Also confused about whether to keep LC

It's not that you have to stop all contact, or talk to him about it, neither of those. Just hand it over to your HP. Practise noticing when you're spinning your wheels on something that is going nowhere and you can't work it out. Then let it go. That's the important bit. Come back to you, you've left yourself out of the picture. It's all about him.

I was talking to my sponsor yesterday about something about me and the man I've been dating. I'll start another thread about it later. She said to me, "Do you know what message it sends to someone else when you won't respect your own needs?" And I knew straight away, it tells them that they don't have to respect your needs either. That's happening for you (and for me)- you have a need for a relationship to progress from a friendship to a rel in a more straightforward, clear, quicker, face-to-face manner than this man behaves (if he is even wanting that with you, we don't know because he doesn't always act like that).

You aren't getting that with him, and he would know that you want more too, even if you haven't actually said it in so many words, because we're smart that way. Remember how when you have a male friend you aren't that keen on for anything more with, and he makes that first action, whether it's the way he talks or listens to you, or asks you if you'll be around or is available for you when you need help or something, and you know in that instant that he is interested? Before that moment you never thought about it and then boom, you know he's up for it? You just know it in your bones. Same for this guy. He knows you are, and you're putting up with his push-me-pull-you goings on.

So already that dynamic is in motion, and if you stayed hanging in there and pursuing, he would likely know that he has the opportunity to, pretty much, use you (sorry) without having to worry too much about the consequences, since you are already giving him the cues that you will accept something below the standard of what you really want. He pulls you in with some written intimacy (which is not really intimate actually), then says no, he can't see you, for no good reason, then throws out a little line again because you might be a bit miffed, you bite, he reels you back in, throws you out again, etc etc. Tiring. It's avoidant, it's pretty much a red flag.

Hi paisley,

I agree with Jacarandagirl, love avoidants love to have intimacy over the written material.

I had dinner with a female friend and said the same that many of us with the demands of work, children and spouse will want to escape with a man who "appears" to give us undivided attention online at night after the kids are in bed. Yet it's a fantasy - we don't know how many women he is talking to, if he is an avoidant, or other red flags like is he married, have a girlfriend, some sort of secret (believe me many avoid ants have "secret" wives or girlfriends whom I encountered the hard way, when the woman confronted me in a sea of rage and I had no idea he had a girlfriend.

I've had these long distance relationships where I would hang on to them like it was the oxygen which got me through each day, only to end up hurt and disappointed with an angry girlfriend threatening me, and at that point I was so hooked I couldn't bear to let him go.

Now I catch myself as I do still have a male pen pal but watch if I'm obsessing or thinking about meeting him or going away for a weekend trip with him. If he stays a platonic friend who is there to help me with my recovery that is fine, but if it crosses the bridge into any type of obsession then I back off. Luckily through recovery I haven't found the need to have a pen pal for my emotional needs, it's more of someone to give me a reality check of what many men are after which is to game a love addict with romantic words and gestures to get sex and to drop you after they get what they want.

Another option is to just be open and honest with him. If you are friends like you say you are, ASK HIM. Talk with him. About you (plural), "us", the r'ship, friendship ...whatever you want to call it. That's not pushing or manipulating. It's asking so you can know.

This also requires being open and honest w/ how you feel and what you want. So I guess you'll have to be prepared for rejection if it hits..

It seems like all this angst could be cleared up if you just spoke with the guy.

(Old) news flash... avoidant behaviour... you know it yourself! He's using you are a nice little distraction. You write well and are witty and entertaining. You don't have a potential partner on your hands, you have a current flirtatious avoidant, who is probably avoiding all sorts of other things. Like you are, at work, like we all are to some extent...I know, it's me too... but I'm working hard to change it. I think you are trying too. Forget him, move on! Stop even answering! Let him write the "what's going on, are you upset with me?" message and then say "YES I am, I'm finding the flirtation annoying because you're not available and I don't want to do it anymore. Goodbye until I see you in the real world somewhere". And then don't write again, anything, ever. Unless he says I'm coming there on the weekend. And even then I wouldn't answer. 'Cos he'll revert.

Yes, Paisley you have good quality friends to spend your time with than waste your time going around the circle with a non-committal, unreliable guy. He seems to give you only shallow stuff. You sure do not need it. And yes, give your attention and energy to your career instead. It is time to reassess it and find what best suits you. Something you are passionate about and make you grow.

Hey Paisely I was posting here about playing hard to get and something I realised about it, and then realised I should put it in my journal. Have a read if you want.

requin, I absolutely agree about the value of self-discipline. I grew up up with almost nothing except that and it makes a whole lot of difference for me. So if there is one thing I am grateful for is self-discipline because with it I was able to achieve many goals and enjoying perfect health.


I think this situation of Paisley with this guy is applicable to many of us as well. It would be a good practice to have an inventory of our network or the people in our contact list. Dave Alberga, the CEO of the Active Sports Network said he only stays in touch with people who "make a difference in my life. People I connect with on both personal and professional level and who enrich my life." And that the objective is to find people you can learn from and who can help you become a better person...


So I guess it is time to have an assessment and ask ourselves who's in our list/network? Ensuring that it is made of quality, meaningful relationships; consisting of people you truly care about, enjoy spending time with and compatible with your values. (Needless to say, mutual.) Otherwise better remove them from the list of people you stay in touch.

Paisely: Fight the power. Darn right you don't have time for THAT sort of pen pal. Great to read you are getting a hold of the situation.

I don't have much to offer regarding suggestions, but I do want to say I really enjoyed reading this thread! Reading all the posts, I've found some huge gems that help me recognize my own addictive behavior and how it can manifest. Thanks all!