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Sadness
Mar 12, 2014 4:58:44 GMT -8
Post by Sexlessw on Mar 12, 2014 4:58:44 GMT -8
It's hard for me to categorize emotions. Is it an adjective or is it an emotion? I'm wagering the feeling I carry about with me at this moment is sadness. I want to call it grief, but it's more like sadness.
I am sad that xOM has chosen to do this to me. But I've been here before. I know what I need to do. I am sad that I wlll never have secks like that again. With him. But the world won't end if I am celibate. I am sad because I will miss him. I am sad because no matter how much I loved him - and I did - no amount of my love, no amount of my treating him as he showed me he wanted to be treated - will EVER change him. That's his journey. I am sad that I have to avoid him. But that is part of my healing journey.
A quote from Proust (who else) comes to mind, for it fits my situation, albeit only for the time being: "How have we the heart to go on living, how can we move a finger to preserve ourselves from death in a world in which love is provoked only by lies and seeks soley to have our suffering appeased by the person who has made us suffer."
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Sadness
Mar 13, 2014 15:10:48 GMT -8
Post by Sexlessw on Mar 13, 2014 15:10:48 GMT -8
I'm still dealing with this deep sadness today. Scenarios of confronting him are going through my mind. I accept my sadness and I am sitting with it. There will be happier days ahead. I lived without him once. I can and will live without him in my life again.
Come to think of it, you can't miss somebody who was not a full participant in your life to begin with. You just have to cast out the fantasy you've been carrying around in your head.
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Sadness
Mar 13, 2014 15:51:43 GMT -8
Post by dhafirah on Mar 13, 2014 15:51:43 GMT -8
That's the best way to deal with it: "cast out the fantasy". When you realize it's a fantasy or that the situation is no longer as it were, the present becomes easier to accept and embrace. Actually the realization that it was a fantasy may help you to be more eager to embrace reality. Who wants to live in a make-believe world that will never come true:)? Reality is more exciting because we can trust it. When I feel sad from thinking about the past I keep reminding myself to stay in the present...stay in the present. I had to do that this morning. We may never have all the answers and that's okay. I think the questions can keep us trapped if we allow it. Look at your life and realize that not much has changed and you are okay. I am saying this to you as well as myself.
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Post by Sexlessw on Mar 14, 2014 8:49:09 GMT -8
Dhafirah:
"Life is just a fantasy can't we let this fantasy ride?" {Remember that one by Aldo Nova?}
Yes, I live my life in the present. I truly do. The fantasy I had (PAST TENSE)was nothing more than him changing to be more present in my life. That is never going to happen. Therefore I sit and watch the fantasy disapate.
One part of my sadness comes from hanging on to the Hopes. The Hope that he still wants me. The Hope that he is hurting as badly as me. The Hope one day he'll come back to me and say "Sexlessw, I've missed you! I was so wrong dump you like I did! Come back to me and we'll continue as we were!"
Killing off the Hopes makes me the saddest of all. The above won't happen this time. Because I will not allow it.
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Post by Looking4peace on Mar 15, 2014 2:28:08 GMT -8
Sexlessw- My heart goes out to you. It makes me so sad to read about your pain. It makes me ashamed of my own behavior and betrayal of my husband by repeated emotional and sexual affairs. I violated the sanctity of our marriage and our vows. I will never be able to have the purity of that restored. I have to live with the pain I caused and am still causing as we try to live through all this.
I hope that your POA one day has the insight to understand how he wounded you.
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Post by Sexlessw on Mar 15, 2014 3:51:07 GMT -8
looking4peace: Don't feel sad for me, please! I want to feel empowered to kick this sadness away from myself. I want to get up, pick myself up and keep moving forward in my life. Sure I feel badly about my xOM. The other side of the coin is, I have hurt him too. He's got his issues to get through ON HIS OWN. I wish him no ill will (at this moment in time - ha ha ha).
EMAs are devistating. I am a MW and I have acted selfishly. I have hurt my DH (who has knowledge of my EMAs - emotional and physical).
Truly, you and your DH will work towards forgiveness and a better relationship. Both of you. There ARE better days ahead. You get THROUGH the pain by doing the work to get OVER the pain. I promise you YOU will not feel this way for the rest of your life. Can we make a deal on that?
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Sadness
Mar 16, 2014 5:04:13 GMT -8
Post by Sexlessw on Mar 16, 2014 5:04:13 GMT -8
Yesterday was difficult. I posted a bit about it on Recovery. I got called into work for overtime. Before my job began, I went to a room and broke down and sobbed and sobbed. I hadn't cried that hard since...the last time I went NC.
What's different about this time? It feels more final. He's not called me back and it's getting on a month. He's not seen me at work for nearly 3 weeks. I have not seen him at the gym. I have taken steps to NOT be seen by him and to avoid him at all costs.
I am sad it has to end this dysfunctional way. I don't have the courage to confront him at the gym or at work. I'd say to him if I could, "Why didn't you call me back? If the reason is something I have done to you, tell me about it and we'll take it from there." I'm a big girl and after all this, I can take it. He has his reasons. If I have hurt him, if he's just done with me, that is for him to know. And me to deal with.
I just know I loved him. I am finding the strength to stop loving him.
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