I Made a Different Choice

I wasn't sure where to post this, I decided to just start a new thread-hope that's ok? 

I just felt inspired to share with this community a small victory,  I can now see it is one small victory after another that adds up to not staying stuck. So tonight I'm feeling hopeful because I just got totally triggered and my gut reaction was to say "to hell with this" I'm going to go do that one thing I promised myself I would not do. But I caught myself, I watched how I was willing to write off everything I have been working so hard on to basically have a quick fix, to run away and then to bury myself in the process. But I didn't, and that's what I wanted to share tonight. I didn't do it, I was able to slow things down and remember why I don't want to trade dignity and self respect for short term pleasure.

An elderly woman recently said to me "Honey, is the juice worth the squeeze??" I hear her voice now, and I am proud of myself for not throwing it all away in a moment of anxiety and fear. I can feel the intensity beginning to subside already, the moment is passing and I did not betray myself and engage in behavior that would have left me worse off than I was before being triggered. It seems like a small thing but when the desire to seek contact with my POA hit it was not easy to resist it. I know he'd welcome me in and give me that short term pleasure but that is all he can offer. It is as nourishing as cardboard and I'm tired of starving, I need a better plan. 

I think the difference was witnessing myself go from feeling pretty solid to being triggered and almost entirely changing my belief system. I went from what I would say are my authentic values to the mindset of someone I don't want to be, someone who only cares about escaping this moment that feels like too much. But I didn't let that impulsive and fear filled part of me take the keys and drive this time. I am so thankful for this and just pray I can keep doing it, one day at a time. 

Thanks for listening