Post by xresilientgirlx on Apr 8, 2014 16:09:42 GMT -8
I was reading through the various love addict categories and while I have been codependent in the past, I think I fit more into this style. Because I still have feelings for the girl who made me discover that I'm a Love Addict. I still fantasize about her, mostly clinging to the feelings I had when I was in the relationship and day dreaming about her...that was like...5 or 6 years ago? And I still have feelings for my second girl friend, whom I was thinking about her and how much I miss her and what we had. This is happening while I'm in a relationship with a deployed soldier. You can imagine how guilty I feel about these thoughts and feelings. I'm also missing another girl that I dated briefly, from a few years back, and then about another girl who I almost had a relationship with. There seems to be a common trend in all this. When it comes to women I behave like the textbook Love Addict. When it comes to dating men, I'm a Love Avoidant. I always pick unavailable people...women especially, but it also happens with men from time to time. I was thinking...and knowing, that I wasn't really in love with these girls...okay one of them I was, but most of this my mind and heart playing tricks on me. It wasn't love, it was the feeling of being in love. It wasn't real. Boy, this is hard and is giving me a headache!
They are long gone from my life yet I find myself reliving the memories when I really should just let it all go. I often choose people who are unavailable, physically, mentally or emotionally. Even with my current boyfriend...I chose someone who was being sent overseas. And now I'm not so sure I could handle being in this relationship, though a part of me really wants to try to make it work. He needs my support. And I can't really talk to him about my issues because I'm afraid it would impair his ability to function. He doesn't need my issues and drama. He has more important things to worry about. I don't want to distract him, and while it goes against what I learned in therapy, I'm going to try to avoid telling him if I'm struggling or suffering. I have some serious mental health issues. I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Social Phobia, Performance Anxiety, Major Depression and most recently Schizoaffective Disorder (Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder combined). He knows my disorders, I was very up front with him about them because I wanted him to know what he was getting into. I've been without a counselor for a few months now, because my therapist died suddenly and unexpectedly. I have been searching for a new one, and for a new psychiatrist but the only one I've found so far is a free short term counseling program through an organization associated with my workplace. I'm sharing this, because I want to know...how far do I go before my mental health gets compromised? How long am I supposed to lie to him and pretend I'm fine when I'm not?
My old therapist tried to teach me relationship skills, because my parents were lousy teachers, and I was trying to use what I learned then, but because he is deployed, I have to refrain from using those skills, because they taught me how to be open and honest. And this is going against everything that I have learned. What a mess.
They are long gone from my life yet I find myself reliving the memories when I really should just let it all go. I often choose people who are unavailable, physically, mentally or emotionally. Even with my current boyfriend...I chose someone who was being sent overseas. And now I'm not so sure I could handle being in this relationship, though a part of me really wants to try to make it work. He needs my support. And I can't really talk to him about my issues because I'm afraid it would impair his ability to function. He doesn't need my issues and drama. He has more important things to worry about. I don't want to distract him, and while it goes against what I learned in therapy, I'm going to try to avoid telling him if I'm struggling or suffering. I have some serious mental health issues. I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Social Phobia, Performance Anxiety, Major Depression and most recently Schizoaffective Disorder (Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder combined). He knows my disorders, I was very up front with him about them because I wanted him to know what he was getting into. I've been without a counselor for a few months now, because my therapist died suddenly and unexpectedly. I have been searching for a new one, and for a new psychiatrist but the only one I've found so far is a free short term counseling program through an organization associated with my workplace. I'm sharing this, because I want to know...how far do I go before my mental health gets compromised? How long am I supposed to lie to him and pretend I'm fine when I'm not?
My old therapist tried to teach me relationship skills, because my parents were lousy teachers, and I was trying to use what I learned then, but because he is deployed, I have to refrain from using those skills, because they taught me how to be open and honest. And this is going against everything that I have learned. What a mess.