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Post by Loving My Life on Mar 15, 2014 6:30:11 GMT -8
I was just sitting here this morning thinking about the last 24 hours, and I just wanted to throw this out here, Do we get addicted to the drama of the unhealthy relationship and poa, because of boredom? Do we not know how to just enjoy ourselves in the moment? I am learning to go out and enjoy myself and doing things by myself and it really is not so bad, and in the process I am helping some charities in my community now. I don't have the drama of a poa any longer, and I am not looking for another poa right now. And with going to these different functions in my community, you can also meet new people, and healthier people as well. You have to step outside your comfort zone, and try new things. There is a big world outside, and there is a lot of things to do, instead of pining away for a unhealthy poa. We can get addicted to the drama also, and if there is not drama as addicts and addictive thinking this is what seems normal to us, this does not go away just because you are in recovery, but you become aware of what is going on in your thoughts and you can reel these things in now, and you have a filter, where when you are in your addiction there is no filter, you act and then worry about the consequences later. But you turn this around and you play the whole tape out in your head, before you act out. Why is being alone and being comfortable in our own skin, why is this so scary? Why do you feel like you can not allow yourself you undivided attention for one year, to get to know yourself? Why do we want to continue to run after unhealthy people, thinking this relationship will be different, when we have not done the work on ourselves to have a different outcome? Because we have spent most of our lives running from ourselves and our fears, when we are bored, and we can focus on a relationship it makes us feel like we are really living life, when the truth is, we are only avoiding ourselves. I use to do this, I could tell everyone how to run their life, but I could not even run my own life. So the question is...Are you just bored? or Are you just addicted to the drama? Attachments:
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Post by Loving My Life on Mar 16, 2014 7:29:30 GMT -8
I was just curious if anyone could relate to this?
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Post by Havefaith on Mar 16, 2014 9:28:27 GMT -8
Oh, yes -- I most certainly can relate to this! I could write a book on how I got addicted to drama. John Bradshaw wrote in one of his books that those children who grew up in dysfunction, chaos and family drama do indeed get addicted to 'excitement' and drama. I was one of those children. As I was growing up, if everything was quiet in my home, it was simply the calm before the drama-storm. To top it all off, love addiction found its way into my life with a hefty dose of covert incest thrown into the mix; it went along quite nicely with my craving for drama/intrigue/excitement.
Consequently, for most of my adult life, if I wasn't with a POA, lining up my next POA, or dealing with the latest family crisis, I did not feel alive. In short, (and tragically) "LIFE" did not make me feel alive (every day living was boring to me). Addiction made me feel alive.
So, am I a drama addict? Yes. And a love addict. But -- I managing addiction through sobriety (daily vigilance; not giving into addictive behaviors), ongoing psychodynamic therapy, meditation (still not doing it regularly but I'm not giving up!), healthier activities, rediscovering spirituality, and generally redefining what it means to LIVE.
And for that, I am grateful...
HaveFaith
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 17, 2014 6:41:33 GMT -8
I think because the typical love addict (addict in general) lives in extreme highs and lows, that we "perceive" boredom and "perceive" drama or chaos as being the opposite end of the spectrum. And while one state of being might motivate the other to the point where you live between boredom and chaos, the underlying "motivator" of both of these behaviors is not knowing how to manage one's life. We come into this problem of not knowing how to manage our lives when we lack self-love, self-discipline, focus, dignity, self-respect, and a higher purpose-- or what Havefaith calls "what it means to live."
When we have the tools to live a more BALANCED life, the boredom, as well as the chaos and drama seem to get less extreme and less common. That is my understanding.
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Anna
Junior Member
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Post by Anna on Mar 17, 2014 11:45:28 GMT -8
This makes a lot of sense. I grew up in an extremely drama filled home so I got used to all the drama. I found myself gravitating toward dramatic, even "sordid" stories and events - I was just talking with a co-worker about that today (we work in a field where we hear these things quite often).
I am beginning to see that real life should be peaceful and generally routine - not some stuff going on 24/7. I feel the need to drink to change my mood from okay or relaxed to happy. I want to fall in love to change from feeling okay about life to being exhilarated. That's silly.
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Post by Loving My Life on Mar 27, 2014 4:47:19 GMT -8
I did not know that there was any other way to live before I got into recovery, having a peaceful quiet life really scared me, and I did not have a clue really what that meant. It has taken me a few years to adjust to the less dramatic and chaotic life, but I do enjoy being able to stay out of the drama today, this is what we are trying to accomplish today, with recovery. We set our boundaries, and we don't try to change people, places, or things, and in the process our life becomes a lot less chaotic. When you are raise in a household that is in turmoil all the time, this is what we expect in life, and this is what we get in life as well, anything less seems boring. And it is really not boring at all, boring for me at first was really peace and serenity, and I have never experienced this, so the only word I knew to explain this was boring. I know the only thing I had when I got into recovery was survival skills, I have no real life coping skills, and survival skills do not work very well when we are in recovery, we have to learn how to cope with real life, and we have to learn how to live life on life's terms, this does not mean we will never be upset, we will, and we learn through the recovery process how to deal with our feelings, and we learn it is ok to be upset, and to laugh and to cry, and to feel all of these feelings that we have been burying for so long, we don't have to keep drama going in order to avoid ourselves anymore. When you are angry, and there is a lot of drama in your life, this is red flag that something needs to change, and it is not our job to try to change people, we can only change ourselves. Trust me on this, I was a complete mess 5 years ago, and to be able to sit here and type this out and pass this experience on to others, is truly a blessing. I will not allow myself the stress of trying to make people act the way I think they should act anymore. I will remove myself from the situation, and sit down and have a good cry, and identify what feelings it is bringing up within myself to cause anger, sadness, and hurt, and pain. You have a choice in your adult life which road you want to travel: (1) Pain and suffering, (2) Peace and Serenity??? If you choose the road of pain and suffering, you really don't need to keep complaining about this, it is your choice. No one change make you change, you have to really want to change, and do it. Drama and chaos are not part of being in healthy place in your recovery. Attachments:
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Post by Looking4peace on Mar 27, 2014 16:40:51 GMT -8
All these comments are so true. For me, "boredom" makes me crave the high - need that adrenaline rush. I would like to say "made" me crave the high. I am finding it easy to stay sober in recovery at this point, albeit it only has been 4 months. But I am learning that boredom can equal PEACE.... I am longing for peace (hence my tag name). So when everything is quiet and still and emotions aren't running hot and cold....that is not boredom. That is nirvana!!!!
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Post by Sexlessw on Mar 23, 2020 8:25:53 GMT -8
Well, at this moment in time, boredom is hitting hard, especially since many of us are stuck at home.
Now is that good or bad? Looking4Peace made a good point in 2014. Boredom can = peace when we are on our own (so to speak).
Or boredom can make us focus too much on certain aspects of our lives. If you are still going through a NC period/phase, boredom can make you re-think the NC. Hopefully "rethink" by "Wow, it's so great that I have this moment in time to NOT be able to contact xPoA because I can't go and visit him and, yes, I did block the xPoA on all forms of social media."
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