|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Mar 29, 2014 3:17:38 GMT -8
It’s Spring! And many of my dear friends on these LAA boards have started to date again (or want to date), after a long winter of introspection and recovery work. But are they ready? Are you ready? If this wasn’t a love addiction site I would definitely say, Carpe Diem! Seize the day! Go for it! But a recovering love addict is a totally different, unique individual who has to approach dating with far more precaution than the average guy or girl. Just as a recovering alcoholic has to reconfigure the people, places and things in his sober life, so too does a recovering love addict. And when you know this, the safer and more successful you will be. I will post a series of 10 dating tips here, but you're free to read the full article here. 1. Know when you are (really!) ready to date. You may think you’re ready. You may even fantasize about the hot guy or girl at the office who gave you a “look.” But when it really comes down to it, and the question gets popped (How about Saturday night?), some of us are simply not ready, emotionally, mentally or physcially. How do you know? You know when the idea of dating doesn’t scare the hell out of you to the point where you simply cannot make the date, when it sounds “scary” but exciting too, when you don’t curl up into a ball and start crying hysterically after a first date because all you can think about is your ex, when you start to feel comfortable around strangers (not 100% but enough to have the courage to do so), and when being alone is not a bad thing, but you’re ready for something new… Many love addicts who still have a person of addiction (PoA) on their brain long after the relationship has ended (this is a torchbearer, by the way) do so not because they still love them or think they will get back together, but as a form of protection. If you are still emotionally attached to a person, it keeps you safe from having to date someone new, and thus, experience the possibility of new pain and rejection. Some love addicts become emotionally or sexually “anorexic,” which is a form of sex and/or love addiction also. Lastly, there is the issue of replacing one PoA with another, diving from one relationship into another, thus being “ready” for the wrong reasons. In this latter case, the person is not ready to date. He or she is simply looking for their next “fix.” How do you know the difference between being ready and looking for your next fix? See Tip #4. Otherwise, these areas of emotional and behavioral unrest need to be resolved first, before you’re ready. |
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Mar 29, 2014 12:38:32 GMT -8
It's such an interesting question, for a love addict. I still don't know when I'm coming from wanting my next hit and when I'm just going with the flow of life. A friend asked me a month or so ago if I wanted to meet someone, and I said yes. He sounded potentially interesting. She passed my number on to him. I didn't want to get involved with anyone until I've finished a round of sessions with my therapist. They finish in the next couple of weeks. I decided I would use the sessions existing still as a safeguard to me to just be friends with this person, no romantic anythings. I've met up with this guy and we've gone out together twice. Cycling and talking, swimming and eating. I like him, we get on really well and he seems to be really nice, available and an emotionally engaged and thoughtful person. He is very active and does fun things I like to do, like bike riding, so I'm excited there is a new friend for me to do these things with.
The real issue is what is going on in my head. After the second date I could see I could be attracted to him, there isn't any reason why not. In fact, yeah, I am attracted already. I am thinking about him more now than I was before and feel unsure of how much is OK to think about him and how much is obsessing. Now that I write here I can see it's already too much. And the main emotion I notice, apart from excitement, is hope. This is the one I think that gets me into trouble. Because the hope goes alongside with fantasy about the future.
ps. And now I can see I've been on a high for about a week. Super excited in my 12 step group, happy and confident around other people, cracking jokes, etc. Doing all that stuff. It's fun but I know what it means. My love addict is getting a hit.
pps. Reading this back the remedy is clear- hand it all over to my higher power. If it's meant to be, it will be. If not, it won't. Trust in that, and then I get to have a good time in my life whether a relationship eventuates with this guy or not.
|
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Apr 2, 2014 8:28:55 GMT -8
Now that I write here I can see it's already too much. And the main emotion I notice, apart from excitement, is hope. . Hi Jgirl, I kept wanting to respond to this but haven't had time. This too started to happen with me and D early on, until I denied myself these thoughts and practiced mindfulness (staying in the present). Don't knock denial! It's a super wonderful behavior that helps improve self-discipline  And so, what that meant to me, was no entertaining ANY thoughts about this guy unless I was with him or unless it was RELEVANT and ESSENTIAL to the safety of my life. And while answering that can be rather subjective, here's what it meant to me: No "hoping" for outcomes. WHatever happens, happens. Even if that means the relationship goes up in flames. No fantasizing. No dreamy reveries while lying in bed, wondering what if… No future-thinking. None of that, "I wonder what it would be like to marry that guy…" No needy thinking. I need him to call. What if he doesn't call? I need him to join me for this event in 2 weeks. I need to know if I'm doing anything this weekend…. These are unnecessary thoughts. And... No asking "Why" thoughts. This almost seems counterproductive. SHouldn't we question why someone does something or why things are happening the way they are? NO! We should observe, and write down or log those observations. That's all. There's no need for why at our age. WHen someone doesn't call, we shouldn't be obsessing over "Why" he didn't call. WE KNOW WHY. We just don't like the answer. Why hasn't he texted yet? Why hasn't he asked me out again? Why hasn't he responded to my message? Why does he only call for sex? Trust what you already know and stop asking why. Write stuff down. Observe. ANd then based on your FACTS, you make a decision whether to maintain a relationship or not. But stop asking why. |
|
Anna
Junior Member
Posts: 74 
|
Post by Anna on Apr 2, 2014 8:54:29 GMT -8
I couldn't do the above (i.e., no hoping, fantasizing, etc.) right now, so I guess it's probably best I'm not dating and have no prospects! If someone were to get involved with me, it would be INCREDIBLY hard for me to avoid falling for them, obsessing or asking all the "why?" questions. I'm not far along in recovery yet.
|
|
|
|
Post by Carito1988 on Apr 2, 2014 18:30:28 GMT -8
Thank you Lovely June for your post, yes you are right. I think that I will be in totally recovery when I stop looking to get this amazing men who will be there to safe me, ans start to think more in myself. When I stop searching in others I will be totally in my recovery.
The hard part is take the steps to do it.
Carito
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Apr 2, 2014 20:21:01 GMT -8
Yep yep yep!
I have to completely let go. There is no halfway, I'll obsess a little bit here and there, nope, none, that's it. Forget it. Obsess and regress. I am going away and won't see him this weekend so I texted him to let him know. Reason to text- legit. He has lined up another date with me next week. His response- measured and sane and interested. My god I am enjoying the slow lane. I have a life that is more important (to me) than men! Yipppeeeee!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2014 14:09:24 GMT -8
read the whole article. excellent work. thank u for the solid advice!
|
|
Anna
Junior Member
Posts: 74
|
Post by Anna on Apr 4, 2014 7:00:17 GMT -8
Yay!! Good for you, Jacarandagirl!
That is what I'm striving for right now.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Apr 4, 2014 9:14:15 GMT -8
Keep striving for it! Once you are out on the road and doing things you've always wanted to do, you'll look back and wonder what the heck took you so long. I'm not joking.
ps. Also, you'll realise that you have become the type of woman you used to wish you could be, but in the past you wished you could be that woman so that you could catch a man. You know that woman, the one who is confidant and knows what she likes and doesn't like, what she wants, how to look after herself. She smiles a lot, laughs, jokes and is generally a happy person. She can be alone and fulfulled or with friends. She is free to change her mind and make mistakes. She doesn't beat herself up for them.
That woman is you, only she is still afraid. Fear blocks all this from living in you. Work on yourself and the fear gradually lessens. Love addiction is born out of fear. Of being alone.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2014 14:12:25 GMT -8
Keep striving for it! Once you are out on the road and doing things you've always wanted to do, you'll look back and wonder what the heck took you so long. I'm not joking. ps. Also, you'll realise that you have become the type of woman you used to wish you could be, but in the past you wished you could be that woman so that you could catch a man. You know that woman, the one who is confidant and knows what she likes and doesn't like, what she wants, how to look after herself. She smiles a lot, laughs, jokes and is generally a happy person. She can be alone and fulfulled or with friends. She is free to change her mind and make mistakes. She doesn't beat herself up for them. That woman is you, only she is still afraid. Fear blocks all this from living in you. Work on yourself and the fear gradually lessens. Love addiction is born out of fear. Of being alone. PREACH Jacarandagirl well-stated! |
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on Apr 6, 2014 3:34:29 GMT -8
Ha ha, when you say PREACH do you mean I sound like I am preaching? I do that. It just seems to flow out of me, I don't know why. I know I need to hear it, that's about it really. Thanks though!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2014 18:26:18 GMT -8
Jacarandagirl What you said was poignant and powerful. Something like a pastor/minister would say.
|
|
|
|
Post by Loveanimals on Apr 7, 2014 3:19:43 GMT -8
Great information LovelyJune and Jacarandagirl!
|
|
