Word of Encouragement - Progress is Possible
May 14, 2014 6:04:47 GMT -8
requin, loveelleng, and 1 more like this
Post by FlowersForever on May 14, 2014 6:04:47 GMT -8
I wanted to offer a word of encouragement to anyone that is just starting this journey and who is in lots of pain and turmoil. It gets better. It really does get better. Recovery works (as they say, if you work it). The pain can subside, life can feel normal and peaceful, and not covered over by misery and depression. I seriously doubted this even a couple of months ago, but I finally feel like I am coming out of the darkness. FINALLY. I am nowhere near where I want to be, but it really has gotten better, leaps and bounds better than one year ago, and I wanted to encourage anyone just starting out. It DOES get better.
You can read my “newcomer post” but as a refresher, I am 45 and learned I am a love addict within the last year. I thought everyone experienced relationships like I did; nothing seemed unusual to me, and no one ever indicated there was anything wrong with the way I related to men. I knew I settled in relationships, and didn’t know why, as I tried so hard to be discerning and pick good men. A romantic relationship was the pinnacle of my existence, though I didn't see it what way in the midst of it. In late 2012, I fell in love with a married man who I thought was the love of my life. He said he felt the same and we both planned to end our marriages to be together. It was perfect, until he backed away from me and didn’t leave his wife, though I left my husband. For several months after that, he still said all the right things, but his actions were to the contrary. He didn’t want to see me as much anymore, there were lots of excuses, lots of “miscommunications”. Many promises he made, they were broken or deferred. I went from being his first priority to low on the list.
This crushed me like I had never been crushed. I was utterly undone. The emotional and physical suffering I endured (from the broken heart and realization that I was wrong about him); well, I don’t even like to think about those black days. I don’t know how I made it through. I felt like I had been set adrift on an ocean in the darkness. I cried more in the last year than I have my whole life. I became seriously suicidal. I constantly felt like the ground was giving way under me; I couldn’t get my footing. I felt like the waves were constantly overtaking me; I would barely get my head above water to breath before another wave hit. My faith was shaken to the core. I could go on and on about how unbelievably awful the last year has been. This sounds dramatic, but I know there are folks on this board that can relate. I had never had an experience in my life like this breakup. My life cracked open and I as exposed and raw, I no longer had any security, no place to turn, I could no longer find solace in anything or anyone, especially within myself.
What helped me? #1 was learning about my inner child and the need to self-parent and fulfill/heal that which was missing/damaged in the formative years. Understanding that there was nothing innately "wrong" with me. I learned this via 1x1 therapy, studying voraciously about love addiction, visiting this board and reading/posting, and finding accountability partners to talk with who understood what I was going through. I participated in two therapy "intensives". Also on the list of helpfulness was 12 step recovery groups (SLAA has worked for me), journaling, deliberately not isolating, and finding activities that I enjoy (after figuring out what those are). Establishing values. Learning there is no void inside me. Taking an anti-depressant is in there somewhere but it is hard to know how helpful this is given all the other recovery work I have been doing. Incidentally, I loathe taking medicine, but it got to the point of saying to myself, “better taking medicine than actually take my life”.
NO CONTACT (NC) – was the absolute hardest step for me; yet an essential key to getting my sanity back. I wanted for so long to figure out who to accomplish recovery while skipping NC. My POA is not a monster. He is simply married and unavailable. Nonetheless, after what we shared for those few idyllic months, I could not fathom life without him. I thought he was my soulmate. I thought he was so many things that he didn’t live up to; I made endless excuses for his behaviors and decisions that hurt and disappointed me. Despite all my best efforts to wait patiently for him to leave his wife, and manage my unwieldy feelings in the interim, my life became so unbearably painful subsisting on the tiny s-c-r-a-p-s of love and attention he gave me, that eventually I had to embark upon NC. I just couldn’t take the pain, disappointment, rejection, shame and misery anymore. So many attempts at NC failed. I got to the point where I didn’t see any reason of trying anymore as I couldn’t make it more than a few weeks.
But I have turned a corner, and some clarity has come in, and NC isn’t unbearable anymore. It makes a lot of sense and I can mostly embrace it (my addict is irrational, so I cannot speak absolutely). I see the value of NC, because NC = sanity, peace, relief for me. This wasn't always true, but it is now. Nothing used to result in sanity, peace or relief.
What I have learned is there is value in making healthy decisions as often as I can, even if it is two unhealthy decisions for every healthy one. My therapist says how important it is to string together as much health as you can, even though there will be setbacks to interrupt it, and it will add up, it will make a difference in the long run. Net net, it will result in progress. I believe she is right.
I am not out of the woods, I know I could slip up at any moment. I just want you to know that I can finally breathe easier again. It has been at least two months since I went for days on end in unbearable misery, going to bed with it, waking up with it, going to the ladies room several times a day at work to sob. I haven’t fallen into a pit of despair (i.e. suicide depression) for a few months; that was happening 2-3 times a month. I am not plagued with endless memories of him, or imaginary conversations with him or about him; that used to happen daily. I haven’t thought about suicide in nearly two months. I had a day of deep sadness a couple of weeks ago, but it only lasted a day, not several. I still have bitterness for all the pain I have experienced, and over the loss of my dream/fantasy surrounding my POA, but it doesn't consume me.
Something has changed, but I surely didn’t see any change coming. I had became very cynical, recovery didn’t seem to be helping much at all. Frankly, I was convinced that things were never going to get any better than they were; I believed I was destined to eek out an existence in the midst of shattered dreams and hobbled by a debilitating addiction.
I know I am healing. I am building up some self-esteem that enables me to make healthier choices sometimes. I am learning who I am in the absence of the love of a man, which used to define me.
I know I am not delivered. I know there are sad days in my future, I know I may even visit the pit of despair again. All I know is that I have been feeling pretty good for several weeks now, and it is a relief. I know for certain I am not experiencing the misery and pain of a year ago.
I wish I could say when it will change for you. But it can, if you are willing, and make the effort. Just don’t give up. -FlowersForever