What if No Contact is Not Possible?

Hi inky,

Some love addicts have had to change jobs to get over a POA, depending upon how obsessed you are.

You can set your Facebook feed settings or better yet, delete Facebook for the time being until you get over this.

Because with No Contact, you do eventually get over your POA to the point where I can walk past mine and he doesn't bring up anything to me.

This is another good reason why it's best to avoid getting involved with co-workers, because especially for love addicts, it can result in the loss of a job.

Welcome Inky,


I resigned from my job to make NC possible since my recovery, sanity, self-growth, are more important to me. So I chose to find ways to do NC rather than stay stuck. Generally, with every change we make there is a price for it. But its rewards make it all worth it. I am very glad and proud of that choice. Sometimes we have to make a radical step for a radical change.


NC is possible for you. You can do it.

I just want to clarify that I wasn't suggesting you remain in this toxic situation if you know it will never get better. I guess my ideas were to use in an immediate sense...like if you can't just quit without having another job lined up first etc. No job is worth your psychological well being.
Best of luck.

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I am in a no contact is not possible situation too. We work together and have mutual friends and it's complicated. (aren't they all?) I'd be happy just to turn down the volume on my obsessions. I think I can achieve this by putting up some really strong boundaries. I will work really hard on this and re-evaluate where I am in about 6 months.
You are NOT alone whatsoever. I am overwhelmed by the amount of people with this problem. It's nice to have this support. Take it one minute at a time.

Inky, glad to hear it. When I wake up, my first first thoughts go to that situation and I know that feeling of obsession. My biggest fear is not changing the relationship for the better, but that THIS feeling will never go away. I keep telling myself it's a biological reaction (withdrawal) and my brain will rewire itself eventually. It can't NOT rewire itself if I do the work..

Lovelyjune said:

What's also important to realize and know on a very deep level, is that your issues are not about her. She is the excuse you wish to hold on to, so as not to live your life. When you really decide to live your life for YOU (instead of being afraid to do so), her presence will have no bearing on you whatsoever. This is one of the basic concepts of love addiction--that it's not at all about love, but rather, avoidance of th WHen we focus and obsess over something we clearly cannot have, there is a reason for that and it's often not because we're crazy or naive or just can't let go. It's because we have created a defense mechanism to protect us from that which we fear. In the case of addicts, we fear living our life and facing our problems. You see, if we focus on someone else, we clearly do not have to focus on ourselves.


I agree with this assessment 100%.
I was at work the other day and I passed by two employees who were talking amongst themselves. I immediately began to feel uneasy because one of them does not like me. I felt myself stiffening up as I walked by and my thoughts went immediately to my PoA. I realized in that moment that fantasizing about a PoA has been a way for me to cope with rejection from women. As a child, I had trouble making friends partly because I was really quiet and shy. After a while, I noticed that I was being left out and overlooked by girls my age. The rejection was very painful so I started retreating into fantasy land. My first PoAs were not even real people but once I reached dating age, they became real. I'm much older now but my issues with women have not changed that much. For me, forming close relationships with women is even more challenging than forming them with men and so I've used LA as an escape. If I'm thinking about a PoA then I don't have to think about how this woman who is supposed to be my friend has hurt me.

Lately I've been trying to remind myself that my PoA is not responsible for my happiness and then I try to find something productive or healthy to do for myself. Sometimes I do get very frustrated because I have trouble coming up with ideas but at least I'm aware. So thank you Lovelyjune for your insightful posts.

Molly
66 your post is the exact mirror of my life....I am fighting this addiction every moment of every day

Yes, indeed. Take POA off the pedestal. I have talked about that on these boards. I have a history of putting the POA du jour on a pedestal. Enough already! My (hopefully) last POA is a love avoidant sex addict who does not know (he admits) what true intimacy is. He is cross addicted into gambling, is $40,000 in gambling debt and is fixated on young girls. He'd be an active pedophile if he could get away with it. He finds his women at SLAA or AA meetings. He preys on the women who are most vulnerable with almost no recovery under their belts. In fact, I met him an at SLAA meeting, brand new to the program and he 13-stepped me. Emotionally healthy women are not interested in him.

Quite the catch, huh? And I put him on a pedestal because?? He said and did all the right things for a Love Addict such as myself. I chased him like a drug addict chases his/her next fix. And my addictive brain threw him up on that pedestal, mistaking lust for love.

And yes, like molly66 points out, it DOES get better. But you have to do the work of recovery, and do it every day...

HaveFaith

p.s. -- Susan Peabody counseled me NOT to attend this particular SLAA meeting, because it was open to both men and women. Given the nature of the addiction, she said it was opening me up to dangerous, vulnerable situations. Did I listen? No. I have since learned to listen to the wisdom of those who have gone before me...