Post by caringcara on Feb 19, 2014 6:02:58 GMT -8
I can only remember one time that I was lovingly touched by my mother. I was sick with a fever, and I woke up to her stroking my forehead. I was about six years old and I remember thinking it was very strange because I had never been touched like that before. There were no hugs or I love yous. My parents took care of me physically. I was clothed and fed, but I am now in my 40s realizing how emotionally neglected I really was.
They had a nickname for me. It was "big moose". They were always going on about how huge I was. Looking back at pictures, I was an average sized child- maybe on the tall side. If I was heavier than the other kids, it was not by a lot. They were constantly going on about how huge I was, how clumsy, and how awkward. There were never any loving words. No one ever told me it was going to be ok. I never heard that I was pretty, in fact my looks were constantly criticized and often times my mother had a look of disgust on her face when talking about my looks, or the fact that my thick wavy hair made me look like a "witch".. this is something I heard throughout my entire life.. even still today in my 40s she tells me that. I desperately wanted to be called pretty or to hear anything good about myself at all. I never did. (my LA trigger with men is to be told I'm pretty or beautiful. If I hear that I am usually willing to take crumbs, or accept substandard treatment from him)
I had a lot of anxiety as a child and was never once comforted by anyone. I was laughed at, and everything my parents said to me was filled with sarcasm. I was a very sensitive child and I had a fear of death in general. They used to try to scare me and jolt me by telling me shocking things about death and dying. Their reasoning for this was to try to "toughen" me up.
As a teenager I became addicted to my friends and to imaginary relationships with boys. If a boy gave me a small amount of attention, I quickly became obsessed, he would back off and I would keep going with it and it would consume me. My teen years were full of rejection and pain and were the most traumatic time in my history. I thought about suicide a lot but was too afraid to go through with it. I felt unprotected by my parents, especially my father who took no interest in me.
In my early 20s, I married an alcoholic who treated me similarly to the way my parents did- I was the codependent. I worked hard on controlling my codependency and got out of that relationship 10 years later but today I still struggle with extreme anxiety, and love addiction.
They had a nickname for me. It was "big moose". They were always going on about how huge I was. Looking back at pictures, I was an average sized child- maybe on the tall side. If I was heavier than the other kids, it was not by a lot. They were constantly going on about how huge I was, how clumsy, and how awkward. There were never any loving words. No one ever told me it was going to be ok. I never heard that I was pretty, in fact my looks were constantly criticized and often times my mother had a look of disgust on her face when talking about my looks, or the fact that my thick wavy hair made me look like a "witch".. this is something I heard throughout my entire life.. even still today in my 40s she tells me that. I desperately wanted to be called pretty or to hear anything good about myself at all. I never did. (my LA trigger with men is to be told I'm pretty or beautiful. If I hear that I am usually willing to take crumbs, or accept substandard treatment from him)
I had a lot of anxiety as a child and was never once comforted by anyone. I was laughed at, and everything my parents said to me was filled with sarcasm. I was a very sensitive child and I had a fear of death in general. They used to try to scare me and jolt me by telling me shocking things about death and dying. Their reasoning for this was to try to "toughen" me up.
As a teenager I became addicted to my friends and to imaginary relationships with boys. If a boy gave me a small amount of attention, I quickly became obsessed, he would back off and I would keep going with it and it would consume me. My teen years were full of rejection and pain and were the most traumatic time in my history. I thought about suicide a lot but was too afraid to go through with it. I felt unprotected by my parents, especially my father who took no interest in me.
In my early 20s, I married an alcoholic who treated me similarly to the way my parents did- I was the codependent. I worked hard on controlling my codependency and got out of that relationship 10 years later but today I still struggle with extreme anxiety, and love addiction.
