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Post by geedee on Jan 10, 2010 14:43:05 GMT -8
moonlight please stop torturing yourself. he's their dad and look at what has just happened! greta
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Post by moonlight on Jan 10, 2010 23:46:30 GMT -8
Hi Greta
Thank you. But what do you mean exactly? Moonlight
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Post by geedee on Jan 10, 2010 23:53:11 GMT -8
i mean that he can decide who his kids see and when. he can promise you something and then change his mind at the last moment and you have no say in the matter. YOU and the kids end up getting hurt because of the games he may or may not be playing.
I just don't want you to get hurt further. NC is the best way to get into recovery in my opinion. unfortunately that means NC with his kids too if you want to stop the pain I think.
greta
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Post by moonlight on Jan 11, 2010 0:04:51 GMT -8
Greta, thank you so much for your kind advice. Now I understand what you mean. You are absolutely right: it is his call. Good thing about all this: it has really helped me to see he really is not the kind of person I want to be with. I'm really angry with him: that helps a lot in saying goodbye. Although to be honest, the whole thing has made me see my own part in this power struggle as well.
I don't want to hurt further either, but I sincerely believe the girl is best of with some form of contact with me once in a while. If this is granted, I will look closely. Maybe the contact can die a "natural end". Instead it being the heartbreaking event it is now (as her mother told me and I also noticed when I was talking on the phone with her end of December; she never ever wanted to talk to anyone but her parents on the phone cause she is shy, but now she ripped the phone from her fathers hands and kept on talking to me, even when they went to have a bath, I told her: now we are going to hang up the phone, but instead she took it upstairs into the bath).
I am going to concentrate on the Serenity Prayer and take all the valuable information about myself with me until I reach the 4th Step.
Thanks again, it's so nice to read people reacting.
Love, Moonlight
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Post by geedee on Jan 11, 2010 0:10:25 GMT -8
i know it must be so painful for her too but her father may fear that she won't get over you if she keeps seeing you or hearing from you.
I'm sorry to be so blunt but maybe he wants NC because he needs it. and he needs you out of his life altogether. he would consider a call from you or a card or whatever a 'ping' even if it is addressed to his daughter. think about it. greta
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Post by moonlight on Jan 11, 2010 0:26:05 GMT -8
You're right. Well, if he withdraws altogether, I can always send a card to their mothers address once in a while. I know I'm stubborn on the contact with the children stuff, but showing them I'm still here for them is something I've made up my mind about long before. I've had a great deal of thought about this, read stories of adult children of broken up parents, talked to a collegue that had the same experience as a child, etc.
I just don't want them to learn the lesson that you attach to a person, but she might be away suddenly and completely. That's the lesson they are being taught a lot already in their family of origin (their father had no contact with his father for 25 years because his mother prevented him to; his father has no contact with his ex-wives and two of his daughters, his mother has no contact with her parents etc). I think these things can go more gradually.
Hey, and you're not blunt (as how I understand it). Blunt means rude right? It's good to help me realize their father might need NC to recover from the breakup and that's why he seems to shield away. That's useful. Moonlight
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Post by geedee on Jan 11, 2010 0:32:29 GMT -8
by blunt I meant I was speaking plainly and to the point. it can sometimes mean rude too. but i didn't mean to be rude.
greta
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 11, 2010 15:07:18 GMT -8
I agree with Greta. WHen you leave a relationship like this one, there are consequences, good and bad. To stay around for the children only complicates things, and truthfully, it's very possibly a way for you to hang on to him. Ask yourself, honestly, if that might be the case.
When you move on...you must do so completely. If the children seek you out later in life that's another matter entirely.
T
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Post by lynna on Jan 11, 2010 21:34:14 GMT -8
so sorry moonlight.
Anyway, I am very confused about this. Lia is alawys calling me and I am still drawn to her. But if you look up "Too Bright a Star..." in Torchbearers, you will see why I am leaving her. I have promised myself to NC her for a week, but don't know if I can keep that...she is in my life.
My sponsor has told her to keep away, but she still keeps calling me.
Her last message said, "Lynna, I know how you are feeling, why dont' you talk to me...?"
Oh...
If I change my phone number, it will mean certain NC and I don't nkow if I can do that. But I tried boundaries and I still got hurt.
Lynna
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Post by moonlight on Jan 12, 2010 0:29:13 GMT -8
Thanks for your advice Telmita. And Lynna: good luck, hard!
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Post by miztex on Feb 8, 2010 10:18:28 GMT -8
I have decided to list my boundaries and try to live them from now on. It occurred to me that listing them with make them clearer in my mind.
1. No relationships outside of my marriage other than friends. No Friends w/fringe benefits, no emotional affairs, nada. 2. No inappropriate sexual talk accepted or given. 3. Pay attention to bad vibes. My intuition is usually right. 4. No more Disney fantasies. The Sound of Music was just a movie. 5. No contact with POA. Ever. 6. No intriguing, lying, or any other dishonest behaviors. 7. No cyberstalking.
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Post by lunitabonita on Oct 24, 2010 5:19:02 GMT -8
I realize it's NC for me, it's too soon otherwise but we have a daughter and we will most likely communicate before I feel strong enough. Boundaries regarding him are still too fuzzy for me. Everyday that goes by I feel more calm inside. At times I've found myself wanting to call and rant "YOU SEE HOW YOU DON'T GIVE A stuff ABOUT ME" but my feelings of calmness support me and I drop it. I feel very scared of when the time comes when I have to face him. I fear I will be powerless to my "loving him" and inmediately start obssesing.
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Post by PrettyCloud on Jan 12, 2011 11:00:38 GMT -8
For me, NC is impossible. Well, it could be possible but I share two beautiful kids with my POA and we both believe in raising our kids in a healthly environment. Although in the recent past, I admit that we both failed at giving them a healthly environment but admitting to that is a positive step forward. When we separated, we agreed that we would do our best at being there for the kids, whether it be having to be together at certain events or taking turns. So far we've been there together for the both of them.
We still take them to places out of town that calls for overnight trips. At first it was hard for me because i want so much for things to be the way they use to where we'd share the same bed. I'm a very affectionate person and loves to give hugs and kisses and it was hard to refrain from doing all that. But it has gotten easier.
I've set boundaries for myself and put then into use when we took the kids sledding this past weekend. It wasn't too difficult but at times I still felt that urge to crawl over to his bed. I had to remember I can only control what I feel and my own actions. I can't make him feel anything for me. That even if I share a bed with him, things will still be the same when I wake up in the morning.
Thanks for allowing me to share. Be strong everyone!
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Post by willingtochange on Feb 10, 2011 9:59:23 GMT -8
Wow I really needed to read these posts...I only have NC right now because I was directed not to interfere with my POA's process. There has been NC in a little over two weeks. We were recently engaged and have a 1 yr. old daughter and i am 5 mos. pregnant. The pattern has always been he doesn't like something and leaves. There is no communication and I wind up leaving messages going to his daughters where he stays begging him to come home. That is what I have always done in the past at least, hurting myself in the interim. So I have to set the boundary of leaving him where he's until he's ready because I am unable to reach out without attempting to prove how much I want him or love him (sick I know). Taking care of myself is the goal the boundary is not getting in the way of my POA's process. Please let me know if I am on the right track. - :)Thanks Willingtochange
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 10, 2011 16:00:24 GMT -8
Willingtochange--
Who directed you not to interfere with PoA? I think they were right to suggest this to you. What's more, you should not involve the children in trying to gain his attention. This is not their job.
Setting boundaries is a great idea, as long as you stick to your boundaries and keep them in place not because you were directed to do so, but because you recognize their value when used to control your behavior.
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Post by willingtochange on Feb 10, 2011 21:40:54 GMT -8
Hi - Well I am a member of N/A and have continuous clean time, thanks to my HP and some real work on me, for four-in-a-half years now...to answer your question my sponsor and my support group and recently a counselor have all told me to let my POA have his process without attempting to control the outcome. The counselor was the one who questioned me about why I felt it necessary to get him to come back once he walked out the door...my answer was he will be back anyway, I just wanted to eliminate the waiting...Truth be told I don't know if he'll be back and I was afraid if I didn't go after him he wouldn't know I cared (usually at the cost of abdoning myself). I hate to admit that. I really am trying to keep the focus on me...I do realize that I don't respect myself by chasing someone who does not want to be around me right now and I am aware that I show no respect for my POA's process if I interuppt it by bombing him- patterns of destruction....Thank you for taking the time to ask. Willingtochange-
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