Is It Part of Love Addiction Or Being Human?

Good point. I believe that what I did as a love addict, however, was take that normal human experience and take it to the level of addiction through obsession and limerence and craving. I used that normal human experience to get 'high' much like any addict who abuses a substance/behavior for a hit --and then my love addiction reeled out of control, as I desperately chased the high with POA after POA.

I have to be vigilant every time I'm in a situation that could be a potential trigger. For me, "this experience or feeling that is also shared by any normal human being" is not processed by me in a healthy fashion. But -- awareness and using the tools of recovery keeps me sober and on a healthier path than ever before...

HaveFaith

It's all about balance. And love addiction is when that "normal" human behavior gets completely off balance. That's another reason why "curing" love addiction is so difficult. Sometimes it's easier to completely remove that which triggers you (like alcohol to an alcoholic). But for love or food addicts, we cannot deny ourselves a relationship. Instead, we have to learn balance, which is not necessarily more difficult than complete denial. Just different. Thanks for the post!

"There was zero focus on my family or my career or my physical/mental health."

Spoken like a true addict (and I'm one of them) -- addiction is indeed destructive. The addict has one thing in mind -- chasing after his/her drug of choice (alcohol, heroin, gambling, POA, the list goes on. Little else matters -- until the bottom drops out, we hit rock bottom, and are on the verge of losing everything.

Today, I am grateful to be sober...

HaveFaith

Thank you all for sharing your great insights.


In my case, I have no doubt that prior to recovery my reaction during the first meeting is a part of love addiction. However, in recent years it is mostly within the parameters of "predicted outcome value theory" or 'being human'.


I am tired of fantasy. Reality is the way to go. Nevertheless, I am still vigilant from time to time.

So true. We have to come to terms with the reality of our past (no matter how traumatic it might be), along with taking responsibility for our present state by attending to our needs and being vigilant. And yes, none of us should rest on yesterday's laurel. It is a constant daily practice, that is what can make or break a person. As it says, "it took me 25 years to be an 'overnight success'.

Carito, indeed obsession is tiring. What helps me in stopping it is cutting its source and not feeding it. ( I carefully select the stuff that I read, watch, listen to, etc.) And I think on purpose the things that I want to develop in me.

Thanks 5sisters. I am enthusiastic of research study that is credible and that is not too ordinary or common knowledge already.

lml, you are 100% correct, in my opinion, when you say it just does NOT work when "we are always trying to fill a void within ourselves with something outside of ourselves."

One of my favorite authors, Judith Orloff, M.D., phrased it this way, and I remind myself daily that I must "Surrender the illusion that anything on the outside - a job, money, a soul mate - can fix you." ("The Ecstasy of Surrender")

I have to look at myself from the inside out .... Thanks for the reminder, LML!

HaveFaith

In Judith Orloff's new book, she has devoted an entire chapter to 'love' and the idea of the soul-mate and how we often use fantasy to fulfill unrealistic expectations; it is a fascinating read. But yes, laundry, while not 'exciting' as such, is a healthy activity and sure beats acting-out and the accompanying crash.

I choose reality. One day at a time.

HaveFaith

I have family members who have zero history of addiction, and could not understand why I suffered, now have smartphones with the games and social media and say they cannot put their phone down.

One family member says she can finally now understand the obsession and compulsion that I have dealt with and other family members have dealth with.f

Our brains aren't meant to process all of this stimulation, to play computer games and meet hundreds of people in a day through technology.

Hours can pass, jobs, family, households are a mess and suffer. That's when we hit our rock bottom, or those in recovery can catch themselves slipping again and use their tool box to stop the behaviors.

I found vigilance and having my therapist to check in weekly was so helpful, plus I had a score card where I tracked any thoughts and acting out with other men....and we had a plan for tackling those. I had to stop with her due to losing my job and I can see where I slipped there, all of a sudden I was not tracking it and just slipped and then realized that this was ridiculous.

I keep telling myself that those people I would spend hours texting with 2 years ago, where are they in my life now? Was I just using that to help me get through the housework? Why spend that much energy on men who come and go vs. put that same energy in relationships with family and friends that really matter?

I also realize it gets worse when I feel isolated, as I do now when I'm out of a job. Before I had female co-workers to talk to daily about our children, etc., so I'm forcing myself to get out and socialize with other females, as I did last night. It doesn't make me feel bad and it was nice to talk about our lives. I realized a lot of my addiction is the need for conversation and someone to connect with. Men in pursuit will talk to you forever and then drop you after they get what they want. These women last night weren't looking to do that to me.