’s necessary to cultivate the internal energy of mindfulness before stopping and looking deeply into what caused the trauma. The practice of being in the moment nurtures that strength, and it provides the clarity and lucidity needed to put to rest the ghosts of the past and the ghosts of future anxiety.


In-breath: “My inner child has arrived.”

Out-breath: “My inner child is home.”


II Love meditation for the inner child


Another tool adapts the Four Brahmaviharas meditation to focus on the injured inner child and is based on the Buddha’s teachings on love. This meditation nurtures the inner child wonderfully and at the same time nurtures the adult you. Prepare for meditation by sitting comfortably with the spine erect. Bring your concentration to the in-breath and the out-breath. After ten or twenty breaths, whenever you feel calm and stable, bring each of the components—love, compassion, joy, equanimity—into yourself, the adult you. The next sequence provides a concentration to water the seeds of Love, Compassion, Joy and Equanimity within your inner child.


In-breath: “I bring Love”

Out-breath: “to my inner child.”


You can say a loving name for your inner child if you wish. Say silently, “Dear Mary” or “Darling Joseph.” Feel the energy of love fill you from top to toe and register with the energy for several breaths. Then continue in the same way with:

In-breath: “I bring compassion”

Out-breath: “to my inner child.”

In-breath: “I bring joy”

Out-breath: “to my inner child.”

In-breath: “I bring equanimity”

Out-breath: “to my inner child”


Conclude the meditation by once more bringing love, compassion, joy and equanimity to the adult you. The concentration on these four qualities is an incredibly powerful instrument for healing.

I am trying very hard not to let my anger of realising that my childhood was not a happy one at all, to destroy myself. I trying very hard not to vent this anger on my surviving parent. I know that it is my inner child trying to take control of the driver's seat to hit back on the past abuses. So thank you for posting about the innerchild meditation, I am going to do that to comfort and soothe my inner child. There is just so much anger at my mother and while I know that she is a loving person, I just feel confused as to why I am angry whenever she wants to do things for me or when she "jokes" that I am a child and that I am not capable of looking after myself. I just do not like her waiting on me and now I am sensitive to these things I just get really angry. I can only pray and for now distance myself from the source of agitation so that I can soothe my inner child.

Healing my innerchild is a vital part of my recovery. If a person wants a long lasting result, it is advisable to find its rootcause and not just its by-product.

Thanks Havefaith, for communicating it better.


I believe in treating its source or root cause and not only its symptoms. Otherwise, it will continue to resurrect and resurface in just a matter of time.


I discovered that my addiction could and should be traced back from my childhood. I would not have known what have caused me to have attachment hunger, abandonment issue, poor self-image, distorted identity, and other reasons behind my love addiction. Why I have been avoiding what I have been avoiding? I found the answer in my childhood and only then my healing begun.

What a timing and revelation:


Last mother's day, one of my inner children (a teen) had a close encounter with her sexual imago/mom. She is Madonna. (Yes, the Queen of Pop). It was a very insightful deep dream. She asked me intimate questions and was able to answer her spontaneously and intelligently. I thought with such a hot conversation I would be triggered, but thank God, I did not. In fact, I woke up feeling so liberated, refreshed, and thankful that my teen inner child had a pleasant closure with her sexual imago and has come a long way.


I remember she used to date anyone who resembled Madonna's date during those times. When she was dating Sean Penn, she was also dating someone like him. Madonna was the one who indirectly encouraged her to "self-pleasuring", dating, be sexual and all. Thankfully, she has already moved on to a different direction. (In all fairness to Madonna, she is such a very gifted, original, and hardworking person. It just happened that she was my inner teen child's sexual imago.)


Now, I am able to understand my daughter better. Teens are facing one of the most challenging stages in their life so they need more loving parental guidance and encouragement from us.

When I used to ride the bus everywhere I saw abuse that horrified me. I used to let Gretchen out (my outer child/protector of Susie my inner child), and try to intervene. Naturally they attacked me. Once they called the police on me. But I think this is why I finally got a car. I could not stand it anymore.

Sometimes the Bible says it all . . .

Matthew 18 "But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea."


Matthew 19 "Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'"

Confession: When I condemn these people I also condemn myself. As an alcoholic I used to slap my son when he had a tantrum. Even then I knew what I was doing was abuse. Apologies and amends do not erase the wounds my son carries to this day.

I was searching for something when I witnessed that abusive mother. While the latter, I saw in the news briefly.


Thanks Susan, for quoting timeless Biblical passages and for sharing your experiences. For me, you are a good mother to many. And as long as you have admitted your shortcoming and has corrected it, it is what matters.


Havefaith, I am sorry that you went through a lot and have had to suffer from your mom's wrong/bad parenting. However, I am thankful that our HP (Holy Trinity) became the Perfect Parent(s) you never had and is always there for you in the truest sense.