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Post by Sexlessw on Mar 7, 2014 18:28:33 GMT -8
Today was a quasi day for me. I am fortunate that I did not see my PoA for he'd taken the day off. But on my down time, as I reflected on our "relationship" I got angry. It felt like rage. I haven't felt like that in years.
I had ALLOWED myself to re-engage with him. I had ALLOWED myself to feel "at ease" with the "relationship" as it played out. I ALLOWED myself to keep contacting him for sex once a month. I ALLOWED myself to be traated as an option. I ALLOWED myself to make him a larger part of my life than I was for his life.
It enraged me to think it was me who put myself here again. Thoughts of doing bad things to him flashed thru my mind, but I know that is not the way to handle this.
So here I am again, but the difference THIS TIME is that he is the one who has chosen to do NC. It hurts, but as we all know, when somebody wants to leave, let them go. I am letting go - and letting God.
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Post by requin on Mar 9, 2014 17:09:45 GMT -8
The way I finally let go of my POA of 15 years was when he initiated no contact and stuck to it. yes it hurts, and it's embarassing to admit that I tried to re-initiate contact, even though I knew better. I tried because I'm an addict, even though my brain was screaming to let it go, let him go. I finally gave up when he refused to return my emails (and since he's long distance, I couldn't do anything more than that). Finally, after so many years, I got my life back.
I know it's hard for you now, but yea, try to see it as a blessing. If you could be done w/ him, on your own, you might already have been by now. This way, it may finally be the end you truly want.
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Post by Sexlessw on Mar 10, 2014 15:46:37 GMT -8
Requin: Hey sister, long time no hear. Thank you for responding to my post. Most definately a blessing - I've been down this road with him before. Not that I *want* the end - I NEED THE END. For good. FINIS.
I was so happy to read that you are now free from your xPoA. I remember the messages we exchanged a long time ago. No more living waiting for crumbs. Fight the power!
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Post by requin on Mar 11, 2014 7:02:00 GMT -8
Hey sw, I wondered if you remembered our messages. I was a bit surprised and sorry to see you back here going through withdrawal. Indeed, it's the best place to be for that. ....
I got lucky about 9 months ago and met the most amazing guy I've ever met in my life. Previous to that, I was in an affair w/ another married man. I knew that was a fling and a dead end situation and finally decided to either find someone available or become a nun or something, ha ha. And amazingly, that very night I met the guy I'm w/ now, who is available in every way (he's single, and emotionally available), handsome, kind, sensitive, tough, strong, blah blah blah lol. He has changed everything.
In the meantime the addict in me still reaches out and pings my xPOA via email and he was replying but we have since ceased contact. I do not want to risk losing the gem I have now, for a dogpile. ha ha I no longer want POA at all, yet the addict still craves the attention. It's insidious.
Hang in there my friend, there truly is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Post by Sexlessw on Mar 11, 2014 16:12:51 GMT -8
Requin: Wow - that is FANTASTIC for you! See! As soon as you went through what you did with the addiction, good things happened. Do you think if you hadn't have done the recovery work that you would be healthy enough to be in a relationship? With an EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE and SINGE man? It's all about letting go and see the good things that are bestowed upon us. I truly believe that.
I am trying like heck to hang in. Today was not as bad as before. I was actually fantasizing about what happens AFTER I have set myself free. It helped that I received overtime today - nothing like a little financial incentive to stop feeling sad.
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Post by requin on Mar 12, 2014 6:53:48 GMT -8
I didn't really do any recovery work. The affair I had w/ the other MM acted as a sort of rejuvenation to my "mojo", got me out of my depression and self pity, but as I said I knew it was a fling and a dead end. It gave me the self confidence to get out and when Spring came I met my current beau at an outdoor venue. There really was no period of being alone and "working on myself" so to speak.
This makes me wonder how much of what I thought was my own messed-up-ness, was really due to being in that disastrous and way-too-long situation w/ the narcissist who played mind games constantly, verbally abused, played push-pull, etc etc. He had me not knowing whether I was coming or going.
Now that I'm w/ someone stable, I'm so much more stable myself. I don't know, but things are wonderful now.
What will you do when you are 'free'? What about your marriage? What's the status there?
ETA--I don't condone having affairs with married men, of course. But I don't regret that it brought me back to the world of the living. I also don't condone trying to start a new r'ship w/out doing some recovery work. I'm only relating how it all happened this time for me.
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Post by Sexlessw on Mar 12, 2014 8:20:05 GMT -8
R:
You'll get no judgement from me on EMAs. None whatsoever. Another Proust quote: "These painful dilemmas which love is constantly putting in our way, teach us and reveal to us, layer upon layer, the material of which we are made."
Basically you're saying your fling with the MM kicked you out of your funk. Then, when you were de-funked from xPoA NarcissoBoi, you found some aspect of yourself which had been temporarily stolen by him. Isn't that great you've been returned? Life is looking better.
My marriage - if you recall I was and still am in a sexless marriage. The status quo remains. We will be married 20 years in June. I used to moan that I was going to get out, blah blah. We don't argue, we don't hate one another, we don't play games. Life on the marriage front isn't as horrible as I used to make it sound.
What will I do when I am "free". Not look back on my addictions to PoAs. Plan my retirement or a job after my retirement. Take another trip to Russia - and study Russian again. I know I will go back to school for some sort of education. Freedom is continuing the ME work. That's the plan!
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Post by requin on Mar 12, 2014 9:00:20 GMT -8
That's right sw, that's just what happened. Got out of my funk, felt alive again, and met someone awesome. Life is looking better indeed, yet it still sort of feels like a dream. (Unfortunately I was hit w/ a nasty health issue 2 months after meeting my guy, which I've had ever since, a vestibular disorder so that I feel lousy every day, almost all the time. But I endure.)
Yes I remember your marriage situation, vaguely. I'm sorry it's still the status quo but as you say I guess it could be worse. Not having any sex though....that's tough. My marriage was like that...9 years..I got out. Grass seemed greener...got entangled w/ Narcissist Boy...ugh. But finally, things seem to be going better. Has taken a lifetime.
It's great to see you looking ahead at life w/out your addiction. Giving up sex is a big deal though, no matter how you face it...I do hope you can find some resolution there.
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Post by Sexlessw on Mar 13, 2014 15:07:46 GMT -8
R: I am sorry to hear about your health issue. Is your current man helpful with that? I won't query too much about that, for I know that is a private matter.
Better to find yourself now than having to go through life with xMMs and xPoA NarcissoBoiz. I only wish I'd figured some stuff out 15 years ago.
Well, let's see how the giving up sex thing goes. I should clarify "sex with xOM" which is NOT going to happen again. Right now, I am focusing on celibacy for the moment - I was celibate for nearly 6 years inbetween EMAs. There is another situation in my life going on, but I need to focus on my issues right now.
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Post by Loving My Life on Mar 15, 2014 7:00:26 GMT -8
sw, I hope you are feeling better today. Healthy anger is a good thing, and you are processing this in a healthy way. Yes you have every right to be angry and this will only cause you to grow in a positive way in your recovery.
I know we are put through test on a daily basis, and we are shown these test, to prove where there is still work to be done. I look at these things today as challenges, and to allow me to continue to make positive changes in my life.
So this is not a bad things, you are still on your recovery journey.
Good job!!!!!
Don't forget to forgive yourself also, and hug yourself and tell yourself how much you love you.
You are awesome!!
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Post by Sexlessw on Mar 16, 2014 5:10:56 GMT -8
LML:
Thank you for the power vibe response. Oh yes I still have work to be done. And yes, I'm still walking along on the recovery journey.
Today the anger is not as bad towards him, towards myself. The sun is up and life is going on outside of my window. I chose to participate in life today and not sit in anger.
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Post by Sexlessw on Jul 26, 2014 1:25:17 GMT -8
It's closing in on 5:30AM EST where I am. This is what happens when you re-engage with those who are toxic. You get the same illness - or should I say re-alight the same toxic illness. Otherwise known as something chronic.
I have never, EVER in my life felt this anger. It's crossed the path into enraged. I have sat, felt, did nothing, meditated and literally feel my physical heart hurting. Although I am not overly religous, the passage from the Acts of the Apostles comes to mind, re: Paul where the scales fall from his eyes. My eyes are WIDE OPEN and I am angry.
I'd like to physically hurt him. I mean beat him to a pulp. I don't feel badly for feeling like beating him. And NO I will NOT beat him for the following reasons: 1. I would lose my job. 2. I am not as strong as he is. 3. I don't have the know-how.
There are no more excuses for xOM's behavior. There is no more contact. There is FULLY accepting I CANNOT put up with how he treats me. I AM NOT AN OPTION. I AM NOT HIS WORK HEN. I AM NOT HIS NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY. I AM FAR BETTER THAN HE DESERVED.
Unfortuntely, this time I can't transfer locations like I did in 2006. HOWEVER I can avoid the place where he picks the clients up during the week. I need help people.
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Post by Sexlessw on Jul 28, 2014 13:17:46 GMT -8
Today, I am still angry. I saw, from a window which I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN LOOKING OUT OF, xOM up to his antics with another woman at my job. He drove up and was all flirty with her. A huge smile on his face - getting his fix off of her. She and he do this ALL OF THE TIME. It's been done in front of me for the past several years. I AM FINALLY SEEING IT and God does it hurt me.
I had to go up to my supervisor and beg him to place me in positions at work where I am not able to be mobile. I was sobbing so hard when I told him. He asked if it was an employee of our location; I said no, another location. He said that is okay that he would do that. I said if I am in a position of mobility, I am very liable to commit an act of violence against this person (xOM). I said that I would not jeopardize my job with acts of violence.
What else is there left for me to do? I can't transfer - I've done that already because of him. I will not transfer again. NO WAY. He can continue on his merry, avoidant, Narcissistic path - I am going down the way of NC and dignity. This is more difficult than the last times.
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Post by Sexlessw on Jul 29, 2014 3:24:37 GMT -8
From the Amplified Bible: And instantly something like scales fell from Saul's eyes, and he recovered his sight. Then he arose and was baptized. Acts 9:18
Still angry - heck, let's monopolize this thread! Is that Narcissistic of me?
Why I am angry - 1. Aceepting LESS from him than I deserved. For FIVE YEARS we have been "involved".
2. Him NEVER calling me - "your husband may have the cell phone" - he had a cell and at NO TIME did he give its number.
3. Him "contacting" me ONLY if he happened to see me at work or at the gym. He would come up and start talking. THAT'S how I would break NC - HIM talking to me. IF there is a next time, he gets to FOAD.
4. Continual flirting with a single woman at work. FOR YEARS.
5. NEVER EVER EVER giving me a Christmas gift, a birthday gift or anything else - oh, except two vibrators and a bottle of lube (which I dumped the last time - FREEDOM). I gave him Christmas gifts (mostly bottles of booze), gifts when I went to China, DVDs, books, storage baskets, beer - every time I walked into his house I gave him things. I once told them that those were his "fee". I mean that.
6. Disrespecting his mother and father. He took me over to their home a few times (at the beginning) and had sex with me. They live P/T in another state. I gave him oral sex while he was ON THE PHONE with the both of them! (WTF was I thinking) There are some serious mommy/daddy issues going on
7. He never wanted to be a part of my life. NEVER.
8. I was never part of his life. And that's the way he liked it. His option - his work hen - his hidden sleeper.
9. Riding me FOR YEARS to "help" my husband because of our sexless marriage. This wrankled me because he had no business trying to "fix" it in his AVOIDANT mode. I told him to FOAD the last time we were together.
10. Provoking tears from me before sex. On several occasions he would have me crying about several things (see #9). He speak, I'd cry, he would then back off, ask me something sexual - and then we would have sex. I finally made that connection - AVOIDANT MODE. Something he could "fix".
One bit of levity: He took Viagra and/or Cialis before our sexual encounters. He thinks I didn't know? HA!
In the end, it's about me, not him. I'm still feeling somewhat homicidial, but that will pass IN TIME. Before I didn't have the tools to get through. Now I do. Picking up the tools to build myself a better shelter.
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Post by Sexlessw on Mar 23, 2020 8:49:54 GMT -8
Hey thanks SexlessW for writing this! Gee, how much changed for YOU in the past 5.5 years with respect to this person you are referring to? I won't write his name because it will not add to the conversation.
SexlessW, the 10 things you listed are still the things that you were angry about. The things that you have NOT forgotten. Does re-reading the post make it clearer for you?
Indeed, re-reading what I wrote above about anger has helped me. Since he called me out of the blue three weeks ago, some of that anger (not the nuclear anger and pain I was feeling when I wrote the initial post) has returned. 5.5 years ago, I did get back together with him. Our same [insane] pattern of interaction remained until April 1, 2019.
Then, the last time I left something in his mailbox that I'd purchased for him, I left my usual note "I'll contact you after..." and I KNEW that I WOULD NEVER contact him again. The logical end to the relationship was at hand, something I'd been planning for a long time. I knew it couldn't last (read above post for many of the reasons) and I was getting bored with it. The relationship couldn't grow, like so many EMAs can't. Why keep tilling fallow ground?
Last night I made a decision. I am NOT going to contact him again. Never. I don't feel the need to, nor do I WANT to. There are a few loose ends - namely me gaining employment, getting back on my workout regime, doing some much needed work on our house - I need to do FOR MYSELF. He made his choices during our "relationship" to treat me as he did. I can't change it, I can't change him. Therefore, I am moving forward WITHOUT him and I am 100% fine with that.
He's going to hear the sound of my silence for silence is three things: eloquent, loud and always heard. What he choses to do when he hears that silence isn't my problem. Does that feel good to write.
I'm not so angry now. Thanks again SexlessW for posting this when you did. You REALLY needed to re-read it.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Mar 24, 2020 8:01:22 GMT -8
Good for you! Stay strong!
And if you need to talk to someone, reach out to me. I visit this site every day. You have helped me immeasurably. I will help you. That’s what support groups are for.
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Post by Sexlessw on Mar 27, 2020 3:12:15 GMT -8
Rose Nadler & other Posters in the Struggle: Thank you for your support - it means a lot to me right now. I have a confession. Last night, feeling BORED and not too strong, I googled Aspen's SIL. I do it from time to time - remember how I am always advising "it's bad to google and search for information because you might find something that hurts"? Well, this is the time I found information that allows me to GET ME FULLY on the path to Indifference. Information I NEEDED to see. In October, the SIL did a fundraiser for Aspen's brother who was suffering from liver disease. In mid-December, the liver disease foundation posted that a "miracle" had occurred - Aspen's brother received a liver transplant. Why would this information lead me towards Indifference AND placing Aspen FULLY in my PAST? The anger reared up BIG TIME. Whenever I would speak to Aspen, I would always ask how his brother and his family was doing. ALWAYS. When he called on March 1, I asked him. "Oh, he's fine" was the response. FINE??? "FINE"  The man had a LIVER TRANSPLANT. This is the man Aspen and his family would spend HOLIDAYS with, go on an annual summer trek to a lake EVERY SUMMER, talk on the phone to, spend time with the brother's children...care about the children...even now that the children are in college... IDK about anybody else, but if my brother (that I don't have) was ill and received a liver transplant, I'd be telling everybody. "Thank god my brother is on the road to recovery. It was hard on us, knowing he was so ill..." This LACK of information on Aspen's part has shown me - FINALLY - the last nail in the coffin. I am NOT, nor have I ever been, a participant in his life. He could not even SHARE this information with me in a phone call (we don't text - he doesn't have my new cell phone number) when he called me. I can't tell you the anger I felt last night about this. This morning, I'm okay and now fully, 100% on the road to indifference. This is beyond NC. Indifference is, "If the xPoA is alive or dead, it does not impact my life." Indifference is, "I lived without him for this long, I'll live the rest of my life without him." Indifference is not wishing ill upon the xPoA, but wishing the xPoA the best. Indifference is being FREE of the addiction. I'm on my way to indifference today, tomorrow and the rest of my life with regards to Aspen. |
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Mar 27, 2020 7:19:01 GMT -8
I’m glad you got angry.
I know that sounds strange, but some things need to have people’s anger directed at them. And as many of us have experienced - like you just experienced - anger can serve as a bullsh!t cleaner. Some of the bullsh!t that was still in your mind concerning Aspen just got cleaned out!
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Post by Sexlessw on Mar 30, 2020 4:59:40 GMT -8
Rose Nadler:
And after that CLEANSE my mind was feeling quite - calm. You don't know HOW angry I would be at Aspen in the past. Fury is the correct word.
But now that my MIND is CLEANED - there is no more fury, anger, resentment, anxiety, and best of all NO MORE HOPE that things will change.
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