Dating 101: let things happen naturally, and no computer!

5. Let things happen organically. Letting things happen organically means removing the fantasy…100%. That means that when the date is over, it’s over. Go home. You can think about the wonderful feeling of his touch, but do not try on his name and imagine the two of you on an Alaskan Cruise as Honeymooners. You can certainly enjoy the thoughts of her that pop into your head the next day, but don’t imagine what your children will look like. Letting things happen organically means living in the now. If he hasn’t called, he hasn’t called. Gently push those wanting, needing and fantasy thoughts from your head and replace them with thoughts on your work, or what you are presently doing. Remove the ruminating! If he doesn’t call in two weeks, let it go. The more you fantasize, or obsess the more you remove the organic nature of what is meant to happen versus what is not meant to happen. This is hard work, but in the end, it’s EASIER this way!!!! Trust me. This is when it's good to practice letting your Higher Power take over. The universe knows what's next, you don't. 

• No "hoping" for outcomes. Whatever happens, happens. Even if that means the relationship goes up in flames.
• No fantasizing. No dreamy reveries while lying in bed, wondering what if…
• No future-thinking. None of that, "I wonder what it would be like to marry that guy…"
• No needy thinking. I need him to call. What if he doesn't call? I need him to join me for this event in 2 weeks. I need to know if I'm doing anything this weekend…. These are unnecessary thoughts.
• No asking "Why" thoughts. This almost seems counterproductive. SHouldn't we question why someone does something or why things are happening the way they are? NO! We should observe, and write down or log those observations. That's all. There's no need for why at our age. WHen someone doesn't call, we shouldn't be obsessing over "Why" he didn't call. WE KNOW WHY. We just don't like the answer. Why hasn't he texted yet? Why hasn't he asked me out again? Why hasn't he responded to my message? Why does he only call for sex? Trust what you already know and stop asking why. Write stuff down. Observe. ANd then based on your FACTS, you make a decision whether to maintain a relationship or not. But stop asking why.

6. Step away from the computer. One of the most important steps a recovering love addict can take is to abandon any idea of online dating. Don’t do it. And don't argue with me over the positives of online dating.  Say goodbye to it. Online dating sites are a petrie dish of toxicity for the love addict. Why is that? Because they are filled with three things: the hope of instant gratification (finding someone with one click); the promotion of fantasy-based exchanges (when you don’t have a clear picture of someone you are free to “fill in the blanks” and create what you want that person to be); and the almost complete removal of the crucial human necessity to judge someone realistically, in person, FIRST, before getting emotionally attached to them. Because love addicts need to learn to defer gratification, control their susceptibility to fantasy, and be able to judge people realistically, online dating is a bad idea. It’s like an alcoholic hanging out in a bar after he has given up drinking. It’s only a matter of time before he will slip. Online dating may be great for healthy people, but not for love addicts. SO, if you want to get healthier, say goodbye to Match.com or eHarmony. You need to train for success in the real world!